1800 KILL ME!

These commercials are in heavy rotation here in Cali and they are sooo irritating! This woman's voice makes me long for the sweet sounds of nails on a blackboard, and seriously are people this fucking stupid that they'd rather live with rotting teeth than see a dentist??

TAPPA TAPPA TAPPA

I really hate it when people bring laptops into meetings. You call a meeting and someone's tapping away, obviously they aren't paying attention to whatever the moderator is saying. Why even bother to come?? I don't allow them in meetings I call, but other people do and I think they should ban them. Fucking rude!

LICK IT AND STICK IT

I was just walking back from Starbucks and this guy said to me "now you have someone to lick on.". He was talking about my dog. WTF?!

ANYTHING FOR RATINGS

You know, I can't help get the feeling that this is all a calculated ploy to get people to see this shitty ass movie. The promoters are like "ok, someone has to take a hit for this movie, Kevin Costner won't do it, so let's give Kelsey a stroke." They would have killed him but they realized that even dead, people wouldn't see this stinker! I see a dangerous hollywood trend.

I suggest they start with reality show stars first.

CABBAGE - THE OTHER LETTUCE

In yet another "these people are so fucking weird" post, I've never seen cabbage used so much as I have since I moved to SF. In burritos, as a side dish, in sandwiches instead of lettuce - s it's fucking everywhere! It's so fucking weird.

YO QUiERO TACO BELL, NO MAS!

Have you seen this from report from the CDC ? Is it me or is the CDC working working with GW on a new plan to keep our borders protected? First its tomatoes, then jalapenos and serrano peppers and now cilantro?? This is a devious plan to scare the shit out of us and turn us against Mexicans. What's next, corn tortillas??

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME

Um, I just saw a woman wearing ear muffs. WTF?? EARMUFFS? IN CALIFORNIA?? These people are so fucking weird.

PIECEOFSCHMIDT

I really hate the voices on the first season of Family Guy. Especially Lois'. It's so nasal and condescending.

WHAT'S A'HAPPENIN' HOT STUFF

I find it odd? Ironic? Redundant?? That San Francisco, a city that in my admittedly non-scientific poll is like 200% asian has a Chinatown. And a Japantown. There'd be less asian people if you went to China!

GIVE A HOOT...

This is most likely going to get me on a 'watch' list somewhere but I have to share my every thought with you, Dear Diary.

There have been all these wildfires raging all over California and depending on the wind you can smell them in San Francisco (where I live). The other morning I went out for a run and I guess the wind was just right because there was this heavenly scent of burning grasses and wood and my first thought was "oh how lovely" and I inhaled deeply, because it reminded me of fires we'd build as a family at our cabin and sit around and tell stories and then when I got back I was watching the news and they were saying how it was all those forest fires and then I felt bad for liking the smell because acres of land on fire is not good and all those poor animals who couldn't get to a red cross shelter fast enough are being barbequed alive, and then (this is really shameful) I went out and smelled it some more. I mean its not like it smelled a crematorium or ground zero, it was such a nice woodsy smell. Anyway if you don't hear from me, send out the guard, I've probably been kidnapped by some lunatic fringe "smokey the bear" sect.

CALL ME OLDE-FASHIONED...

I was watching a show a few days ago and there was this one scene where the woman was "seducing" a man and she started eating spaghetti with her fingers. Have I missed something here? Eating a saucy strand of pasta with your fingers is not sexy to me, its laziness! Do you not have a fork? There are so many other foods out there that you can eat with your fingers, strawberries, chicken nuggets, I'll even give you peanut butter! But spaghetti??? It just isn't done!

SOMETIMES I HATE PEOPLE JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE UGLY

YEAH THAT'S MY GIRL

I came across this clip today, I love this movie!

WHO NEEDS A CLEAN SLATE?

I'm packing all my shit and I gotta say, I have a lot of shit. I came across an old Billy Doll, where the hell did that come from?! I have about 6 broken remotes and basically every phone I've ever owned. I found shoes that were so old they were dried out and the soles curling up. And there is like 2 feet of dust bunnies in the backs of all my closets. I hate packing, the backs of closets were meant for this stuff, I wish I could just leave all of it and set this place on fire!

I HATE YOU

You know when you come across some obscure piece of information like the Jackson 5 were all hermaphrodites and you share it with people, isn't there always that one annoying guy who is like "oh, yeah, they ALL were" like you're a fucking idiot for not knowing it. I hate that guy.

THE TRUTH HURTS

Yesterday I was walking from work to the subway and there was a whole gang of girls hanging outside this project or whatever it is and one of them says to me "you ugly". I wasn't even looking at her, she just passed me and said that. I thought that was uncalled for, she was no beauty either. I was going to say "so are you" but I was afraid she'd beat my ass and put it on youtube.

BIG NEWS

So it's official, I am moving to San Francisco! One of the divisions within my company offered me a position and I took it! I'm leaving in a few weeks so things are moving fast now! Anyway, don't fret, I'll still update from there, I'm pretty sure they have the internet in California.

I'D RATHER WATCH MILF ISLAND

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

KEEPING UP WITH KARDASHIANS - OW OW OW OW OW

This is so close to the real show, it's hard to tell them apart.

HART'S SEAFOOD

The werewolf bar-mitzvah buffet

WHERE IN THE WORLD IS: MY PACKAGE??

