HOLD MY CALLS, I'M BLOGGING THE SHIT OUT...

DISEASE SEASON

So its cold and flu season again (thanks for the reminder Kelly Ripa) and I've already started the season off great! After an extended illness that ruined my Thanksgiving and all that time off, I am feeling better again. But then yesterday I was doing laundry and this dumb bitch sneezes not once, not twice but THREE FUCKING TIMES in my fucking face and does not cover her nose and does not say sorry. WTF?!?!?!?! Where are your fucking manners, you disease incubator?! Don't tell me no one ever taught you to cover your fucking nose and mouth when you sneeze? Fucking disgusting pigs. I was so grossed out I went home and gave my face an alcholol bath and took two Airbornes. Seriously, do people not know that cold germs can stay alive for THREE DAYS?! I should have punched her.

I WANNA BE A HO!!

GI JOE PSA

DENIED SUCKA!!!!

THE SHAFT

Thanksgiving just passed and it highlighted probably the most consistent thing in my life and that is: getting The Shaft. Just one (more) self pitying post about how I always get screwed. Thanksgiving Shaft was the whole divvying up of leftovers. Apparently in some backwards way, I get nothing, since I am single and don't need to feed other mouths (except mine). So basically everyone (including my Mom who lives alone and claimed to be making a plate to take home but will give to my little brother who is making his own plate for him and his g/friend and because he's not quite fucking fat enough) got leftovers except me despite the fact that as a single person I should be subsisting SOLELY on people's charity leftovers, not left to starve on the street on THANKSGIVING! Below are some other ways I have gotten The Shaft.

Crappy ass public school education because my older brother got the "good" schools while we still had money to pay tuition

Always drawing the most obnoxiously large and clumsy gift/suitcase with no wheels/floral centerpiece/cut fruit arrangement despite living furthest away, being the smallest in size and having no car, than everyone else

Always having to sleep in the "cold" room at my mother's house because she "forgets you [I] am staying over and I put all the Christmas decorations in the other room". Believe it or not this excuse is the same in July, when the cold room becomes the stifling hot room and I'm sleeping in the backyard pretending I'm camping.

Always getting my Christmas presents last (or not at all in the case of 2 Christmas' ago, thanks very fucking much MOM!) because Christmas is all about the "babies" now (the babies which seem to also include my younger brother who is now 28). And my stocking is NEVER hung by the chimney with care, in fact, it's just not there at all!! Fuckers

Always getting the middle seat on airplanes when flying with my family because "you're the smallest". Never mind that I specifically noted AISLE FUCKING SEAT when purchasing my ticket.

And last but definitely NOT least: never celebrating my birthday because its 3 weeks after Christmas. If I hear one more goddamn time that that ugly cream colored ribbed turtleneck from the Gap that you seem to get me every year now, is for Christmas AND my birthday, I am going to fucking poison you, you old fucking bag, you. And please, let's stop with the fake "oh you come out here and we'll have your dinner" or "just tell us when you want to go out" because if celebrating birthdays with dinners or cake counted as years I'd still be young and not quite so bitter.

Merry fucking Christmas

I JUST NEED AN EFFING SAMMY!!!

I was at the deli the other day getting a sandwich and there was a woman there getting her months worth of groceries in the form of cold cuts. So while the line is expanding she's ordering shit like "1/3 pound of honey ham, 2/5's of turkey ham, 3/4 of a pound of low sodium swiss cheese..." WTF lady?!?!?! While we're young, ok?? I swear every time another person came in she ordered something else "2 pounds of macaroni salad, 1/2 pound of cole slaw, 2/3 of LEAN ROAST BEEF..." FUCK. All the while my dog is outside shouting obscenties and people are forming a crowd asking "is this dog abandoned??, oh the poor thing, has anyone seen its owner?" and that lady is still going on about "1/2 of roast turkey, 1/2 of smoked turkey, oh what is that? are those roasted peppers? I'll take some of those, WHAT? Oh, 1/4 of pound is good..." Jesus fucking christ. After another 10 minutes of this, I left and got chinese next door. Now they know how to move a line!

LAUNDRY WARS

I used to do my laundry Sunday mornings at 7:30 because there weren't that many people there at that hour, I mean who the fuck gets up that early on a Sunday to do fucking laundry besides the woman who works there, right? WRONG!! Now there are like 10 people in there, with their fucking blankets and kids clothes and bath mats and you literally have to fight for machines and then always like 25% of the dryers are out of order so you have stand in front of the ones that are finishing - much like you do when you're waiting for a table at a restaurant and the hostess makes the mistake of pointing which group won't get up so you can get a table and you stand there glaring at them until they get the fucking hint - and even then you have to make sure you have all your stuff (quarters, dryer sheets, the wet clothes) otherwise if you move some other asshole swoops in and when you say something, they could care less because they WON. They will have clean dry clothes before you because you blinked and missed it!! Stupid, how could you have been so stupid(!) you rage at yourself and then you start all over and hope that old lady doing her grandkids laundry gets distracted by the news on tv and you can grab her dryer (what does she have to do all day anyway, right?!)

So now I started going on Saturday mornings and it was heaven because NO ONE is in there, even the lady that works there is usually off somewhere getting breakfast and fighting with her kids, so I can watch cartoons and read magazines and not have to worry about anyone bothering me until I leave. But recently they hired this new girl and she fucking uses ALL the machines to do the laundry that people drop off, and now I find myself fighting HER!! Doesn't she get it?? Those machines at that hour are for MY USE and only when I have got all my laundry in, can she use the remaining ones. Someone needs to school her because there are no other days I can do laundry and it's pissing me off. My only consolation is that people don't last there very long, so hopefully she'll be gone soon and I won't have to deal with this every frigging week.

PS there was a man in there today that smelled of farts so bad! He stunk up the whole place and ruined the whole "fresh from the dryer" smell for me. He also had a really bad attitude and may be keeping people locked in closets while he goes out to flirt with middle aged women because at one point he yelled at the lady he was with that "I locked Stacy in the closet to come here and hang out with you!!" (WTF, doing laundry is "hanging out" now??)

EFFING COMPUTERS

Sometimes I really hate technology. You get all hooked and dependent on it, like crack, and then it's gone and you're back to using an abacus and scratching characters out with a stick in the dirt and flinging feces at your neighbors. Like tonight. I figured I would do some work from home but not bring home my laptop, I would just use my home computer. Well GREAT FUCKING IDEA!! It turns out that my home computer doesn't have all the programs that I need to use so I have to download them, but then I get error messages that say shit like "wrong path, click ok and download again" or "no resources" or "fuck you, you're screwed" and really, that's just fucking mean. So I finally get the most important one downloaded but because I can't remember my password to the one at work with all the bells and whistles, I have to download the ghetto version and I'm using it and pop ups are flying everywhere and I cannot delete pages as a range of pages, I have to delete INDIVIDUALLY!!!!!!!! There are like 9000 pages on this document! FUCK. Anyway a job that would have taken 45 minutes has now taken 2 hours and I missed dinner and Prison Break and it looked like a good one too.

SOMEONE'S GOING THROUGH THE CHANGE

I hired this contract admin for our west coast office and I totally think she's unstable. First of all, she's like 100 years old. That in and of itself is enough, old people scare me with their stories and ideas and advice that's as old and irrelevent as they are. But then she seems completely oblivious to working in any speed that isn't "low impact". When you try to rush her she's like that idiot assistant Bubble, in Ab Fab who gets all short circuited if she gets more than one thing to do at a time. And now apparently it's become normal for her to call in me slobbery tears every time she's under "stress". WTFF?!?!!?!?!?! We all have stress, we can't all get bogged down in mini meltdowns every other fucking day. Christ, I really am the only sane person left in this company.

MY BRAIN HURTS

I detest these commercials, this isn't even a real one but it's so eerily spot on that it freaks me the FUCK out. All those kids with their giant fucking heads and precocious speaking voices, UGH!!

PS don't a lot of those kids look like Damien?

IS THAT HOW THEY GET THE HOLES IN IT?!

What is American Cheese? I mean as an American, it's kind of embarrassing that our cheese is so generic that it just tastes like goo, and that it comes individually wrapped. And the white variety, that one doesn't even have a taste!! Come on, swiss cheese has those cool holes and that nutty flavor and English cheese is nasty, and French cheeses are stinky and Greek cheese (feta, it might not be just Greek but I associate it with Greece because it comes on my Greek salads) is salty and crumbly. Why is our cheese the pussy of cheeses? Is it the individual wrapping that makes it American, saying "I'm too busy to actually slice a piece of cheese, I need to have this pre-cut, pre-sized and ready to melt at the snap of a finger so I can get back to wheeling and dealing and making love to the ladies!!" Or is the blandness of the cheese itself a commentary on the boring, pre-fabricated lives we live? Can you believe I am now reduced to a rant on cheese? I should maybe not drink when I write these. Actually I think this is a fascinating topic and I would like to get a town hall or something together to discuss this very real and hard hitting topic. It's a matter of national security, only communist would not attend this. And you're not a COMMIE, ARE YOU?!?!?!!

