Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Top 10 Women Shaped Like Linebackers
1. Jessica Biel - I think we all know how I feel about this one
2. Mariah Carey - 10 pounds of sausage in a 5 pound sack
3. Janet Reno - I can't tell the difference between her and when Will Ferrell plays her
4. Hillary Clinton - CANCKLES
5. Fergie - ugh she's just gross
6. Serena & Venus Williams - great tennis players but they could easily take on Tiki & Ronde Barber and win
7. Samantha Ronson - she's just fucking ugly, maybe she's not a linebacker, but she could totally be that guy that just kicks the ball for the 7th point
8. Kimora Lee Simmons - christ, you see the neck rolls on this beast?!
9. Kim Kardashian - that ass is so ridiculous, you could park a bike in it.
As always feel free to leave your nominees in the comments section.
Why can't these celebrities dance? Paris and Nicki Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan, and now, Bai Ling. In my day people knew how to dance and if they didn't, they stayed against the wall or they just didn't go out. Nowadays, these girls just lick a stripper pole and imitate an epileptic seizure and they call that dancing?! THAT'S DANCING?! And correct me if I'm wrong, but these girls don't actually do much of anything right? Sure they're in a stinker of a movie every now and then, but they spend most of their time half naked and drunk at clubs laughing at everyone else, don't they? You'd think they'd pick up some rhythm just by osmosis, right? Or at the very least they'd realize that they were terrible dancers and stop assaulting our eyes with these "moves". How are their friends not laughing their asses off when they see this? How is the person holding this camera not rolling around the floor in hysterics? Elaine with the "Little Kicks" is better at dancing than these fools.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Friday, June 15, 2007
Thursday, June 14, 2007
If I see one more fucking picture of Heidi Montag frolicking on the beach in a bikini, I am going to start paying a visit to all these gossip sites headquarters with my friend, Remington 12 gauge. Her, and that fug ass boyfriend and those cheap ass implants and the rest of her stupid plastic surgeries. How much self loathing does a person have to have to get a nose job, chin job, boob job (and god knows what else) in one sitting?! She might as well kill herself because she's never going to be pretty enough. Also, for someone who seems to spend days on end at the beach, how is she so pasty?? And now because I can't bring myself to post a picture of her nasty ass (which would actually negate the power of this rant) please enjoy this video of a monkey giving head. Smooches!
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Hillary Clinton – wants to be the first “Menstruating American” running the White House. Who are we kidding, more like the first “Menopausal American”. Peace treaty summit talks will break down completely when Hilly gets a hot flash and starts rubbing up against Kim Yong-Il. And Bill, I love you Bill, but come on, are we really to believe that you’ll be relegated to picking out china patterns and curtain samples and setting up dinners for 200?? What a come down, I feel for you Bubba, you better start lining up some tail so you don’t feel completely emasculated when you see your wife sitting in the chair you used to occupy. I mean seriously, do they think this will work?? It’s like when the husband makes less money than the wife. You try to be big about it but fuck - that smarts! I think this is how serial killers start out.
Barack Obama – I think it’s great that he wants to be the first black president, but here’s a tip for him. Lots of votes come from Middle America - which happens to also be where lots of racists live, now I’m not sure if they’d vote for a white woman over a black man because they’re also sexist, but here’s a surefire way to say “hey, I’m a dude, just like you!”. Get photographed making sexy time with an Asian woman. If you a pick a white woman they’ll lynch you, if you pick a black woman, they’ll just confuse her with your wife. Trust me; nothing is more presidential than sleeping with cheap Asian hookers. Unless Paris Hilton is around (and then the white thing is moot), I think she could be the next Marilyn. Do you have a brother who likes to share women and a boat??
Rudy Giuliani – Um, apparently if your only political experience is being mayor and also doing things like marrying your FIRST cousin are no longer deterrents on the road to the White House! God Bless America! What makes this all the more ridiculous is that he is currently the GOP front runner! Are you fucking kidding me, what happened to good Republican morals and repression and hatred of all things 21st century? Marrying 3 times, having a wife who was married 2x, living with gay men, being pro-choice, are we sure this elephant isn’t an ass?
John McCain – Didn’t this clown die in a war? I know most of America is stupid but I really can’t see them electing a corpse to be president, senator I can see, but President HA - that’s more a premise for the next “Weekend at Bernie’s”. Oh that’s a good idea; I’m going to sell that.
