GEORGE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! MY GOD!

i was reading this article about ron jeremy and i realized, i had never seen a "famous" porn movie. Is this possible? When I was younger, my porn consumption came from old video's that my boyfriends at the time would have stashed in their closet or ceiling tiles and I can't recall ever seeing anything that didn't look like it was made after the 1950's and now my porn comes from the internet and you could watch for years without seeing the same movie twice, let alone stumble onto anything remotely "famous". I've never rented a porn from a video store (is that not the most disgusting things ever? Anything you touch in that place is pretty much been masturbated on, I doubt they cleaned those packages when they were brought back) and I don't shop online for video's and even at the sex stores, I don't look at the video sections, I just giggle at the greeting cards section and buy something stupid like gummi penises and pretend its for a bachelorette party. I might have seen the Hedgehog in action once, I vaguely remember a short, fat, hairy guy, doing a girl on one of those chaise lounges, outside by a pool. Anyone know if this is one of his?

I guess I could start paying for my porn, but I'm really too cheap to pay to watch other people fuck. But feel free to send me any famous porn you might have.

WON'T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR?

This morning was a bit of a doozy for me and my neighbors. It turns out that one of the brownstones on my block houses a family of criminals. I didn't realize this until today but then things started coming back to me. Like the time last summer when it was pouring rain out and there was a guy who was so drunk off his ass, yelling at someone to "STOP STARING AT ME!!". I looked but I didn't see who he was yelling at, but he kept that shit up for a good half an hour and then I thought he was maybe yelling at me! Then there were all the times I heard drunk people shouting at each other for hours on end, (seriously, hours, these people could keep up a fight). Sometimes when they fought, some feral cats would be out there fucking so the noise would get co-mingled. And then there was the time last week when the cops were out there and one woman was apparently filing some sort of complaint on her front stoop about the other woman who was standing there. The complaint kind of went like this "I DON'T TRUST HER! I DON'T TRUST HER!" and the cop basically staring off into space, wishing he was still at the bar.

Today's drama consisted of 2 ambulances, 3 cop cars, and a fire truck. I have no idea what happened but I did hear the drunk guy has been in prison for a few months now and they are very bad people.

YOU CAN GET WITH THIS OR YOU CAN GET WITH THAT

There was a debate the other day with the democrats and you know, as much as I think it's great that Barack Obama is running, or wants to run or whatever, I'm starting to get a little sick of his "well I never voted for the war" stance. I'm not on Team Hillary, but enough is enough already. I get it, you didn't vote for the war, you don't like war, you're a pussy, blah blah. But what I hear when he continually rubs that in, is "I have no other agenda for this nation". He might have more up his sleeve, I don't know, all i know is that this is what I hear when I hear him speak. Can't we just agree that the war was voted for on unclear facts, that no one really wants this, that it's been too costly, that are no WMD's, that there we can't find Osama and that we want an exit strategy before every single one of our troops is killed and that's that? I mean I think all the parties are on the same page here. Let's try to move on and fix this as best we can and lets start to focus on other things like healthcare, homeless, elderly, unemployment, gas prices, home ownership, you know, on domestic issues.

I KNOW WHO KILLED ME

Christ, I am so irritated right now, all this fucking media coverage of Lindsay Lohan's most recent arrest and here's the best part, her mother states:

"My children, my family, we are like prisoners in our own home because paparazzi [are stalking us] outside [our] home. Lindsay is in a safe place. We are waiting for the press frenzy to die down and leave her alone. And please respect our privacy."

Is she for fucking real?! Is this not the SAME person who invited cameras into her daughters last stay in rehab?? Who turns every public appearance by her kids into a gimmick to sell herself as a celebrity?? I totally agree with celebrities who have the "I'm a person, I need my personal time" but people who fucking invite media and cameras and attention and then complain about it when its not flattering to them, should get the "Swimming With Sharks" treatment (papercuts, lemon juice, salt, hot pepper sauce) with their press releases. Who does this bitch think she is? I'm not a parent and I definitely think kids need to grow up at some point, but this mother has done everything in her power to make her daughter the mess she is today, she should be in jail for neglect. How is Lindsay ever going to learn consequences when her mother condones everything thing she does? If she devoted half the time she spends on marketing herself and taking advantage of her kids, maybe they wouldn't be so fucking screwed up! Ugh, I don't even know why I care so much, this shit just drives me nuts.

SHE'S PERFECT 1O, BUT SHE WEARS A 12

Someone just told me about these flip flops that help you lose weight and it got me to thinking about these pants that I heard about that also help you lose weight. Are we so gullible that we'll believe anything these days? Here's a good way to lose weight, STOP EATING SO MUCH. Take a little bit of excercise. There is no magic potion, pill, diet plan, special clothing, etc that will help you lose weight without changing your diet and exercising more but that seems to be too much work. It's situations like this where I can understand other countries getting the idea that we're all "lazy americans". That being said, I am totally ordering these, I have no problems with being called lazy, I am lazy. And I like to eat food. And I don't like to excercise.

PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN

I wrote this Harry Potter rant last week and it got deleted by accident because my computer is a fucking asshole and I was so pissed I couldn't rewrite it then but I have calmed down now and will put it up.

I saw on the news last week that Scholastic and JK Rowling are planning on suing the NY Times and other publications and websites for printing reviews and selling copies of the last HP book before it officially goes on sale and come ON, who fucking cares?!? Rowling states that printing a review before the book comes out shows a "complete disregard of the wishes of literally millions of readers". Seriously dude? Ok, some points here, first of all, most of her readers are kids and the last time I checked, kids don't read the NY Times, hell most of my adult friends don't read the fucking NYTimes. So I doubt any kids are getting all suicidal because of it (and for those adults who read HP books, get a fucking life, this a story about wizards, the main characters are 11 fucking years old and they're smarter than you, don't you feel a little foolish reading this book?? I imagine you are fat and lonely and reside with several cats and most likely do not read the NY Times any more than the 8 year old who lives next to you and is 200 pages further into the book than you).

Secondly, why does it seem that every fucking time a new book comes out this same old shit happens?? Haven't they learned their lesson from the last 3 or 4 times this happened? The bottom line is if you are going to ship something out early but then hype up all the secrecy, people are going to fucking take advantage and start selling it and giving away plotlines. As HUMAN BEINGS we like ruining things for other people! It's our nature! I don't need a fucking degree in biology or rocket scientology to know this, all I need to know is that this whenever you try to keep something a secret, it gets out even faster than if you had published it on YouTube. Try to remember this the next time you have some shitty book launch so that the news that is broadcast all day actually consists of news and not this whiny bullshit from someone in the UK who is making millions of dollars off of Americans.

I know I had a 3rd and possibly 4th point, but I'm so irate, I have forgotten them. I'll update later if I can remember.

WE JUST CAN'T "LOVE" OUR PETS

I was reading UsWeekly on the train today and there was this lame article about Paula Abdul and her new boyfriend and there was a line in there about how her dogs have accepted him, inferring that if her dogs like him, he's a decent guy and Paula should drug and marry him ASAP (and televise it, of course). I know that I've seen this before about other people and I'd like to just clarify this way of thinking. I have a dog, so I think I am speaking from a pretty good place when I say that yes, using your dog can be a test in dating, however, it's not to see if the dog will get along with the man, it's to see how the man gets along with your dog! I don't buy into this whole "dogs are prescient" bullshit, I know tons of dogs that if a psycho came into your house and brought it a steak, it'd lick his hand and go to town on the steak. I have to yet to see a dog ignore a steak or even a squeaky toy to attack someone robbing you, let alone start barking out messages that the guy you're currently sleeping with is a "bad guy". Can we just let dogs be dogs instead of using them as another lame and pathetic dating ritual?