I fucking hate Amazon.com, they are totally useless. They say "get it tomorrow if you order in the next 7 hours and choose next day shipping" so I do that and pay over $9 in shipping when I could get it for free and then next day, no package! So I check my order and it says "delivery estimate March 31st" and now today, no fucking package. So I just checked my account again and it says "delivery estimate April 2nd". Now I'm not fucking retarded, I know how to read the fine print, I've ordering shit online for years and I know all the shipping scams and I have just had it! I mean do they think that because they can change it anytime they want to then they are not bound to their policies? Fucking bullshit. I'm so peeved. Don't shop at Amazon ever again!

THIS IS SO WRONG

EXCUSES

Ok, one of my employees just used the "I have bad cramps" excuse to get to work late, is it me or is that excuse a little dated? I mean you use that to get out of gym class in 8th grade, not to be an hour late to work! Just say you overslept or something, right?

ANOTHER THING THAT IS DEAD TO ME

How the fuck is this gossip and NOT self promotion?!?! I am so fucking over Page 6!

Just Asking Makes '30 Rock'
PAGE Six will be featured prominently in the April 10 episode of "30 Rock," the first show taped after the writers' strike ended. Network boss Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin) is watching the season finale of his hit reality show, "MILF Island" - where the final two MILFs, Debra and Deborah, battle it out - and riding high on this programming feat, when he is blindsided by a blind item on Page Six. A staffer at the network's fictional "The Girlie Show" had called Donaghy a "class-A moron." Bad timing, since Jack is in the running for chairman and had high hopes that the success of "MILF Island" would help him seal the deal. In an effort to identify the disloyal employee, Donaghy forces Jonathan (Maulik Pancholy) to turn up the heat in the writers' room until one of them breaks.

I WANTS

Please buy this t-shirt for me!!!

WINNERS???

Why does God do this? Those gross women do not deserve to win over 276 million dollars, they have no IDEA what to do with it! I on the other hand have many good ideas, such as buying a solid gold helicopter and hiring someone to make me smoothies all day. That's what you do with sudden inexplicable wealth. They'll probably do something sensible like pay off mortgages and put together college funds. UGH. And why are the winners always a group of unnattractive people from the middle of America who work in canning factories or bowling alleys. It's just not fair.

MR F

I was watching one of those movie critic shows the other day and they were interviewing Charlize Theron and all I have to say is she's lucky she's pretty. She came off as a stuttering, mumbling, bumbling buffoon. I'm not sure she actually completed a sentence through the whole interview.

A TRICK IS SOMETHING A WHORE DOES FOR MONEY...OR COCAINE!

I have a bit of a cold today, just stuffy and foggy headed but that makes everything like 1000x more annoying. Like our MIS guy. He's totally fucking useless on a good day (which in his world starts at 10:30 and ends at 4, with a 90 minute break for lunch in between) but today he's really going for some prize. We have to "ticket" everything that we need fixed so I sent a ticket last week to get my voicemail password reset since I can't remember mine. No one responded so I sent another update on the ticket yesterday and I saw that someone assigned it to him but still no reset. Then I sent another different ticket because my Treo hasn't been synching correctly since daylight savings time and he didn't look at that ticket either! So I see him this morning and he's like a fucking terrified chihuhua when he speaks to me, shaking and fumbling with his hat in his hands and its like MAN THE FUCK UP! Look me in the eye and tell me you're fixing my shit. That's all I want to hear, I don't give a good fuck that you got in late or you missed my ticket or that someone else was supposed to do it! Just get it done! Excuses are for pussies. And that brings to me to today's post. hulu.com. It's a great site for tv and movies (its legal which means there are ads in between the shows but still worth it). I am watching some soothing Veggie Tales movie now. They also have all 3 seasons of Arrested Development and if you haven't watched that show, you have no excuse now. There will be a quiz next week.

SEX IS NATURAL, SEX IS FUN

So our old governor was sleeping with hookers and now our new governor had an affair while he was married (can you have an affair if you're not married? Does "affair" cover it all so saying "while married" is redundant? Does it matter?). I was going to write this whole rant about how americans should take a page from other sexier countries and be less of a prude and stop caring so much about people having sex, whether it be extramarital, a threesome with your driver, NSA craigslist hookups, what have you. But then I started ranting with other people and realized that not everyone is so hung up on this as the NYPost is. So I will spare you the full rant.

IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE "FRIENDS" ANYMORE?

Is it me or are men just naturally greedy assholes? I'm talking now in a business sense but I'm sure it can be applied to other things. Here's the deal. About a year or so ago I had this idea for a reality show. I was talking to a friend of mine and literally before I could get a whole fucking thought out this guy was trying to shake me down for percentages and shit! I mean he did say that he knew an agent who could help us but he had me roped into a verbal contract before I could even think about it, let alone agree! Then the other night I was talking to another friend about a website idea that I had and the same fucking thing! Before I could finish my whole idea he was hiring staff and wondering how to get VC funding and of course, wanting 50% of the business! I did some research over the weekend and it looks like there are already patents out there for this type of site so it's pretty much DOA now, so I emailed him this morning and "fired" him so to speak, but he hasn't responded, I just hope to fucking god he hasn't told anyone, I mean when I say he was hiring people, he was, he was talking about meetings next week and frankly these were not people I'd hire. Even though this idea might not pan out, I could use it down the road to fashion something else and if he's blabbing all over town, I can't have that! I just don't trust this guy, he sent me a text over the weekend and I asked him again to NDA himself and he stopped texting me and now I emailed him and he's not responding, I just hope he's not responding because he's already told people, it would confirm that my suspicious were right and that would be disappointing.

I guess it just hurts my feelings that the first thing men see when they talk to me are dollar signs and how to capitalize off my ideas, it'd be ok if we were business people but we're supposed to be friends. I talk to my girlfriends about stuff like this and they're like "oooh good idea" and they'll expand on the idea, they're not trying to get me to give them IPO shares and my first born!!

NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pTtzFTJnkA&feature=related

Ok, I know I'm going to get a lot of shit about this but this video isn't that bad. Her song still sucks smelly donkey vadge but the anime in this is pretty cool. I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume she didn't have anything to do with this since I don't see any crusty wigs, chicken bones, bad skin or Adnan. Anyway, feel free to bash me but remember, sticks and stones bitches! P&K OUT!

OK, this fucking song is growing on me!

BITCH IS THE NEW BLACK

I know this is a few weeks old but I still like it so I'm sharing with you.

http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/#mea=221773

Added bonus: When Oldies Attack!

http://www.glumbert.com/media/anchorreporter

WTFF?!?!?!?!

Why the fuck are these people dancing around??? ITS A FUCKING DISPOSABLE CUP!!! STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING DANCING FOOL FUCKTARD AND GO TO WORK!!

I'M A FUCKING STEAMROLLER!!

This whole Eliot Spitzer/hooker/money laundering scandal is just too much for me to bear! Ok, true confession time, I kind of have a tiny crush on him! He's just so badass and mean and that foul mouth, what a dreamboat! haha Anyway I do think he's kind of stupid to get caught up like this, I mean for a guy who spent most of his AG career breaking up these types of prostitution rings you'd think he'd be a little smarter about how he worked it.

The point of this post is that I am hearing the most ridiculous things now. Some people think he was framed which is odd that they'd really believe that considering he ADMITTED IT, is currently hammering out a plea deal and has STEPPED DOWN FROM OFFICE!! Sure, innocent, intelligent people who know how laws work would admit to a career ending hooker scandal just to save everyone the pain of having to investigate it and clear their name. Yeeeah, that makes TOTAL sense.

And the other big one I keep hearing that is that he WANTED to get caught. It was a CRY FOR HELP! Are these people for fucking real? I mean what fantasy land are they all on? Did mars open up for business? The only thing he's crying about is being caught out. If he was trying to get help he'd tell his wife and family first NOT get caught up in a sting operation and then tell everyone. COME ON!!

RICK JAMES HAS TO BE PISSED ABOUT THIS

CODE RED!!

This is just the most ridiculous news story I've read, like, EVER! I mean who are these people making these comments?? It's fucking coffee people and it's not even good coffee, it's burnt overpriced shitty coffee. Personally, I'm shocked and appalled that people actually say these things. About coffee! And now I'm talking about it! Stop me!

YOUR SELLOUT IS INEVITABLE

All this Diablo Cody/Stuart Weitzman shit is really pissing me off. I'm not really all for corporate america, I think they take advantage of their employees and the rich keep getting richer and all that crap. But Ms. Cody, you agreed to wear these shoes, you knew they were made with real diamonds and were worth over 1 million dollars PER shoe! Even if it wasn't specifically written out for you and reiterated every fucking day into your precious little ears, did you think you'd be getting these shoes based on the fact that they liked you?! Did you not at all think that maybe this company would want to use your name and the prestige of the Oscars to promote their products? To act so naive really doesn't suit you, I would expect more street smarts from a former stripper and quite frankly you should be used to whoring yourself out - at least this time you're getting money/diamonds for it instead of cheeseburgers and condoms. I don't think for one second that she's being "indie cool" about this, I mean let's not forget the fact that she did accept the shoes in the first place, this is just her way of trying to cover up the pretty obvious fact that's she's on the path to selloutsville.

UPDATE: AH HAAAAA!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA I FUCKING KNEW IT! Read on dear reader(s).

I HAVE PICTURS OF KATE HUDSON....*EATING A SALAD*

This video validates all my rants about TMZ that I only share verbally and when drunk

MISTER CONTACTS

Mister Contacts is at it again, he texted me at 6:51 this morning for the work email addy of a friend of mine. Now I know he doesn't even LIKE this guy, I mean he brought him up last night and called him "gay" so WTF does he want his work addy for? I'm sure its for some "project" that he's doing that he doesn't know what he's doing so he needs help from people he barely knows or likes. Ugh. So I was like "I'll have to ask him if its ok ot give out his work info" and then he texted me back and was like "forget it, I found him on facebook". Why does this annoy me so much? Am I being totally unreasonable?

BAI LING...SINGS??

Could this bitch get anymore ridiculous??

GOSSIP GRANNIES

What is happening to the gossip at Page Six?? Some "boldface" names today - Fergie, the Dutchess of Pork, a friend of Bill Clintons', some lame Jimmy Kimmel last ditch attempt to stay relevent, Mikhail Baryshnikov, Anna Paquin, Lou Reed, Bill Irwin, Renée Fleming, Patrick Stewart, Star Jones, Michael Stipe and Alicia Keys buying a BLUE HANDBAG!!! Have Army Archerd and Liz Smith taken over this column now? It's terrible! I'm so disappointed.

GOOD TIMES

You know what's awesome?? When friends convince you to do stuff like put together a happy hour or throw a party and then they invite a ton of people which you then prepare for and then they decide not just to not show up, but to not tell you either. Those people are so fucking cool I wish they would die.

MY CONTACTS ARE BETTER THAN YOUR CONTACTS

I have a friend who uses all my friends to network with. I find it really irritating, even if I meet someone when we're out and he sees that I get their number, he always asks me to give it to him too so he can find them on facebook or text them. I don't want to be that person that gives out everyone's contact info!! No one will want to be friends with me. And this "networking" isn't even work related, I swear he just does it to see if any of them will go out with him and if not at least he looks like he has a lot of friends on facebook. This really fucking bothers me, to the point where I am not just not responding to his requests. I know that's immature but I feel like if he wants to network so badly he should fucking get his own contacts, right?!

KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS!

Bill Cosby was right!

ON A BED, ON THE FLOOR, ON A TOWEL BY THE DOOR...

I'm starting to love this guy!

SMALL PLATES

Sean Young getting all drunk and disorderly at the DGA is hilarious because I know that would totally be me! Read all about it here.

Why is Daniel Day Lewis all over this Heath Ledger thing, breaking down on Oprah, and then dedicating his SAG award to him? He didn't even KNOW him!! WTF, bandwagon much??

I was watching the news the other day and there was a fire in some warehouse that was huge and the teaser was "we don't have much information about the fire, but what we can say is there is a huge fire raging right now..." Are they serious? I mean we can see that its a fucking raging fire, why do we also have to be reminded of how stupid our newscasters are too?!

What is the deal with the fat guy from Lost? Its been like what, 3-4 years they've been out there? Why is he still so fat? I would think being stranded on an island would be good for the old waistline, what is he trapping and eating out there? PS, i don't know who amber is, but apparently she's having a party. woo hoo.

FAFA RULES MY LIFE

i'm part of this celebrity fantasy league on fafarazzi.com and its really annoying me how everyone claims i'm the celebrity gossip queen yet i'm in 8th fucking place and everytime i go to pick up a celebrity to add to my team, someone else has beaten me to it!!! I'm like obsessed with this game and i swear the second i have to go do some work, something big happens and i miss out on the points!! ARRRGGGG it's driving me crazy! Anyway, here's my crappy team, it changes every day though.

I HATE...

I find it really irritating that people answer their cells phones at places like work and the doctors office and restaurants, when they have no idea who is calling them. I mean is their curiousity so great that they can't just push the call to VM?? Is their need to beloved only validated and confirmed by how many phone calls they get? Why do I (and everyone within hearing distance of you) have to be subjected to hearing you repeatedly say "hello?? Who is this? How did you get my number? I think you have the wrong number. No, its ok, I dial the wrong number all the time! Ok, you have a great day too!". ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????

Internet Party: When Google's parents leave town...

Facebook is exactly as annoying as i imagined it to be! And how awesome "the 6th most underrated smurf is..." haha

I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE, ALL OVER AGAIN!

THIS IS WHY I'M STILL SINGLE!!

It was my birthday weekend and I went out to dinner with some friends on Sat night and since they were bringing thir SOs, I invited a guy friend I know. Mainly he got the invite because he recently moved a few blocks away from the restaurant we were going to and he'd been bugging me to see his new place for the past few months and I figured I'd kill two birds with one stone.

So we go to dinner and after him making a few innappropriate comments we decide to go to a bar down the block for drinks and shit. We get there and he immediately disappears for the whole time we are there! He doesn't even say anything, he just disappears and then later we see him trying to talk to a girl. So I am like "what a rude motherfucker!" and we end up leaving at like 11:30 which he doesn't notice until midnight. Anyway, I haven't spoke to him since that, I never responded to his texts, until today. This is excruciating but I have to share!

RudeGuy: sorry about the other night.....
RudeGuy: I hope all is well!
RudeGuy went idle at 3:22:36 PM.
RudeGuy returned at 3:23:54 PM.
RudeGuy went idle at 3:34:15 PM.
RudeGuy returned at 4:05:20 PM.
NiceBlogger_P&K: rudeguy, i think the way you left us the other night was incredibly rude. I have no issues if you met up with some friends and you told us that you wanted to hang out with them, but to just leave us like that, and not say anything and be gone the whole time from the second we arrived was shocking behavior.
NiceBlogger_P&K: but i'm not your parent, the way you behave is your doing, i'm not going to chastize you. Just suffice it to say that I apologize if i inadvertentally did something to offend you, or if someone else in the party did.
NiceBlogger_P&K: other than that i can't think of any reason why a person would act like that.
RudeGuy: wow.
RudeGuy: I was at the bar the whole time, I was just hitting on someone. It started going well....that's all. It lasted longer than I thought and when I walked up front you guys were gone.
RudeGuy: That never happens...or at least to me.
RudeGuy: it was just that kind on situation. I texted you when I left and didn't mean any harm.
RudeGuy: I thought you'd be making fun of me....I wasn't that far away.
NiceBlogger_P&K: kyle, we know you were hitting on some girl, we saw you the whole time
NiceBlogger_P&K: its not the fact that you were doing that
RudeGuy: lol
NiceBlogger_P&K: its the fact that you didn't think to be courteous and tell us that you met up with a friend tha tyou wanted to chat with
NiceBlogger_P&K: you realize that it was my birthday?
RudeGuy: are you kidding?
NiceBlogger_P&K: just really rude, i don't think i want to be friends with someone that values chatting up a strange girl at a bar over a friend. and i'm not being dramatic, i think you should have said "hey, i'm chatting up a girl' and we would have understood, you could have even texted it to me, you didn't have to leave her
RudeGuy: I so didn't realize that....at all.
RudeGuy: wow.
NiceBlogger_P&K: um, when tony and juliannne came in they wished me a happy birthday
NiceBlogger_P&K: i'm just really shocked right now
RudeGuy: wow.
RudeGuy: I'm not sure what to say. I apologized and I didn't mean to be rude to you.
RudeGuy: I felt like you were having fun with the gang and I didn't leave....I just went to the back to go to the can and then blamo. It wasn't a huge deal but it was just fun at a bar.
NiceBlogger_P&K: we were there for 90 minutes
NiceBlogger_P&K: and of course i was having fun with my friends, but you didn't even stop when we got there, you just went right to the back
NiceBlogger_P&K: whatever
RudeGuy: hey.
NiceBlogger_P&K: i don't want to debate this
RudeGuy: we are not.
RudeGuy: at all.
RudeGuy: I texted you to apologize.
RudeGuy: I'm not saying it was the best thing to do and sometimes I'm not perfect. I wasn't being hurtful at all. I do feel bad that you feel bad about it.
RudeGuy: I really didn't think you'd care at all.
NiceBlogger_P&K: you're really selfish
NiceBlogger_P&K: its all about you, right?
RudeGuy: wow.
NiceBlogger_P&K: you didn't think that maybe i'd want to hang out with you?
NiceBlogger_P&K: why would i invite you?
RudeGuy: I'm sorry, Kim.
NiceBlogger_P&K: you think i invite people out on my birthday so they can leave me?
RudeGuy: hey.....
RudeGuy: to be honest sometimes when we hang out.....
RudeGuy: I wish it was more.......but I know you want to be friends.
NiceBlogger_P&K: i can't even comprehend what you're saying,
RudeGuy: ok.
NiceBlogger_P&K: you're saying tha tyou want it to be more, and to prove that you'll ditch me on my birthday to talk to a random girl?
RudeGuy: that's not it at all.
NiceBlogger_P&K: how does that make sense with you?
RudeGuy: I'm trying to explain.
RudeGuy: we've never even had this much of a conversation.....or one this honest before.
RudeGuy: I just honestly thought you were bringing me as a friend.
NiceBlogger_P&K: I WAS
NiceBlogger_P&K: you're missing the whole point
NiceBlogger_P&K: the point isn't that you were talking to a girl
RudeGuy: I'm not totally.
RudeGuy: I know.
NiceBlogger_P&K: its that you didn't tell us that you were going to be doing that
NiceBlogger_P&K: that's it
NiceBlogger_P&K: that's all i wanted to say, i'm not mad, i'm just shocked
RudeGuy: Us?
NiceBlogger_P&K: us, me and my friends
RudeGuy: I mean I should have told you.
RudeGuy: well you were the most important.
RudeGuy went idle at 5:14:11 PM.
RudeGuy returned at 5:15:20 PM.
RudeGuy: Kim....I'm not perfect. I know that. We all have our moments.
RudeGuy: I didn't just leave and I should have thought of you.
RudeGuy: are you there?