STANDOFF SUCKS

Is Standoff the worst show on TV? Does anyone really take that guy from Office Space seriously?? I don't watch the show but I accidentally caught part of it the other night when I couldn't change the channel (the remote got kicked under the couch and I didn't have to get up at that point to get a snack so I just left it on until I needed something, I'm what is known as a multi-tasker) and I see those commercials all the time and it just sucks. I mean its not even one of those so bad it's good, guilty pleasure things. It just sucks. Please do not watch this show.

JUST SAY NO!

You know what I hate? People who are always whining things like "we have to get together, we have to hang out, I never see youuuuuuuu" EVERY fucking time you accidentally bump into them at the store or some shit. And then they never call and you never call. Haven't we as a society evolved enough to say "no. I don't like you, you don't like me, lets not pretend that we're bestest and waste both our times." I want to say that because I'm tired of caring about people's feelings. I've just had it, I'm done. I'm gonna say it the next time I randomly get an IM from that fat cow Nikki or get a drunk dial from some ex from 3 fucking years ago.

MY NEIGHBOR CAN KISS MY ASS!

My neighbor is such a pain in the ass! I usually don't see her because she travels to Africa or Jamaica or somewhere, for months at a time, teaching forms of birth control or some shit, but when she is here, she always has some lame comment like "can you take your umbrella inside, I think it's dry", or "are those your shoes outside your door" (like who elses would they fucking belong to??) or "I think your cable guy disconnected my line". I mean who gives a shit, then just call them, wtf do you want me to do? Anyway today she's like "did your friend give you my message?" ("Friend" being my dogs pet sitter that stayed here when I was away.) "No" I said. "What's the message?" She wants me to move my tv that is in the hallway off the little table because that's her sewing table. The same table that's been in the hallway for like 6 months!! And the tv is like some 13 inch thing, it barely weighs anything, she can fucking move it if she wants to sew so fucking badly. Anyway it just totally annoyed me, and then she started in about how if I didn't want the tv I should call the Salvation Army to pick it up, blah blah. I'm just gonna leave it next to her door for a few months, see how long it takes her to bitch about that.

FUCKTARDS

I'm super pissed off today and here's why. An attorney I work with is a complete nutjob and total wannabe ladder climber and everyone that works with her hates her. She's always talking over people in meetings, trying to take over the entire meeting and talking shit, and competely disregarding all common sense just to hear herself lecture everyone (who I might add have much more legal experience than she has) and everyone is just sick of her. I myself have had a couple of run-ins with her but I always called her on her shit immediately because that's just how I roll. Anyway, other people see the way I don't take her crap and they have started to push back on her as well and now they have finally started complaining to our general counsel on how she sucks but here's the rub. Instead of them saying "so and so is complete cunt" and give him examples of her ridiculous behavior, they use me! So they are always like "I stuck up for you" or "I told him about how you feel" or "I let him know that you wouldn't like her managing you" and shit like that and it's like if you have an issue with her it's your issue. My issues with her I can handle fine and have been. It's completely fucking innappropriate for you to use me without my fucking knowledge to prove your point! I don't even give a shit about this woman because she knows not to fuck with me anymore, but they keep dragging me into their stupid war and its pissing me the fuck off. Anyway there was WW3 earlier and it just set me on edge because its just not my fucking problem and I don't want to keep getting dragged into it, I could give a shit and I hate this goddamn drama every fucking day with these prima donnas. Fuck.

I GOT A BRAND NEW PAIR OF ROLLERSKATES

you love it too, don't lie!

SPECIAL OLYMPICS

I honestly believe the people I work with get stupider everyday. This guy is smarter than them, he at least got a medal and even though he appears to be not dressed I bet he could dress himself without asking me 8000 questions that are completely unrelated to getting dressed.

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS?!

Air travel with connections. I hate it. I can't fucking stand it. Last year I went to Puerto Vallarta and of course you have to connect in Mexico City. Apparently the fucking burro that you connect on only leaves once a day and we missed the connection and had to spend the night in MC, which if you've been there you know it ain't exactly Paris.

And then this trip last week, going to Freeport, you have to connect in Miami and guess what?! I missed my fucking connecting flight AGAIN!!

So that's it. No more connecting flights. If I can't get a direct flight I am not fucking going. I don't give a shit anymore, I'll stay at home and drink if that's the only destination, this'll actually give me one more reason to drink, so win-win!

I"M BACK, BAY-BEEEEEEEEEE!!

Too many ridiculous happenings this past week so I will just narrow it down to a few choice observations made by my family, the blanks can be filled in with copious amounts of drinking and alone time.

MOM
on the native bahamians - "boy they're really dark down here, do you think we're close to the equator?" and "they really are a jovial type people"

At every fucking meal "oh they have grouper here, that must be their native fish, I think I'll have the grouper, the grouper is so fresh, it must be their native dish, the grouper, grouper fucking grouper..." Also can substitute "conch" for "grouper".

Younger BROTHER
"do I look fat in this tank top?"

"the rum here tastes so much better than the rum at home." (he was drinking a jack and coke.)

Younger brother's miserable GIRLFRIEND
on having to wait 30 minutes for our entrees at a veeeery nice restaurant "lets dine and dash"

"If you want jewelry, you should follow the ladies that sell them, sometimes they drop necklaces in the sand and you get them for free!"

"Don't walk to the soda machine by yourself, you'll get raped."

"Watch out for bug bites, you'll get malaria."

"Don't get a sunburn, you'll get a fever."

Older BROTHER
"Doesn't (younger brother) look fat in that tank top?!"

"Who the fuck charged $200 at the bar to my room before I even arrived?!"

3 year old NEPHEW
"(his younger brother) did a poopie and I sniffed his butt!"

"Nana did a poopie!"

"(his younger sister) did a poopie in the bushes!" (don't worry she did it in her diaper but apparently she likes privacy for these moments and had to wander over to a shrub to push one out.)

ME
"I won $8.30 in nickels at the casino!!"

The NATIVES and everyone else
on me, the one non caucasian in the group - "Are you the nanny?" or "I saw your nanny on the beach earlier." or "That's your daughter? I thought she was their nanny!"

I can't wait for Mexico next year!!

OOO, SO YOU BETTER MISS ME BITCHES!

Hey whores! I’m going on vacay* today for a week**, but I’ll be checking in periodically*** with random youtube clips and family/vacation rants! I’ll miss**** you all*****!!

* drinking binge in the Caribbean
**10 days
*** if “periodically” means “never”
**** thoughts of you will not cross my mind
***** all 3 of you

TAKE NOTES FELLAS

this is waaaay to long to watch comfortably, but you might learn something...

SOMEONE GOT MY SATURDAY NIGHTS ON TAPE!!

This dog is hot shit, seriously this is how I spend all my free time!

CRACKHEADS

How fucking coked up is Kate Moss?? She’s either completely cracked out or she’s the worlds most insecure person. NO ONE has that much of an inferiority complex that they would not only have a sexual relationship with Pete Doherty, but then get pregnant AND engaged by and to him!! Right?? RIGHT?!?! Where are her friends?? Where are her parents?? If I were dating a publicly known drug addict my brothers would kick his ass and then mine! Someone needs to wake that bitch up and dry her out before she starts populating the world with crackhead supermodel babies.

CRAZY SHIT

Can you believe this shit that Heather Mills is coming out with regarding her divorce from Paul McCartney?! And I know, I know, I wasn’t involved in their personal life so how can I comment, but Heather is a KNOWN liar and fantasist and this is just the next logical step for her in her bid for money and complete notoriety. I just can’t see Sir Paul making her drag herself to the bathroom in the middle of the night because she couldn’t put her leg on, or stabbing her with a broken wine glass, or even saying something as ridiculous as telling her that she cannot breast feed because those breasts where “his”. WTF?!?!?!! That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Just for the sake of comparison this is a man who spent 30 years with his first wife, Linda, a devoted animal rights advocate and a vegetarian (whom Mills is now saying was also abused by Sir Paul and a woman who will use any type of sensational maneuver to get in the press. I don’t know, you decide.

ORSON WELLES

ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST

I had another crapola date last night. First of all, the guy sends me 4 text messages before the date, even though we had already confirmed things the day before, consisting of 1. Are we still on, 2. what time? (WTF what time, what fucking time did we say yesterday??) 3. what’s the dresscode? and 4. so jeans are ok? UGH, I’m already fucking over you.