THERE ARE NO WINNERS, ONLY LOSERS

No winners in last weeks contest, lets see if there are any this week.

YOU HAVE DERAILED!

This post is gonna sound weird and contradictory to my post earlier about the contest I am having on this blog, but what is the deal with commentators that comment every day on every single post like its their job??? There is a certain blog that I read almost every day and I find that the same commentators over and over again, post multiple comments on every posting, every day and they have comment wars with other commentators and the thing is, the blog updates and posts like 50 times a day!!! And now today (the last straw) a commentator bids all the other commentators adieu by writing a 3 paragraph comment!! WTF?! Who cares? All day, these people are reading and commenting and fighting amongst themselves to be the most snarky and it's kind of sad and pathetic. Ironically, if this was happening here, it would actually be cool and I would reward these commentators with fabulous prizes. But it's not, so I'm bitter and angry and I hate them and they don't deserve to have all this traffic and wait... I'm not sure if I'm angry with the commentators or the blog itself now. This rant has gone nowhere.

ECTOPLASMIC RESIDUE.

I'm so annoyed right now by the press coverage of this "steam pipe bursting" activity in NYC, mainly because even though none of the "victims" has said it or even thought it at first, the media keeps bringing up "terrorism" and planting that in everyones heads. Of course we have the few people who were like "it was so surreal, it was like 9/11" but those people are idiots and the fact that they don't get hit by buses every day is a testament to the idea that God protects the simpleminded. But for the media to continue to press this issue, even to state "it is NOT an act of terrorism" is just fucking foolish. Not every fucking thing is terrorism. Not every blackout, burst pipe, car accident, drunken brawl, airplane delay is a fucking act of terrorism. Let's have some common fucking sense here people, don't be a fucking moron.

Oh and if I hear "spewing" on more time, someone at Fox5 is gonna pay. Dearly.

DID WE WIN?? NO, BUT I GOT MY APPLE TART BROUGHT OUT TO ME.

I've noticed through SiteMeter that I have like 3 readers and I'm pretty positive that all 3 of those readers are me. So in a sad, desperate, vain attempt to gain some audience on this blog, starting today, I am hosting a contest every day, YAY! Some* of you may have noticed that the titles of my blog postings (including this posting) have been lines from movies or tv shows. So going forward I am hosting a contest where if you guess the right movie, book, tv show or song on a posting you will win a fabulous** prize!!

Now the rules:

1. You must enter the name of the movie, book, tv show or song that you think the title comes from in the comments section*** in addition to your email address so I can find you to deliver said fabulous prize.

2. The first person with the correct answer will win the aforementioned fabulous prize.

3. You can enter for each posting, if there are 5 postings and you win all 5 then you get 5 FABULOUS prizes!

4. No fat chicks. Just kidding. Kind of.

So have fun, enjoy the rants and most importantly, tell your friends to read Rantasticdaily.blogspot.com every day for their chance to win a fabulous prize! Note, since I have no readers, let alone sponsors willing to send me swag, the fabulous prize will consist of a item that I manage to steal, shoplift, pickpocket, swipe****, etc. I will post the answers along with the winners names the following day and maybe a monthly Hall of Winners post or something, I'm not sure, it depends on how much work that is.

*Some, meaning just me

**fabulous prize not guaranteed to be fabulous

***yes, the comments section, comments are love

****Rantasticdaily.blogspot.com is in no way responsible for any legal ramifications stemming from the acceptance of a fabulous prize. But seriously, ,it's not like you're getting an iPhone or something, that shit I keep for myself. You'll get whatever I can I fit in my pocket.

BOOBS, FOOTBALL, DOG

Here's Tara Reid stuffing her bra. In her defense, these will look more natural than what she's currently passing off as breasts.

GIMME, GIMME, GIMME

I'm kind of annoyed because the person who has the "Rantastic.com" URL in Blogger has only blogged 5 times and not since 2002. Also they are on the first page of results when I do a search on Google or Ask.com, and my blog is like on the 3rd page of google and not even a result on Ask! I really want that url, shouldn't there be some kind of law or statute that states if you you don't use it, you lose it? I wonder if I can email that person to get them to give it up. They'll probably want some fucking money or something. Asshole.

"WE COULD LIVE OFFA THE FATTA THE LAN'"

Enjoy this recipe:

1 cup carrots, diced
1 cup celery, diced
1 cup potatoes, diced
1 small shallot, diced
2 tablespoons Mrs. Dash
3 tablespoons olive oil
1 big ass, gigantic, filthy, dirty, dead rat that you found on the street next to your office

ARE THOSE BALLS? THE LAST TIME THEY WERE BALLS.

ESQUIRE SUCKS

Unbelievable. I was trying to enter a contest on Esquire to win a trip to Vegas and as it turns out, what I was signing up for was a fucking subscription to this magazine (it was very misleading, I'm sure this is illegal)!!! When I saw the page for "Payment" I realized what was up so I exited out of it but they still got me because I just got an email confirming my subscription. Assholes. And another thing, it says that you have to wait a week to cancel to "ensure you are entered into our system" which just really means "wait a week and forget you were scammed into subscribing and by the time you get the first issue and bill, you'll realize that it's impossible to cancel ANY magazine subscription! SUCKER".

HELLS RETARDS

Ok, I caught up on the last two episodes of Hells Kitchen last night and I have to say thank god Ramsey got rid of Melissa. If I had to watch that frizzy hair and listen to that horrible, whiney, demanding, obnoxious voice of hers, I'd kill myself. Anyway, I'm pretty disappointed by this season, no one is a real star in this group, I really feel like they were going to for ratings rather than an actual hunt for an amazing chef.

I don't mean any offense but does Ramsey honestly believe that Julia is going to be running his kitchen? I think she's really great but she has absolutely no background in fine dining, all her ideas are comfort food related (fish and chips, grilled steak) and all her skills are waffle house related (cooking eggs, sauteeing scallops, doing prep work). She complains that no one wants to listen to her ideas but I'm still waiting to hear one! Actually that's not true, her idea to put steak and shrimp on the red teams' menu was a good idea, if not actually inspired. When diners are faced with a whole lot of fancy shit, sometimes they're gonna go for a steak. Not every diner is sophisticated enough to want to eat donkeys brains and pig entrails. They just want a steak. And since the other team didn't have a steak, it's sure to be a good bet.

Rock is just a lazy asshole. He acts all pissed off when other people try to take the reins, but I have yet to see HIM try to take the reins. He just gets all pissed off and then blames them for everything that goes wrong. I think he gets kicked off in the next episode, they showed him crying like a bitch saying "I let down my family". Ugh, go already.

My prediction to win is Jen. She actually has fine dining experience and she seems able to handle herself and a kitchen and she doesn't have the insecurities of a Bonnie ("are you mad at me?") and as for Josh, I don't even know why he's still there, unless it's so Ramsey has a whipping boy for a few weeks.

