SUGARTITS

CHRISTMAS KITTIES

Someone has way too much time on their hands to put this together, I'll never listen to Silent Night the same again!

MRS. ROBINSON GOT LAID, RIGHT?

I was recently at an office happy hour and I got really drunk and after everyone left, I started making out with this guy that works at the same company, but is like 10 years younger than me. It was pretty embarrassing, and of course I would never actually date him or delude myself into thinking he's dateable, but it does annoy me that he waits for me to get drunk to maul me (this is actually the second time we've kissed, the first time he kissed me but also annoyed me so I was not into it and left before booze could start making decisions for me) but then never does anything else, like ask for my number or email or IM me. I mean what kind of freak is this?? I know, its so "the food here is terrible and there's too little of it!" but it is annoying.

I'D RATHER GET A PIECE OF COAL

There is a commercial on the TV here for WB Mason that is just so ridiculous. At first I thought that it was for package delivery services, but I think it might actually be for office supplies as an alternative to ipods and Guitar Hero for Christmas. Basically Santa can't deliver all the toys to kids because there is a huge snowstorm so then you see all these WB Mason trucks flying around and then two kids unwrapping presents by the christmas tree exclaiming "A stapler!!" "and pencils!!". WTF is wrong with this company, NO KID gets excited over getting office supplies for presents, do they really think that people will start buying each other shredders and binders?? Lame.

Get Creative, Can Do, Rock ON!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjLw28UVWEU

SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE!

I'm kind of glad Prince Harry and this beast broke up, she's massive! The face that SUNK a thousand ships, more like! (I know that's immature, I just want him to myself!)

WHY CAN'T WE JUST RELAX?

I don't get this show "Gossip Girls". These people are supposed to be in their teens yet they look like they're in they're 30's, the hair and makeup and expensive handbags, and their issues are just so lame when you see them being acted out by a person who looks like they could have given birth to a person who is the same age as the character they play. They seem so adult, its creepy. Why aren't they making bad fashion choices and going vegan because some gay singer they like is vegan?

And also why do they have so much drama? Maybe I just don't get teens anymore, but its like "chill, go experiment with dildos and eat ice cream". I mean, I'm almost (ALMOST!) twice their supposed age and I don't deal with half that shit. I don't know anymore. I just don't know.

SKANK

how does she get so much lipstick all over her teeth? Or maybe cum is red in Korea, who knows?!

FATTY, FATTY 2X4...

I'm sorry, but beth ditto is fucking gross. There is embracing your body and have a good self image and there is just obese. Seeing her stripped naked on a stage makes me sick to my stomach.

A LAPDANCE IS SO MUCH BETTER WHEN THE STRIPPER IS CRYING

This woman is such a fucking attention whore, I have no sympathy for her at all. I love my dog and would be heartbroken if someone stole her and really, no one is more sympathetic to people when this happens but first of all, she was in a fucking restaurant eating and tied the dogs up outside, then she offers a reward and goes on TV crying about how they mean everything to her and how she would pay anything and then she gets the dogs back and she stiffs the fucking guy?? If she thinks its a scam she should go the police, but she got her dogs back (which she lost due to her own negligence) and now she refuses to pay him MONEY but will pay him (and his friends) in SEX?? She disgusts me and her dogs should be taken away from her.

BITCH, BITCH, BITCH

I am so tired of all this hype surrounding the Sex and (in?) the City movie. I mean these women are all in their 40's with kids and wrinkles and varicose veins, are we to really believe men would still want to fuck them?? Although I can't believe anyone would 10 years ago, SJP is a troll and that mole on her face disgusts me, KC is just a dried up old whore, and the other two are just useless, a dyke and repressed socialite. And that leads me to todays rant. I am sick of seeing these bratty, temper-tantrum-throwing rich girls who think they are being all empowered and embracing their "inner bitch". That's not a bitch, that's just a self absorbed, selfish, self centered cunt. The difference between a bitch and brat is the ability to pull the trigger. In my day a bitch was a woman who's not afraid to get personal, who will draw blood for no reason other than she felt like it, someone who will fight dirty and hit below the belt. Let's set this record straight. Just because you can whine like a 10 year old who doesn't get her way, does not make you a bitch, it just makes you a sad, pathetic little gnat.

DIRECTORS CHAIRS

You know those directors chairs that movie sets have with the name of whoever the star is (or are) for them to sit in? What do they do with those chairs after the movie is wrapped? Like does Leo DiCaprio take it home with him? Or does the studio keep it? If Leo takes it home, does he have like dozens of them? Or does he bring the same one to each movie with him? If the studio keeps it, why? On the off chance that Leo will do another movie for them and they can use it again? And where do they keep them? Is there a giant warehouse of chairs with celebrity names on them??

Omg, I just blew my mind! Maybe the chairs are the same chairs and they just change the names on them? Can they do that? I always thought the names were embrodiered but maybe they can change the names so they don't have to keep buying chairs. I have to sit down for a minute.

WE DON'T PAY YOU TO THINK

Don't you think Eva Mendes is kind of useless in movies? I can't remember seeing one role that she played where I thought she was good for it. She can be interchanged with almost any other bland actress. If it weren't for her tits, we wouldn't even be hearing about her.

PREGNANT IS NOT A GOOD LOOK FOR YOU

Am I the only person who finds a woman's distended, pregnant belly disgusting?? I don't think that's sexy at all. And I don't want to see it uncovered on magazine covers and on TV. Seeing a belly that is so full that the belly button actually POPS OUT, is not a good look. It actually makes me sick to MY stomach! Please keep it covered America.

Ugh, look at that self satisfied smirk on her face, I suddenly have the urge to punch her in that baby basket of hers.

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE... PART DEUX

So I am meeting this friend for drinks after work the other night and she asks me to meet her where she works because she has her car there and doesn't want to have to move it and pay again for parking, so I was like "sure, just tell me what train station to get off at". She proceeds to give me cross streets instead of station names. When I tell her that on the train she is telling me to take that there are stops on Broadway, Houston AND Lafayette, she doesn't respond to me. So whatever, I just leave because she tells me she can only stick around for a little while and I didn't want to waste more time on this and figured I'd just wing it. So she texts me and tells me that she'll meet me outside the train station exit. I get there and THERE ARE 4 EXITS!!

So I'm really annoyed now because its all about her, then she drags me to like 5 bars and she still can't pick one, even after every one she mentioned I said "SURE". All of a sudden we're 4 blocks down Prince St and she still can't make up her fucking mind.

Finally we find a place and then she spends the better part of 3 drinks bitching about work even though I warned her that that job wasn't for her (and not to mention that every time i speak to her she's complaining about her job) and then talking about guys she works with. That's it. The only time conversation drifted to me was when she said she didn't like my hair the last time she saw me. Why do I put up with this? Are friends like this normal??

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE...

I have a friend who is so fucking irritating. Everything you tell him NOT to do, he does. I'll tell him "don't call my phone, text or email me" and he calls, I'll say "I'm going to get a drink, wait here" and he follows me. I say "I'll meet you there" and he shows up outside my door. Now last night I say "I can't wait to see the premiere of 30 Rock tonight" and he fucking calls me in the middle of it!!! I mean WTF. Why are people so fucking stupid??

