THE "L" WORD

I think I may have found someone who might be more losery than me (yay!). I was deleting text messages in my phone the other day and I came across like 50 in a row of them from my friend who is moving from CA to NY. Here’s a random sampling, you be the judge (well I’ll judge her too; being judgmental is my “thing”):

“Stupid bird won’t stop singing” – received at 5:35 AM, her time. On a SATURDAY!! Who is so alert on a Sat. morning at that time that a bird wakes them up?! And unless you need some advice on how to kick out that possible herpes infection you invited home last night, there is no reason you should be texting ME at that hour! I mean its 8:30 here; I’m still sleeping one off!

“Ugh, why is tomato on a BLT?” Um… seriously??

“What kinds of clothes do you guys wear there?” She means to the office, she has a new job in NY and she’s apparently lost her fucking mind in CA and cannot understand that people just. wear. clothes. to the office, JUST LIKE IN CALIFORNEEEEEEEE! So I respond that it’s pretty fucking hot and basically people wear anything that’s acceptable and she texts back the following:

“Like cotton pants? Can I wear those?” Are you kidding me? (You know once I asked someone if they were kidding me as a rhetorical question, mainly to underscore the idiocy of her request and not only did she respond but the response was “no, I’m not kidding”. Totally deadpan and like she was about to cry. I don’t ask that question out loud anymore, I’m afraid of getting another response.) I mean first off, WTF are ‘cotton pants'?! and secondly, how does a 34 year old woman who has always lived in urban areas and claims that Barneys is her “happy place” say the phrase “cotton pants”??? HOOOOOOOOOW, Dear God?!