So I arrive and of course, it’s the one guy not in an ironic sweater with suede patches on the elbows that I am meeting. He’s wearing a work shirt from his fire company with a stretched out long sleeve thermal underwear shirt underneath that, really old jeans that are like a faded powder blue with old dirt stains, unshaven face. I get there and he’s doing shots. SHOTS on a first date?!?! Before I even ARRIVE?? So I sit, he loudly overshares that he’s not used to “YUPPIE BARS”. Then he makes me order our food because he “doesn’t know what those words mean”. He then orders his 3rd beer and now they are out of Corona so he has to order a Sierra Nevada Pale Ale and he lets me and the rest of the bar know that he “never drank a YUPPIE BEER” as he pulls out a well worn Corona beer cozy (I shit you not, a beer fucking cozy) to cover the SNPA label and his shame in being forced to drink something that doesn’t have “High Life” or “King of Beers” in the advertising. He calls me a yuppie and then the neighborhood a yuppie (does this guy know any other fucking words??) and when I try to explain the difference between yuppie (which the bar was not) and hipster/hoofus (which the bar was) he couldn’t see the difference and then let me know in no uncertain terms that I was “geographically undesirable”. ME?? He lives in Staten Fucking Island!!! I’m geographically undesirable? The only reason I went out on this shitty date with this assclown was because we set it up like 3 weeks ago and I kept blowing him off but he worked in the neighborhood and was amenable to meeting not far from my place. (I’ve gotten so lazy with dating that now that I won’t date anyone who makes me go someplace to meet them on the first date, they have to meet me and not more than 1 mile from my apt or I don’t go. True story.).

So at this point I am just trying to figure out an out because he’s started hinting about getting some gum so “we won’t have garlic breath” and really, there is no way that we are going to be in a position to worry about our breath, I’d rather make out with the bartender who btw knows that this is a “blind date” because this moron has been telling her all about me whenever I go to the bathroom and in between his shots of SoCo and Lime. Finally after his 9th beer and 4th shot I tell him that I have to go home to be up early today and then he doesn’t even offer me a ride home!! He brings his motorcycle with the one seater which means he had no intentions of being a gentleman at all!! It’s just as well though, because I really do not want him knowing where I live but still, saying “you ok to walk home by yourself?” isn’t getting you a second date. So now I am walking home and he has texted me 5 times. FIVE FUCKING TIMES. He wants to go to Coney Island and get a Nathan’s hotdog and ride the Cyclone, he wants to go see an IMAX movie, he wants to go the Botanical Gardens… Is this guy for fucking real? He shows up in dirty old clothes looking like he may have a problem with hygiene, then he makes derogatory comments all through the evening about me, my neighborhood, the restaurant, the food, he drinks WAY TOO MUCH for a first date, and then he makes me walk home by myself and he thinks we’re going out again? Don't hold your breath, assface.

WTF?!?!

CHEAP AND TACKY

I recently got an invitation to a wedding of a friend of friend, and I was appalled to see that it would be a cash bar. CASH BAR FOLKS!! Are you fucking kidding me? I am going to spend hundreds of dollars on your bachelorette party, bridal shower, wedding gift, dress and shoes for the wedding itself, transportation to and fro, hotel room for the night and various other expenses and you can't even buy me a fucking drink?! How tacky is this?? And what is even more galling is the fact that this couple has rented one of the most expensive wedding halls in the area!! This fat bitch who I don't even LIKE, is so pretentious and competitive, she buys Tiffany jewelry because her friend buys it, Coach handbags because another friend collects them, Jimmy Choo shoes because I wear them and now she needs to rent a hall to act like she's so "classy and trendy" but fucking makes her guests pay for their own drinks!! This is going to have the complete opposite effect than what she is going for because instead of people talking about how wonderful her reception was and how thrilled they were to be there, they are instead going to bitch about how cheap the cash bar was. Good, this tasteless cow deserves nothing better. In any event, I'm not going, I am going to save my money and send her the cheapest gift on her registries (she has 3).

KITTIES

I don't know why I'm posting these....

Probably because I have ladybits (vagina).

PLEASE STOP THE MADNESS

Can someone please put a stop to all these celebrity adoptions?! If Britney Spears goes and adopts an African kid like she's been threatening because Madonna is her hero (her fucking HERO), I am going to flip the fuck out. I am a product of adoption and I support it 100% but come on, you can't help but think that adopting a child for celebrities is the new teacup yorkie and not just any child, a child of "color". Hello, RACIST anyone?! If you really want to help these people, why don't you adopt one of those Eastern European kids that are forced into the sex trade at age 3 and now are so fucked up, they can't function and could use your money for therapy or how about a Mexican kid, or better yet, how about one in America, what too "real" for you?? Are Africa and Asia the only continents with orphans? Or how about this, instead of taking a kid that has a father AND a grandmother Madonna, why don't you just give $1,000,000 to one of those orphanages so ALL the kids benefit. Do you have any idea how far that would go?! Or how about making a trip out there every year to teach these people to farm and evolve so they can get out of poverty? Or hey, what if you even donated money to have full time doctors out there to help with the disease that runs rampant from poor diet and irrigation?! I know people adopt children all the time and for the right reasons and I applaud that, but most celebrities do everything with a cold calculating PR person whispering in their ear. These self righteous assholes act like they are bringing the plight of these countries to everyone's notice but all they are doing is garnering publicity for themselves.

AM I TOO OLD TO GET THIS??

What is with these ridiculous names that rap and hip-hop artists affect? I understand that celebrities/artists/assclowns like to have a stage name but I really don't get it, so maybe someone can help me out. Below is a random sampling with their real name as well. They're imaginitive, to say the least.

Young Leek - Talik Baker
Beenie Man - Anthony Moses David
B-Legit - Brandt Jones
Droop-E - Earl Stevens Jr.
Gangsta Boo - Lola Mitchell
Killah Priest - Walter Reed
Kurupt - Ricardo Brown
Lord Finesse - Robert Hall
Oowee - Walter Tucker
Peedi Crack - Pedro Zayas
Sticky Fingaz - Kirk Jones
Young Bleed - Glenn Clifton Jr.
Young Real - Rajal Wisdom II
Yukmouth - Jerold Ellis Jr.

A DOG'S REVENGE

I forgot to take the garbage out with me this morning and when I got home of course my dog has eaten through it all day and now she is farting and it reeks. Not really a rant, it was my fault for forgetting to take it out, a dog's gotta do what a dog's gotta do, but seriously, since I've gotten home she's just been crop dusting all over the place. There are very few things that are more rancid than a dog passing wind.

I WON'T LIKE IT, TRUST ME

Why do people think it's appropriate to impose themselves on other people?? I have a friend who has the worst taste in movies, I mean seriously, I watch some crappy movies (Rob Schneider comes to mind) but this person is alway recommending some shit with Tara Reid or Robin Williams and you just KNOW that the movie is going to suck without even seeing a preview but they insist that it was "so hilarious dude, fucking laughed my ass my off, you gotta see it you'll love it, I promise". And even after you tell this person that you hate the movies they are always recommending they still have to do it.

Or my friend who is always telling me to try some half assed, about to be shut down restaurant in some random place in Queens or some "amazing" new Ethopian place that's always "in that place that looks like an abandoned luggage factory but really isn't". Listen asshat, the last I checked Ethopians eat rice that we send over there in air cargos and like dingo meat, why the fuck would I want to risk my life by getting botulism poisoning to go to a place where even cabs don't go?!

Here's a tip folks. I don't like anything. Just because you feel the need to be so *trendy* it hurts, leave me the fuck out of it. I have trust issues, so the minute you start in about me liking that movie, that restaurant, your doctor, your nephew who takes shits that look like dead presidents, your friend(s), your outfit or anything else where I have not been directly involved in the decision making process, believe me it guarantees that I will hate it, so save your breath and our friendship by never recommending anything to me again.

ME TIME

I was talking to my one *friend* at work today (well basically ranting as usual) about how everyone I work with are mentally challenged and how I'm so much better than them (I am, trust me) and listing out today's retardedness and then she chimes in with her "oh I know, like earlier blah blah...". Dude, WTF?! This is my rant, my anger, my expressiveness!! Don't fucking interrupt my unconstructed diatribes to give me an example of your shitty co-workers!! I don't care about you, this is MY TIME motherfucker. If she does this again, I will have to find another person to rant to, teach her a lesson on interrupting.

WINTER'S COMING

Time to find someone special to snuggle up with!!

NEW PHONE

I just bought this new Treo smartphone and this thing is so fucking smart that the text messaging does not work. Oh way to be a genius there smartphone, you're so busy showing me how to connect to the internet and record videos that you forgot how to do basic functions like fucking TEXT MESSAGING!! Don't get me wrong, it's a hot phone, but it pisses me off when phones get too fancy and then you can't do all the things you used to do on them - like you have to find other ways to do them. I'm already fucking evolved, if this phone thinks it's gonna have me do things "smarter" it's got another thought coming. Although it did take me a like a fucking day to figure out how to turn it on. So maybe it wouldn't hurt if I read that 200 page manifesto it calls a manual.