Mitt Romney – Let’s give it up for Mormons! Besides the polygamy practiced in this “religion” does anyone know anything else about Mormonism? I know more about Scientology and that’s just from reading gossip, I mean for all we know they could endorse bestiality and line dancing! And just because Big Love has a few viewers it does not mean America wants you in the White House, marrying your wife’s sisters and having 50 inbred brats sacrificing chickens. Although I bet the parties would be pretty cool.
John Edwards – how much you want to bet he’s hoping his wife dies of cancer before the elections so he can count on the sympathy votes (and my marriage proposal - hubba hubba!)? Huh? How MUCH????
I know there are a lot more of these idiots, Russ Feingold (I went to kindergarten with a kid named Russ who ALWAYS yanked my hair really hard (thanks for the fucking pigtails, MOM!) and whenever I would complain to the teacher she would just say “oh he just likes you “ (yeah, enough to fucking assault me on a daily basis, bitch, I should have sued you, you dumb cow) and then one day I had had enough and I hauled back and punched him in the face as hard as I could and of course I get into trouble and my mother has to drive me down to school to see the teacher about putting me into the afternoon classes and as we are driving to the school I’m leaning against the car door and I FALL OUT and my mother KEEPS GOING until the end of the block when she realizes that the door is wide open and I’m laying on the street…) and that’s why I hate you Russ, Bill Richardson, Joe Biden, Tommy Thompson, Chris Dodd, but these guys have no chance of making it, so why even bother making fun of them? They’re like Prince Harry, sure, they COULD be King, but you’d have to smite your father and brother to get there first and I don’t think these guys have the nuts to hurt anyone, let alone kill them. Besides, Hillary is built like a brick shithouse, I’ve never seen stouter ankles on a “woman”.
Frankly, I’m going to vote for Fred Thompson, even if he ends up not being on the ballot I’m going to write his name in, I love Law & Order, he looks presidential (just look at that picture, stern yet patriotic) and he seems like a stand up guy on TV and if you can’t trust what you see on TV, THEN THE TERRORISTS WIN**. Even though we already won*.
**As I was putting the finishing touches on this post someone sent me a picture that someone they know, drew, and it had the “then the terrorists win” line which means this is now as annoying a phrase as “don’t you know you there’s a war going on?” (to which I say no, since we already won*) and I was going to take it out of my post but then I figured fuck it, he didn't invent the phrase but now its annoying me so when I use it, it will simply be to irritate myself. That’s right, irritate, like a hot rash. Or pepper in your nose. Or allergies. That's it, irritate me baby, right there, that’s the spot, ooooooohhhhh yeah, if this is wrong, I don't want to be right....
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
See the link for pickpocket pictures.
*I'm going to feel really bad about this post if she actually is recovering from cancer, kind of like Rosie O'donell did after she ranked on Anna Nicole and then she turned up dead that day.
Monday, June 11, 2007
2 - I'll call you. - do we even have to list this one?
3 - It tastes like chicken! - please, if it tasted like chicken it would be called chicken. Something called "beaver ass" is NOT going to taste like chicken!
4 - Don't worry, they'll love you! - nope, they won't,what they will be doing though is judging you and talking about you behind your back.
5 - It's easy, if I can do it, anyone can! - no, its never that easy, because if we all could do it, then wouldn't we already be doing it?!
6 - Some assembly required. - yeah if "some" means 3 weeks of you frantically trying to match up that pile of sticks on the floor to the picture on the box and then crying into an empty bottle of Jack Daniels that you're useless and then putting an ad on Craiglist that says "Free Sticks, you must pick them up, look for the house with the sticks being thrown out the window."
7 - Your newborn baby is so cute! - ugh, newborns are not cute, they all look like wrinkled, red, old men, regardless of the sex. And the ones that are born with a full head of hair are even scarier!
8 - I read the Wall Street Journal every morning. - ok, even if this is not a lie, it's so douchey that you don't want to believe people you know actually say things like this.
9 - I never look at porn. - Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, you have a computer but you've never "accidentally" let your mouse click on any porn sites. I may have been born at night, but it wasn't last night!
That's all I have for now, but feel free to leave your top lies in the comments section so I can snigger over how stupid they are!
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Me on Weds: hey, what are you doing this weekend, do you want to get together?
Him on Weds: not sure, might go to LI to see the fam.
Me on Weds: ok, I’m going to make plans then, have fun!
Him on Fri: hey, did you make plans for the weekend yet?
Me on Fri: I have plans for tonight and tentative plans for tomorrow. Why. What’s up?
