YOU'RE THE GREATEST!

You know, everyone gives Bush a hard time about the Iraq war (we won that*, right?) but let’s give credit where it’s due, he’s responsible for so much more trouble than just the war. Like for instance, apparently people think that because the village idiot can be elected to run a nation, why not them? The sky’s the limit for some of these buffoons. No janitor positions for them, no driving a cab! Just because you've heard of the Declaration of Independence, have some money and belong to a protected minority doesn’t make you presidential material (does it?). Here’s a halfhearted recap of some of the rocket scientists that want to run our country. I can’t wait to see the brain trust that comes out of this.

Hillary Clinton – wants to be the first “Menstruating American” running the White House. Who are we kidding, more like the first “Menopausal American”. Peace treaty summit talks will break down completely when Hilly gets a hot flash and starts rubbing up against Kim Yong-Il. And Bill, I love you Bill, but come on, are we really to believe that you’ll be relegated to picking out china patterns and curtain samples and setting up dinners for 200?? What a come down, I feel for you Bubba, you better start lining up some tail so you don’t feel completely emasculated when you see your wife sitting in the chair you used to occupy. I mean seriously, do they think this will work?? It’s like when the husband makes less money than the wife. You try to be big about it but fuck - that smarts! I think this is how serial killers start out.

Barack Obama – I think it’s great that he wants to be the first black president, but here’s a tip for him. Lots of votes come from Middle America - which happens to also be where lots of racists live, now I’m not sure if they’d vote for a white woman over a black man because they’re also sexist, but here’s a surefire way to say “hey, I’m a dude, just like you!”. Get photographed making sexy time with an Asian woman. If you a pick a white woman they’ll lynch you, if you pick a black woman, they’ll just confuse her with your wife. Trust me; nothing is more presidential than sleeping with cheap Asian hookers. Unless Paris Hilton is around (and then the white thing is moot), I think she could be the next Marilyn. Do you have a brother who likes to share women and a boat??

Rudy Giuliani – Um, apparently if your only political experience is being mayor and also doing things like marrying your FIRST cousin are no longer deterrents on the road to the White House! God Bless America! What makes this all the more ridiculous is that he is currently the GOP front runner! Are you fucking kidding me, what happened to good Republican morals and repression and hatred of all things 21st century? Marrying 3 times, having a wife who was married 2x, living with gay men, being pro-choice, are we sure this elephant isn’t an ass?

John McCain – Didn’t this clown die in a war? I know most of America is stupid but I really can’t see them electing a corpse to be president, senator I can see, but President HA - that’s more a premise for the next “Weekend at Bernie’s”. Oh that’s a good idea; I’m going to sell that.

Mitt Romney – Let’s give it up for Mormons! Besides the polygamy practiced in this “religion” does anyone know anything else about Mormonism? I know more about Scientology and that’s just from reading gossip, I mean for all we know they could endorse bestiality and line dancing! And just because Big Love has a few viewers it does not mean America wants you in the White House, marrying your wife’s sisters and having 50 inbred brats sacrificing chickens. Although I bet the parties would be pretty cool.

John Edwards – how much you want to bet he’s hoping his wife dies of cancer before the elections so he can count on the sympathy votes (and my marriage proposal - hubba hubba!)? Huh? How MUCH????

I know there are a lot more of these idiots, Russ Feingold (I went to kindergarten with a kid named Russ who ALWAYS yanked my hair really hard (thanks for the fucking pigtails, MOM!) and whenever I would complain to the teacher she would just say “oh he just likes you “ (yeah, enough to fucking assault me on a daily basis, bitch, I should have sued you, you dumb cow) and then one day I had had enough and I hauled back and punched him in the face as hard as I could and of course I get into trouble and my mother has to drive me down to school to see the teacher about putting me into the afternoon classes and as we are driving to the school I’m leaning against the car door and I FALL OUT and my mother KEEPS GOING until the end of the block when she realizes that the door is wide open and I’m laying on the street…) and that’s why I hate you Russ, Bill Richardson, Joe Biden, Tommy Thompson, Chris Dodd, but these guys have no chance of making it, so why even bother making fun of them? They’re like Prince Harry, sure, they COULD be King, but you’d have to smite your father and brother to get there first and I don’t think these guys have the nuts to hurt anyone, let alone kill them. Besides, Hillary is built like a brick shithouse, I’ve never seen stouter ankles on a “woman”.

Frankly, I’m going to vote for Fred Thompson, even if he ends up not being on the ballot I’m going to write his name in, I love Law & Order, he looks presidential (just look at that picture, stern yet patriotic) and he seems like a stand up guy on TV and if you can’t trust what you see on TV, THEN THE TERRORISTS WIN**. Even though we already won*.

**As I was putting the finishing touches on this post someone sent me a picture that someone they know, drew, and it had the “then the terrorists win” line which means this is now as annoying a phrase as “don’t you know you there’s a war going on?” (to which I say no, since we already won*) and I was going to take it out of my post but then I figured fuck it, he didn't invent the phrase but now its annoying me so when I use it, it will simply be to irritate myself. That’s right, irritate, like a hot rash. Or pepper in your nose. Or allergies. That's it, irritate me baby, right there, that’s the spot, ooooooohhhhh yeah, if this is wrong, I don't want to be right....