EBAY

I think bidders on ebay have to be some of the stupidest people alive. I mean you get these people together in a room with the retarded guy in my neighborhood who walks around shouting gibberish and with his face and shirt covered in drool and the retarded guys' IQ goes up 50 points. It drives me nuts when the auction is lasting 5, 7, 10 days whatever, and some asshat starts bidding like he's fucking Rockefeller on the second fucking day!! Or the people that ask stupid questions like "is that the real color of the item in the pictures?" or "what's the shipping charge to Kansas?" Read the fucking listing you morons, all this shit is there! I'm convinced that these people are people that online food delivery and universities, were created for. Stupid, lazy, porn and cheeto addicted fatasses who can't think for a second or it might burn a calorie, they need to troll ebay bidding on shit that they can never afford and asking random questions so they can get a response and feel like a functioning part of society. Well you're not, so stop driving up the price of the crap I want and annoying me.

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THIS MESSAGE

When did it become standard for all these politicians to "approve this message" on their commercials? I noticed it a few years ago, but now it seems like all of them do this. What is the reasoning behind this?? Obviously you'd have to approve it because you're in the fucking ad to begin with and otherwise it wouldn't be airing, correct? I mean I can't see some rogue campaign staffer putting up a TV ad without it being approved, like it wouldn't trace right back to him? Who the fuck cares if you approve the message, they're all lying, closeted homosexual, money grubbing bastards anyway.

ACT OF ALEC?

What the fuck is with people?!?!? As soon as Cory Lidle's plane crashed into that that apartment building on the UES, the first thought that came out was "was this terrorism?" or "no word whether this was an act of terrorism" or "no link to terrorism found YET" or the best - courtesy of Wolf Blitzer "How could this happen just five years after 9/11?". Are you fucking kidding?! Give me a goddamn break, a man farts on the the train these days and its a fucking act of terrorism! Sometimes idiots are flying planes and they crash, that's it. I mean seriously, terrorists figure they would shoot down a 2 seater airplane and launch it through an UES apartment building in the middle of the morning when normal people are at work. Yes, that's giving us pause. You knock out a few hack writers and actors and POTUS takes notice and wants to negotiate. Are these *terrorists* Polish?! And what the fuck is with all the "witnesses" they have on video? Did they find the craziest people living in NYC to interview? Do they all just congregate on the UES to begin with?! All I can say is thank God we can still make fun of the gays, because if you can't laugh at a homo, then THE TERRORISTS WIN.

SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SING

Why do singers have to go on stage on and act the fool? What do we care what your political leanings are, Dave Matthews Band, sing fucking Crash and shut the fuck up. Babs Striesand is the latest in this whole retarded bullshit drama, going so far to bring out a fucking Bush impersonator at her SECOND final concert, so she can humiliate him, I mean give me a fucking break already!! Who gives a shit?? And hello, 2006 called, bashing Bush is soooooo 2002. Leave the political statements to the people who actually live here and vote, we don't need some hasbeen celebrity to tell us what to think, we have the Daily Show motherfucker. So let me reiterate, this is NOT the Sonny and Cher Variety Hour, its a fucking concert, so sing the songs everyone paid waaaay too much money to hear you sing and get the fuck out my town.

MOZZYS

There are like a million mosquitos in my apartment this past week. I have gotten like a dozen bites, and every night they wake me up, I find it, kill it and go back to sleep and then an hour later there is another one!! WTF?? I hate closing the windows because I like a breeze but what can I do?? Wear bug spray to bed?! Plus my dog is up all night trying to catch them, I'm fucking exhausted from getting up all the time! I'll have to sleep with the fan on until Mother Nature comes and freezes those bastards to death. Fucking biting assholes!! That buzzing drives me insane. INSAAAAAAAANE

MISERY & HER COMPANY

What makes people so miserable? I was chatting* with a co-worker today about this girl who we have now dubbed "misery" and her stable of wannabe japs "company" and its just like what the fuck makes her this way?! Twice today I got caught with her in the bathroom and she's just staring into the mirror looking at herself with her makeup bag. First of all, if you're not "going to the bathroom" then get the fuck out. This is not your private bathroom for you to be staring at yourself moonily for hours on end! And then WTF is with the makeup?!?! She looks like a wet poodle on a good day, with her stringy hair and pursed up face like she's always supressing a fart. Makeup ain't helping sister! Maybe a personality lift would help?? And then we have Company who follow her around twittering and talking shit all fucking day, like lost ducklings. Jesus, get lost will ya! I hate these sour grapes people. Can't people find a happy medium between medicated happy and annoyingly cunty?! Fuck.

*ranting

FRIENDS ANNOY ME

I have this friend who is really starting to annoy me because all she does is bitch about not finding men to date and now she went to this wedding over the weekend and she got jealous because all the guys were so nice to their g/friends whatever so she's bummed out. So I'm like "well what do you do to meet guys" and it's always the same old thing "I never meet anyone blah, blah...". So I suggest she try an online site (she hasn't read this blog so she doesn't know how bad it sucks) and she gets all huffy and offended!! She was all like "I wouldn't like any guy who would be on an online dating site" and I was like "well sister you'd be surprised how many are, just because you don't meet them online doesn't mean they aren't." She didn't like that. Whatever, it's not my fucking problem, I just want her to stop whining already.

NEWS SUCKS

I hate the news. You turn it on and its always "shocking photos!" "don't let your kids watch this segment" "the unthinkable has happened" "the world is coming to a fucking end but I'm Rosanna "Lushbag" Scotto and I'm here to tell you how to save your soul from burning in hell for all eternity!". Give me a break here, just read the fucking news and leave the fear mongering and panic attacks and editorializing to the general public. Christ. Oh and while we're at it Today Show, this is a morning program, I never want to hear the words "bloody diarrhea" on your show EVER AGAIN! That's disgusting.

REMEMBER WHEN DOCTORS WERE DOCTORS??

You know, what the fuck is it with doctors these days?? I go to my asshole doctor (who really isn't an asshole, I'm just annoyed) today because I've been sick going on 3 weeks, but I thought I was getting better last week, but then it got worse this weekend, just looking for some sympathy and maybe a nice antibiotic prescription and a stern warning to not go back to work for a month and instead I get "it seems like the tail end of the flu, you should be good to go back to work tomorrow". THAT'S IT?! What happened to the days you go to the doctor with a bug bite and come out with 3 months of Vicodin and OxyContin?? Where is the humanity?? I should get something just because I trekked all the fucking way there!! Not even a lollipop for my troubles. I get "don't be such a pussy" and two Advils instead. I hate you.

GHOSTS OF EXES PAST

This has been the week of exes past (redundant, i know). First of all my ex-fiancee whom I broke up with when I found out he was cheating on me, finds my profile on match.com and of all the gall, sends me a goddamn WINK!! I immediately blocked him, but WTF is that?! A WINK?!?! After thinking about it for a few days the only conclusion I can come to is that this numbskull doesn't realize that it's ME! I mean we broke up 2 years ago and since then he emails me (to all my known addresses) or calls me, at least twice a month. I delete his emails and VM's without even listening to them and I certainly never call him back so what is with the fucking wink?!

Then this clown I went out with on two drunk pity dates (a year ago!) calls me out of the blue. Another one direct to VM. Then he sends me an email to tell me left me a VM. DELETE. How do I get the point across that I am not interested?!

Then this guy I went on a couple of dates with a few months ago, continues to call and email and IM and its like dude WTF?? I had to actually break up with this guy because he wasn't getting the "I'm too busy to hang out (with you)" speeches and it looks like I will have to have another one of these speeches but with more vitriol and anger. I mean really, he works in SALES for chrissake. EW. I just can't take this anymore, why do all the losers attach themselves to me?? I think I need to invent some type of "nerd be gone" or something, like anti-pheromone spray. Ohhh, I could be rich!

STUPID NAIL LADY

Why am I cursed with being such a pussy?! I go to the salon today for a much needed pedicure and eyebrow wax and as usual, the technician wipes out the descending arch part on my left eyebrow which basically makes me look retarded and really, you don't need to know that until it's too late. I try not to advertise it so openly. So when I point this out to her I get "oh yes, it's too thin, not enough hair". WTF??? The reason there is not enough hair is because you fucking waxed it off!! Instead of using the same piece of wax and hair encrusted cloth and randomly yanking, take some time and care so your customers are not running around with half eyebrows!! And yet she's so friendly and nice and she does an amazing pedicure that after this I still tip her 25%. I can't help it, I really am too fucking nice. I have to get over this.

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS??

When guys on match.com post as their main photo, a picture of them with an obvious (ex)
girlfriend. I mean you can see her right there in there in the picture, long blonde hair flowing, nice pert rack in a tube top, long legs and then a squiggle over her face! It's like yeah, I'm going to be compared to that?? I don't think so. Or the one where half the face/body is cropped. Hey douchy, if you can crop half of her you can do the whole thing! I get it, women better looking than me liked you at some point, you're desirable, I'm soooo lucky to be getting a wink from you, blah blah you cock. Get the fuck over it, and post a picture of just you in the main photo.

