Monday, December 10, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Monday, October 15, 2007
Monday, October 08, 2007
So I'm really annoyed now because its all about her, then she drags me to like 5 bars and she still can't pick one, even after every one she mentioned I said "SURE". All of a sudden we're 4 blocks down Prince St and she still can't make up her fucking mind.
Finally we find a place and then she spends the better part of 3 drinks bitching about work even though I warned her that that job wasn't for her (and not to mention that every time i speak to her she's complaining about her job) and then talking about guys she works with. That's it. The only time conversation drifted to me was when she said she didn't like my hair the last time she saw me. Why do I put up with this? Are friends like this normal??
Friday, October 05, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Monday, September 24, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Why does she have to surround herself with people that are good for her, why can't she make her own mind up? What is she 12, she doesn't know how to say no? Give me a break, she needs to take responsibility for own life and actions and stop blaming her problems on "other people". Fucking celebrities, they're all fucked in the head.
I wonder if the troops aren't sometimes annoyed by them? I mean because they have write back (I assume they do, whenever i hear thse stories the soldiers always write back)and its like if they have a hisband/wife and family plus their parents and siblings, all writing them, isn't getting letters from a total stranger where you have to write back, kind of like work then? If it was me, I'd be like send me some cookies or money if you want to support me, I don't need a fucking chore! Random stranger support isn't going to feed me or put braces on my kids, for godsake.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Monday, August 20, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Exhibit A - Cars
When driving her vehicle tends move at a pace either 20 mph less or more than everyone else. When other vehicles move slower or faster, mother tends to rant about "crazy drivers on the road".
Parking consists of always being in at least two spots at once, despite her recent ticket for doing so and her claim that "I didn't even buy anything at that store" which apparently did not work as a legal defense.
Changing lanes is done without signalling and at the most inappropriate times such as a double line or car coming in the other direction.
Exhibit B - Dining out
Arriving at a restaurant will loudly exclaim "see, its not empty" to whoever is directly behind her. If it is empty she will ask the waitstaff "why is it so dead here?".
When asked if she had made reservations she responds "I didn't think we'd have to make reservations here" with a laugh.
Loudly asks "is this fresh?" within earshot of at least 2 patrons and an employee of the restaurant.
Exhibit C - Miscellaneous
Repeats her stories over and over and over and as if she had never told it before. If she has a phone call she will repeat the entire call at least 3 times, regardless of whether you had been sitting there and heard the entire thing already.
Asks you at least 40x if the "corn is fresh" or "what time is it" or "what kind of wine goes with wine" or "how much fat is in it" or "what is the internet".
Lusting after men that are at least 30 years younger than her (EW). I think we have to get her medication checked.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Monday, August 06, 2007
I want to throw a fucking keyboard at her.
I want to leave and not come back.
But I also want to set her computer on fire before I leave.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Today's drama consisted of 2 ambulances, 3 cop cars, and a fire truck. I have no idea what happened but I did hear the drunk guy has been in prison for a few months now and they are very bad people.
Monday, July 23, 2007
I saw on the news last week that Scholastic and JK Rowling are planning on suing the NY Times and other publications and websites for printing reviews and selling copies of the last HP book before it officially goes on sale and come ON, who fucking cares?!? Rowling states that printing a review before the book comes out shows a "complete disregard of the wishes of literally millions of readers". Seriously dude? Ok, some points here, first of all, most of her readers are kids and the last time I checked, kids don't read the NY Times, hell most of my adult friends don't read the fucking NYTimes. So I doubt any kids are getting all suicidal because of it (and for those adults who read HP books, get a fucking life, this a story about wizards, the main characters are 11 fucking years old and they're smarter than you, don't you feel a little foolish reading this book?? I imagine you are fat and lonely and reside with several cats and most likely do not read the NY Times any more than the 8 year old who lives next to you and is 200 pages further into the book than you).