I know this is from last season, but I love when he tells her to get her breasts off the hot plate!

ALL TOGETHER NOW, AWWWWWW

This dog was born in Japan, with a heart shaped patch on his fur. Yeah right, this is natural. The Japanese would make a dog shaped like a hello kitty backpack (trust me, they have the technology) if they felt it was cute enough. I'm not knocking it, I'm just saying I wouldn't be surprised if you start seeing more than one of these. Anyway, its still too cute for words and on this note I will leave you.

THE ALIENS HAVE LANDED...3 MONTHS AGO

What is all this shit about the Beckhams landing in the USA over the weekend? Correct me if I'm wrong but haven't they already been living here the past few months? Has Posh Spice not already filmed a shitty reality show that shows her buying a house and talking to neighbors and sucking up to Tom and Katie, that will air TONIGHT on NBC? Don't tell me that she can manage her time that well!

NO RERUN, NO ROGER NO RENT

I'm really annoyed right now because I lost my security card that gets me into my office and they are going to charge me $10 for a new one even though I have another one that is deactived. I think they're they're trying to teach me a lesson or some shit, but it's retarded. It's not like I go around losing my card willy-nilly and make them make me new ones every week. I think I might just go on a protest and work from home until they give me a new card for free.

IS SHE A ROBOT??

Do you ever listen to Hilary Clinton's speeches? What is the deal with those? I can't describe the assault on my eardrums, it's like an old timey politician or like she's just gonna break out "NO. NEW. TAXES.". The way she enunciates each word, I guess that might be considered proper english, but when she starts getting louder when she's making a point, the rising volume, it's like she's yelling at me (or the listener) to pay attention. I don't know, I was going to post a video of her making a speech to illustrate my point, but I just can't. Maybe you can listen to one and describe it better.

HIDEY HO!

You know when you're at work and you HAVE to poop but there is someone in there and you're sitting on the bowl being polite, just waiting for them to leave and not making any noise but they know you are there and they are taking their sweet time and washing their hands and doing their makeup and looking at their ass in the mirror and shit and its like "GET THE FUCK OUT!!". What are they waiting for? I don't want to go because then you'll tell everyone you heard me (we're like 5 years old here) and what if it stinks (yes mine stinks....LIKE ROSES!). I mean they have to know that you're waiting for them to leave because its silent, but you're sitting there and maybe you cough to let them know "hey, i'm waiting to shit, can you get the fuck out?" and they still don't leave. They're torturing you. Plain and simple. I hate those people.

IF MISS NEW JERSEY DID IT....

Am I the only person that feels like Miss New Jersey was asking for it with those “stolen” pictures?? How come no one has said “hey dumb-dumb, you post pictures (or anything else) on the internet, it’s OUT THERE! Just because you set a page to private doesn’t mean people can’t see them. Um hello, the people with a password can still see them! And please, like its too hard to hack into anything these days, look at how many times people are hacking into Paris’ phone or Lindsay Lohan’s MySpace, this shit happens.

I feel like this is all a publicity attempt though, first of all, her platform is Internet Safety for kids. Now as someone who chooses this platform wouldn’t a modicum of internet savviness be a prerequisite??? Like, um, knowing that anyone can find out anything about you on the FUCKING INTERNET SO STOP MAKING IT EASIER BY POSTING STUPID NON-SEXY PICTURES???

And now she’s all embarrassed and shit and she goes on the Today Show and not surprisingly she’s kind of a moron (she is from Jersey). How does she go on TV and show a picture of her boyfriend biting her breast and her caption is “but he’s really intelligent”. WTF does that mean? I think we can rest easy that she’s not hatching a more complicated scheme to get attention. I think we’ve hit maximum brain power here.

And finally, the *ransom* demand. No one knows who is behind this which is odd because I can’t imagine a rocket scientist was behind this lame attempt at bribery (she has to give up her crown or else they go public?!) and if they do find out who did this I bet it’ll be because the person behind it was laughing their ass off in a bar and spills the beans. But seriously, something tells me this is going to be as fruitful a search as OJ’s search for Nicole and Ron’s killer.

In conclusion, just like OJ, SHE DID IT.

ps, is anyone else also bothered by how self serving her *message* has been lately? Oh poor me, don't be like me, I'm a victim. UGH, just die already.

iPHONE CRAP

Don't you want to hurt this butt pirate??

A KETCHUP POPSICLE?!

Ugh, why am I seeing things like “Paris served more time than Scooter Libby will” and “Nicole Ritchie could serve 5 days in jail, why was Paris’ sentence longer” and its like “enough already!”. Doesn’t this lazy, entitled, useless, no-selling waste of space take up enough of our thoughts and time?! Now we’re going to fucking idolize her as the Nelson Mandela of our time? Like she’s the fucking Gandhi (not fucking Gandhi, but like fucking Gandhi, oh forget it!) of our generation?! Give me a fucking break, send this bitch back to her shitty “mansion” in Hollywood and leave us alone. I can’t take her fucking busted up wonky face, or her baby doll voice or her stupid "thoughts from jail" any longer. Consider this your warning Paris, if I see you, I will get you and make you pay for being you.

UPDATE: Ok this is ridiculous, I just noticed on my Hotmail inbox, where it shows you how much space you are using it says "Supersize your Inbox - Thats Hot!". this is just too much, now companies are actually using her phrases from 3 years ago to market email inboxes?! What kind of world is this?! I'm so shooting something right now.

HOW MANY ABODIGINALS DO YOU SEE MODELING?

I was out the other night doing some light socializing (10 vodka & soda’s/1 tequila shot/2 PBR’s) and one of the people in the group I was with was this Australian guy and I gotta say, pretty disappointing. Not once did he say “g’day mate” or a "let's put another shrimp on the barbi!" (even though we baited him by talking about Aussie restaurants and eating alligator) or order a Foster’s or even show us his machete which we all know from the movies he carries in his boot! WTF? If you can’t live up to the stereotyping of your nation and culture then how am I supposed to know how to insult you correctly?! I didn’t know if I should give him shit for Tony Blair being such a pussy or ask him why his people keep raping and pillaging the Aborigines! (We settled on the Aborigines but apparently we were actually talking about the Maori’s so I still insulted someone. New Zealand maybe?) Anyway don’t expect me to learn pesky things like “facts” about your country, like most patriotic citizens; I prefer to get my knowledge from things like TV commercials and maps that double as placemats at IHOP.

America, FUCK YEAH!

THE OPPOSITE OF SEXY

Rachel Ray is so annoying, I hate those Dunkin Donuts commercials, who says things like "delish!" and "fantabulous!"???? No one, that's who!

TOP TEN: WOMEN SHAPED LIKE LINEBACKERS

In the continuing series of Top Tens:



Top 10 Women Shaped Like Linebackers

1. Jessica Biel - I think we all know how I feel about this one
2. Mariah Carey - 10 pounds of sausage in a 5 pound sack
3. Janet Reno - I can't tell the difference between her and when Will Ferrell plays her
4. Hillary Clinton - CANCKLES
5. Fergie - ugh she's just gross
6. Serena & Venus Williams - great tennis players but they could easily take on Tiki & Ronde Barber and win
7. Samantha Ronson - she's just fucking ugly, maybe she's not a linebacker, but she could totally be that guy that just kicks the ball for the 7th point
8. Kimora Lee Simmons - christ, you see the neck rolls on this beast?!
9. Kim Kardashian - that ass is so ridiculous, you could park a bike in it.

