I was out with some friends the other night, having drinks, laughing it up, hitting on gay men, all the normal things that women do these days. I go outside for a smoke and I come back and the girlfriend of one of my friends goes rooting through my bag which I am holding on my lap (because someone is sitting on the seat next to me where I normally place my bag, selfish slag, can’t you see this bag costs more than your life and deserves to be sitting on its own seat more than you and that cheap Strawberry tube dress do!) and when I’m like “um, can I help you?”, she’s all like “oh I just want to make sure its here” and I’m like “make sure what is here?” and she pulls out $30 and says “Ernest* put money in your purse while you were away and I wanted to make sure you didn’t lose it.”
Oh so let me get this straight. Ernest is stuffing money in my purse when I am away and can’t see it but you feel it’s your job to let me know in no uncertain terms that it’s there and we should all acknowledge his generosity?? Well thank you Miss Fucking No Manners, nothing makes me more warm and fuzzy inside than knowing that you are selfish bitch who can’t even let her boyfriend do a good deed, even if its not that good of a deed considering a) I paid for almost his entire going away dinner and party because his family and friends were too cheap to pony up some dough, b) I just paid for all your food that you gluttons just ordered and that last round of drinks and I don’t even know you, and c) I’m always lending him money for cabs and shit at the end of the night when he’s done buying drinks for women who are not greedy euro-trash skanks (ie not you).
Thanks PiggyBack Money-Whore, but next time, if you’re going to draw attention to the fact that there is money in my purse either let it be your own money or let it be more than $30, seriously. My dog shits out more than that. Come ON!
*not his real name, and yes, I hate my friends enough to give them the worst names I can think of.