EARL SUCKING

I really liked "My Name is Earl" last season but seriously dudes, this season sucks so far! Each episode is more bizarre than the last and let me just tell you, bizarre doesn't always translate to funny. So far this season we have Joy stealing a fucking truck full of inventory from a Circuit City type store, Catalina worked at a strip joint but instead of stripping she jumps. Literally jumps up and down in the air. Thats her act. And of course, she's the number 1 act at that particular strip joint. And now the carnival folk. I mean come on - seriously what kind of fucked up town is this that instead of the travelling circus, its just a circus, this is where they live, all of them together?! And now it seems to be infused with a smarmy, self righteous, preachy tone at the end of each episode that frankly I don't think Earl would approve or even get. So who the fuck is writing is this, a monkey? Please someone at NBC do something about this terrible writing, you're wasting amazing talent with this storyline. It's just depressing to not laugh for a full 30 minutes.

PARASITE BEATDOWN

So as you all have heard by now, someone finally had the nerve to punch that bitch Paris Hilton in the face and as much as I am an enjoying the schadenfreude, I can't help thinking that its not nearly enough. I mean this girl makes it her job to steal her friends boyfriends, show her pussy at every possible public event, talk shit about everyone she comes in contact with and generally act like a fucking 12 year old cunt and this is it?!?! One punch?? Not even bruising. I need more. I need someone to take a baseball bat to her skull and wipe that smug look off her face or at least bloody it. I need Joe Pesci to administer a beat down worthy of Goodfellas. What do you think someone would charge for this? Nothing life threatening, just a little jolt to bring her back to reality.

CHEAP FUCKS AT CONDE NAST

I just received my October issue of Vanity Fair, and I have to say for a magazine that went to such great lengths to keep the cover photos (Yes Suri!) private, going so far as to post guards at the facility that prints the magazine, they certainly didn't waste any money on my issue. First of all, it was late, VERY late. The only reason I have a stupid subscription is because I get a certain sick satisfaction out of getting my issue before the rest of the sweaty masses, not 4 fucking weeks later! And the second thing was that they didn't even bother to shrink wrap it like they normally do!! So now every anthrax dusted postal worker and the slimey fucks in my building, have pawed their way through MY Suri pictures BEFORE me. Now I have to go get tested for cooties and shit because I think that girl on the 1st floor has something, I saw some prescriptions in her trash when she moved in. Fuck. Thanks for herpes, Vanity Fair.

FUCKING VEGETARIANS

You know I just don't get these vegetarians who eat food that tastes like meat. I've been noticing the ever growing trend of vegetarian and vegan food that proclaim to taste like chicken, bbq beef, hamburgers, sausage, bacon(!) and other sorts of delicious meats. Now I know that vegetarians and vegans are protesting the inhuman way animals are treated but if they're eating food that *tastes* like meat does that mean if farmers started coddling chickens and cows and pigs like pets, that they'd give up their annoying self righteous preaching to everyone and start eating meat??? I don't get it, if you're going to throw dead raccoons and road kill at people to protest their enjoyment of meat, isn't it kind of retarded for you to be eating something that claims to taste just like it?! I mean it just seems too easy for them, if you don't want to eat meat then don't - but then your only choice should be vegetables that taste like vegetables, not vegetables that taste like farm raised, corn fed perdue goodness. And while we're at it, get a fucking job, no one is going to stop eating meat because you happen to be on your soapbox - annoying people - when they're trying to get lunch.

SELF AWARENESS

Why do people not see themselves in these rants? I have a friend at work who I like very much but she tends to be a little melodramatic and needy and sometimes just to fuck with her and see if she knows this about herself I'll say something like "oh this girl I know is always looking for validation, it's so annoying because she'll ask me like 10 times about an email she sent or go on and on about this guy that she met who hasn't called..." and she'll go "oh I hate women like that!" and I want to shout "IT'S FUCKING YOU I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!!"

Or this other friend with whom I have recently stopped being friends with because all her life is one fucking manufactured drama after another and I just couldn't take it anymore. She will IM me every other week or so, I guess testing the waters and I usually ignore her but sometimes she IM's with a question regarding a mutual friend's wedding that we are both in the party of so I'll respond and then when she sees my response she'll try to start in on the latest drama (her never gonna happen divorce, her mother in law, her boyfriend, her never to be ex, her job, her brother, her fat friend Nikki, jesus, take your pick) and when I shut her down and say something about not having time to deal with any more drama she'll respond with "oh I know, drama is stupid" or some other equally retarded response. WTF?!?!! How does she not see that this is her?! Am I the only normal person left??

When people say "I hate bitches" I say "I'm sorry, I can't help it" because I know I am a bitch. When people say "God it's so loud in here" I say "yeah, sorry, I'm a loud talker". When people say "that girl is such a whore" I say "Hey, don't fucking judge me!". I know myself, I can see myself in these comments, why can't anyone else?!

WHO'S THE BITCH NOW?!

I work with a girl who seems to embody several things I find annoying. For instance, she's tall, very tall, one might even suggest "statuesque". And she's friendly - but only to men, unless she needs something, so one might suggest "bitchy". Inexplicably, after months of ignoring me she has made it her business to be friendly with me and for some perverse reason I cannot allow it. For instance she seems to always compliment my dresses and when she does I'll say "oh this thing, I don't even like it, I just had nothing to wear today" or my new gold embroidered ballet flats that I love (well until that fucking dog I was sitting ate them) and I'll say "omg, these cheap things, they're garbage" as I sail out of the bathroom. When I pass her desk or see her in the pantry she always looks over and smiles and says hi and I usually just grumble something under my breath and keep walking. I feel like I am sticking up for all the women in the office that she snubs every time I throw a compliment back in her face. How sick is this? I don't know what it is, I just cannot fucking stand her.

ILLITERATE HELP

I am working from home today since I've been sick since Monday and finally this morning I get the energy to go out and get some nice hot tea to soothe my throat and maybe a plain bagel because I haven't eaten since Tuesday afternoon. So I go to the new bagel place and I ask for 2 large green teas and 2 plain bagels, nothing on them. I get home and find he had given me 2 medium peppermint teas and 3 everything bagels. WTF?!?!? I guess the green labels on the tea bags signalled to him green tea and the bagel thing, I don't even fucking know. I mean I'm not even surprised anymore but seriously, if you can't understand basic english you really shouldn't be serving the public. Anyway I was too tired to go back so now I'm drinking tea that tastes like old mints and trying to rub all the "everything" off my bagel. Pity me. LOVE ME!!

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS??

People who wear giant sweaters or blanket sized pashminas in the summer. So annoying and not a little bit dramatic. Pansies.

SUCKY TRAVEL

I just got back from some business travel and it was the worst trip in a l looooong time!! First I wake up at 4 am on Monday and realize that I am getting the sniffles but I thought it was just allergies so I take a Claritin and leave for the airport. At the airport I go to use the ladies room and it is fucking filthy. I mean I know it's an airport but it looked like homeless people were camping out in there. All the doors were broken, every toilet had unflushed waste in them (UGH), urine on the seats. I had to walk to another terminal to find a different bathroom. Then we are on the plane for 45 minutes when they come on the PA system and tell us that the pilot is "sick"* and that we would have to de-plane and wait 2 hours for another pilot to come in. So then it's 3 hours later and still no pilot. Finally at 3.5 hours they tell us there is a pilot "parking his car in the employee parking lot. Now he's putting a jacket on. Now he's walking towards the terminal. No wait, he's going back, he forgot to lock his doors!". Nice commentary but just tell us when he's on the fucking plane already!

[On a side rant, the movie on the plane was "Poseidon". I'm not sure a movie about a ship getting wrecked and everyone drowning is the best material for a turbulent plane ride above an ocean. I mean I know one's a plane and one's a boat, but the image is the same. Screaming, drowning people, smoke, water, death. Nice images, but I'd prefer Snakes on a Plane to this crap. It wasn't even a good movie!]

By the time we arrive, my "allergy" has turned into a full blown sinus infection complete with clogged ears, bright yellow jello-like snot and assorted drips and sneezes and grossness that comes with being sick.

I get to the office, 5 hours late the whole purpose of the trip now rendered meaningless due to the alcoholic pilot and I have missed 3 meetings and gotten one nasty email stating "if you are not going to attend the meeting you should let me know ahead of time..." Ugh whatever bitch, I don't need this shit!

Then the flight back, I'm even sicker at this point, totally doped up on over the counter medicines that work for 5 minutes and then you have to take more - so I pretty much spent the entire time in a Benedryl induced fugue state and don't realize that we land 20 minutes late. Of course my car isn't there and when I call to find out where it might be I get "be patient". Are you fucking kidding me?!?! Be patient?! WTF is the purpose of hiring a car to pick you up at a certain time if they aren't going to be there?? And why do I have to be patient, it's YOUR fault that you're not here on time, everyone else's cars are here, they walk out and they see their car and they leave. Not me, I have to another 40 minutes on top of the 20 minutes late the flight was and then another 25 minutes to taxi to the terminal, and get my bags and then I have to listen to this driver's sob story about how it took him almost 2 hours to get to the airport because there was some construction on some bridge, like I should be sympathetic. Does he realize I could give a rats ass?! Then just because I'm not already in enough misery, we get pulled over because a fucking headlight is out on the car and we have to wait 20 minutes to go through the whole license and registration, here's a summons etc bullshit. By the time I got home it was after 2:30 am. I now need a vacation from this travel!

