DATING DOUCHEBAGS (LAWYERS)

Dating a lawyer is the worst possible scenario I can think of. Because I work in the legal field, I get set up and matched up a lot with lawyers and let me just tell you, they are such assholes! They range from either overcompensating for not being something sexy like a divorce laywer or a litigator by arguing every goddamn point with you, to defending every fucking person you mention who annoys you to shoving the law down your throat to prove they know more than you. A recent lawyer I IM'ed with was a wonderful mix of all three!

First he's a lawyer for the MTA who needs to let me know how stupid everyone else is and how he is just being wasted at his job. Oh bravo LegalEagle, way to start this off with a chip on your shoulder!!

Then when we are talking about childhood and growing up, he asks me if I would go to back to the town I grew up in and I said no, that I wasn't happy there and he wants to know why so I tell him something vague like "well since my dad passed away when we were children, I kind of had to work to help support the family at a really young age so I didn't really have much time to make friends, but these people weren't the nicest people either." There is truly a whole backstory but its stupid and I don't get into it with strangers. His response was "well I worked as a kid too and I still had time to make friends, and I'm still friends with them today!" Oh good for you fuckface, way to take a situation you know nothing about and a person you know nothing about and pass judgement! So then I mention that the schools I went to were full of jappy bitches and jocks and since I "poor" I was treated like shit and I don't care to move back there again. His response "well maybe you are holding on to a preconcieved snub and not giving them the benefit of the doubt?" WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THIS?? Did I just sign up for therapy? Who the fuck are you to be fucking judge me?!?!?!

At this point I'm pretty pissed because in addition him being a lawyer he's also completely without a sense of humor, for example:

me "I place a lot of emphasis on chemistry when meeting a person"
him "oh you're a science major" (UGH LOSER)
me "I went to a SUNY school upstate"
him "you went to a sunny school where you studied science" (DOUBLE UGH with an eyeroll and a kick in the nuts)

I finally had to tell him to stop that "running joke" because "it wasn't funny the first time" and his response was "well it wasn't meant to be a joke or funny"

WHAT? THAT WAS A SERIOUS RESPONSE!?!?

So the next day he catches me online and he wants to know more about what I do, and I figure I should give this guy another session and see if he's still the same. So I tell him about the type of law (internet commerce) that I deal with and he starts in on me about "why is that illegal?", "get some experts", "maybe you should pay them more", "what is this, what is that?" what is nothing dude, I'm not taking a goddamn fucking test!! If you're interested, be interested, but don't try to catch me up and argue fucking case law with me, I don't give a flying fuck and I could care less what you know. Which btw way isn't much, it was like explaining why the sky is blue to a 3 year old.

But speaking of children, after about an hour of this I am ready to bolt, so I start making noises about having to be up early and he starts in about his 15 year old daughter. WHOA NELLY!! Turns out his profile isn't exactly accurate, he's divorced, a 15 year old daughter, and 5 years older than he said he was, which puts him in his 50's. Yeah, no thanks, see ya later if I don't see ya first - dickhead.

HOW DO I HATE THEE, LET ME COUNT THE WAYS

So for the one regular reader I have (besides myself), you know that I hate the people I work with. Not my job mind you, just the people I am forced to interact with on a daily basis. On the off chance I didn't make my point, take yesterday's rere's.

Exhibit A

New sales person sends me terms to review from a client. I respond and say we cannot agree to those terms and I need him to send me the terms in a word document so that I can edit them to our satisfaction. Now most normal people realize at this point that their deal is on "hold" until both parties can hammer out the details. Not super-genius douchenozzle sales guy!! He sends me an email saying that we can use their terms because they signed them already. WTF?!?! Did you not just read my email stating that we CANNOT USE THOSE TERMS BECAUSE WE WILL NOT AGREE TO THEM??? Then the idiot sends the client an email telling them they need to sign the word version of the terms (which, unless they magically negotiated themselves - are still the same unacceptable terms from before). Now the client wants to know why they have to sign those in addition to the terms they already signed and sent. Which is a legitimate question on their part because the fucking moron neglected to mention to the client that we were going to be negotiating them! THEN he sends me an email asking me to "clarify" why we can't use the original signed terms!! At this point I heard a blood vessel pop in my brain and I had to leave to stick flaming toothpicks under my nails.