Secondly, why does it seem that every fucking time a new book comes out this same old shit happens?? Haven't they learned their lesson from the last 3 or 4 times this happened? The bottom line is if you are going to ship something out early but then hype up all the secrecy, people are going to fucking take advantage and start selling it and giving away plotlines. As HUMAN BEINGS we like ruining things for other people! It's our nature! I don't need a fucking degree in biology or rocket scientology to know this, all I need to know is that this whenever you try to keep something a secret, it gets out even faster than if you had published it on YouTube. Try to remember this the next time you have some shitty book launch so that the news that is broadcast all day actually consists of news and not this whiny bullshit from someone in the UK who is making millions of dollars off of Americans.
I know I had a 3rd and possibly 4th point, but I'm so irate, I have forgotten them. I'll update later if I can remember.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Oh and if I hear "spewing" on more time, someone at Fox5 is gonna pay. Dearly.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Enjoy this recipe:
1 cup carrots, diced
1 cup celery, diced
1 cup potatoes, diced
1 small shallot, diced
2 tablespoons Mrs. Dash
3 tablespoons olive oil
1 big ass, gigantic, filthy, dirty, dead rat that you found on the street next to your office
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Ok, I caught up on the last two episodes of Hells Kitchen last night and I have to say thank god Ramsey got rid of Melissa. If I had to watch that frizzy hair and listen to that horrible, whiney, demanding, obnoxious voice of hers, I'd kill myself. Anyway, I'm pretty disappointed by this season, no one is a real star in this group, I really feel like they were going to for ratings rather than an actual hunt for an amazing chef.
I don't mean any offense but does Ramsey honestly believe that Julia is going to be running his kitchen? I think she's really great but she has absolutely no background in fine dining, all her ideas are comfort food related (fish and chips, grilled steak) and all her skills are waffle house related (cooking eggs, sauteeing scallops, doing prep work). She complains that no one wants to listen to her ideas but I'm still waiting to hear one! Actually that's not true, her idea to put steak and shrimp on the red teams' menu was a good idea, if not actually inspired. When diners are faced with a whole lot of fancy shit, sometimes they're gonna go for a steak. Not every diner is sophisticated enough to want to eat donkeys brains and pig entrails. They just want a steak. And since the other team didn't have a steak, it's sure to be a good bet.
Rock is just a lazy asshole. He acts all pissed off when other people try to take the reins, but I have yet to see HIM try to take the reins. He just gets all pissed off and then blames them for everything that goes wrong. I think he gets kicked off in the next episode, they showed him crying like a bitch saying "I let down my family". Ugh, go already.
My prediction to win is Jen. She actually has fine dining experience and she seems able to handle herself and a kitchen and she doesn't have the insecurities of a Bonnie ("are you mad at me?") and as for Josh, I don't even know why he's still there, unless it's so Ramsey has a whipping boy for a few weeks.
I know this is from last season, but I love when he tells her to get her breasts off the hot plate!
Monday, July 16, 2007
I feel like this is all a publicity attempt though, first of all, her platform is Internet Safety for kids. Now as someone who chooses this platform wouldn’t a modicum of internet savviness be a prerequisite??? Like, um, knowing that anyone can find out anything about you on the FUCKING INTERNET SO STOP MAKING IT EASIER BY POSTING STUPID NON-SEXY PICTURES???
And now she’s all embarrassed and shit and she goes on the Today Show and not surprisingly she’s kind of a moron (she is from Jersey). How does she go on TV and show a picture of her boyfriend biting her breast and her caption is “but he’s really intelligent”. WTF does that mean? I think we can rest easy that she’s not hatching a more complicated scheme to get attention. I think we’ve hit maximum brain power here.
And finally, the *ransom* demand. No one knows who is behind this which is odd because I can’t imagine a rocket scientist was behind this lame attempt at bribery (she has to give up her crown or else they go public?!) and if they do find out who did this I bet it’ll be because the person behind it was laughing their ass off in a bar and spills the beans. But seriously, something tells me this is going to be as fruitful a search as OJ’s search for Nicole and Ron’s killer.
