I had another crapola date last night. First of all, the guy sends me 4 text messages before the date, even though we had already confirmed things the day before, consisting of 1. Are we still on, 2. what time? (WTF what time, what fucking time did we say yesterday??) 3. what’s the dresscode? and 4. so jeans are ok? UGH, I’m already fucking over you.
So I arrive and of course, it’s the one guy not in an ironic sweater with suede patches on the elbows that I am meeting. He’s wearing a work shirt from his fire company with a stretched out long sleeve thermal underwear shirt underneath that, really old jeans that are like a faded powder blue with old dirt stains, unshaven face. I get there and he’s doing shots. SHOTS on a first date?!?! Before I even ARRIVE?? So I sit, he loudly overshares that he’s not used to “YUPPIE BARS”. Then he makes me order our food because he “doesn’t know what those words mean”. He then orders his 3rd beer and now they are out of Corona so he has to order a Sierra Nevada Pale Ale and he lets me and the rest of the bar know that he “never drank a YUPPIE BEER” as he pulls out a well worn Corona beer cozy (I shit you not, a beer fucking cozy) to cover the SNPA label and his shame in being forced to drink something that doesn’t have “High Life” or “King of Beers” in the advertising. He calls me a yuppie and then the neighborhood a yuppie (does this guy know any other fucking words??) and when I try to explain the difference between yuppie (which the bar was not) and hipster/hoofus (which the bar was) he couldn’t see the difference and then let me know in no uncertain terms that I was “geographically undesirable”. ME?? He lives in Staten Fucking Island!!! I’m geographically undesirable? The only reason I went out on this shitty date with this assclown was because we set it up like 3 weeks ago and I kept blowing him off but he worked in the neighborhood and was amenable to meeting not far from my place. (I’ve gotten so lazy with dating that now that I won’t date anyone who makes me go someplace to meet them on the first date, they have to meet me and not more than 1 mile from my apt or I don’t go. True story.).
So at this point I am just trying to figure out an out because he’s started hinting about getting some gum so “we won’t have garlic breath” and really, there is no way that we are going to be in a position to worry about our breath, I’d rather make out with the bartender who btw knows that this is a “blind date” because this moron has been telling her all about me whenever I go to the bathroom and in between his shots of SoCo and Lime. Finally after his 9th beer and 4th shot I tell him that I have to go home to be up early today and then he doesn’t even offer me a ride home!! He brings his motorcycle with the one seater which means he had no intentions of being a gentleman at all!! It’s just as well though, because I really do not want him knowing where I live but still, saying “you ok to walk home by yourself?” isn’t getting you a second date. So now I am walking home and he has texted me 5 times. FIVE FUCKING TIMES. He wants to go to Coney Island and get a Nathan’s hotdog and ride the Cyclone, he wants to go see an IMAX movie, he wants to go the Botanical Gardens… Is this guy for fucking real? He shows up in dirty old clothes looking like he may have a problem with hygiene, then he makes derogatory comments all through the evening about me, my neighborhood, the restaurant, the food, he drinks WAY TOO MUCH for a first date, and then he makes me walk home by myself and he thinks we’re going out again? Don't hold your breath, assface.