Exhibit B

You may remember a recent post about another MENSA candidate. Today's "issue" consisted of her flipping out at one of my employees because he has been asking her for a week to get a client to send a new IO. The problem is that their order has an item that we will not be providing for them on it, and since we are not providing it, we cannot sign orders FOR MONEY that we are not going to actually deliver. Once its signed our finance group will charge them for that product! Now some extremists might even go so far as to say that its ILLEGAL to sign orders for things you are not going to deliver, but not MENSA-girl! She doesn't see why its a big deal and she "doesn't want to deal with them anymore". Oh pussycat, you're so overworked and underappreciated. *tear* Yes MG, why don't we also go put a unicorn on there and maybe a Ferrari and have them sign it! I'm sure when the auditors go through their books they won't find anything wrong with their client paying for things that they never actually got! Oh and yes, its a good idea to start going shouty-crackers on an employee who holds the power to reject every order you ever submit again! My mom always said, if you want something done right, do it yourself. Well you did it, you've turned us all against you, and all on your own too! GUURRRL POWER!

Exhibit C

New sales girl wants to know "why we can't just catch all the email spammers and put them in jail?" Oh, you know, what a good idea, lets get on that asap! Good thing they hired a thinktank like yourself! Now why don't you go back to shoving your tits in all the boys faces and let the grown ups do some work.

GUEST BLOGGER - BEARPAW!!!

This was just texted to me after I'm not sure how many rounds of Crap-o-Copias at Floyd's, but I will just type it verbatim.

"Bearpaw wishes nothing but death and destruction to stupid jappy girls who end every sentence with rising intonation."

"and white shoes, white shoes are fucking gay PERIOD"

"Bearpaw also hates when Bearpaw is drinking and there is no one to bum a smoke from. WTF?!?!?!"

I'm gonna assume Bearpaw is not putting much thought into his rants but it's ok - vague, unconstructed, irrelevent rants are what we are all about!!

Good luck on search for a smoke grubber, I mean Bearpaw!!

WHO THE FUCK WOULD DATE THESE MEN?!

Have women lost all sense?! Why the fuck would they lower themselves to date these dirtbags?? Aside from the fact that these men have money, what other reason is there to date them? And if its just the money, do you really want everyone else knowing you're a golddigging whore when you're seen in public with them?!


Brandon Davis - this oily motherfucker is such an immature tool. Watching him sweat and yell obscenties with an ever present Paris Hilton tittering in the background is worse than getting a pap smear and finding out you have herpes and AIDS. And *firecrotch*?? Let it go douchebag, watching your insecurities up close wasn't funny the first time around!


Joe Francis - here's a real ladies man. He's such a cocksman, his whole empire is based around him sexually harrassing inebriated young women. Yeah, it takes a real ladies man to get a drunk-off-her-ass coed to flash her tits and then meet him in the back of his bus. A REAL LADIES MAN.


Scott Storch - WTF?? This man is so repulsive just looking at him makes me want to take a shower in bleach. How much you wanna bet he cruises craigslist for black trannies??


John Mayer?!?! How this pasty-faced fugly assclown pulls women, I have no idea. His music is pedantic, his comedy is infantile, and HELLO?!?! HE'S FUCKING UGLY!! He looks like a fucking Picasso.*

Please - women of the world, stop feeding these guys' self esteem and egos, by dating them! Have some respect for yourself and date that cute guy at the coffee shop and stop whoring yourself for these cocks! UGH!!

*yes I know that's a woman, but he looks like that anyway, ugh don't be so goddamn literal, its annoying!!

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS??

People who stare at your food when you're eating and comment on it. Why can't I get some fucking privacy here?? There is no sit down eating area in our office so you either have to use a conference room or sit at your desk (eating outside isn't even an option, we wear collars that emit a shock when we go past the confines of the glass door) and we don't have cubes so its all an open plan and its like I just want to eat my fucking omelette in peace without you being all like "ohhh is that bacon? i can't eat bacon, how can you eat bacon - its so bad for you" or "that smells good, where'd you get it?" or "ooooh mickey d's!" or "I love those salads at cosi, that bread is soooooo good!" Yeah motherfucker I like them too and I like to eat them without John Fucking Madden running a play by play commentary!!! So shut the fuck up, don't stop at my desk, don't ask me questions, you know what, don't even make eye contact, even if I am not eating - because I hate you anyway.