TV, GOOD!!

I'm so psyched for a new 30 Rock tonight! Spooky, scary!

LET ME SMELL YO' DICK

Is this the best song they could have picked for a presidential hopeful to be dancing to on day time television????

I'M PRETTY SURE THIS IS REAL....

I AM ADDICTED TO THIS!

do you know if I can download as a rington? It's so effing catchy, I'm sure there is a dance mix out there already!

GOSSIP GIRLS: RANT 2

Ok, I know I've already ranted abut Gossip Girls but over the long shutdown from work, I've actually had to watch the Christmas episode. There were so many plot lines I couldn't keep track of everything but basically every one knows that Blair is a conniving, scheming(sp) bitch, so why does everyone want to know her? I don't get it. And then I saw the ecommercials for the new episode and its like where do these people get their writers from? It sounds like someone was reading a few too many Mario Puzo books. "Everyone keeps their mouth shut and no one gets hurt". Give me a break! How can people watch this crap??

OLD PEOPLE+ESCALTORS=NO!!

Old people should not be allowed to use escalators. Or moving sidewalks or subways. Or anything mechanical that requires a certain amount of dexterity and swiftness to operate correctly and safely. I'm always stuck in an old person pile-up on escalators and I'm gettting really annoyed with having to smell their mothball and vegetable soup body odor!

SUGARTITS

CHRISTMAS KITTIES

Someone has way too much time on their hands to put this together, I'll never listen to Silent Night the same again!

MRS. ROBINSON GOT LAID, RIGHT?

I was recently at an office happy hour and I got really drunk and after everyone left, I started making out with this guy that works at the same company, but is like 10 years younger than me. It was pretty embarrassing, and of course I would never actually date him or delude myself into thinking he's dateable, but it does annoy me that he waits for me to get drunk to maul me (this is actually the second time we've kissed, the first time he kissed me but also annoyed me so I was not into it and left before booze could start making decisions for me) but then never does anything else, like ask for my number or email or IM me. I mean what kind of freak is this?? I know, its so "the food here is terrible and there's too little of it!" but it is annoying.

I'D RATHER GET A PIECE OF COAL

There is a commercial on the TV here for WB Mason that is just so ridiculous. At first I thought that it was for package delivery services, but I think it might actually be for office supplies as an alternative to ipods and Guitar Hero for Christmas. Basically Santa can't deliver all the toys to kids because there is a huge snowstorm so then you see all these WB Mason trucks flying around and then two kids unwrapping presents by the christmas tree exclaiming "A stapler!!" "and pencils!!". WTF is wrong with this company, NO KID gets excited over getting office supplies for presents, do they really think that people will start buying each other shredders and binders?? Lame.

Get Creative, Can Do, Rock ON!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjLw28UVWEU

SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE!

I'm kind of glad Prince Harry and this beast broke up, she's massive! The face that SUNK a thousand ships, more like! (I know that's immature, I just want him to myself!)

WHY CAN'T WE JUST RELAX?

I don't get this show "Gossip Girls". These people are supposed to be in their teens yet they look like they're in they're 30's, the hair and makeup and expensive handbags, and their issues are just so lame when you see them being acted out by a person who looks like they could have given birth to a person who is the same age as the character they play. They seem so adult, its creepy. Why aren't they making bad fashion choices and going vegan because some gay singer they like is vegan?