Friday, July 06, 2007
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Top 10 Women Shaped Like Linebackers
1. Jessica Biel - I think we all know how I feel about this one
2. Mariah Carey - 10 pounds of sausage in a 5 pound sack
3. Janet Reno - I can't tell the difference between her and when Will Ferrell plays her
4. Hillary Clinton - CANCKLES
5. Fergie - ugh she's just gross
6. Serena & Venus Williams - great tennis players but they could easily take on Tiki & Ronde Barber and win
7. Samantha Ronson - she's just fucking ugly, maybe she's not a linebacker, but she could totally be that guy that just kicks the ball for the 7th point
8. Kimora Lee Simmons - christ, you see the neck rolls on this beast?!
9. Kim Kardashian - that ass is so ridiculous, you could park a bike in it.
As always feel free to leave your nominees in the comments section.
Why can't these celebrities dance? Paris and Nicki Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan, and now, Bai Ling. In my day people knew how to dance and if they didn't, they stayed against the wall or they just didn't go out. Nowadays, these girls just lick a stripper pole and imitate an epileptic seizure and they call that dancing?! THAT'S DANCING?! And correct me if I'm wrong, but these girls don't actually do much of anything right? Sure they're in a stinker of a movie every now and then, but they spend most of their time half naked and drunk at clubs laughing at everyone else, don't they? You'd think they'd pick up some rhythm just by osmosis, right? Or at the very least they'd realize that they were terrible dancers and stop assaulting our eyes with these "moves". How are their friends not laughing their asses off when they see this? How is the person holding this camera not rolling around the floor in hysterics? Elaine with the "Little Kicks" is better at dancing than these fools.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Friday, June 15, 2007
Thursday, June 14, 2007
If I see one more fucking picture of Heidi Montag frolicking on the beach in a bikini, I am going to start paying a visit to all these gossip sites headquarters with my friend, Remington 12 gauge. Her, and that fug ass boyfriend and those cheap ass implants and the rest of her stupid plastic surgeries. How much self loathing does a person have to have to get a nose job, chin job, boob job (and god knows what else) in one sitting?! She might as well kill herself because she's never going to be pretty enough. Also, for someone who seems to spend days on end at the beach, how is she so pasty?? And now because I can't bring myself to post a picture of her nasty ass (which would actually negate the power of this rant) please enjoy this video of a monkey giving head. Smooches!
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Hillary Clinton – wants to be the first “Menstruating American” running the White House. Who are we kidding, more like the first “Menopausal American”. Peace treaty summit talks will break down completely when Hilly gets a hot flash and starts rubbing up against Kim Yong-Il. And Bill, I love you Bill, but come on, are we really to believe that you’ll be relegated to picking out china patterns and curtain samples and setting up dinners for 200?? What a come down, I feel for you Bubba, you better start lining up some tail so you don’t feel completely emasculated when you see your wife sitting in the chair you used to occupy. I mean seriously, do they think this will work?? It’s like when the husband makes less money than the wife. You try to be big about it but fuck - that smarts! I think this is how serial killers start out.
Barack Obama – I think it’s great that he wants to be the first black president, but here’s a tip for him. Lots of votes come from Middle America - which happens to also be where lots of racists live, now I’m not sure if they’d vote for a white woman over a black man because they’re also sexist, but here’s a surefire way to say “hey, I’m a dude, just like you!”. Get photographed making sexy time with an Asian woman. If you a pick a white woman they’ll lynch you, if you pick a black woman, they’ll just confuse her with your wife. Trust me; nothing is more presidential than sleeping with cheap Asian hookers. Unless Paris Hilton is around (and then the white thing is moot), I think she could be the next Marilyn. Do you have a brother who likes to share women and a boat??
Rudy Giuliani – Um, apparently if your only political experience is being mayor and also doing things like marrying your FIRST cousin are no longer deterrents on the road to the White House! God Bless America! What makes this all the more ridiculous is that he is currently the GOP front runner! Are you fucking kidding me, what happened to good Republican morals and repression and hatred of all things 21st century? Marrying 3 times, having a wife who was married 2x, living with gay men, being pro-choice, are we sure this elephant isn’t an ass?