*drunk(!)

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS??

People hosing down their sidewalks when you are walking through. It's so fucking annoying, all that disgusting water spraying everywhere and everyone has to walk through it getting wet and sometimes even damaging your clothing when they so intelligently mix it with bleach!! It's so negligent. I mean jesus, can't you fucking do this at like 6 am instead of at 9 am when normal people are trying to get to work!! Mostly these are restaurants and this morning for sheer fun, I counted 7 different businesses hosing down the fucking sidewalk on my walk to work. SEVEN FUCKING BUSINESSES!!! I would call 311 but that hotline is for fucking whiners and everyone knows I'm no whiner!! But it's getting close buddy, VERY FUCKING CLOSE.

TURD FERGUSON

Yesterday I received an email from a very special suitor. Apparently this is no joke, because being intrigued, I had to look at his profile and I was quite alarmed at what was on there. Let me also say that this guy is no looker, in fact he bears a very striking resemblance to this guy. He also claims to be a writer, yet he had several pretty obvious spelling errors and a quirky way of turning every sentence into a title, eg. “I Am Very Good Looking and Looking For A Hot Chick to Turn Me On”. Hmmm, interesting. Anyway, here is a tidbit from his profile and I have to say - points for honesty but kicks in the nuts for outright douchebaggery.

"The Woman Must Be Very Attractive. Sorry No muts. See I'm a Cute Guy and walking around with a chick that looks like she just got hit with a frying pan ain't cuttin it. Really Strictly Hotties or Cuties. She has to have a brain too. No dip shits. I'd rather talk to a telephone pole than a ding bat."

I have to say, I’m torn between being flattered that he finds me a “Strictly Hottie or Cutie”. But he’s obviously a total asshat and again, I wonder, why me? WHYYYYY ME, GOD?! Would it kill you to send me one half-way decent, slightly normal guy?!

WORK NON-ROMANCES

This dickweed I used to work with IM'ed me today about his leaving (like I could give a rats ass) and then he hamfistedly brought up the fact that I could "have" him if I wanted to now, since we don't work together anymore. Is this guy fucking kidding me? His one attempt at wooing me consisted of him saying "let's go back to your hotel room" when we happened to be in the same city one week and me laughing because no grown man could possibly think that that would be an acceptable come on (esp. when both of us were totally sober) but when he corrected me and said that it WAS a come on, I was just embarrassed for him and prayed we would never speak of it again. Surprisingly, this happens to me a lot. Another example of an awkward work come on was this guy who was so fucking annoying because he was constantly trying to overcompensate for the fact that he is totally FUG and would speak to women in a condescending and patronizing tone, and say shit like "the origins of organized religion started with..." or "the true translation of the pickle is..." like anyone could give a shit - tried to kiss me in a cab one night after a work event and when I pushed him away he proceeded to tell me how as soon as he left the company he would ask me out "proper" (so I guess fucking would be ok for now though, right asshat?!) and then when I said I wasn't interested he proceeded over the next 5 minutes of the cab ride to try and align his disgusting (smelly too) beard on my face to the point I literally had to grab his face and shove it against the window of the cab! WTF?!?! Another guy that I was actually set up on a date with (he worked in another office) turned out to be the biggest douchebag EVER! The night started out with him showing up in a dirty and aged and wrinkled button down shirt, then proceeded with him disparaging the fact that I am literate enough to read books, and then followed up with him hitting on the bartender when I went to the bathroom and for the big finish, it turns out that I had been charged for all our drinks! Jesus Effing Christ!! There must some work rumor that I am some kind of pity machine for losers or something. I guess the problem is that I am just too nice. I should work on that.

I HATE PEOPLE

I really hate this girl in my office who now sits near me because we had to do an office reshuffling to accommodate more people moving in. First of all, she doesn't shut the fuck up, all day long, chatty fucking cathy, and then she INVITES people to come down and chat with her and THEN when she's not talking she's listening to that shitty Justin Timberlake album and I swear if I hear that goddamn Sexy/Back song one more fucking time, I am going to stab her with a blunt instrument!! What is it with people who think everything is about them?! This girl moves in the space where it's just my department and now we have to gossip through IM because she's so fucking nosy and gossipy, we're afraid she's going to tell people. She moved to us, she should respect OUR rules! Ugh, another issue I have with her is that she's one of those people who is always fucking happy. It's really annoying to hear her sing-songy "HIIIIII"s all day long but you know what, just the fact that she is breathing so close to me is annoying. I wish people like this would just die and leave me alone. Is that too much to ask?? IS IT?!

I DON'T HEART DATING

Seriously I am just sick of it. I used to love dating, meeting someone you liked, getting to know them - all that jazz. Now all I meet are pathetic losers who are afraid to speak to women, or who who have no social graces or are so fucking obnoxious, NO ONE would have them! I've always relied on my instinct with men, first impressions were very important to me. But then I was getting to my late 20's and still nobody I'd really spend more than a weekend with. So I decided to change my outlook and give guys more of a chance instead of just writing them off because they are bestest with their ex or are a little too "relaxed" when it came to working. Perhaps there are hidden depths and I was being too hasty?? Well you know what, NO. Turns out there are no hidden depths to men (I know, shocker right?!) and my first instinct was right and I wasted my time with some pretty obvious losers. So now I started doing the "date everyone" tactic, and I can't recommend this either because "everyone" consists of (amongst other things); criminals, STD carriers, nerds (and not those hipster nerds, REAL nerds with pocket protectors and Star Wars collections and calls to mom every 10 fucking seconds), meatheads, swingers, exes and friends of exes, spit talkers, hypocondriacs, lawyers and other assorted douchebags and asswipes. So since I'm already pretty much single and lonely I say FUCK IT. I will not spend one more second on anyone who does not meet my stringent* set of of rules. I don't give a shit if I am single forever, I am just not doing it anymore! No more uncomfortable dates, no more awkward the next day IM'ing where you have to say things like "you're a really nice guy but there's just no chemistry" when you really want to say "how dare you make me pay half!" no more giving up that 3rd drink so you won't look like a lush, no more "I LOVE internet poker too!", no more bullshit. Fuck dating and fuck men. And no, I'm not bitter, I'm just sick of wasting my valuable time on idiots. FUCK!

*no fatties or fuckfaces

FRIVILOUS LAWSUIT OF THE DAY

A woman is threatening to sue Toys R Us because she was asked to take her breastfeeding to the private area they set up ESPECIALLY for nursing mothers. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! First of all, why should whipping out an engorged breast and having an infant "feed" like some disgusting parasite, IN PUBLIC, be a civil liberty and be allowable anywhere the mother goes?? Why do these women who have had unprotected sex get more benefits than someone like me, who takes precautions and does not add to the overpopulation of the world? I'M A GOOD NEIGHBOR! Who the fuck does this woman think she is, suing people, for simply asking her to do it someplace else? Now we can't even approach people who are making us uncomfortable, we have to just sit there and take it?? FUCK THAT BITCH. Hey Miss I Can Get Knocked Up, I hate to tell you this but sometimes life is just difficult and it doesn't always run your way. Instead of suing over something ridiculous like this, why don't you worry about your kid, it turns out - I'm psychic and I can see its going to have an eating disorder and be on anti-depressants in the next 10 years because its mother is such a fucking shrew. And I'm also sick of these asshole cunty lawyers who always have something to prove and act like they are going to be the next Sandra Day O'Conner and change the "law". Fuck that, get a real job.

SELFISH ASSHOLES

You know when you go out to your local bagel/coffee/bakery shop and they have those benches outside?? You know what fuckers?? They're not meant for you to move in for the day and save seats for all your friends!! You sit, eat and leave so that other people can sit there. And if you didn't buy anything, then get the fuck up! I fucking hate it when this happens or how about when you're sitting there quietly eating and drinking and like a family of 12 comes and sits down and takes up all of the fucking oxygen and basically make you move because you don't have a family of 12 to counter theirs. Is it really necessary for you to take out the fucking 3 seat stroller with 6 diaper bags and assorted toys and kids and pets for a FUCKING CUP OF COFFEE?!?!! That's why you have Chuck E Cheez dickface. I'm not saying you aren't entitled to coffee or outdoor seating, just not when I'm there. Get it? Got it? GOOD!

I HEART THIS CRAIGSLIST POSTER

Perusing craiglist today and came across this. Since its a male who seems to share my same pet peeves, it's not surprising that some other hussy has already sunk her claws into him, but I thought I'd re-post his surprisingly (for a guy) lucid and helpful advice for all, no editing.

Ok, first of all I'm a guy. I know you asked for women's advice but I thought I'd throw you a couple things that worked for me. I was on Match.com and found a great girl, etc, etc... I have no idea what you are like or who you would like to meet but here's a couple pointers:

1. When picking out a picture of yourself to post, wear a shirt, don't flex and don't look like you are preparing to slip her a mickey and drag her back to your basement apartment at your mom's house. In other words, look friendly and genuine.