And also why do they have so much drama? Maybe I just don't get teens anymore, but its like "chill, go experiment with dildos and eat ice cream". I mean, I'm almost (ALMOST!) twice their supposed age and I don't deal with half that shit. I don't know anymore. I just don't know.

SKANK

how does she get so much lipstick all over her teeth? Or maybe cum is red in Korea, who knows?!

FATTY, FATTY 2X4...

I'm sorry, but beth ditto is fucking gross. There is embracing your body and have a good self image and there is just obese. Seeing her stripped naked on a stage makes me sick to my stomach.

A LAPDANCE IS SO MUCH BETTER WHEN THE STRIPPER IS CRYING

This woman is such a fucking attention whore, I have no sympathy for her at all. I love my dog and would be heartbroken if someone stole her and really, no one is more sympathetic to people when this happens but first of all, she was in a fucking restaurant eating and tied the dogs up outside, then she offers a reward and goes on TV crying about how they mean everything to her and how she would pay anything and then she gets the dogs back and she stiffs the fucking guy?? If she thinks its a scam she should go the police, but she got her dogs back (which she lost due to her own negligence) and now she refuses to pay him MONEY but will pay him (and his friends) in SEX?? She disgusts me and her dogs should be taken away from her.

BITCH, BITCH, BITCH

I am so tired of all this hype surrounding the Sex and (in?) the City movie. I mean these women are all in their 40's with kids and wrinkles and varicose veins, are we to really believe men would still want to fuck them?? Although I can't believe anyone would 10 years ago, SJP is a troll and that mole on her face disgusts me, KC is just a dried up old whore, and the other two are just useless, a dyke and repressed socialite. And that leads me to todays rant. I am sick of seeing these bratty, temper-tantrum-throwing rich girls who think they are being all empowered and embracing their "inner bitch". That's not a bitch, that's just a self absorbed, selfish, self centered cunt. The difference between a bitch and brat is the ability to pull the trigger. In my day a bitch was a woman who's not afraid to get personal, who will draw blood for no reason other than she felt like it, someone who will fight dirty and hit below the belt. Let's set this record straight. Just because you can whine like a 10 year old who doesn't get her way, does not make you a bitch, it just makes you a sad, pathetic little gnat.

DIRECTORS CHAIRS

You know those directors chairs that movie sets have with the name of whoever the star is (or are) for them to sit in? What do they do with those chairs after the movie is wrapped? Like does Leo DiCaprio take it home with him? Or does the studio keep it? If Leo takes it home, does he have like dozens of them? Or does he bring the same one to each movie with him? If the studio keeps it, why? On the off chance that Leo will do another movie for them and they can use it again? And where do they keep them? Is there a giant warehouse of chairs with celebrity names on them??

Omg, I just blew my mind! Maybe the chairs are the same chairs and they just change the names on them? Can they do that? I always thought the names were embrodiered but maybe they can change the names so they don't have to keep buying chairs. I have to sit down for a minute.

WE DON'T PAY YOU TO THINK

Don't you think Eva Mendes is kind of useless in movies? I can't remember seeing one role that she played where I thought she was good for it. She can be interchanged with almost any other bland actress. If it weren't for her tits, we wouldn't even be hearing about her.

PREGNANT IS NOT A GOOD LOOK FOR YOU

Am I the only person who finds a woman's distended, pregnant belly disgusting?? I don't think that's sexy at all. And I don't want to see it uncovered on magazine covers and on TV. Seeing a belly that is so full that the belly button actually POPS OUT, is not a good look. It actually makes me sick to MY stomach! Please keep it covered America.

Ugh, look at that self satisfied smirk on her face, I suddenly have the urge to punch her in that baby basket of hers.

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE... PART DEUX

So I am meeting this friend for drinks after work the other night and she asks me to meet her where she works because she has her car there and doesn't want to have to move it and pay again for parking, so I was like "sure, just tell me what train station to get off at". She proceeds to give me cross streets instead of station names. When I tell her that on the train she is telling me to take that there are stops on Broadway, Houston AND Lafayette, she doesn't respond to me. So whatever, I just leave because she tells me she can only stick around for a little while and I didn't want to waste more time on this and figured I'd just wing it. So she texts me and tells me that she'll meet me outside the train station exit. I get there and THERE ARE 4 EXITS!!

So I'm really annoyed now because its all about her, then she drags me to like 5 bars and she still can't pick one, even after every one she mentioned I said "SURE". All of a sudden we're 4 blocks down Prince St and she still can't make up her fucking mind.

Finally we find a place and then she spends the better part of 3 drinks bitching about work even though I warned her that that job wasn't for her (and not to mention that every time i speak to her she's complaining about her job) and then talking about guys she works with. That's it. The only time conversation drifted to me was when she said she didn't like my hair the last time she saw me. Why do I put up with this? Are friends like this normal??

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE...

I have a friend who is so fucking irritating. Everything you tell him NOT to do, he does. I'll tell him "don't call my phone, text or email me" and he calls, I'll say "I'm going to get a drink, wait here" and he follows me. I say "I'll meet you there" and he shows up outside my door. Now last night I say "I can't wait to see the premiere of 30 Rock tonight" and he fucking calls me in the middle of it!!! I mean WTF. Why are people so fucking stupid??

CHEESEBURGER, CHEESEBURGER!!

there is a foreign guy that works on my floor and he sounds like he has downs and its really irritating because he talks constantly and right outside my door. I hate him.