John McCain – Didn’t this clown die in a war? I know most of America is stupid but I really can’t see them electing a corpse to be president, senator I can see, but President HA - that’s more a premise for the next “Weekend at Bernie’s”. Oh that’s a good idea; I’m going to sell that.
Mitt Romney – Let’s give it up for Mormons! Besides the polygamy practiced in this “religion” does anyone know anything else about Mormonism? I know more about Scientology and that’s just from reading gossip, I mean for all we know they could endorse bestiality and line dancing! And just because Big Love has a few viewers it does not mean America wants you in the White House, marrying your wife’s sisters and having 50 inbred brats sacrificing chickens. Although I bet the parties would be pretty cool.
John Edwards – how much you want to bet he’s hoping his wife dies of cancer before the elections so he can count on the sympathy votes (and my marriage proposal - hubba hubba!)? Huh? How MUCH????
I know there are a lot more of these idiots, Russ Feingold (I went to kindergarten with a kid named Russ who ALWAYS yanked my hair really hard (thanks for the fucking pigtails, MOM!) and whenever I would complain to the teacher she would just say “oh he just likes you “ (yeah, enough to fucking assault me on a daily basis, bitch, I should have sued you, you dumb cow) and then one day I had had enough and I hauled back and punched him in the face as hard as I could and of course I get into trouble and my mother has to drive me down to school to see the teacher about putting me into the afternoon classes and as we are driving to the school I’m leaning against the car door and I FALL OUT and my mother KEEPS GOING until the end of the block when she realizes that the door is wide open and I’m laying on the street…) and that’s why I hate you Russ, Bill Richardson, Joe Biden, Tommy Thompson, Chris Dodd, but these guys have no chance of making it, so why even bother making fun of them? They’re like Prince Harry, sure, they COULD be King, but you’d have to smite your father and brother to get there first and I don’t think these guys have the nuts to hurt anyone, let alone kill them. Besides, Hillary is built like a brick shithouse, I’ve never seen stouter ankles on a “woman”.
Frankly, I’m going to vote for Fred Thompson, even if he ends up not being on the ballot I’m going to write his name in, I love Law & Order, he looks presidential (just look at that picture, stern yet patriotic) and he seems like a stand up guy on TV and if you can’t trust what you see on TV, THEN THE TERRORISTS WIN**. Even though we already won*.
**As I was putting the finishing touches on this post someone sent me a picture that someone they know, drew, and it had the “then the terrorists win” line which means this is now as annoying a phrase as “don’t you know you there’s a war going on?” (to which I say no, since we already won*) and I was going to take it out of my post but then I figured fuck it, he didn't invent the phrase but now its annoying me so when I use it, it will simply be to irritate myself. That’s right, irritate, like a hot rash. Or pepper in your nose. Or allergies. That's it, irritate me baby, right there, that’s the spot, ooooooohhhhh yeah, if this is wrong, I don't want to be right....
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
See the link for pickpocket pictures.
*I'm going to feel really bad about this post if she actually is recovering from cancer, kind of like Rosie O'donell did after she ranked on Anna Nicole and then she turned up dead that day.
Monday, June 11, 2007
2 - I'll call you. - do we even have to list this one?
3 - It tastes like chicken! - please, if it tasted like chicken it would be called chicken. Something called "beaver ass" is NOT going to taste like chicken!
4 - Don't worry, they'll love you! - nope, they won't,what they will be doing though is judging you and talking about you behind your back.
5 - It's easy, if I can do it, anyone can! - no, its never that easy, because if we all could do it, then wouldn't we already be doing it?!
6 - Some assembly required. - yeah if "some" means 3 weeks of you frantically trying to match up that pile of sticks on the floor to the picture on the box and then crying into an empty bottle of Jack Daniels that you're useless and then putting an ad on Craiglist that says "Free Sticks, you must pick them up, look for the house with the sticks being thrown out the window."
