MY CONTACTS ARE BETTER THAN YOUR CONTACTS

I have a friend who uses all my friends to network with. I find it really irritating, even if I meet someone when we're out and he sees that I get their number, he always asks me to give it to him too so he can find them on facebook or text them. I don't want to be that person that gives out everyone's contact info!! No one will want to be friends with me. And this "networking" isn't even work related, I swear he just does it to see if any of them will go out with him and if not at least he looks like he has a lot of friends on facebook. This really fucking bothers me, to the point where I am not just not responding to his requests. I know that's immature but I feel like if he wants to network so badly he should fucking get his own contacts, right?!

SUMMER SHARE

So this past weekend I spent my first weekend at my share house in Fire Island. Here is a breakdown of all the fucking losers sharing my weekend.

The Owner - total stoner, ex-lawyer who in lucid moments likes to grill people like they are on the stand. In not so lucid moments likes to grill corn without cleaning it (husk, grass, all of it on still on!), shop at flea markets/garage sales/dumpsters, and smoke weed. He smokes so much skunk that when I first got into the house, I actually asked him if there was a skunk under the porch!!

The Manager - a still practicing lawyer, his latest client is High Pitched Eric (or whatever) from the Howard Stern Show, whom he saved from getting evicted (for not paying his rent, what a lowlife). Brags constantly about how the b-list from the HSS are spending Memorial Day at the house. Also has VERY long fingernails which just creep me the fuck out and wears the same red sweatsuit constantly!

Toothy McToothsom - a nautical attorney who when she speaks and smiles, bares ALL her fucking teeth! TM likes to speak really sloooowly and enunciate each word and takes about 40 minutes to get a fucking sentence out and she constantly is fluffing/adjusting/flipping/touching her frizzy hair. She also packed 6 bikinis and a beach towel for a weekend in mid MAY at a house that is located on the water. Needless to say she was cold and wore the same pants every day. She is UNTOLERABLE!

Chatty Cathy - CC is a nurse who speaks in medical terms when she gets intimidated by all the lawyers and and has an endless supply of inane anecdotes and aimless pointless stories. She is also the house groupie, she's there like ALL the time and she does things like the laundry and setting up wifi and buying groceries for the guys out of her own pocket. She is semi-tolerable.

Hilary Swank as a man - HSAAM is actually tolerable. She has a good sense of humor but huge veiny thighs and an extremely manly resemblance to HS. She told us several stories of how people are mean to her (saying she looks like Steve Tyler, asking her if she runs why she's so fat). She also knows how to put a drink away, I'm sure we'll be fast friends.

Sales Guy - SG has a really annoying habit of breathing and being alive. He constantly brags about working at Maxim and how cool the parties are and pretends to be too cool for school but you can tell he's terrified of being found out to be a loser. He is the person that told me about the house, so you might say he's a friend of mine, but I can't seem to stand him when he's "showing off" to everyone else.

No Shows - there were several because the weather was supposed to be bad, so I'll have to update this when I do meet them.

Overall, there are redeeming qualities; we're right on the beach, easy access to weed, my dog can come. I guess I should have to come to some of those meet and greets beforehand. :(

SOMEONE NEEDS TO GET LAID (AND ITS NOT ME!)

Last night I met up with some peeps for drinks and this guy who had recently moved to the west coast was totally bragging on his Lexus SUV (even after *someone* so nicely pointed out that that was a soccer mom's car) and he stated "driving that car gives me orgasms!". Do I even need to describe what this guy looks like, or how many dates he has NOT had in the past few months??? Why do I hang out with such losers?!