CHEESEBURGER, CHEESEBURGER!!

there is a foreign guy that works on my floor and he sounds like he has downs and its really irritating because he talks constantly and right outside my door. I hate him.

SELF-CENTERED COW

IVANKA TRUMP says "I have beautiful teeth. They shine by themselves, and so do I!".

I was on the fence with her with because she seemed to be working and not showing her cooch and partying and blowing through money and Valtrex like a Paris Hilton type whore, even though she was working for daddy and her daddy is Donald Trump the most disgusting human being in NY, in my mind. But this comment just makes me really fucking hate her. What a useless and snobby comment. It's not hard to shine when you have millions of dollars at your privileged feet you over-processed bitch.

NO SHIT QUOTE OF THE DAY

Lil Jon told Forbes. "We're using our success and celebrity and turning that into ways of making money."

DATING THROUGH COMMENTS

I was just reading some of my friends comments on myspace and on one of my friends, a guy was setting up a date with her through her comments section. Isn't that weird? It went back and forth like 4 or 5 times. Why didn't he just email her or text message or CALL?? Now everyone can read that dorky awkwardness. I feel bad for him but I also want to punch him in the nuts.

MY EARS!! MY EYES!!

Wow, she's almost as bad as Britney Spears, I would give her points because her dancing is more spastic but then she does just stand in that one spot so I take them away and her lip synching, why did they even give her a microphone?? Is she a prop singer??

BALLOON SEXY TIME

STINK, STANK, STUNK

Ooof, someone is cooking fishsticks or fish fillets downstairs and it STINKS!

I'M TOO ANNOYED TO THINK OF A TITLE FOR THIS

from the Post, Page 6: "BIJOU Phillips would love nothing more than for her long-time boyfriend, Danny Masterson, to pop the question. Though reps assure us the two have not yet talked about marriage, Phillips was overheard gushing over her beau of three years backstage at the Jill Stuart fashion show. Our spy said, "She talked about how he doesn't do any drugs and she's only surrounded by people who are good for her when she's with him.""

Why does she have to surround herself with people that are good for her, why can't she make her own mind up? What is she 12, she doesn't know how to say no? Give me a break, she needs to take responsibility for own life and actions and stop blaming her problems on "other people". Fucking celebrities, they're all fucked in the head.

SLOW NEWS WEEK??

I've been away for a while so i'm coming in on the tail end of this this vanessa hudgens "scandal". I have not seen the pictures, apparently she pays her lawyers on time, but I have been hearing a lot of this lately from disney folks and old people, essentially "we all make mistakes, I just hope she learned her lesson".

WHAT FUCKING MISTAKE?? WHAT FUCKING LESSON?? So she took some nude pictures of herself, big fucking deal. Its not like she skinned a cat or ate a baby for godssake. Nudity is natural and we see it all the time. I guess its ok when a paparazzi gets the picture but not when its taken by the celebrity itself.

I really have no idea who this girl is besides the HSM stuff, but I hope she doesn't think she actually did something wrong just because some moral fatcat told her she did, I hope she has more self esteem than that, but I wouldn't be surprised if all this attention has forced her into an eating disorder.

YAWN

I'm really fucking tired of ben stiller.

GO ARMY

You know all these people that do these letter drives for the troops, they collect letters that lonely people write to anonymous soldiers and send them on to just random troops in Iraq?

I wonder if the troops aren't sometimes annoyed by them? I mean because they have write back (I assume they do, whenever i hear thse stories the soldiers always write back)and its like if they have a hisband/wife and family plus their parents and siblings, all writing them, isn't getting letters from a total stranger where you have to write back, kind of like work then? If it was me, I'd be like send me some cookies or money if you want to support me, I don't need a fucking chore! Random stranger support isn't going to feed me or put braces on my kids, for godsake.

WHERE YOU AT?!

Wow, I've been away for some time!! I'm gonna get back to posting more frequently, work has been nuts and I've been in Mexico for like FOREVER and there has been constant drama and all that just exhausts me! Anyway, thanks for being loyal readers, I'm sorry for not being here for you and I'll be getting back to posting sometime today.

xoxoxo

EARTHLINK INTERNET NERDS

The earthlink commercial that shows "real people" instead of a server is really retarded. Frankly I'd prefer a server to these dorks. And of course, because it's something I'm looking for on the internet, I can't find the video.

GIVE THEM THE BAMBI TREATMENT

In Page 6 today:

"DISNEY honchos still plan to turn their made-for-TV hit "High School Musical" into a real movie, but they may have to do it without the TV version's major stars, Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens. A tipster says Disney is "only offering them $1 million each. Zac and Vanessa aren't going to do it."

This is pissing me off. These two were nobodies last year and Disney swept in and made them famous with some stupid ass formulaic song and dance bullshit yet they think they can start demanding more money? These KIDS are being offered 1 million dollars each to do a stupid fucking movie that's already had a sequel to it and is aired on TV and that's not enough for them? Is everyone losing their minds??? Is 1 million dollars now nothing, has the economy tanked that bad? When does a fucking teenager get so fucking uppity from doing FUCKING DISNEY MOVIES, that they think they can start making demands like this, like they run the show, like they're Harvey fucking Weinstein?!?! Disney made them famous in one movie, they can certainly find another pair of bland wannabe Lindsay Lohan/BackStreet boy kids who would happily take their spot and be a little more fucking grateful about. If I was Disney I'd tell them to "GO FUCK YOURSELVES" and then I'd also tell Zac Efron's mom that he's gay. REALLY gay. Like HOMO GAY.

TAPPITY-TAP

Some mornings I come in and I hear my staff typing, typing, typing away and I KNOW it's not work related typing. And it really fucking irritates me.

PARIS FOR PRESIDENT

Why are people (I mean people who write TMZ and celebrity blogs and shit) acting so surprised that Paris Hilton is back to partying and not reading bibles and self help books?? Doesn't this say more about the gullability of the american public than Paris Hilton? Losers.

I CAN'T EVEN THINK OF A TITLE FOR THIS

My boss is kind of foreign (french-canadian) and she pronounces everyone's name wrong. Nadine is "NED-dean" and Corinne is "COR-inn" or "CO-reen". It's really fucking annoying because I don't think you'd pronounce these names this way if you WERE french or were speaking french.

I DON'T THINK YOU CAN RETURN AN ITEM FOR SPITE

One of my guy friends is really annoying me, I've been ignoring him for a few months because I was pissed off at him for judging me and then I randomly ran into him at an event a few weeks ago and I couldn't ignore him but now I've been blowing him off, but he's getting increasingly needy: over the weekend he sent me a text that said "wish you were here" and "missing you" and then he sent me an email this morning that was like "call me, cupcake". WTFF?! I'm not your cupcake and even if you felt it was appropriate to call me that I would have to punch you in the vagina as that is the most offensive nickname you can give a person! UGH. So I ignored it out of spite and he's been IM'ing me, but I've been ignoring those to and really, what can I do to get my point across these days?

My ex, the one where we broke up over text and then he continues to check in every few weeks is still texting and emailing me, even after I told him that us being friends "is not going to happen". And one of the emails he sent me was a reply to an email that I sent him telling him we should go our separate ways!!!!!! How much clearer can I get with these assclowns?? I have just HAD it!

