Wednesday, January 02, 2008


Old people should not be allowed to use escalators. Or moving sidewalks or subways. Or anything mechanical that requires a certain amount of dexterity and swiftness to operate correctly and safely. I'm always stuck in an old person pile-up on escalators and I'm gettting really annoyed with having to smell their mothball and vegetable soup body odor!

1 comment:

Olivia Lou said...

I'll tell you a little story to amuse the elderly escalator-riding hatred you have.

Once, my friend and I were riding that big, crazy, fucked up escalator in FAO Schwartz, uptown, and we were both behind a middle aged dude, his [obvious] mistress, and his young-boy son. All of a sudden, in the middle of the ride down, Drunky Mcbadfatherson FALLS DOWN THE GODDAMN ESCALATOR!!! I mean it when I say that we were only half done with our ride down the beast. He tumbles HEAD OVER MOTHERFUCKING HEELS down the last half of the thing. It was amazing. My friend and I, to cover up our fear, were laughing really hard. So, we get to the bottom, and the guy is just sitting there, letting the stairs hit him in the ass, bleeding from the face, and looking really drunk and happy. He didn't look as though he had just fallen down a perpetually rejuvenating set of stairs. He looked like he just slipped in a tiny pile of goo, and was sort of embarrassed.

So, my friend and I had to organize a FAO Schwartz rescue mission, and had to assemble a team of FAO (HS drop out) employees. We even had to tell the dumb shits to turn off the escalator, get the first aid kit, and help the dude. It took them about 15 minutes to turn the moving staircase off. Meanwhile, people were coming down the escalator, gawking, stepping over the guy, and gawking some more. (Yes, my friend and I were both yelling obscenities at them, mainly because, well, when else can you safely and reasonably do so?)

Good times in uptown Manhattan.