As always feel free to leave your nominees in the comments section.

BOOB TUBE

I turned on the tv to listen to something while I do some work and the only show that is not a reality show is some crap on the CW and when I say "crap" I mean "shit". One of the characters is played by Sharon Lawrence who was great on NYPD Blue but her character on this show is joke! She's this aging single mom with a teenage son and from the looks of it, a teenage boyfriend who is WAY too goodlooking for her, and she's a total fucking tramp! She has loud sex with him with her son in the next room, a totally ridiculous Texan accent mixed with some breathy babydoll-ness and the lines! I can't even get into them just suffice it to say I burst out laughing at several unintentionally hilarious dialogue. I can't believe shows like this get made.

SWEET FANCY MOSES

Why can't these celebrities dance? Paris and Nicki Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan, and now, Bai Ling. In my day people knew how to dance and if they didn't, they stayed against the wall or they just didn't go out. Nowadays, these girls just lick a stripper pole and imitate an epileptic seizure and they call that dancing?! THAT'S DANCING?! And correct me if I'm wrong, but these girls don't actually do much of anything right? Sure they're in a stinker of a movie every now and then, but they spend most of their time half naked and drunk at clubs laughing at everyone else, don't they? You'd think they'd pick up some rhythm just by osmosis, right? Or at the very least they'd realize that they were terrible dancers and stop assaulting our eyes with these "moves". How are their friends not laughing their asses off when they see this? How is the person holding this camera not rolling around the floor in hysterics? Elaine with the "Little Kicks" is better at dancing than these fools.

HELL'S LAME-O KITCHEN

Is it me or are the people in Hell's Kitchen even more inept than usual?? You know you are going to be on the show, start fucking preparing for it! I mean Hell's Kitchen is the same food every season, risotto, beef wellington, spaghetti. If it was me, I'd spend as much time as possible perfecting these dishes so that Chef Ramsey isn't screaming expletives in my face on a constant basis! And Aaron. I'm sorry but that goofy fat boy had no reason to be on that show, I have no idea what their screening process is, but someone had to have noticed that he's not up for the challenge, that there was no way he'd be running a kitchen by himself, in the 3 episodes that he was in, I don't think I saw him do any work, let alone lead! Whenever he got work, he would start sweating and then pass out.

What about all the wasted food?? I mean every episode they are throwing out thousands of dollars of food and most times the people on the show are even being fed! This season is the first time that the restuarant has been closed without people being fed* and it's happened TWICE. They shut down the kitchen on the first episode and the third episode people just started walking out! How can this be? Don't these people already having kitchen experience? Don't most of them run a kitchen? I'd be fucking embarrassed if I was on this show. I've worked in kitchens before, and we wouldn't even think to shut down, the worst night we had, we'd stay as late as we had to to get out every dinner. Half your kitchen didn't show up? Tough. No meat delivery? Go to the store and get it. Run out of your entire appetizer section? Make something up. We never shut down, NEVER.

I think they need to to do a better job of getting people on the show, I know there are better chefs out there, I'm sick of the stupid rivalries, I want to see some fucking cooking! I don't want to see your ass crying all day because you can't fucking assemble a caeser salad and you got yelled at. That's fucking kid shit, I want to see you butchering a cow or making cheese from scratch. I want super reality Hell's Kitchen. And for all you people saying "oh he's so meeeeeean", grow up. I once had a chef throw a butcher knife at me. Let's see Ramsey top that.

*To my knowledge, I took a very informal poll of people who watched earlier seasons and no on can remember this happening.

I LOVE A FREEBIE!

FRESHDIRECT, WHY DO YOU TEASE ME SO???

You know it seems like every time I order from FreshDirect they are out of one thing on my list. And the thing is, what they are out of isn't even that big of a deal - but once I find that I can't have it - it becomes the most urgent and important dietary requirement I can think of. Once it was Abbeye de Belloc cheese, I can get that at Stinky up the block from me! And it's CHEAPER!! Another time it was organic avocados. I was so obsessed with having those fucking avocados that I actually went out and bought avocados. What happened to them you ask? I just threw them away this weekend, 4 weeks after I bought them, so rotten that the skin was barely keeping it all together. Today they are out of the blueberry scones I ordered. I DON'T EVEN EAT SCONES!!!!! They're too dry unless you put butter on them and then it needs like a pound of butter and that's too much butter to be eating all at once and I only ordered them because a friend of mine wouldn't shut up about how amazing they were and how she had a "sleepover" with a "friend" and she popped them in the oven the next morning and they were so good and her "friend" was so complimentary of them. So basically I bought them hoping to lure a man back to my place when everyone knows I'm just going to end up throwing them out in two years. I can just see it "hey, do you like butter or jam?" "Why, you ask?" "Because I want to know how you take your scone in the morning." I'm pathetic.

BEWARE: GUARD TURTLE

This turtle is hot shit, I want to hire it as my bodyguard!

PLASTIC SURGERY NIGHTMARE

If I see one more fucking picture of Heidi Montag frolicking on the beach in a bikini, I am going to start paying a visit to all these gossip sites headquarters with my friend, Remington 12 gauge. Her, and that fug ass boyfriend and those cheap ass implants and the rest of her stupid plastic surgeries. How much self loathing does a person have to have to get a nose job, chin job, boob job (and god knows what else) in one sitting?! She might as well kill herself because she's never going to be pretty enough. Also, for someone who seems to spend days on end at the beach, how is she so pasty?? And now because I can't bring myself to post a picture of her nasty ass (which would actually negate the power of this rant) please enjoy this video of a monkey giving head. Smooches!

HA - HA

YOU'RE THE GREATEST!

You know, everyone gives Bush a hard time about the Iraq war (we won that*, right?) but let’s give credit where it’s due, he’s responsible for so much more trouble than just the war. Like for instance, apparently people think that because the village idiot can be elected to run a nation, why not them? The sky’s the limit for some of these buffoons. No janitor positions for them, no driving a cab! Just because you've heard of the Declaration of Independence, have some money and belong to a protected minority doesn’t make you presidential material (does it?). Here’s a halfhearted recap of some of the rocket scientists that want to run our country. I can’t wait to see the brain trust that comes out of this.

Hillary Clinton – wants to be the first “Menstruating American” running the White House. Who are we kidding, more like the first “Menopausal American”. Peace treaty summit talks will break down completely when Hilly gets a hot flash and starts rubbing up against Kim Yong-Il. And Bill, I love you Bill, but come on, are we really to believe that you’ll be relegated to picking out china patterns and curtain samples and setting up dinners for 200?? What a come down, I feel for you Bubba, you better start lining up some tail so you don’t feel completely emasculated when you see your wife sitting in the chair you used to occupy. I mean seriously, do they think this will work?? It’s like when the husband makes less money than the wife. You try to be big about it but fuck - that smarts! I think this is how serial killers start out.