GAY ROBOT

I *heart* gay robot!! xoxo

WE'RE GONNA MASH POTATO TO A JUKEBOX TUNE

I'm going to Mexico in a few weeks for vacay, which is great except it was supposed to be a family vacation but now my whole family has backed out so its just me and my mom. UGH. I'm trying to get some friends to come with me, so far I have one nutjob on the fence, its actually her wedding anniversary so she said she might have to spend time with her husband (they're estranged or whatever it's called when you don't sleep with each other anymore but you share a house and you have sex with other people. Oh, roommates, that's right.)

Anyway, I'm bracing myself for more of the antics outlined in the previous post, the only thing saving me is that she doesn't speak spanish and she doesn't understand their money, so this will work in my favor as she's less likely to be insulting if she doesn't understand "those savages" and they're not likely to understand the "loco gringa".

I could see my mother having slaves.

ITS JUST MOM AND WHORES

My mother is losing her mind, I just got back from a few days alone with her and trust me. Here are some examples:

Exhibit A - Cars

When driving her vehicle tends move at a pace either 20 mph less or more than everyone else. When other vehicles move slower or faster, mother tends to rant about "crazy drivers on the road".

Parking consists of always being in at least two spots at once, despite her recent ticket for doing so and her claim that "I didn't even buy anything at that store" which apparently did not work as a legal defense.

Changing lanes is done without signalling and at the most inappropriate times such as a double line or car coming in the other direction.

Exhibit B - Dining out

Arriving at a restaurant will loudly exclaim "see, its not empty" to whoever is directly behind her. If it is empty she will ask the waitstaff "why is it so dead here?".

When asked if she had made reservations she responds "I didn't think we'd have to make reservations here" with a laugh.

Loudly asks "is this fresh?" within earshot of at least 2 patrons and an employee of the restaurant.

Exhibit C - Miscellaneous

Repeats her stories over and over and over and as if she had never told it before. If she has a phone call she will repeat the entire call at least 3 times, regardless of whether you had been sitting there and heard the entire thing already.

Asks you at least 40x if the "corn is fresh" or "what time is it" or "what kind of wine goes with wine" or "how much fat is in it" or "what is the internet".

Lusting after men that are at least 30 years younger than her (EW). I think we have to get her medication checked.

SOOOOOOO CLOSE!

Ok, I'm pretty much turning this blog into an anti-cuteoverload, but I just can't resist animals that are doing disgusting things!

TUBBY TABBY

who's a chubby wubby kitty cat??

SUCK ON IT, CUTEOVERLOAD!

I'm feeling slightly better than yesterday, that typing is still annoying me, but I've so far refrained from setting her on fire. I found this picture of my dog last night, I figured I'd share it here since those bitches at cuteoverload won't post any of the 8000 photos I've been sending them since last year. Stuck up snobs. Like snails are cuter than this??? I don't think so!

CLACKETY CLACK

Ok, I totally realize how ridiculous this is, but I am so irritated right now (today, always) and the person who sits to the north-west of me is typing so loudly that I want to scream at her to go somewhere else.

I want to throw a fucking keyboard at her.

I want to leave and not come back.

But I also want to set her computer on fire before I leave.

THERE ARE NO WINNERS, ONLY LOSERS II

I'm suspending the contest for a little while, I'm kind of bogged down at work and I'm not able to write as much plus there were no winners so I don't think anyone will miss this. However if you do see a title that you think is from *something* feel free to leave it in the comments and I'll still send you something.

IT'S AN INTERVENTION, NOT A POKER GAME

Ok, this is just hilarious. Now the media (ok, just Katie Couric for now) are urging us to remember that Lindsay Lohan is an addict. An addict? Come ON! She's just a young girl with no self or parental controls and too much money. Lots of people, not just in Hollywood, were the "victims" of this. I mean look at us normal people, we went nuts, went to college, participated in wake and bakes, did coke in the bathrooms at dirty bars, drank our faces off at keg parties every night, slept with undesirable people, the list goes on and on. But I think most of us came back smarter and wiser, humbler. Lindsay needs a kick in the pants, not another stint at "rehab". Give me a break.

GEORGE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! MY GOD!

i was reading this article about ron jeremy and i realized, i had never seen a "famous" porn movie. Is this possible? When I was younger, my porn consumption came from old video's that my boyfriends at the time would have stashed in their closet or ceiling tiles and I can't recall ever seeing anything that didn't look like it was made after the 1950's and now my porn comes from the internet and you could watch for years without seeing the same movie twice, let alone stumble onto anything remotely "famous". I've never rented a porn from a video store (is that not the most disgusting things ever? Anything you touch in that place is pretty much been masturbated on, I doubt they cleaned those packages when they were brought back) and I don't shop online for video's and even at the sex stores, I don't look at the video sections, I just giggle at the greeting cards section and buy something stupid like gummi penises and pretend its for a bachelorette party. I might have seen the Hedgehog in action once, I vaguely remember a short, fat, hairy guy, doing a girl on one of those chaise lounges, outside by a pool. Anyone know if this is one of his?

I guess I could start paying for my porn, but I'm really too cheap to pay to watch other people fuck. But feel free to send me any famous porn you might have.

WON'T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR?

This morning was a bit of a doozy for me and my neighbors. It turns out that one of the brownstones on my block houses a family of criminals. I didn't realize this until today but then things started coming back to me. Like the time last summer when it was pouring rain out and there was a guy who was so drunk off his ass, yelling at someone to "STOP STARING AT ME!!". I looked but I didn't see who he was yelling at, but he kept that shit up for a good half an hour and then I thought he was maybe yelling at me! Then there were all the times I heard drunk people shouting at each other for hours on end, (seriously, hours, these people could keep up a fight). Sometimes when they fought, some feral cats would be out there fucking so the noise would get co-mingled. And then there was the time last week when the cops were out there and one woman was apparently filing some sort of complaint on her front stoop about the other woman who was standing there. The complaint kind of went like this "I DON'T TRUST HER! I DON'T TRUST HER!" and the cop basically staring off into space, wishing he was still at the bar.

Today's drama consisted of 2 ambulances, 3 cop cars, and a fire truck. I have no idea what happened but I did hear the drunk guy has been in prison for a few months now and they are very bad people.

YOU CAN GET WITH THIS OR YOU CAN GET WITH THAT

There was a debate the other day with the democrats and you know, as much as I think it's great that Barack Obama is running, or wants to run or whatever, I'm starting to get a little sick of his "well I never voted for the war" stance. I'm not on Team Hillary, but enough is enough already. I get it, you didn't vote for the war, you don't like war, you're a pussy, blah blah. But what I hear when he continually rubs that in, is "I have no other agenda for this nation". He might have more up his sleeve, I don't know, all i know is that this is what I hear when I hear him speak. Can't we just agree that the war was voted for on unclear facts, that no one really wants this, that it's been too costly, that are no WMD's, that there we can't find Osama and that we want an exit strategy before every single one of our troops is killed and that's that? I mean I think all the parties are on the same page here. Let's try to move on and fix this as best we can and lets start to focus on other things like healthcare, homeless, elderly, unemployment, gas prices, home ownership, you know, on domestic issues.