SELF-CENTERED COW

IVANKA TRUMP says "I have beautiful teeth. They shine by themselves, and so do I!".

I was on the fence with her with because she seemed to be working and not showing her cooch and partying and blowing through money and Valtrex like a Paris Hilton type whore, even though she was working for daddy and her daddy is Donald Trump the most disgusting human being in NY, in my mind. But this comment just makes me really fucking hate her. What a useless and snobby comment. It's not hard to shine when you have millions of dollars at your privileged feet you over-processed bitch.

NO SHIT QUOTE OF THE DAY

Lil Jon told Forbes. "We're using our success and celebrity and turning that into ways of making money."

DATING THROUGH COMMENTS

I was just reading some of my friends comments on myspace and on one of my friends, a guy was setting up a date with her through her comments section. Isn't that weird? It went back and forth like 4 or 5 times. Why didn't he just email her or text message or CALL?? Now everyone can read that dorky awkwardness. I feel bad for him but I also want to punch him in the nuts.

MY EARS!! MY EYES!!

Wow, she's almost as bad as Britney Spears, I would give her points because her dancing is more spastic but then she does just stand in that one spot so I take them away and her lip synching, why did they even give her a microphone?? Is she a prop singer??

BALLOON SEXY TIME

STINK, STANK, STUNK

Ooof, someone is cooking fishsticks or fish fillets downstairs and it STINKS!

I'M TOO ANNOYED TO THINK OF A TITLE FOR THIS

from the Post, Page 6: "BIJOU Phillips would love nothing more than for her long-time boyfriend, Danny Masterson, to pop the question. Though reps assure us the two have not yet talked about marriage, Phillips was overheard gushing over her beau of three years backstage at the Jill Stuart fashion show. Our spy said, "She talked about how he doesn't do any drugs and she's only surrounded by people who are good for her when she's with him.""

Why does she have to surround herself with people that are good for her, why can't she make her own mind up? What is she 12, she doesn't know how to say no? Give me a break, she needs to take responsibility for own life and actions and stop blaming her problems on "other people". Fucking celebrities, they're all fucked in the head.

SLOW NEWS WEEK??

I've been away for a while so i'm coming in on the tail end of this this vanessa hudgens "scandal". I have not seen the pictures, apparently she pays her lawyers on time, but I have been hearing a lot of this lately from disney folks and old people, essentially "we all make mistakes, I just hope she learned her lesson".

WHAT FUCKING MISTAKE?? WHAT FUCKING LESSON?? So she took some nude pictures of herself, big fucking deal. Its not like she skinned a cat or ate a baby for godssake. Nudity is natural and we see it all the time. I guess its ok when a paparazzi gets the picture but not when its taken by the celebrity itself.

I really have no idea who this girl is besides the HSM stuff, but I hope she doesn't think she actually did something wrong just because some moral fatcat told her she did, I hope she has more self esteem than that, but I wouldn't be surprised if all this attention has forced her into an eating disorder.

YAWN

I'm really fucking tired of ben stiller.

GO ARMY

You know all these people that do these letter drives for the troops, they collect letters that lonely people write to anonymous soldiers and send them on to just random troops in Iraq?

I wonder if the troops aren't sometimes annoyed by them? I mean because they have write back (I assume they do, whenever i hear thse stories the soldiers always write back)and its like if they have a hisband/wife and family plus their parents and siblings, all writing them, isn't getting letters from a total stranger where you have to write back, kind of like work then? If it was me, I'd be like send me some cookies or money if you want to support me, I don't need a fucking chore! Random stranger support isn't going to feed me or put braces on my kids, for godsake.

WHERE YOU AT?!

Wow, I've been away for some time!! I'm gonna get back to posting more frequently, work has been nuts and I've been in Mexico for like FOREVER and there has been constant drama and all that just exhausts me! Anyway, thanks for being loyal readers, I'm sorry for not being here for you and I'll be getting back to posting sometime today.

xoxoxo

EARTHLINK INTERNET NERDS

The earthlink commercial that shows "real people" instead of a server is really retarded. Frankly I'd prefer a server to these dorks. And of course, because it's something I'm looking for on the internet, I can't find the video.

GIVE THEM THE BAMBI TREATMENT

In Page 6 today:

"DISNEY honchos still plan to turn their made-for-TV hit "High School Musical" into a real movie, but they may have to do it without the TV version's major stars, Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens. A tipster says Disney is "only offering them $1 million each. Zac and Vanessa aren't going to do it."

This is pissing me off. These two were nobodies last year and Disney swept in and made them famous with some stupid ass formulaic song and dance bullshit yet they think they can start demanding more money? These KIDS are being offered 1 million dollars each to do a stupid fucking movie that's already had a sequel to it and is aired on TV and that's not enough for them? Is everyone losing their minds??? Is 1 million dollars now nothing, has the economy tanked that bad? When does a fucking teenager get so fucking uppity from doing FUCKING DISNEY MOVIES, that they think they can start making demands like this, like they run the show, like they're Harvey fucking Weinstein?!?! Disney made them famous in one movie, they can certainly find another pair of bland wannabe Lindsay Lohan/BackStreet boy kids who would happily take their spot and be a little more fucking grateful about. If I was Disney I'd tell them to "GO FUCK YOURSELVES" and then I'd also tell Zac Efron's mom that he's gay. REALLY gay. Like HOMO GAY.

TAPPITY-TAP

Some mornings I come in and I hear my staff typing, typing, typing away and I KNOW it's not work related typing. And it really fucking irritates me.