Him on Fri: I thought we could hang out, I’m not going to LI.
Me on Fri: Well let’s hang out tomorrow then, I’ll cancel my other plans.
Me on Sat: hey it’s so nice out, do you want to go to this Chinese festival downtown?
Him on Sat: I’m buying a treadmill.
Me on Sat: um ok, so what are we doing tonight?
Him: I think I’m just going to lay low.
(Me, totally fucking fuming because WTF is this shit?!?!?! You make me cancel plans to DO NOTHING?!?! My annoyance level is at RED.)
Me: Why don’t you lay low for good? I don’t need your passive aggressive shit.
Him: Fuck you.
(ok motherfucker, you want to play that game?! Well Fuck YOU and fuck your MOTHER too!). I didn’t text that, when people respond like that, the immaturity of it wakes me up and makes me realize that “I’m so much better than you and this is why I’m dumping you”.
So three weeks go by and I get a text from him one night:
Him: Hey kiki, what’s up? Just wanted to say hi!
Me: *delete message*
Then another 2 weeks go by (and that brings us up to this past weekend) and I get:
Him: Hey kiki, how are things?
Me: (mild annoyance now, don’t you get it, I’m ignoring you?) Hey, I’m fine.
Him: Oh good, how’s work?
Me: Look, not to be presumptuous here, but if you think we are going to be friends, I just don’t see it happening. You were extremely rude to me, last we spoke.
Him: Well you’ve said things to me that have hurt my feelings in the past and I didn’t say anything.
WTF?? Is he kidding me?! What kind of man is this? How is it I attract these momma’s boys, these losers, these men that are children still?? This is a grown fucking 40 year old man texting me about his hurt feelings from months ago!! GET OVER IT, YOU FUCKING 'MO!!!
Oh and *delete message*.
“Stupid bird won’t stop singing” – received at 5:35 AM, her time. On a SATURDAY!! Who is so alert on a Sat. morning at that time that a bird wakes them up?! And unless you need some advice on how to kick out that possible herpes infection you invited home last night, there is no reason you should be texting ME at that hour! I mean its 8:30 here; I’m still sleeping one off!
“Ugh, why is tomato on a BLT?” Um… seriously??
“What kinds of clothes do you guys wear there?” She means to the office, she has a new job in NY and she’s apparently lost her fucking mind in CA and cannot understand that people just. wear. clothes. to the office, JUST LIKE IN CALIFORNEEEEEEEE! So I respond that it’s pretty fucking hot and basically people wear anything that’s acceptable and she texts back the following:
“Like cotton pants? Can I wear those?” Are you kidding me? (You know once I asked someone if they were kidding me as a rhetorical question, mainly to underscore the idiocy of her request and not only did she respond but the response was “no, I’m not kidding”. Totally deadpan and like she was about to cry. I don’t ask that question out loud anymore, I’m afraid of getting another response.) I mean first off, WTF are ‘cotton pants'?! and secondly, how does a 34 year old woman who has always lived in urban areas and claims that Barneys is her “happy place” say the phrase “cotton pants”??? HOOOOOOOOOW, Dear God?!
Monday, June 04, 2007
Oh so let me get this straight. Ernest is stuffing money in my purse when I am away and can’t see it but you feel it’s your job to let me know in no uncertain terms that it’s there and we should all acknowledge his generosity?? Well thank you Miss Fucking No Manners, nothing makes me more warm and fuzzy inside than knowing that you are selfish bitch who can’t even let her boyfriend do a good deed, even if its not that good of a deed considering a) I paid for almost his entire going away dinner and party because his family and friends were too cheap to pony up some dough, b) I just paid for all your food that you gluttons just ordered and that last round of drinks and I don’t even know you, and c) I’m always lending him money for cabs and shit at the end of the night when he’s done buying drinks for women who are not greedy euro-trash skanks (ie not you).
Thanks PiggyBack Money-Whore, but next time, if you’re going to draw attention to the fact that there is money in my purse either let it be your own money or let it be more than $30, seriously. My dog shits out more than that. Come ON!
*not his real name, and yes, I hate my friends enough to give them the worst names I can think of.
Sunday, June 03, 2007
I was out the other the night with some ex co-workers and found out that someone is throwing me a good-bye party from work! Now this is a nice gesture, I have to say, I'm really pleased, but unless I got fired and wasn't told about it, I'm not leaving my job. Oh and how is it I wasn't even invited?? It's like waking up and reading my obituary!