I KNOW WHO KILLED ME

Christ, I am so irritated right now, all this fucking media coverage of Lindsay Lohan's most recent arrest and here's the best part, her mother states:

"My children, my family, we are like prisoners in our own home because paparazzi [are stalking us] outside [our] home. Lindsay is in a safe place. We are waiting for the press frenzy to die down and leave her alone. And please respect our privacy."

Is she for fucking real?! Is this not the SAME person who invited cameras into her daughters last stay in rehab?? Who turns every public appearance by her kids into a gimmick to sell herself as a celebrity?? I totally agree with celebrities who have the "I'm a person, I need my personal time" but people who fucking invite media and cameras and attention and then complain about it when its not flattering to them, should get the "Swimming With Sharks" treatment (papercuts, lemon juice, salt, hot pepper sauce) with their press releases. Who does this bitch think she is? I'm not a parent and I definitely think kids need to grow up at some point, but this mother has done everything in her power to make her daughter the mess she is today, she should be in jail for neglect. How is Lindsay ever going to learn consequences when her mother condones everything thing she does? If she devoted half the time she spends on marketing herself and taking advantage of her kids, maybe they wouldn't be so fucking screwed up! Ugh, I don't even know why I care so much, this shit just drives me nuts.

SHE'S PERFECT 1O, BUT SHE WEARS A 12

Someone just told me about these flip flops that help you lose weight and it got me to thinking about these pants that I heard about that also help you lose weight. Are we so gullible that we'll believe anything these days? Here's a good way to lose weight, STOP EATING SO MUCH. Take a little bit of excercise. There is no magic potion, pill, diet plan, special clothing, etc that will help you lose weight without changing your diet and exercising more but that seems to be too much work. It's situations like this where I can understand other countries getting the idea that we're all "lazy americans". That being said, I am totally ordering these, I have no problems with being called lazy, I am lazy. And I like to eat food. And I don't like to excercise.

PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN

I wrote this Harry Potter rant last week and it got deleted by accident because my computer is a fucking asshole and I was so pissed I couldn't rewrite it then but I have calmed down now and will put it up.

I saw on the news last week that Scholastic and JK Rowling are planning on suing the NY Times and other publications and websites for printing reviews and selling copies of the last HP book before it officially goes on sale and come ON, who fucking cares?!? Rowling states that printing a review before the book comes out shows a "complete disregard of the wishes of literally millions of readers". Seriously dude? Ok, some points here, first of all, most of her readers are kids and the last time I checked, kids don't read the NY Times, hell most of my adult friends don't read the fucking NYTimes. So I doubt any kids are getting all suicidal because of it (and for those adults who read HP books, get a fucking life, this a story about wizards, the main characters are 11 fucking years old and they're smarter than you, don't you feel a little foolish reading this book?? I imagine you are fat and lonely and reside with several cats and most likely do not read the NY Times any more than the 8 year old who lives next to you and is 200 pages further into the book than you).

Secondly, why does it seem that every fucking time a new book comes out this same old shit happens?? Haven't they learned their lesson from the last 3 or 4 times this happened? The bottom line is if you are going to ship something out early but then hype up all the secrecy, people are going to fucking take advantage and start selling it and giving away plotlines. As HUMAN BEINGS we like ruining things for other people! It's our nature! I don't need a fucking degree in biology or rocket scientology to know this, all I need to know is that this whenever you try to keep something a secret, it gets out even faster than if you had published it on YouTube. Try to remember this the next time you have some shitty book launch so that the news that is broadcast all day actually consists of news and not this whiny bullshit from someone in the UK who is making millions of dollars off of Americans.

I know I had a 3rd and possibly 4th point, but I'm so irate, I have forgotten them. I'll update later if I can remember.

WE JUST CAN'T "LOVE" OUR PETS

I was reading UsWeekly on the train today and there was this lame article about Paula Abdul and her new boyfriend and there was a line in there about how her dogs have accepted him, inferring that if her dogs like him, he's a decent guy and Paula should drug and marry him ASAP (and televise it, of course). I know that I've seen this before about other people and I'd like to just clarify this way of thinking. I have a dog, so I think I am speaking from a pretty good place when I say that yes, using your dog can be a test in dating, however, it's not to see if the dog will get along with the man, it's to see how the man gets along with your dog! I don't buy into this whole "dogs are prescient" bullshit, I know tons of dogs that if a psycho came into your house and brought it a steak, it'd lick his hand and go to town on the steak. I have to yet to see a dog ignore a steak or even a squeaky toy to attack someone robbing you, let alone start barking out messages that the guy you're currently sleeping with is a "bad guy". Can we just let dogs be dogs instead of using them as another lame and pathetic dating ritual?

THERE ARE NO WINNERS, ONLY LOSERS

No winners in last weeks contest, lets see if there are any this week.

YOU HAVE DERAILED!

This post is gonna sound weird and contradictory to my post earlier about the contest I am having on this blog, but what is the deal with commentators that comment every day on every single post like its their job??? There is a certain blog that I read almost every day and I find that the same commentators over and over again, post multiple comments on every posting, every day and they have comment wars with other commentators and the thing is, the blog updates and posts like 50 times a day!!! And now today (the last straw) a commentator bids all the other commentators adieu by writing a 3 paragraph comment!! WTF?! Who cares? All day, these people are reading and commenting and fighting amongst themselves to be the most snarky and it's kind of sad and pathetic. Ironically, if this was happening here, it would actually be cool and I would reward these commentators with fabulous prizes. But it's not, so I'm bitter and angry and I hate them and they don't deserve to have all this traffic and wait... I'm not sure if I'm angry with the commentators or the blog itself now. This rant has gone nowhere.

ECTOPLASMIC RESIDUE.

I'm so annoyed right now by the press coverage of this "steam pipe bursting" activity in NYC, mainly because even though none of the "victims" has said it or even thought it at first, the media keeps bringing up "terrorism" and planting that in everyones heads. Of course we have the few people who were like "it was so surreal, it was like 9/11" but those people are idiots and the fact that they don't get hit by buses every day is a testament to the idea that God protects the simpleminded. But for the media to continue to press this issue, even to state "it is NOT an act of terrorism" is just fucking foolish. Not every fucking thing is terrorism. Not every blackout, burst pipe, car accident, drunken brawl, airplane delay is a fucking act of terrorism. Let's have some common fucking sense here people, don't be a fucking moron.

Oh and if I hear "spewing" on more time, someone at Fox5 is gonna pay. Dearly.

DID WE WIN?? NO, BUT I GOT MY APPLE TART BROUGHT OUT TO ME.

I've noticed through SiteMeter that I have like 3 readers and I'm pretty positive that all 3 of those readers are me. So in a sad, desperate, vain attempt to gain some audience on this blog, starting today, I am hosting a contest every day, YAY! Some* of you may have noticed that the titles of my blog postings (including this posting) have been lines from movies or tv shows. So going forward I am hosting a contest where if you guess the right movie, book, tv show or song on a posting you will win a fabulous** prize!!

Now the rules:

1. You must enter the name of the movie, book, tv show or song that you think the title comes from in the comments section*** in addition to your email address so I can find you to deliver said fabulous prize.