PARIS FOR PRESIDENT

Why are people (I mean people who write TMZ and celebrity blogs and shit) acting so surprised that Paris Hilton is back to partying and not reading bibles and self help books?? Doesn't this say more about the gullability of the american public than Paris Hilton? Losers.

I CAN'T EVEN THINK OF A TITLE FOR THIS

My boss is kind of foreign (french-canadian) and she pronounces everyone's name wrong. Nadine is "NED-dean" and Corinne is "COR-inn" or "CO-reen". It's really fucking annoying because I don't think you'd pronounce these names this way if you WERE french or were speaking french.

I DON'T THINK YOU CAN RETURN AN ITEM FOR SPITE

One of my guy friends is really annoying me, I've been ignoring him for a few months because I was pissed off at him for judging me and then I randomly ran into him at an event a few weeks ago and I couldn't ignore him but now I've been blowing him off, but he's getting increasingly needy: over the weekend he sent me a text that said "wish you were here" and "missing you" and then he sent me an email this morning that was like "call me, cupcake". WTFF?! I'm not your cupcake and even if you felt it was appropriate to call me that I would have to punch you in the vagina as that is the most offensive nickname you can give a person! UGH. So I ignored it out of spite and he's been IM'ing me, but I've been ignoring those to and really, what can I do to get my point across these days?

My ex, the one where we broke up over text and then he continues to check in every few weeks is still texting and emailing me, even after I told him that us being friends "is not going to happen". And one of the emails he sent me was a reply to an email that I sent him telling him we should go our separate ways!!!!!! How much clearer can I get with these assclowns?? I have just HAD it!

GAY ROBOT

I *heart* gay robot!! xoxo

WE'RE GONNA MASH POTATO TO A JUKEBOX TUNE

I'm going to Mexico in a few weeks for vacay, which is great except it was supposed to be a family vacation but now my whole family has backed out so its just me and my mom. UGH. I'm trying to get some friends to come with me, so far I have one nutjob on the fence, its actually her wedding anniversary so she said she might have to spend time with her husband (they're estranged or whatever it's called when you don't sleep with each other anymore but you share a house and you have sex with other people. Oh, roommates, that's right.)

Anyway, I'm bracing myself for more of the antics outlined in the previous post, the only thing saving me is that she doesn't speak spanish and she doesn't understand their money, so this will work in my favor as she's less likely to be insulting if she doesn't understand "those savages" and they're not likely to understand the "loco gringa".

I could see my mother having slaves.

ITS JUST MOM AND WHORES

My mother is losing her mind, I just got back from a few days alone with her and trust me. Here are some examples:

Exhibit A - Cars

When driving her vehicle tends move at a pace either 20 mph less or more than everyone else. When other vehicles move slower or faster, mother tends to rant about "crazy drivers on the road".

Parking consists of always being in at least two spots at once, despite her recent ticket for doing so and her claim that "I didn't even buy anything at that store" which apparently did not work as a legal defense.

Changing lanes is done without signalling and at the most inappropriate times such as a double line or car coming in the other direction.

Exhibit B - Dining out

Arriving at a restaurant will loudly exclaim "see, its not empty" to whoever is directly behind her. If it is empty she will ask the waitstaff "why is it so dead here?".

When asked if she had made reservations she responds "I didn't think we'd have to make reservations here" with a laugh.

Loudly asks "is this fresh?" within earshot of at least 2 patrons and an employee of the restaurant.

Exhibit C - Miscellaneous

Repeats her stories over and over and over and as if she had never told it before. If she has a phone call she will repeat the entire call at least 3 times, regardless of whether you had been sitting there and heard the entire thing already.

Asks you at least 40x if the "corn is fresh" or "what time is it" or "what kind of wine goes with wine" or "how much fat is in it" or "what is the internet".

Lusting after men that are at least 30 years younger than her (EW). I think we have to get her medication checked.

SOOOOOOO CLOSE!

Ok, I'm pretty much turning this blog into an anti-cuteoverload, but I just can't resist animals that are doing disgusting things!

TUBBY TABBY

who's a chubby wubby kitty cat??

SUCK ON IT, CUTEOVERLOAD!

I'm feeling slightly better than yesterday, that typing is still annoying me, but I've so far refrained from setting her on fire. I found this picture of my dog last night, I figured I'd share it here since those bitches at cuteoverload won't post any of the 8000 photos I've been sending them since last year. Stuck up snobs. Like snails are cuter than this??? I don't think so!

CLACKETY CLACK

Ok, I totally realize how ridiculous this is, but I am so irritated right now (today, always) and the person who sits to the north-west of me is typing so loudly that I want to scream at her to go somewhere else.

I want to throw a fucking keyboard at her.

I want to leave and not come back.

But I also want to set her computer on fire before I leave.

THERE ARE NO WINNERS, ONLY LOSERS II

I'm suspending the contest for a little while, I'm kind of bogged down at work and I'm not able to write as much plus there were no winners so I don't think anyone will miss this. However if you do see a title that you think is from *something* feel free to leave it in the comments and I'll still send you something.

IT'S AN INTERVENTION, NOT A POKER GAME

Ok, this is just hilarious. Now the media (ok, just Katie Couric for now) are urging us to remember that Lindsay Lohan is an addict. An addict? Come ON! She's just a young girl with no self or parental controls and too much money. Lots of people, not just in Hollywood, were the "victims" of this. I mean look at us normal people, we went nuts, went to college, participated in wake and bakes, did coke in the bathrooms at dirty bars, drank our faces off at keg parties every night, slept with undesirable people, the list goes on and on. But I think most of us came back smarter and wiser, humbler. Lindsay needs a kick in the pants, not another stint at "rehab". Give me a break.