Barack Obama – I think it’s great that he wants to be the first black president, but here’s a tip for him. Lots of votes come from Middle America - which happens to also be where lots of racists live, now I’m not sure if they’d vote for a white woman over a black man because they’re also sexist, but here’s a surefire way to say “hey, I’m a dude, just like you!”. Get photographed making sexy time with an Asian woman. If you a pick a white woman they’ll lynch you, if you pick a black woman, they’ll just confuse her with your wife. Trust me; nothing is more presidential than sleeping with cheap Asian hookers. Unless Paris Hilton is around (and then the white thing is moot), I think she could be the next Marilyn. Do you have a brother who likes to share women and a boat??

Rudy Giuliani – Um, apparently if your only political experience is being mayor and also doing things like marrying your FIRST cousin are no longer deterrents on the road to the White House! God Bless America! What makes this all the more ridiculous is that he is currently the GOP front runner! Are you fucking kidding me, what happened to good Republican morals and repression and hatred of all things 21st century? Marrying 3 times, having a wife who was married 2x, living with gay men, being pro-choice, are we sure this elephant isn’t an ass?

John McCain – Didn’t this clown die in a war? I know most of America is stupid but I really can’t see them electing a corpse to be president, senator I can see, but President HA - that’s more a premise for the next “Weekend at Bernie’s”. Oh that’s a good idea; I’m going to sell that.

Mitt Romney – Let’s give it up for Mormons! Besides the polygamy practiced in this “religion” does anyone know anything else about Mormonism? I know more about Scientology and that’s just from reading gossip, I mean for all we know they could endorse bestiality and line dancing! And just because Big Love has a few viewers it does not mean America wants you in the White House, marrying your wife’s sisters and having 50 inbred brats sacrificing chickens. Although I bet the parties would be pretty cool.

John Edwards – how much you want to bet he’s hoping his wife dies of cancer before the elections so he can count on the sympathy votes (and my marriage proposal - hubba hubba!)? Huh? How MUCH????

I know there are a lot more of these idiots, Russ Feingold (I went to kindergarten with a kid named Russ who ALWAYS yanked my hair really hard (thanks for the fucking pigtails, MOM!) and whenever I would complain to the teacher she would just say “oh he just likes you “ (yeah, enough to fucking assault me on a daily basis, bitch, I should have sued you, you dumb cow) and then one day I had had enough and I hauled back and punched him in the face as hard as I could and of course I get into trouble and my mother has to drive me down to school to see the teacher about putting me into the afternoon classes and as we are driving to the school I’m leaning against the car door and I FALL OUT and my mother KEEPS GOING until the end of the block when she realizes that the door is wide open and I’m laying on the street…) and that’s why I hate you Russ, Bill Richardson, Joe Biden, Tommy Thompson, Chris Dodd, but these guys have no chance of making it, so why even bother making fun of them? They’re like Prince Harry, sure, they COULD be King, but you’d have to smite your father and brother to get there first and I don’t think these guys have the nuts to hurt anyone, let alone kill them. Besides, Hillary is built like a brick shithouse, I’ve never seen stouter ankles on a “woman”.

Frankly, I’m going to vote for Fred Thompson, even if he ends up not being on the ballot I’m going to write his name in, I love Law & Order, he looks presidential (just look at that picture, stern yet patriotic) and he seems like a stand up guy on TV and if you can’t trust what you see on TV, THEN THE TERRORISTS WIN**. Even though we already won*.

**As I was putting the finishing touches on this post someone sent me a picture that someone they know, drew, and it had the “then the terrorists win” line which means this is now as annoying a phrase as “don’t you know you there’s a war going on?” (to which I say no, since we already won*) and I was going to take it out of my post but then I figured fuck it, he didn't invent the phrase but now its annoying me so when I use it, it will simply be to irritate myself. That’s right, irritate, like a hot rash. Or pepper in your nose. Or allergies. That's it, irritate me baby, right there, that’s the spot, ooooooohhhhh yeah, if this is wrong, I don't want to be right....

DUBYA WAS LOOTED!!

OMG, I just read that GW Bush had been pickpocketed in Albania, someone stole his watch while he was gladhanding! Why do I find this hilarious? It's up there with him choking on a pretzel and hitting his head, or falling off his bike and segway (see above).

See the link for pickpocket pictures.

WHAT HAPPENED?!

I'm flipping through the channels and since the battle I've been waging with Time Warner is still ongoing, its a grand total of 4 of them, not including several Spanish channels which I watch even though my Spanish is limited to ordering cervezas, tacos and the occasional margarita. Anyhoo, I landed on NCIS and what the hell is going on with Lauren Holly these days? She looks like a recovering cancer patient*. Her lips are so thin and her skin is so papery looking, I think its going to start tearing and that hair!! Who the hell is her hairdresser, Britney Spears?! It looks like someone hacked at it with switchblade! (btw, that picture is kind of old, the hair is much shorter now.) Wasn't she hot once??

*I'm going to feel really bad about this post if she actually is recovering from cancer, kind of like Rosie O'donell did after she ranked on Anna Nicole and then she turned up dead that day.

TOP 10: LIES

I'm starting a new series that will be published erratically, and not always consist of 10 items. The first in this series is:

Top Ten Lies

1 - What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. - um yeah, this doesn't work so well when your friends have big mouths and you have a marriage license that comes back to haunt you!
2 - I'll call you. - do we even have to list this one?
3 - It tastes like chicken! - please, if it tasted like chicken it would be called chicken. Something called "beaver ass" is NOT going to taste like chicken!
4 - Don't worry, they'll love you! - nope, they won't,what they will be doing though is judging you and talking about you behind your back.
5 - It's easy, if I can do it, anyone can! - no, its never that easy, because if we all could do it, then wouldn't we already be doing it?!
6 - Some assembly required. - yeah if "some" means 3 weeks of you frantically trying to match up that pile of sticks on the floor to the picture on the box and then crying into an empty bottle of Jack Daniels that you're useless and then putting an ad on Craiglist that says "Free Sticks, you must pick them up, look for the house with the sticks being thrown out the window."
7 - Your newborn baby is so cute! - ugh, newborns are not cute, they all look like wrinkled, red, old men, regardless of the sex. And the ones that are born with a full head of hair are even scarier!
8 - I read the Wall Street Journal every morning. - ok, even if this is not a lie, it's so douchey that you don't want to believe people you know actually say things like this.
9 - I never look at porn. - Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, you have a computer but you've never "accidentally" let your mouse click on any porn sites. I may have been born at night, but it wasn't last night!

That's all I have for now, but feel free to leave your top lies in the comments section so I can snigger over how stupid they are!

TEXT MESSAGE LUNACY (Con't from previous post)

Going through my text messages as per my earlier posting, I came across these ones. Some background: I was dating this guy for a few months and we broke up about a little over a month ago over text message (its ok to break up like this if you're an asshole like me, I looked it up).

Me on Weds: hey, what are you doing this weekend, do you want to get together?

Him on Weds: not sure, might go to LI to see the fam.

Me on Weds: ok, I’m going to make plans then, have fun!

Him on Fri: hey, did you make plans for the weekend yet?

Me on Fri: I have plans for tonight and tentative plans for tomorrow. Why. What’s up?

Him on Fri: I thought we could hang out, I’m not going to LI.

Me on Fri: Well let’s hang out tomorrow then, I’ll cancel my other plans.

Me on Sat: hey it’s so nice out, do you want to go to this Chinese festival downtown?

Him on Sat: I’m buying a treadmill.

Me on Sat: um ok, so what are we doing tonight?