2. The first person with the correct answer will win the aforementioned fabulous prize.

3. You can enter for each posting, if there are 5 postings and you win all 5 then you get 5 FABULOUS prizes!

4. No fat chicks. Just kidding. Kind of.

So have fun, enjoy the rants and most importantly, tell your friends to read Rantasticdaily.blogspot.com every day for their chance to win a fabulous prize! Note, since I have no readers, let alone sponsors willing to send me swag, the fabulous prize will consist of a item that I manage to steal, shoplift, pickpocket, swipe****, etc. I will post the answers along with the winners names the following day and maybe a monthly Hall of Winners post or something, I'm not sure, it depends on how much work that is.

*Some, meaning just me

**fabulous prize not guaranteed to be fabulous

***yes, the comments section, comments are love

****Rantasticdaily.blogspot.com is in no way responsible for any legal ramifications stemming from the acceptance of a fabulous prize. But seriously, ,it's not like you're getting an iPhone or something, that shit I keep for myself. You'll get whatever I can I fit in my pocket.

BOOBS, FOOTBALL, DOG

Here's Tara Reid stuffing her bra. In her defense, these will look more natural than what she's currently passing off as breasts.

GIMME, GIMME, GIMME

I'm kind of annoyed because the person who has the "Rantastic.com" URL in Blogger has only blogged 5 times and not since 2002. Also they are on the first page of results when I do a search on Google or Ask.com, and my blog is like on the 3rd page of google and not even a result on Ask! I really want that url, shouldn't there be some kind of law or statute that states if you you don't use it, you lose it? I wonder if I can email that person to get them to give it up. They'll probably want some fucking money or something. Asshole.

"WE COULD LIVE OFFA THE FATTA THE LAN'"

Enjoy this recipe:

1 cup carrots, diced
1 cup celery, diced
1 cup potatoes, diced
1 small shallot, diced
2 tablespoons Mrs. Dash
3 tablespoons olive oil
1 big ass, gigantic, filthy, dirty, dead rat that you found on the street next to your office

ARE THOSE BALLS? THE LAST TIME THEY WERE BALLS.

ESQUIRE SUCKS

Unbelievable. I was trying to enter a contest on Esquire to win a trip to Vegas and as it turns out, what I was signing up for was a fucking subscription to this magazine (it was very misleading, I'm sure this is illegal)!!! When I saw the page for "Payment" I realized what was up so I exited out of it but they still got me because I just got an email confirming my subscription. Assholes. And another thing, it says that you have to wait a week to cancel to "ensure you are entered into our system" which just really means "wait a week and forget you were scammed into subscribing and by the time you get the first issue and bill, you'll realize that it's impossible to cancel ANY magazine subscription! SUCKER".

HELLS RETARDS

Ok, I caught up on the last two episodes of Hells Kitchen last night and I have to say thank god Ramsey got rid of Melissa. If I had to watch that frizzy hair and listen to that horrible, whiney, demanding, obnoxious voice of hers, I'd kill myself. Anyway, I'm pretty disappointed by this season, no one is a real star in this group, I really feel like they were going to for ratings rather than an actual hunt for an amazing chef.

I don't mean any offense but does Ramsey honestly believe that Julia is going to be running his kitchen? I think she's really great but she has absolutely no background in fine dining, all her ideas are comfort food related (fish and chips, grilled steak) and all her skills are waffle house related (cooking eggs, sauteeing scallops, doing prep work). She complains that no one wants to listen to her ideas but I'm still waiting to hear one! Actually that's not true, her idea to put steak and shrimp on the red teams' menu was a good idea, if not actually inspired. When diners are faced with a whole lot of fancy shit, sometimes they're gonna go for a steak. Not every diner is sophisticated enough to want to eat donkeys brains and pig entrails. They just want a steak. And since the other team didn't have a steak, it's sure to be a good bet.

Rock is just a lazy asshole. He acts all pissed off when other people try to take the reins, but I have yet to see HIM try to take the reins. He just gets all pissed off and then blames them for everything that goes wrong. I think he gets kicked off in the next episode, they showed him crying like a bitch saying "I let down my family". Ugh, go already.

My prediction to win is Jen. She actually has fine dining experience and she seems able to handle herself and a kitchen and she doesn't have the insecurities of a Bonnie ("are you mad at me?") and as for Josh, I don't even know why he's still there, unless it's so Ramsey has a whipping boy for a few weeks.

I know this is from last season, but I love when he tells her to get her breasts off the hot plate!

ALL TOGETHER NOW, AWWWWWW

This dog was born in Japan, with a heart shaped patch on his fur. Yeah right, this is natural. The Japanese would make a dog shaped like a hello kitty backpack (trust me, they have the technology) if they felt it was cute enough. I'm not knocking it, I'm just saying I wouldn't be surprised if you start seeing more than one of these. Anyway, its still too cute for words and on this note I will leave you.

THE ALIENS HAVE LANDED...3 MONTHS AGO

What is all this shit about the Beckhams landing in the USA over the weekend? Correct me if I'm wrong but haven't they already been living here the past few months? Has Posh Spice not already filmed a shitty reality show that shows her buying a house and talking to neighbors and sucking up to Tom and Katie, that will air TONIGHT on NBC? Don't tell me that she can manage her time that well!

NO RERUN, NO ROGER NO RENT

I'm really annoyed right now because I lost my security card that gets me into my office and they are going to charge me $10 for a new one even though I have another one that is deactived. I think they're they're trying to teach me a lesson or some shit, but it's retarded. It's not like I go around losing my card willy-nilly and make them make me new ones every week. I think I might just go on a protest and work from home until they give me a new card for free.

IS SHE A ROBOT??

Do you ever listen to Hilary Clinton's speeches? What is the deal with those? I can't describe the assault on my eardrums, it's like an old timey politician or like she's just gonna break out "NO. NEW. TAXES.". The way she enunciates each word, I guess that might be considered proper english, but when she starts getting louder when she's making a point, the rising volume, it's like she's yelling at me (or the listener) to pay attention. I don't know, I was going to post a video of her making a speech to illustrate my point, but I just can't. Maybe you can listen to one and describe it better.

HIDEY HO!

You know when you're at work and you HAVE to poop but there is someone in there and you're sitting on the bowl being polite, just waiting for them to leave and not making any noise but they know you are there and they are taking their sweet time and washing their hands and doing their makeup and looking at their ass in the mirror and shit and its like "GET THE FUCK OUT!!". What are they waiting for? I don't want to go because then you'll tell everyone you heard me (we're like 5 years old here) and what if it stinks (yes mine stinks....LIKE ROSES!). I mean they have to know that you're waiting for them to leave because its silent, but you're sitting there and maybe you cough to let them know "hey, i'm waiting to shit, can you get the fuck out?" and they still don't leave. They're torturing you. Plain and simple. I hate those people.

IF MISS NEW JERSEY DID IT....

Am I the only person that feels like Miss New Jersey was asking for it with those “stolen” pictures?? How come no one has said “hey dumb-dumb, you post pictures (or anything else) on the internet, it’s OUT THERE! Just because you set a page to private doesn’t mean people can’t see them. Um hello, the people with a password can still see them! And please, like its too hard to hack into anything these days, look at how many times people are hacking into Paris’ phone or Lindsay Lohan’s MySpace, this shit happens.