7 - Your newborn baby is so cute! - ugh, newborns are not cute, they all look like wrinkled, red, old men, regardless of the sex. And the ones that are born with a full head of hair are even scarier!
8 - I read the Wall Street Journal every morning. - ok, even if this is not a lie, it's so douchey that you don't want to believe people you know actually say things like this.
9 - I never look at porn. - Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, you have a computer but you've never "accidentally" let your mouse click on any porn sites. I may have been born at night, but it wasn't last night!
That's all I have for now, but feel free to leave your top lies in the comments section so I can snigger over how stupid they are!
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Me on Weds: hey, what are you doing this weekend, do you want to get together?
Him on Weds: not sure, might go to LI to see the fam.
Me on Weds: ok, I’m going to make plans then, have fun!
Him on Fri: hey, did you make plans for the weekend yet?
Me on Fri: I have plans for tonight and tentative plans for tomorrow. Why. What’s up?
Him on Fri: I thought we could hang out, I’m not going to LI.
Me on Fri: Well let’s hang out tomorrow then, I’ll cancel my other plans.
Me on Sat: hey it’s so nice out, do you want to go to this Chinese festival downtown?
Him on Sat: I’m buying a treadmill.
Me on Sat: um ok, so what are we doing tonight?
Him: I think I’m just going to lay low.
(Me, totally fucking fuming because WTF is this shit?!?!?! You make me cancel plans to DO NOTHING?!?! My annoyance level is at RED.)
Me: Why don’t you lay low for good? I don’t need your passive aggressive shit.
Him: Fuck you.
(ok motherfucker, you want to play that game?! Well Fuck YOU and fuck your MOTHER too!). I didn’t text that, when people respond like that, the immaturity of it wakes me up and makes me realize that “I’m so much better than you and this is why I’m dumping you”.
So three weeks go by and I get a text from him one night:
Him: Hey kiki, what’s up? Just wanted to say hi!
Me: *delete message*
Then another 2 weeks go by (and that brings us up to this past weekend) and I get:
Him: Hey kiki, how are things?
Me: (mild annoyance now, don’t you get it, I’m ignoring you?) Hey, I’m fine.
Him: Oh good, how’s work?
Me: Look, not to be presumptuous here, but if you think we are going to be friends, I just don’t see it happening. You were extremely rude to me, last we spoke.
Him: Well you’ve said things to me that have hurt my feelings in the past and I didn’t say anything.
WTF?? Is he kidding me?! What kind of man is this? How is it I attract these momma’s boys, these losers, these men that are children still?? This is a grown fucking 40 year old man texting me about his hurt feelings from months ago!! GET OVER IT, YOU FUCKING 'MO!!!
Oh and *delete message*.
“Stupid bird won’t stop singing” – received at 5:35 AM, her time. On a SATURDAY!! Who is so alert on a Sat. morning at that time that a bird wakes them up?! And unless you need some advice on how to kick out that possible herpes infection you invited home last night, there is no reason you should be texting ME at that hour! I mean its 8:30 here; I’m still sleeping one off!
“Ugh, why is tomato on a BLT?” Um… seriously??
“What kinds of clothes do you guys wear there?” She means to the office, she has a new job in NY and she’s apparently lost her fucking mind in CA and cannot understand that people just. wear. clothes. to the office, JUST LIKE IN CALIFORNEEEEEEEE! So I respond that it’s pretty fucking hot and basically people wear anything that’s acceptable and she texts back the following:
“Like cotton pants? Can I wear those?” Are you kidding me? (You know once I asked someone if they were kidding me as a rhetorical question, mainly to underscore the idiocy of her request and not only did she respond but the response was “no, I’m not kidding”. Totally deadpan and like she was about to cry. I don’t ask that question out loud anymore, I’m afraid of getting another response.) I mean first off, WTF are ‘cotton pants'?! and secondly, how does a 34 year old woman who has always lived in urban areas and claims that Barneys is her “happy place” say the phrase “cotton pants”??? HOOOOOOOOOW, Dear God?!