2. When describing what your interests are, lay off the obvious. We ALL like to spend time with friends, cook dinner, go out to a bar and sometimes stay in and watch a movie. Be original! If you have no original interests, show some humor and joke about that fact. It may get you somewhere.

3. Speaking of humor, be funny enough to keep their interest but don't try too hard. You will come across annoying.

4. DO NOT WINK. Did you hear that??? DO NOT WINK!!! Women get hundreds of winks a week, or day depending. You will not stand out among them, I assure you. Drop a QUICK line. Not your life story, but not something creepy and short either like, "I think I love you".

5. If someone does not write you back, forget it. Here's why: They are not interested for whatever reason and if you hound them, you are automatically the weird match.com stalker. Most women on there join in packs of dozens. They trade stories, send each other the newest match.com rejects/psychos/stalkers... odds are that you will piss one off and then try to write to someone who is their best friend. You just ruined your chances with 2-12 women. Not good. It's slim pickings on there to begin with. Especially if you're looking within 5 miles of your area code. Oh, that also goes for using the ol' "copy and paste emails", too. Keep them personal, original and pertaining to something they wrote in their profiles. It shows you did more than look at their picture and think they are hot. They compare these emails with each other's and the last thing you want is carbon paper ink all over your introductions.

6. When you start talking with someone, make the emails a little more personal and longer as you go. Do not keep writing, "So, how was your day today?" after the 10th email. That gets played out real quick and they will most likely move on to another guy.

7. Try planning to meet up or just talk over the phone sooner than later to show you are interested. Give her YOUR number and put the ball in HER court. Women don't like to give out their number over the internet and I don't blame them one bit. HEY! NOW WHO'S LOOKING CONSIDERATE?? That's you, big guy!

8. When picking a name for yourself on there, stay FAR AWAY from names like, "Flexing4U", "GoYanks", "84TransAm", etc etc... Basically, don't come across like a meathead. Even if you happen to be one.

9. Lastly, you see that picture of Lawrence Taylor you attached to your CL post? Yeah.... lose that. No pics of your football heroes, car, triceps, weight bench, pets, you kissing a little baby (they aren't going to think that you are the sweetest guy going.. you'll have to prove that later on after you meet her).

10. Wait, I lied... one more. Be sure to spell EVERY SINGLE WORD CORRECTLY with full knowledge of the English language, punctuation and grammar. Learn to use spellcheck and/or make friends with someone who does. Remember, "Their" is completely different from "There"...

IDIOTIC COMMERCIAL

I really cannot stand these fucking retarded Yoplait commercials. I hate that girls' rat face and stupid "chocolate" comparisons. Obviously some fat-asses (see image) "connect" with these commercials, so they keep making more of them but its fucking ridiculous now. "Trying on chocolate shoes while getting a foot massage, good"?!?!?! WTF? Chocolate shoes?! That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Between those asinine GAP commericials (which seem to be on every 10 fucking seconds) and these moronic Yopliat ads I can't watch TV anymore. Someone pull the plug on this ad campaign or I am going on a shooting spree and starting with all things Yoplait. It is not "c'est ce bon".

EFFED UP KIDS NAMES

I really hate these retarded names that celebrities are using on their kids. I mean seriously, why would you do this to your kids?? Do you not remember how merciless kids were when you were young? Did you not see that Simpson’s episode when Marge and Homer were thinking what to name Bart? I know this is not a new rant (none of mine really are) but it got set off tonight when I was reading the new UsWeekly and there was a picture of Tea Leoni and her son, Kyd. KYD! WTF?!?!?! That is the most horrible name ever! I mean I hate when people name their dog, Dog, but your kid, Kyd?! That’s just fucking mean, lady.

FRIVILOUS LAWSUIT OF THE DAY

UGH, I just saw this on the Today show, Kitson the LA fashion boutique (double ugh for actually typing that) is suing UsWeekly, FOR NOT SAYING THEIR NAME ENOUGH IN THE MAGAZINE!! What the fuck world are we living in that we now sue people for not giving us enough free advertising? Who the fuck do these Kitson people think they are?? First of all, these people call the paparazzi themselves when celebrities are shopping there which causes a complete clusterfuck, which in turn causes people like Nicole Ritchie to cry so there, you're job is done, fuckers. The story is that UsWeekly is not "crediting" them enough in photo's (because the giant fucking bag that says KITSON'S weighing down the celebrity's bodyguards' arm isn't enough) Kitson's says they lose $10k a week in sales when they don't have their name mentioned. Give me a fucking break. If some judge doesn't laugh in their face and throw this out, then I don't know what the fuck has happened to our legal system. Frankly I don't know why anyone shops at fucking Kitson's, all they do is make a money out of your personal pain so why the fuck should anyone care about them?? And how long before the "Team UsWeekly" trucker cap comes out??

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS??

Bisexuals. I just don't believe such a thing exists naturally (I know it exists though). If, as the gay community would have us believe, that being gay is part of a person's genetic makeup and not a personal choice, I think being bi is something that is 100% a person's choice. An extremely selfish, self centered, childish person. Don't even try to tell me a person can't help wanting to fuck the entire planet! I mean why the fuck should you be allowed to have sex and relationships with men AND women and no repercussions because you're bi?? And for the people who date them, how can you ever really fully trust them?? I mean here is a person who is basically telling you "the whole worlds' my oyster - for fucking!" How can you know they're not sleeping with your brother and your sister?! I mean give me a fucking break, do you really think we are buying into this bullshit? Like you agonize over a decision to be with men or women and just can't?? :( Poor little insecure you. Fuck you, pick a sexuality and stick with it but I'm not buying the "bi".

CONSTRUCTION

Ugh, the school across the way from me has been under construction for almost TWO YEARS now and it's so fucking annoying!! It's all outside facade work and now that school is back in session, they have to work at nights so they are there from the time I get home from work and they work until midnight EVERY FUCKING NIGHT!!!! It's all drilling and scraping and hammering and knocking shit off the scaffolding and pouring water all night and it's literally driving me INSANE!! And then they work weekends too!! Saturday and Sunday. It's just a constant din all day and all night!! Shouldn't I get a rent reduction with this? This is completely ruining my lifestyle!! So fucking annoying!

STUPID PANTS FASHION...

I'm really hating this whole skinny pant trend that we are currently being bombarded with. Apparently the deal is we spend 2 years proclaiming that Nicole Ritchie and Kate Bosworth et al. are TOO THIN(!) and then we start an entire seasonal trend catering to this .00001 percent of the population that can actually live and breathe while suffering from an eating disorder?!?! What about the rest of the planet that actually eats a meal?? Now we are basically being punished for being normal, while the anorexics get new fashion? That's bullshit!

And while we're at it, GAP, WTF is with the "Audrey" pant??? Highwaters with white socks and loafers are "in"?! Isn't this just the Michael Jackson look anyway?? Are we bringing back pleather jackets with multiple zippers to go with them? UGH, you know what - I fucking hate the GAP anyway. Their most recent campaign before this ridiculous Audrey one, just reminded me of my Jr. Prom with the "Under the Stars and/or Sea" theme, I mean they've seriously resorted to stealing ideas from 14 year old girls and not even original 14 yr olds either!

SALESGUYS ARE LIKE OPEN SORES

So I haven't posted in a few days and I'll tell you why. I am dealing with the biggest asshole salesperson at work and he's totally turned a simple thing into a gigantic fucking mess, and has somehow gotten the CEO, GC and both VP's of Sales, involved and now I am forced to do shit like have meetings with everyone, finally culminating in a meeting with AS (Asshole Salesguy) and CEO to discuss "our issues" and now I have to spend my days leading up to that glorious event pulling all the nasty emails AS has ever sent to me as evidence that I don't have a fucking issue, that it's AS who has issues and I don't need this shit all fucking day long. Suffice it to say, I spent many many hours the past few days on calls with my boss and their boss and everyfuckingone, discussing what to do and it's taken up all my valueable blogging and drinking time! :(

Anyway after world war 3 erupted over a simple sentence in an email, and after talking to a lot of different people, the consensus is that NO ONE LIKES AS! They all want to see him fired and this includes his bosses, but they are too much of pussies to do it themselves so they are waiting for me to do the job for them. WTFF!?!? Salesguys are a dime a fucking dozen, fire the asshole. No one gets along with him, he's not bringing in sales anymore, and he's a complete fucktard. WHY is this person still employed and WHY do I need to do the dirty work for you??

UGH! I fucking hate sales. Anyway, I hope to do better on the posts.

WHO THE FUCK WOULD DATE THESE WOMEN??

So last week we did the men and now we will do women. I will say that men who date these women probably do it because they actually like them, not for money, or celebrity status, as women are apt to do with men. Which begs the question, 'WHY??' It's a serious question, I'd really like to know what it is about these women that draws men to them, I need all help I can get!