I feel like this is all a publicity attempt though, first of all, her platform is Internet Safety for kids. Now as someone who chooses this platform wouldn’t a modicum of internet savviness be a prerequisite??? Like, um, knowing that anyone can find out anything about you on the FUCKING INTERNET SO STOP MAKING IT EASIER BY POSTING STUPID NON-SEXY PICTURES???

And now she’s all embarrassed and shit and she goes on the Today Show and not surprisingly she’s kind of a moron (she is from Jersey). How does she go on TV and show a picture of her boyfriend biting her breast and her caption is “but he’s really intelligent”. WTF does that mean? I think we can rest easy that she’s not hatching a more complicated scheme to get attention. I think we’ve hit maximum brain power here.

And finally, the *ransom* demand. No one knows who is behind this which is odd because I can’t imagine a rocket scientist was behind this lame attempt at bribery (she has to give up her crown or else they go public?!) and if they do find out who did this I bet it’ll be because the person behind it was laughing their ass off in a bar and spills the beans. But seriously, something tells me this is going to be as fruitful a search as OJ’s search for Nicole and Ron’s killer.

In conclusion, just like OJ, SHE DID IT.

ps, is anyone else also bothered by how self serving her *message* has been lately? Oh poor me, don't be like me, I'm a victim. UGH, just die already.

iPHONE CRAP

Don't you want to hurt this butt pirate??

A KETCHUP POPSICLE?!

Ugh, why am I seeing things like “Paris served more time than Scooter Libby will” and “Nicole Ritchie could serve 5 days in jail, why was Paris’ sentence longer” and its like “enough already!”. Doesn’t this lazy, entitled, useless, no-selling waste of space take up enough of our thoughts and time?! Now we’re going to fucking idolize her as the Nelson Mandela of our time? Like she’s the fucking Gandhi (not fucking Gandhi, but like fucking Gandhi, oh forget it!) of our generation?! Give me a fucking break, send this bitch back to her shitty “mansion” in Hollywood and leave us alone. I can’t take her fucking busted up wonky face, or her baby doll voice or her stupid "thoughts from jail" any longer. Consider this your warning Paris, if I see you, I will get you and make you pay for being you.

UPDATE: Ok this is ridiculous, I just noticed on my Hotmail inbox, where it shows you how much space you are using it says "Supersize your Inbox - Thats Hot!". this is just too much, now companies are actually using her phrases from 3 years ago to market email inboxes?! What kind of world is this?! I'm so shooting something right now.

HOW MANY ABODIGINALS DO YOU SEE MODELING?

I was out the other night doing some light socializing (10 vodka & soda’s/1 tequila shot/2 PBR’s) and one of the people in the group I was with was this Australian guy and I gotta say, pretty disappointing. Not once did he say “g’day mate” or a "let's put another shrimp on the barbi!" (even though we baited him by talking about Aussie restaurants and eating alligator) or order a Foster’s or even show us his machete which we all know from the movies he carries in his boot! WTF? If you can’t live up to the stereotyping of your nation and culture then how am I supposed to know how to insult you correctly?! I didn’t know if I should give him shit for Tony Blair being such a pussy or ask him why his people keep raping and pillaging the Aborigines! (We settled on the Aborigines but apparently we were actually talking about the Maori’s so I still insulted someone. New Zealand maybe?) Anyway don’t expect me to learn pesky things like “facts” about your country, like most patriotic citizens; I prefer to get my knowledge from things like TV commercials and maps that double as placemats at IHOP.

America, FUCK YEAH!

THE OPPOSITE OF SEXY

Rachel Ray is so annoying, I hate those Dunkin Donuts commercials, who says things like "delish!" and "fantabulous!"???? No one, that's who!

TOP TEN: WOMEN SHAPED LIKE LINEBACKERS

In the continuing series of Top Tens:



Top 10 Women Shaped Like Linebackers

1. Jessica Biel - I think we all know how I feel about this one
2. Mariah Carey - 10 pounds of sausage in a 5 pound sack
3. Janet Reno - I can't tell the difference between her and when Will Ferrell plays her
4. Hillary Clinton - CANCKLES
5. Fergie - ugh she's just gross
6. Serena & Venus Williams - great tennis players but they could easily take on Tiki & Ronde Barber and win
7. Samantha Ronson - she's just fucking ugly, maybe she's not a linebacker, but she could totally be that guy that just kicks the ball for the 7th point
8. Kimora Lee Simmons - christ, you see the neck rolls on this beast?!
9. Kim Kardashian - that ass is so ridiculous, you could park a bike in it.

As always feel free to leave your nominees in the comments section.

BOOB TUBE

I turned on the tv to listen to something while I do some work and the only show that is not a reality show is some crap on the CW and when I say "crap" I mean "shit". One of the characters is played by Sharon Lawrence who was great on NYPD Blue but her character on this show is joke! She's this aging single mom with a teenage son and from the looks of it, a teenage boyfriend who is WAY too goodlooking for her, and she's a total fucking tramp! She has loud sex with him with her son in the next room, a totally ridiculous Texan accent mixed with some breathy babydoll-ness and the lines! I can't even get into them just suffice it to say I burst out laughing at several unintentionally hilarious dialogue. I can't believe shows like this get made.

SWEET FANCY MOSES

Why can't these celebrities dance? Paris and Nicki Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan, and now, Bai Ling. In my day people knew how to dance and if they didn't, they stayed against the wall or they just didn't go out. Nowadays, these girls just lick a stripper pole and imitate an epileptic seizure and they call that dancing?! THAT'S DANCING?! And correct me if I'm wrong, but these girls don't actually do much of anything right? Sure they're in a stinker of a movie every now and then, but they spend most of their time half naked and drunk at clubs laughing at everyone else, don't they? You'd think they'd pick up some rhythm just by osmosis, right? Or at the very least they'd realize that they were terrible dancers and stop assaulting our eyes with these "moves". How are their friends not laughing their asses off when they see this? How is the person holding this camera not rolling around the floor in hysterics? Elaine with the "Little Kicks" is better at dancing than these fools.

HELL'S LAME-O KITCHEN

Is it me or are the people in Hell's Kitchen even more inept than usual?? You know you are going to be on the show, start fucking preparing for it! I mean Hell's Kitchen is the same food every season, risotto, beef wellington, spaghetti. If it was me, I'd spend as much time as possible perfecting these dishes so that Chef Ramsey isn't screaming expletives in my face on a constant basis! And Aaron. I'm sorry but that goofy fat boy had no reason to be on that show, I have no idea what their screening process is, but someone had to have noticed that he's not up for the challenge, that there was no way he'd be running a kitchen by himself, in the 3 episodes that he was in, I don't think I saw him do any work, let alone lead! Whenever he got work, he would start sweating and then pass out.

What about all the wasted food?? I mean every episode they are throwing out thousands of dollars of food and most times the people on the show are even being fed! This season is the first time that the restuarant has been closed without people being fed* and it's happened TWICE. They shut down the kitchen on the first episode and the third episode people just started walking out! How can this be? Don't these people already having kitchen experience? Don't most of them run a kitchen? I'd be fucking embarrassed if I was on this show. I've worked in kitchens before, and we wouldn't even think to shut down, the worst night we had, we'd stay as late as we had to to get out every dinner. Half your kitchen didn't show up? Tough. No meat delivery? Go to the store and get it. Run out of your entire appetizer section? Make something up. We never shut down, NEVER.