Him: I think I’m just going to lay low.

(Me, totally fucking fuming because WTF is this shit?!?!?! You make me cancel plans to DO NOTHING?!?! My annoyance level is at RED.)

Me: Why don’t you lay low for good? I don’t need your passive aggressive shit.

Him: Fuck you.

(ok motherfucker, you want to play that game?! Well Fuck YOU and fuck your MOTHER too!). I didn’t text that, when people respond like that, the immaturity of it wakes me up and makes me realize that “I’m so much better than you and this is why I’m dumping you”.

So three weeks go by and I get a text from him one night:

Him: Hey kiki, what’s up? Just wanted to say hi!

Me: *delete message*

Then another 2 weeks go by (and that brings us up to this past weekend) and I get:

Him: Hey kiki, how are things?

Me: (mild annoyance now, don’t you get it, I’m ignoring you?) Hey, I’m fine.

Him: Oh good, how’s work?

Me: Look, not to be presumptuous here, but if you think we are going to be friends, I just don’t see it happening. You were extremely rude to me, last we spoke.

Him: Well you’ve said things to me that have hurt my feelings in the past and I didn’t say anything.
WTF?? Is he kidding me?! What kind of man is this? How is it I attract these momma’s boys, these losers, these men that are children still?? This is a grown fucking 40 year old man texting me about his hurt feelings from months ago!! GET OVER IT, YOU FUCKING 'MO!!!

Oh and *delete message*.

THE "L" WORD

I think I may have found someone who might be more losery than me (yay!). I was deleting text messages in my phone the other day and I came across like 50 in a row of them from my friend who is moving from CA to NY. Here’s a random sampling, you be the judge (well I’ll judge her too; being judgmental is my “thing”):

“Stupid bird won’t stop singing” – received at 5:35 AM, her time. On a SATURDAY!! Who is so alert on a Sat. morning at that time that a bird wakes them up?! And unless you need some advice on how to kick out that possible herpes infection you invited home last night, there is no reason you should be texting ME at that hour! I mean its 8:30 here; I’m still sleeping one off!

“Ugh, why is tomato on a BLT?” Um… seriously??

“What kinds of clothes do you guys wear there?” She means to the office, she has a new job in NY and she’s apparently lost her fucking mind in CA and cannot understand that people just. wear. clothes. to the office, JUST LIKE IN CALIFORNEEEEEEEE! So I respond that it’s pretty fucking hot and basically people wear anything that’s acceptable and she texts back the following:

“Like cotton pants? Can I wear those?” Are you kidding me? (You know once I asked someone if they were kidding me as a rhetorical question, mainly to underscore the idiocy of her request and not only did she respond but the response was “no, I’m not kidding”. Totally deadpan and like she was about to cry. I don’t ask that question out loud anymore, I’m afraid of getting another response.) I mean first off, WTF are ‘cotton pants'?! and secondly, how does a 34 year old woman who has always lived in urban areas and claims that Barneys is her “happy place” say the phrase “cotton pants”??? HOOOOOOOOOW, Dear God?!

GAY!!!!!!!!!

Are you kidding me?? There is actually a reality show called Pirate Master. This is the most ridiculous thing I have seen so far tonight. Why didn't I have this idea?! I'm stupid, STUPID!!

THANK YOU FOR BEING RUDE!

I was out with some friends the other night, having drinks, laughing it up, hitting on gay men, all the normal things that women do these days. I go outside for a smoke and I come back and the girlfriend of one of my friends goes rooting through my bag which I am holding on my lap (because someone is sitting on the seat next to me where I normally place my bag, selfish slag, can’t you see this bag costs more than your life and deserves to be sitting on its own seat more than you and that cheap Strawberry tube dress do!) and when I’m like “um, can I help you?”, she’s all like “oh I just want to make sure its here” and I’m like “make sure what is here?” and she pulls out $30 and says “Ernest* put money in your purse while you were away and I wanted to make sure you didn’t lose it.”

Oh so let me get this straight. Ernest is stuffing money in my purse when I am away and can’t see it but you feel it’s your job to let me know in no uncertain terms that it’s there and we should all acknowledge his generosity?? Well thank you Miss Fucking No Manners, nothing makes me more warm and fuzzy inside than knowing that you are selfish bitch who can’t even let her boyfriend do a good deed, even if its not that good of a deed considering a) I paid for almost his entire going away dinner and party because his family and friends were too cheap to pony up some dough, b) I just paid for all your food that you gluttons just ordered and that last round of drinks and I don’t even know you, and c) I’m always lending him money for cabs and shit at the end of the night when he’s done buying drinks for women who are not greedy euro-trash skanks (ie not you).

Thanks PiggyBack Money-Whore, but next time, if you’re going to draw attention to the fact that there is money in my purse either let it be your own money or let it be more than $30, seriously. My dog shits out more than that. Come ON!

*not his real name, and yes, I hate my friends enough to give them the worst names I can think of.

WAS IT BECAUSE I SHIT ON YOUR DESK??

I was out the other the night with some ex co-workers and found out that someone is throwing me a good-bye party from work! Now this is a nice gesture, I have to say, I'm really pleased, but unless I got fired and wasn't told about it, I'm not leaving my job. Oh and how is it I wasn't even invited?? It's like waking up and reading my obituary!

I THINK I'LL GIVE THIS SHOW ANOTHER CHANCE

I WISH I MAY, I WISH I MIGHT

The company I work for just relocated a few months ago to an "up and coming" area, which for now means construction on every fucking block. Streets are blocked off, orange traffic cones everywhere, cement being hosed off the streets, its a fucking mess.

Anyway, for like the first month of commuting there, all these sweaty, muscular construction men are toiling away and NOT ONE CATCALL!! I mean what kinds of men are these, too busy working to shout something degrading and filthy at me?! So I was bitching about this lack of interest a few weeks ago and seriously, be careful what you wish for. Since I had my bitch-fest, I've run into the same construction worker that was part of the crew that was working on the building across the street from me and would like stalk me at like 5:30 am when I would go for my run, I've had men shout "me so horny, me love you long time" (I'm asian, so obviously that's how I would speak in moments of sexual intimacy), and I've had the runtiest guy on a crew follow me 3 blocks down 10th Ave. holding out his phone asking me to put my number in it.

This is not what I wanted. I'm going to clarify my wish now. God, are you there? It's me. I want the hot, beefy, hunky, porn star like construction workers to ogle me. Some whistling would be perfect. I don't need words, I don't need them to follow me around, I don't need a gang of men making disgusting noises and gestures. I just need one stereotypically gorgeous Stanley Kowalski-esque, dripping in sexuality, type construction worker, to whistle at me, do a double take, bang a hammer onto his thumb because he was so distracted by my beauty, you know something obvious but not lewd. Once a week is fine, I'm not one of those needy women who need constant validation that they "still got it". (Those women are LAME! hahaha) Is this too much to ask??

JUST KILL ME ALREADY!

I have this friend who is moving back to NY from the west coast and she is just so fucking negative and whiny about everything! EVERYTHING is a problem with her and her complaints range from:

"Do you think my boss will be mad at me when I give my notice?" to "my landlord is doing an open house on my apartment WHILE I AM STILL IN IT!" to "what if someone gives me a bad reference and they rescind their job offer?" to "I can't live on the Upper East Side because my sister lives there" to "Why does so and so have to talk so loudly on the phone?"