BREATHTAKING INCOMPETENCE

Ok seriously, I do work with total retards (no offense to retards). Take this "for instance". A girl I work with is totally dissatisfied with her position but she does nothing anyway, I guess I would be bored too. I will send out emails explaining new processes or issues to avoid and she will come down to my desk 3 days later with a "problem" that has already been addressed in said email (and also comes complete with a handy solution). When I calmly state that I have just recently sent out this email she responds gaily "oh I don't read emails from you, I just delete them!" Oh yeah?! Well I don't waste my time on douche-nozzles and I'd like to fucking DELETE YOU!! Then she tells me that she prefers to "talk to me" to get the answers, like she's doing me a fucking favor! HELLO MORON, the reason I send emails is to avoid contact with you lower creatures!!

So according to the posters in the back of the office by the copiers (which btw are giving me fucking cancer) it is not acceptable to punch a co-worker in the face* so alas I have to suck it up and contain my rage and forward the email to her while she pouts about *someone being a bad mood*. IN A BAD MOOD?? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Does she honestly think I would be in a good mood when she so clearly makes my life a living, miserable hell?! She turns my desk into a goddamn Hades!! How she gets past that fucking dog, I don't know. Tell me, what other company would allow this bullshit to take place?? But this is not the end, oh noooooo!

Today she tells me that she was offered a promotion to, wait for it....
THE JOB SHE ALREADY HAS!!!

How fucking incompetent is this department that they don't even know what a person who has been working here for like 2 years, DOES?!?!?! Are we living in a Seinfeld episode?? Fucking ridiculous, useless, no good asshole wasters, all of them. No wonder she doesn't do her job, no one knows what it is, so she can't get busted for not doing it! Where is that goddamn drink...

*I read them while shovelling a calming snickers bar down my throat

POTATOHEADS UNITE!!

What is with these two? Are these the hugest heads you have ever seen in one picture?? They're like two humongous potatoes with hair!!

GET A CLUE MISTER!!

What is with guys who just cannot get the message? Why do you MAKE me be mean to you?? Here's a clue to all you ignorant mouth breathers. When we meet and I leave after one drink, I'M NOT INTERESTED. When you IM me for the next four weeks to make a date and I say I have to do things like "walk my dog", "do laundry", "make some calls", "bake cookies" - I'M NOT INTERESTED! Stop asking "what about the following week?" or "maybe we can make tentative plans..." or "I could come with you to do your laundry" because I AM NOT INTERESTED!! And to the assclown who recently, trying one last ditch effort to save himself, said "I'm really good in bed" that is soooooo not sweetening the pot! In fact, it's desperate and creepy and makes me even more busy! So take my advice, its ok to shoot me an IM afterward to gauge my interest but trust me, if I am not responding or am being cold, distant, uncommunicative or anything that isn't joyful to hear from you, I'M NOT INTERESTED. Find someone else to annoy now, your job here is done.

I'M A PERSON DAMMIT!

In order to show my human side, just this once I will post a list of things I love. Before you go reading ahead to see if you're on the list, you're not. Let it go buddy, its ok, I'm sure someone out there does, you have a mother, right? Anyway, aside from ranting there are some things out there that give me pleasure and I did one of them this morning (not morning sex you pervert, you need another person for that and its too early for porn). So without further ado, and in no particular order, I give you the "Things that Lube My Gears" edition.

• running in the rain
• my dog, even with her stinky morning breath
• wine
• Rob Schneider movies and other movies of its genre
• my niece and nephews
• the smell of brand new expensive shoe leather
• not being the drunkest one in my group
• clothes fresh out of the dryer
• swedish meatballs
• winning
• falling asleep with the waves crashing outside my window instead of trucks barrelling down the BQE
• an ice cold dirty martini, straight up - with blue cheese olives
• a cup of coffee and a cigarette after a really good meal
• a brand new magazine fresh out of its package clothing
• outdoor cafes
• people watching*

*bashing, I just wanted to keep this positive

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

Ok, well still not able to post pictures for my last few entries and blogger must have read the last entry because no love from the support desk. :( Which means those entries are kind obsolete now. The only way I can upload pics is if they come from my camera phone which is going to be weird yet maybe might start a new art movement trend. Ohhhh, thats a good idea, don't steal my idea fuckers, I am trademarking, patenting whatever, right NOW!!

Sorry about the missing rants will do better in the future.

p&k

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS??

When blogger won't allow me to upload images! I do everything they say, I use my own images, not protected ones off the internet, I clean out my cache and my cookies, I turn off my pop-up blocker, I use IE, I use .jpg's AND STILL NO FUCKING UPLOADING!! What more do I have to do?! Now the 3 people who read this blog will pissed off that there are no new posts and they'll call me a hack behind my back and will never read me again!! I'll have to use my work computer, get caught, get fired, lose my internet connection and apartment and have to live under a bridge and the last I checked THERE IS NO WIFI UNDER BRIDGES!! My dog will leave me, my hair will get greasy, I'll have to eat out of trash cans and wear garbage bags for clothing and no one will drink crap-o-copias with me! UGH!