I think they need to to do a better job of getting people on the show, I know there are better chefs out there, I'm sick of the stupid rivalries, I want to see some fucking cooking! I don't want to see your ass crying all day because you can't fucking assemble a caeser salad and you got yelled at. That's fucking kid shit, I want to see you butchering a cow or making cheese from scratch. I want super reality Hell's Kitchen. And for all you people saying "oh he's so meeeeeean", grow up. I once had a chef throw a butcher knife at me. Let's see Ramsey top that.

*To my knowledge, I took a very informal poll of people who watched earlier seasons and no on can remember this happening.

I LOVE A FREEBIE!

FRESHDIRECT, WHY DO YOU TEASE ME SO???

You know it seems like every time I order from FreshDirect they are out of one thing on my list. And the thing is, what they are out of isn't even that big of a deal - but once I find that I can't have it - it becomes the most urgent and important dietary requirement I can think of. Once it was Abbeye de Belloc cheese, I can get that at Stinky up the block from me! And it's CHEAPER!! Another time it was organic avocados. I was so obsessed with having those fucking avocados that I actually went out and bought avocados. What happened to them you ask? I just threw them away this weekend, 4 weeks after I bought them, so rotten that the skin was barely keeping it all together. Today they are out of the blueberry scones I ordered. I DON'T EVEN EAT SCONES!!!!! They're too dry unless you put butter on them and then it needs like a pound of butter and that's too much butter to be eating all at once and I only ordered them because a friend of mine wouldn't shut up about how amazing they were and how she had a "sleepover" with a "friend" and she popped them in the oven the next morning and they were so good and her "friend" was so complimentary of them. So basically I bought them hoping to lure a man back to my place when everyone knows I'm just going to end up throwing them out in two years. I can just see it "hey, do you like butter or jam?" "Why, you ask?" "Because I want to know how you take your scone in the morning." I'm pathetic.

BEWARE: GUARD TURTLE

This turtle is hot shit, I want to hire it as my bodyguard!

PLASTIC SURGERY NIGHTMARE

If I see one more fucking picture of Heidi Montag frolicking on the beach in a bikini, I am going to start paying a visit to all these gossip sites headquarters with my friend, Remington 12 gauge. Her, and that fug ass boyfriend and those cheap ass implants and the rest of her stupid plastic surgeries. How much self loathing does a person have to have to get a nose job, chin job, boob job (and god knows what else) in one sitting?! She might as well kill herself because she's never going to be pretty enough. Also, for someone who seems to spend days on end at the beach, how is she so pasty?? And now because I can't bring myself to post a picture of her nasty ass (which would actually negate the power of this rant) please enjoy this video of a monkey giving head. Smooches!

HA - HA

YOU'RE THE GREATEST!

You know, everyone gives Bush a hard time about the Iraq war (we won that*, right?) but let’s give credit where it’s due, he’s responsible for so much more trouble than just the war. Like for instance, apparently people think that because the village idiot can be elected to run a nation, why not them? The sky’s the limit for some of these buffoons. No janitor positions for them, no driving a cab! Just because you've heard of the Declaration of Independence, have some money and belong to a protected minority doesn’t make you presidential material (does it?). Here’s a halfhearted recap of some of the rocket scientists that want to run our country. I can’t wait to see the brain trust that comes out of this.

Hillary Clinton – wants to be the first “Menstruating American” running the White House. Who are we kidding, more like the first “Menopausal American”. Peace treaty summit talks will break down completely when Hilly gets a hot flash and starts rubbing up against Kim Yong-Il. And Bill, I love you Bill, but come on, are we really to believe that you’ll be relegated to picking out china patterns and curtain samples and setting up dinners for 200?? What a come down, I feel for you Bubba, you better start lining up some tail so you don’t feel completely emasculated when you see your wife sitting in the chair you used to occupy. I mean seriously, do they think this will work?? It’s like when the husband makes less money than the wife. You try to be big about it but fuck - that smarts! I think this is how serial killers start out.

Barack Obama – I think it’s great that he wants to be the first black president, but here’s a tip for him. Lots of votes come from Middle America - which happens to also be where lots of racists live, now I’m not sure if they’d vote for a white woman over a black man because they’re also sexist, but here’s a surefire way to say “hey, I’m a dude, just like you!”. Get photographed making sexy time with an Asian woman. If you a pick a white woman they’ll lynch you, if you pick a black woman, they’ll just confuse her with your wife. Trust me; nothing is more presidential than sleeping with cheap Asian hookers. Unless Paris Hilton is around (and then the white thing is moot), I think she could be the next Marilyn. Do you have a brother who likes to share women and a boat??

Rudy Giuliani – Um, apparently if your only political experience is being mayor and also doing things like marrying your FIRST cousin are no longer deterrents on the road to the White House! God Bless America! What makes this all the more ridiculous is that he is currently the GOP front runner! Are you fucking kidding me, what happened to good Republican morals and repression and hatred of all things 21st century? Marrying 3 times, having a wife who was married 2x, living with gay men, being pro-choice, are we sure this elephant isn’t an ass?

John McCain – Didn’t this clown die in a war? I know most of America is stupid but I really can’t see them electing a corpse to be president, senator I can see, but President HA - that’s more a premise for the next “Weekend at Bernie’s”. Oh that’s a good idea; I’m going to sell that.

Mitt Romney – Let’s give it up for Mormons! Besides the polygamy practiced in this “religion” does anyone know anything else about Mormonism? I know more about Scientology and that’s just from reading gossip, I mean for all we know they could endorse bestiality and line dancing! And just because Big Love has a few viewers it does not mean America wants you in the White House, marrying your wife’s sisters and having 50 inbred brats sacrificing chickens. Although I bet the parties would be pretty cool.

John Edwards – how much you want to bet he’s hoping his wife dies of cancer before the elections so he can count on the sympathy votes (and my marriage proposal - hubba hubba!)? Huh? How MUCH????

I know there are a lot more of these idiots, Russ Feingold (I went to kindergarten with a kid named Russ who ALWAYS yanked my hair really hard (thanks for the fucking pigtails, MOM!) and whenever I would complain to the teacher she would just say “oh he just likes you “ (yeah, enough to fucking assault me on a daily basis, bitch, I should have sued you, you dumb cow) and then one day I had had enough and I hauled back and punched him in the face as hard as I could and of course I get into trouble and my mother has to drive me down to school to see the teacher about putting me into the afternoon classes and as we are driving to the school I’m leaning against the car door and I FALL OUT and my mother KEEPS GOING until the end of the block when she realizes that the door is wide open and I’m laying on the street…) and that’s why I hate you Russ, Bill Richardson, Joe Biden, Tommy Thompson, Chris Dodd, but these guys have no chance of making it, so why even bother making fun of them? They’re like Prince Harry, sure, they COULD be King, but you’d have to smite your father and brother to get there first and I don’t think these guys have the nuts to hurt anyone, let alone kill them. Besides, Hillary is built like a brick shithouse, I’ve never seen stouter ankles on a “woman”.

Frankly, I’m going to vote for Fred Thompson, even if he ends up not being on the ballot I’m going to write his name in, I love Law & Order, he looks presidential (just look at that picture, stern yet patriotic) and he seems like a stand up guy on TV and if you can’t trust what you see on TV, THEN THE TERRORISTS WIN**. Even though we already won*.