Chloe Sevigny - I really dislike this person, it's irrational, I know, I just can't seem to find one thing to like about her which of course means why would anyone else?! From her distastrious fashion choices that are just so desperately "look at meeee!" to her choice in movie roles and attitude (if you're going to give someone, Vincent Gallo no less!, a blowjob in a movie you better be prepared to fucking talk about it!) to her questionable hygeine "My mother and my brother were so thrilled [about her cutting her hair off] because my hair had always been so greasy, and I always wore it in my face." But also, she's just really homely and bland. I don't find her attractive at all, not that she even tries! And isn't it all about impressing me?!?!


Anna Nicole Smith - jesus, could you imagine waking up to this drink and drug addled amazon every morning?! I kinda of feel like she deserved that money for being with that corpse but seriously, she is fucking frightening herself!!


Fergie - I just don't get it! She is dating one of the hottest guys out there and she's a fucking mess! Her face is busted, she pees in her pants, her music is HORRENDOUS!! CHRIST! If I have to listen to that fucking idiotic "London Bridge" song again, I am going to have to burst my own eardrums! I will grant you she's got a hot body, but is that all there is in life*?!?! PS, isn't that band guy in that picture cute in a like an ethnic leprechaun way??

OK, well my rant kind of ran out steam because I couldn't upload any more pictures, but we'll pick this up another day because I have more.

*don't answer that

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS??

Starbucks. The whole experience is just soul crushing and demeaning. First of all, you have wait on a line that is like 20 fucking deep and it doesn't move fast either. Then you finally get close enough to one of those douchebag barrista's, and what the fuck is that?? Is EMPLOYEE too common for you?! Now you're a fucking "barrista"?! But now, they don't say anything, they just RAISE THEIR ARM when they're ready to take your order! WTF?? First of all, there are always like 4 or 5 of them in a row and I can't see past 5 - 6' tall men to notice if you're raising your fucking arm, and I don't need the cunt behind me sighing loudly and sirening "NEXT" in my fucking ear, so you know what, give a number or a shout or something. And then sometimes they ask your name and sometimes they don't - which to me is like Radio Shack asking for your home phone number. Obviously you can operate without it, and half the time its spelled wrong anyway, so mind your own fucking business, MISTER BARRISTA. And then you're herded down to the other end to pick up your drink and there are always like 10 people milling around and always one or two people that mosey on down and park right in front of the table where the drinks come out, effectively blocking everyone else who's already waiting and HELLO dickfaces, those other drinks are coming out first! So now everyone has to angle around you and listen to you giggle "oops, that's not mine, saawwy!" as you manhandle everything that is put down on the table. THEN you have to wait on another frigging line to put milk or sugar in your coffee and there is always that one woman in her Alfred Dunner career-wear and tragically sensible shoes, desperately trying to hold on to her 3o's and acting like a kick ass corporate whatever, who needs to put her splenda's in one at time and stir it and taste it and add another and WTF BITCH?!?! You know you take 3 every day so put three in at once and get out of the fucking way.

And all this is for an overpriced, CRAPPY cup of coffee and a refrigerated muffin. I don't know why I do this every day, I try to break the habit and I've realized that I just forget how sucky this is until I am on that goddamn line!

PEOPLE WHO ANNOY ME

You know what I really hate? These people that go running and feel it necessary to jog in place at intersections. ITS TWO FUCKING SECONDS! I really don't see how its prolonging your workout and frankly, I find it patronizing. I like when the light turns red because I get a mandatory 30 second break! It's just so annoying that you feel you're better than me because you can jog in place. Oh yeah buddy?! You think you're better than me?! IT'S GO TIME!*

Oh and for that matter, little miss "I have beautiful long flowing blonde tresses", put your hair in a goddamn ponytail, we all thinks its the bee's knees but you're fucking RUNNING, you asshat!!

*mandelbaum, mandelbaum....

BABY STROLLERS

I fear my neighborhood is being taken over by these things and I'll tell you right now, I don't like it. I am so sick of going out to eat at a nice place and then having to hear some fucking kid screaming its head off, or finding crayons on the table, or having to maneuver around some fucking 8 person carriage contraption when you're on the sidewalk going to the next bar! Why do we allow this? Instead of us trying to keep out the blacks and the gays, why don't we focus on what we all really hate - kids?! I mean nothing brings your single and lonely status more into focus than your deadbeat friends, the last 2 holdouts, the ones that make bongs out of fruit and eat something called "leftover casserole" bringing home a baby but not moving to LI like all good people should do. Now you have them in your face all the time, wanting to bring the kid everywhere you go but you can't complain because you're friends right? But then because these "friends" want to stay hip and cool you're required to be the 3rd wheel at every event even though these events were made for single people like YOU!! Where does it end??? I for one am taking stand! I am no longer going to put up with crying kids, if I hear one, I'm complaining to management. If I trip over your stupid ass carriage I am going to sue you, motherfucker. I really just long for the days when there were crack pipes and used condoms on the floor, not cheerios and "ba-ba's". And I will not rest (from complaining) until that happens again!!

WHAT IS THE EFFING POINT?

The other night I was out, at a bar. I noticed that the bar had a whole line of generic clear vodka bottles across it so when the bartender came over to take my order I asked if they had Stoli and he said they did and I ordered a Stoli Oh and tonic. When the drink came I noticed that it was kind of cloudy but it tasted ok, a little sweeter than Stoli oh but whatever, obviously they "make" their own vodka and even though he lied to me I let it go because it was an aussie bar (I feared a bloody brawl if the bartender thought I was questioning him) and the drinks were pretty cheap, and the bartender was cute. But then after eating, I started getting a little drunk and a little flirtatious (not pretty) so when I ordered another one, I confronted him on the fact that that it wasn't really Stoli and that he shouldn't say it is and then he proceeds to tell me the most ridiculous line that has now totally convinced me that eating kangaroo makes you retarded. His line is that IT IS Stoli but they infuse it themselves with oranges (which is illegal he informs me). WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU INFUSING A VODKA THAT ALREADY COMES IN A HANDY INFUSED FORMULA?!?!?!!? WTF kind of happy horseshit is this?? Do they really expect me to believe that they take a top shelf vodka, then mix in oranges and god knows what other garbage and it comes out all cloudy and shit and people actually prefer that?! And lets face it, does anyone really believe that its STOLI?? We all know its some random shit that comes out of a koala bears ass. What pisses me off is that he knows goddamn well its not Stoli but he lies to me (and presumably everyone else) and then has the nerve to keep a straight face while implying that people actually like it better!! I may have been born at night, but it wasn't last night, buster!

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS??

People who read the NY Times on the train like they are in their house, on their couch, with the tv on and their feet up. WHAT the FUCK dude?!?! Do you not realize that holding a newspaper that measures 4 fucking feet wide across - open - is disturbing people?? Have you not had the lesson where you are supposed to FOLD the fucking paper to the column you are reading?! Do you think the entire row of seats around you all want to have your arms and hands in front of their face?? How are you this fucking self centered?? Look around you numbnuts, NO ONE else is reading like that. Have some goddamn courtesy if you are going to ride the fucking train, you rude motherfucker.

NO FUCKING MANNERS

People these days have no fucking manners!! Its just digusting. I'm not Miss Manners or Emily Post or anything, but seriously, WTF?!?!?! On the subway, there is always someone that hogs the entire goddamn fucking pole when there are like 3000 people trying to cram inside and we're all left to try and wedge our hands on a spot and still not touch your fat ass or disgusting soft, mushy, cellulite-y tits. Its so fucking annoying, I'm sorry, did you just buy all the rights to this pole?? And how fucking oblivious are you that you don't see your entire fucking body blocking 45 people trying to hang on?!?! And for that matter, if the train is packed, its FUCKING FULL!! Stop trying to cram your fat fucking ass on the train by yelling at people to move in. Because seriously the next time you do, I'm gonna fucking shiv you and push you out as the doors close. I've fucking had it! I'm a small person and I always get stuck with some fat black dude shoving his cock against my hip and his undeodorized armpit in my fucking face.

Or how about the people who have no table manners. They chew with their mouths open, and/or they talk with food in there, both of which force food to fly out directly ONTO MY FACE AND FOOD!! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!?! How do you get to be an adult without learning some fucking rudimentary table manners. And why is your napkin filthier than your plate, its goes in the hole asshat, not on your face, its not fucking paint!! And why is there food floating in your goddamn wine glass?? Do you not know that you're supposed to swallow after chewing? I can't eat a meal like this. I'd rather see my 90 year old aunts teeth floating in a glass than your fucking half masticated veal paillard!

Or the people who sneeze/yawn/cough without covering their mouths. WHAT THE FUCK DUDE?!?!?! I don't need your fucking hepetitis or herpes or HIV. If I am going to get a disease, I want to get it the old fashioned way, unprotected sex and dirty needles. Don't try to convert me to your airborne disease infection way. UGH, just writing this is making me sick, I'm starting to gag. See what you've done!

I don't get it, these are basic manners that you are taught as a child. Who the fuck raised you, dingos?? Jesus christ!