Ok, that last one annoys me too, I hate phone convo sharers, but you get the idea.

When I try to calm her down or be the voice of reason or just change the subject, she gets all huffy and shirty like "well I've done this and this and this has never happened..." and its like yeah but you did all that like 5 years ago!! THINGS FUCKING CHANGE! I've tried to be understanding and patient with her, I've tried counseling her through her issues, I've tried "putting myself in her shoes" but I just can't do it anymore. I've never met anyone with more neuroses and issues and problems and fucking useless complaints, in my life!!

She's driving me insane and at this point I don't even want to see her when she finally gets to NY because I can't take this fucking useless drama. I just have no tolerance for this shit anymore. Is it ok to say "enough is enough"? Do I just let it go? The thing is, she's got like two more months of serious complaining to do as she still hasn't packed up her shit, still hasn't moved out of her apt, still hasn't found an apt in NYC yet; let alone moved into one, still hasn't told all her friends and co-workers, still hasn't booked a ticket to NY.... I don't think I have the strength for this, I mean I have own fucking issues to deal with and this is EXHAUSTING! Am I the only person with friends like this?!?!?!

MY EYES!!!

I was getting my eyebrows done yesterday and I noticed this new ad in the salon. In case you've intentionally blinded yourself or you just can't tear your eyes away from this Fabio-esque Adonis, it says "REAL MEN WAX" and then "CAUTION: Slippery When Waxed".

Dear God.

SEINFELD MOMENT

Last night I had a friend over for dinner and he brought a bottle of sake which we never drank. I was just cleaning up the place now and realized that he TOOK THE SAKE HOME WITH HIM!! Who does that?! So he gets this great 3 course home cooked meal (it was great too, he couldn't stop talking about how great it was), drinks a bottle of my wine and a bottle of my Prosecco AND gets a footbath (he has some foot allergy, don't ask) and he can't leave the sake, even if we didn't drink it, as a thank you??? Why are people so fucking un-mannered these days? I would NEVER do that. EVER. ASSHOLE.

YES, I WANT IT BLACK!!

When ordering coffee at my local place, the woman always asks me "milk or sugar" and I always say "none" and then she ALWAYS asks "you want it black?". WTF??? If I say no to milk then I want it black, isn't that obvious?! What's with all the goddamn questions?!

AMY SKANK-HOUSE

Amy Winehouse is fucking disgusting. She looks like a homeless person with a crystal meth addiction, infested with fleas, carrier of scurvy. Looking at this photo makes me shudder. I actually downloaded her album and liked some of the songs but I immediately stopped listening to them and deleted them off my ipod when I started seeing pictures of her hanging out the with skank trifecta of Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian and that fat Osbourne chick. UGH.

READER SUBMISSIONS

A faithful reader sent me this photo today, I had to post, I'm still laughing my ass off at it!

I'M SO EASY

I find that when I hear an English accent I just believe whatever it is that is being said. It just adds a bit of gravitas to everything.

I'm not normal.

SUMMER SHARE

So this past weekend I spent my first weekend at my share house in Fire Island. Here is a breakdown of all the fucking losers sharing my weekend.

The Owner - total stoner, ex-lawyer who in lucid moments likes to grill people like they are on the stand. In not so lucid moments likes to grill corn without cleaning it (husk, grass, all of it on still on!), shop at flea markets/garage sales/dumpsters, and smoke weed. He smokes so much skunk that when I first got into the house, I actually asked him if there was a skunk under the porch!!

The Manager - a still practicing lawyer, his latest client is High Pitched Eric (or whatever) from the Howard Stern Show, whom he saved from getting evicted (for not paying his rent, what a lowlife). Brags constantly about how the b-list from the HSS are spending Memorial Day at the house. Also has VERY long fingernails which just creep me the fuck out and wears the same red sweatsuit constantly!

Toothy McToothsom - a nautical attorney who when she speaks and smiles, bares ALL her fucking teeth! TM likes to speak really sloooowly and enunciate each word and takes about 40 minutes to get a fucking sentence out and she constantly is fluffing/adjusting/flipping/touching her frizzy hair. She also packed 6 bikinis and a beach towel for a weekend in mid MAY at a house that is located on the water. Needless to say she was cold and wore the same pants every day. She is UNTOLERABLE!

Chatty Cathy - CC is a nurse who speaks in medical terms when she gets intimidated by all the lawyers and and has an endless supply of inane anecdotes and aimless pointless stories. She is also the house groupie, she's there like ALL the time and she does things like the laundry and setting up wifi and buying groceries for the guys out of her own pocket. She is semi-tolerable.

Hilary Swank as a man - HSAAM is actually tolerable. She has a good sense of humor but huge veiny thighs and an extremely manly resemblance to HS. She told us several stories of how people are mean to her (saying she looks like Steve Tyler, asking her if she runs why she's so fat). She also knows how to put a drink away, I'm sure we'll be fast friends.

Sales Guy - SG has a really annoying habit of breathing and being alive. He constantly brags about working at Maxim and how cool the parties are and pretends to be too cool for school but you can tell he's terrified of being found out to be a loser. He is the person that told me about the house, so you might say he's a friend of mine, but I can't seem to stand him when he's "showing off" to everyone else.

No Shows - there were several because the weather was supposed to be bad, so I'll have to update this when I do meet them.

Overall, there are redeeming qualities; we're right on the beach, easy access to weed, my dog can come. I guess I should have to come to some of those meet and greets beforehand. :(

GOOD TIMES

You know what's a fun game?? When you see woman strolling with her baby(ies) in a carriage (the baby should be facing out) and they are totally oblivious, chatting on the phone or with their friends or getting lattes and causing scenes at restaurants, put a look of real concern on your face and in low tones say things like "is that baby dead? It looks purple, what's wrong with it?!" and give the mother a really dirty look, stand back and then watch the panic happen. It's great. If you're afraid of death you can say "is that kid retarded??". That works too.

GERM FACTORIES

Why do people still use phone booths and water fountains? These are probably the two most disgusting germ harbors around! The CDC should shutting these things down! I know you're not supposed to, but I always see people put their mouths on the little metal piece that the water comes out of. GROSS. And phone booths, I mean homeless people live in them!! I saw a man urinating in one. How fucking desperate do you have to be to use these things? Ugh, just nasty.

CALIFORNIA DREAMING

So I was in LA last week for work and here are some random observations:

1. Rick Dees' commercials for his radio show are retarded. It's basically the camera focused on women's asses as they dance. It sounds benign but it was on during every single commercial break and it drove me insane. INSAAAAAAAAAAANE!!!!!!!!

2. Bail bondsmen advertise. On TV.

3. Most of LA isn't all pretty people. You have celebrities and the rest are all bad boob jobs and they look like they were styled by Mariah Carey. As an LA friend said "take away the earthquakes and you're in New Jersey".

4. They have a department store called Mervyns. That's the ugliest name I've ever heard for a store. It reminds me of that Seinfeld where Elaine has to go to the board meeting on the water merger for Mr. Pitt and she is disgusted to find out the water is going to be called Moland Creek.

Once again, I have been reminded about how much I love NY. BTW, I did a google image search of "bad boob jobs" and this was the first picture to come up!