**As I was putting the finishing touches on this post someone sent me a picture that someone they know, drew, and it had the “then the terrorists win” line which means this is now as annoying a phrase as “don’t you know you there’s a war going on?” (to which I say no, since we already won*) and I was going to take it out of my post but then I figured fuck it, he didn't invent the phrase but now its annoying me so when I use it, it will simply be to irritate myself. That’s right, irritate, like a hot rash. Or pepper in your nose. Or allergies. That's it, irritate me baby, right there, that’s the spot, ooooooohhhhh yeah, if this is wrong, I don't want to be right....

DUBYA WAS LOOTED!!

OMG, I just read that GW Bush had been pickpocketed in Albania, someone stole his watch while he was gladhanding! Why do I find this hilarious? It's up there with him choking on a pretzel and hitting his head, or falling off his bike and segway (see above).

See the link for pickpocket pictures.

WHAT HAPPENED?!

I'm flipping through the channels and since the battle I've been waging with Time Warner is still ongoing, its a grand total of 4 of them, not including several Spanish channels which I watch even though my Spanish is limited to ordering cervezas, tacos and the occasional margarita. Anyhoo, I landed on NCIS and what the hell is going on with Lauren Holly these days? She looks like a recovering cancer patient*. Her lips are so thin and her skin is so papery looking, I think its going to start tearing and that hair!! Who the hell is her hairdresser, Britney Spears?! It looks like someone hacked at it with switchblade! (btw, that picture is kind of old, the hair is much shorter now.) Wasn't she hot once??

*I'm going to feel really bad about this post if she actually is recovering from cancer, kind of like Rosie O'donell did after she ranked on Anna Nicole and then she turned up dead that day.

TOP 10: LIES

I'm starting a new series that will be published erratically, and not always consist of 10 items. The first in this series is:

Top Ten Lies

1 - What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. - um yeah, this doesn't work so well when your friends have big mouths and you have a marriage license that comes back to haunt you!
2 - I'll call you. - do we even have to list this one?
3 - It tastes like chicken! - please, if it tasted like chicken it would be called chicken. Something called "beaver ass" is NOT going to taste like chicken!
4 - Don't worry, they'll love you! - nope, they won't,what they will be doing though is judging you and talking about you behind your back.
5 - It's easy, if I can do it, anyone can! - no, its never that easy, because if we all could do it, then wouldn't we already be doing it?!
6 - Some assembly required. - yeah if "some" means 3 weeks of you frantically trying to match up that pile of sticks on the floor to the picture on the box and then crying into an empty bottle of Jack Daniels that you're useless and then putting an ad on Craiglist that says "Free Sticks, you must pick them up, look for the house with the sticks being thrown out the window."
7 - Your newborn baby is so cute! - ugh, newborns are not cute, they all look like wrinkled, red, old men, regardless of the sex. And the ones that are born with a full head of hair are even scarier!
8 - I read the Wall Street Journal every morning. - ok, even if this is not a lie, it's so douchey that you don't want to believe people you know actually say things like this.
9 - I never look at porn. - Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, you have a computer but you've never "accidentally" let your mouse click on any porn sites. I may have been born at night, but it wasn't last night!

That's all I have for now, but feel free to leave your top lies in the comments section so I can snigger over how stupid they are!

TEXT MESSAGE LUNACY (Con't from previous post)

Going through my text messages as per my earlier posting, I came across these ones. Some background: I was dating this guy for a few months and we broke up about a little over a month ago over text message (its ok to break up like this if you're an asshole like me, I looked it up).

Me on Weds: hey, what are you doing this weekend, do you want to get together?

Him on Weds: not sure, might go to LI to see the fam.

Me on Weds: ok, I’m going to make plans then, have fun!

Him on Fri: hey, did you make plans for the weekend yet?

Me on Fri: I have plans for tonight and tentative plans for tomorrow. Why. What’s up?

Him on Fri: I thought we could hang out, I’m not going to LI.

Me on Fri: Well let’s hang out tomorrow then, I’ll cancel my other plans.

Me on Sat: hey it’s so nice out, do you want to go to this Chinese festival downtown?

Him on Sat: I’m buying a treadmill.

Me on Sat: um ok, so what are we doing tonight?

Him: I think I’m just going to lay low.

(Me, totally fucking fuming because WTF is this shit?!?!?! You make me cancel plans to DO NOTHING?!?! My annoyance level is at RED.)

Me: Why don’t you lay low for good? I don’t need your passive aggressive shit.

Him: Fuck you.

(ok motherfucker, you want to play that game?! Well Fuck YOU and fuck your MOTHER too!). I didn’t text that, when people respond like that, the immaturity of it wakes me up and makes me realize that “I’m so much better than you and this is why I’m dumping you”.

So three weeks go by and I get a text from him one night:

Him: Hey kiki, what’s up? Just wanted to say hi!

Me: *delete message*

Then another 2 weeks go by (and that brings us up to this past weekend) and I get:

Him: Hey kiki, how are things?

Me: (mild annoyance now, don’t you get it, I’m ignoring you?) Hey, I’m fine.

Him: Oh good, how’s work?

Me: Look, not to be presumptuous here, but if you think we are going to be friends, I just don’t see it happening. You were extremely rude to me, last we spoke.

Him: Well you’ve said things to me that have hurt my feelings in the past and I didn’t say anything.
WTF?? Is he kidding me?! What kind of man is this? How is it I attract these momma’s boys, these losers, these men that are children still?? This is a grown fucking 40 year old man texting me about his hurt feelings from months ago!! GET OVER IT, YOU FUCKING 'MO!!!

Oh and *delete message*.

THE "L" WORD

I think I may have found someone who might be more losery than me (yay!). I was deleting text messages in my phone the other day and I came across like 50 in a row of them from my friend who is moving from CA to NY. Here’s a random sampling, you be the judge (well I’ll judge her too; being judgmental is my “thing”):

“Stupid bird won’t stop singing” – received at 5:35 AM, her time. On a SATURDAY!! Who is so alert on a Sat. morning at that time that a bird wakes them up?! And unless you need some advice on how to kick out that possible herpes infection you invited home last night, there is no reason you should be texting ME at that hour! I mean its 8:30 here; I’m still sleeping one off!

“Ugh, why is tomato on a BLT?” Um… seriously??

“What kinds of clothes do you guys wear there?” She means to the office, she has a new job in NY and she’s apparently lost her fucking mind in CA and cannot understand that people just. wear. clothes. to the office, JUST LIKE IN CALIFORNEEEEEEEE! So I respond that it’s pretty fucking hot and basically people wear anything that’s acceptable and she texts back the following:

“Like cotton pants? Can I wear those?” Are you kidding me? (You know once I asked someone if they were kidding me as a rhetorical question, mainly to underscore the idiocy of her request and not only did she respond but the response was “no, I’m not kidding”. Totally deadpan and like she was about to cry. I don’t ask that question out loud anymore, I’m afraid of getting another response.) I mean first off, WTF are ‘cotton pants'?! and secondly, how does a 34 year old woman who has always lived in urban areas and claims that Barneys is her “happy place” say the phrase “cotton pants”??? HOOOOOOOOOW, Dear God?!