I AM GOING TO BE THIS DRUNK ON SATURDAY!

Cinco de Mayo!

CELEBRITY REALITY CHECK

I just had the best idea for a reality show. It'll be called "Celebrity Reality Check" and basically what happens is that when a celebrity gets really out of control or so completely fucking annoying, they get a "reality check". Now it can happen in all different ways, for example with Britney Spears, we'll get a really intimidating woman to force her to stay in and wear clothes and work out and be a mother to her kids and put out a decent album so we can all fall in love with her again and if she doesn't conform then the woman will tie her up and lock her in a closet. Or beat her with her bare fists, whatever she deems appropriate. Or all those anorexic weirdo girls, put them all in a house and force feed them for a month and if they rebel or throw up, they get beatings (we can get a celebrity to administer these if we need the ratings). And since these "reality checks" will last a season we'll have an extra special beatdown on each episode, like during intermission. We'll get someone like Paris Hilton and just beat her to death because I think that's what America wants. I think these intermission beatdowns will be highly coveted so we'll have a raffle or eBay it, to see who gets to be the one to administer them, we can give that money to charity so we look like humanitarians. I really think I have something here. And it can go forever because we have an endless supply of douchetards and emo freaks and losers. OMG, $$KA-CHING$$

CITRUS FRUITS: THEY'RE JUST LIKE ME!!

I was peeling a tangerine today and it kind of hit me, citrus fruits are the anti-socials of fruits. They hate the rest of the fruit so much that they cordon themselves off into their own little sections. They're not like apples, those big, happy, asshole-y, self centered fruits! They're citrus fruit, dammit! Anyway it kind of struck me, that fruit can sometimes be so sick of itself that it makes it own home within a home. I'll never look at a lemon the same way again.

OH MY LORD AND FUCK!

As I was looking for a "dog sniffing a butt" picture for the last post, I came across this. I am shocked beyond words.

GROSS!!

My dog just put her nose directly in another dog's sphincter!! Disgusting! I had to swab her down when we got back home.

SOMEONE NEEDS TO GET LAID (AND ITS NOT ME!)

Last night I met up with some peeps for drinks and this guy who had recently moved to the west coast was totally bragging on his Lexus SUV (even after *someone* so nicely pointed out that that was a soccer mom's car) and he stated "driving that car gives me orgasms!". Do I even need to describe what this guy looks like, or how many dates he has NOT had in the past few months??? Why do I hang out with such losers?!

MIXED MESSAGES

These commercials make me feel like I should be on drugs to understand them! I mean aliens stealing your girfriends, dogs that shun you, it just doesn't make sense! Yet I love them. I watch them on youtube when I haven't seen one in a while. I find the drawings cute and charming, I want to download the music. What is wrong with me??

OVERRATED

Am I the only person who think Jessica Biel is overrated??? I mean she's pretty, ok, I'll give her that, but nothing spectacular. So she's a white girl with a big ass, she's not the only one out there. What about those giant chiclet teeth? Or the fact that every scene she does in a movie now is in her underwear? Unless you're Will Ferrell, doing all your scenes in your underwear usually leads to soft core porn and Derek Jeter isn't returning your calls anymore once you've gone down on on some pudgy, hairy guy, no matter how much you claim it's "art".

Or her hair in this picture. Almost every picture of her she has this stupid part down the middle and the hair is just flying around, uncontrolled by clip or headband or scrunchie. Or that upper lip that looks like its going to split whenever she smiles. I just don't get it. So she works out like every 5 minutes, big deal. I don't know, I just don't get the appeal, these "fresh faced" girls are a dime a dozen, what makes this one so special?

ADMINISTRATIVE PROFESSIONALS DAY

This is the dumbest "holiday". First of all, if you can't appreciate your assistant/slave and need a day to remind you to, then you're an idiot and don't deserve to have one (what's next DOMESTIC SERVANTS DAY?? UGH I'm annoyed now!), secondly, why are we so fucking PC about it, calling it Administrative Professional's Day?? I mean why can't you just deal with the fact that this is for assistants and secretaries and that's what you are?? Here's your fucking flowers and free lunch, now say thank you and get back to finishing my expenses and picking up my laundry!! And lastly, don't get fucking insulted if I accidentally say "HAPPY ADMINISTRATIVE PROFESSIONAL'S DAY" to you. Always remember rule #1, I don't care about you enough to find out what you actually do. Play along and get an afternoon off, for god's sake. Don't be such a baby!

I'M A FATASS...

I don't get jeans sizes anymore (on a side rant, do they still call them jeans? I keep hearing "denim" are they just called denim now??), I am totally clueless. I am a size 2 at the Gap and Banana, but when I have to order by waist size, a 27 (which is a fucking size FOUR!!) are too tight and when I order a 28, they are too saggy and baggy. WTF?! Why is this so hard?! How do other women get jeans that fit them?! I need help, I can't keep wearing skirts and dresses every day, people will start to to think I can't find jeans/denim to fit in to (even though they'd be right).

SUMMER IDIOCY

I just got out of the shower before and you know when you don't notice a noise until it stops? Well I realized that one of my neighbors had been mowing their lawn. MOWING THEIR LAWN!! We get ONE nice day out here, and people have fucking lawns to mow already?? We had a nor'easter one week ago today and all of sudden your lawn has now grown enough to warrant a mowing?! Is this just a little to the left of wishful thinking?? Optimism gone too far? And I live in a neighborhood where a 1'x1' patch of dirt with dog shit around it constitutes a "lawn". You could cut that with a scissors, you don't need some gasoline powered, sit-on, John Deere for this shit!

YOU'RE SO FIRED!

I was at this work event the other night and it was me and this girl that works in my group and this other woman from HR, that I'm not friends with but I talk to her in social settings because it seems that neither one of us has any friends, talking at the bar. So I was bitching about this guy that I was seeing and I said something like "it's really weird because when we're together, everything is great but when we're apart he seems to forget that we're a couple" and before I could even finish the thought HR chimes in with "he just doesn't like you that much" and I was shocked that someone would say something so mean esp. not knowing the full situation but before I could stop reeling with hate emotions towards her, the girl that I work with helpfully added "he's just not that into you!". OMG, WTF?! The next day, I dumped said assface and I texted the girl I work with to tell her and she texts back "then he was not interested in a serious relationship". Who the fuck said I was looking for that with him? And how many times do I have to say "I know this, I just was keeping him around until someone better came along" before they stop giving me "advice". You know, I'm the first person to say "give it to me real" but I am not one of those girls that sits around lamenting men all fucking day, where you just finally have to tell them straight out so you can maintain your sanity. I make one remark and every bitch in the room has to get their two cents in! I'm still pissed about this, so if you're reading this Gin, you're fired! Although I can be placated with an alcoholic beverage. :)

SIDE RANT

I haven't posted in a while and I went to go log in, via my blog page and someone else's blog came up and I almost stopped breathing and went a little blind and started to freak out, thinking someone had hacked me and was updating my blog for me. Turns out, its been so long since I posted that I forgot my blog URL and someone else has "rantastic" in their URL. I don't feel so bad that someone is obviously coattailing on my "rantastic" theme because isn't imitation the sincerest form of flattery? Also they haven't updated since January and they are not as "ranty" as me.

GET A "WELLNESS" ROOM ALREADY!