UPDATE: I downloaded firefox and still no images :(

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS??

People who are always looking for validation. I can’t understand why these people just can’t get over it! I have a friend who needs to send me every email she sends out to get my “feedback” and she’ll IM me furiously for 20 minutes asking inane questions like “was it too bitchy?” “Do you think (receiver of email) is mad?” “Do you think I was too mean?” “Did you understand what I was trying to say?” It’s like YES, I GET IT, but now get OVER it!! Or the friend who sends like 40 fucking text messages and camera phone pics of red lights and street signs and bums and then they have the nerve to be like “did you get my texts yesterday? I texted you all day!” YES I GOT YOUR FUCKING TEXTS BUT I SHUT MY PHONE OFF AFTER THE 29TH ONE!! Then they get all whiney like: “why didn’t you text me back, blah blah bullshit....??” Seriously dude, if you want to me to respond to your texts stop being so fucking annoying and just send one! And jesus, don't you have a friend you can bother? Why harrass me all day long, I don't even like you!

STUPID-ASS SCREEN NAMES

When deciding whether or not to respond to an email from a potential online suitor, I have a very rigorous screening process. The first is the screen name of the person writing to me. Anyone with a stupid screen name does not even warrant me OPENING the email let alone perusing their profile or god forbid, responding to them! The second is the picture. If there is no picture or you look like this I won’t respond. We’ll tackle the screen names first. Below are some seriously egregious screen name choices (with one minor adjustment so you don’t stalk them, it’s all about privacy dude!) and these are all true.

• Creativeniceguy56 – oh yeah? Not so creative to think up a better name??
• Teddy_bear – ew, pedophile much?
• Bear78 – are you sure you’re on the right dating site??
• Binkster_:) - what are you, like 5?!
• Boo_boosmiles – seriously dude, are you an adult?!
• Single99999999 – no shit!? SINGLE? That’s so ironic because you’re on a singles site!
• Goldenbear70 – what is with the bear theme? Christ almighty!
• East_village_snuggler – what, was cuddlebunny already taken?! You homo.
• <3doctor4u>sooooooo gay
• Thefunnywriter – this has yet to be proven since no one can get past the name
• Computergeek_not – yeah right, who’s kidding who here?
• Spirituallyminded_mstr – ugh, contacting the wrong girl here, Jesus, did you not read my profile? Go save someone else.
  
  And my personal favey - Colddeath1964 - ah, yes, lets do meet in a secluded park...

I WORK WITH THE MENTALLY CHALLENGED

It’s true. They are all morons. The more credit you give them the more disappointed you are until you’re crying in your beer at the end of day mumbling in a low monotone “How?? How can they be so stupid??”. And the thing is; they just are. Now my job requires me to explain legal terms and policies to sales people and really, legal terms to a sales person? Sales people are one step up from frogs. There are monkeys who could do a better job. If one more person asks me “Can you give me an example of when our terms prevented us from being sued or made us money?”* my head will fucking explode. My response is normally to guzzle my drink, take a deep breath and then state: “YOU FUCKING MORON, TERMS ARE NOT COUPONS, IF YOU DON’T GET SUED THEN YOUR TERMS ARE WORKING YOU FUCKING IDIOT SPAZZCOCK, DON’T EVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN UNLESS YOU’RE TAKING MY ORDER AT DENNY'S AND I'M NOT CONVINCED YOU'RE EVEN QUALIFIED FOR THAT JOB!!”

Yesterday's tomfoolery consisted of a certain not smart person in Chicago, causing much pain and suffering by breathing and knowing how to use Outlook. Three days she’s been trying to push a deal through and 3 days my staff is telling her that they can’t until she fixes something and she doesn’t get it. She finally (hallelujah!) gets it today and acts like she didn’t waste our fucking time for 3 days but I have had it! I send her a very professional yet snotty email basically stating that she should listen to what we tell her without a whole lot of fuss but what I really want to say is “DON’T EVER FUCKING QUESTION US AGAIN OR I WILL CUT YOU BITCH!” But I am nothing if not professional.


*actual question

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS??

Don’t you just hate it when a person can’t keep their OWN secrets?? Everyone has a friend(s) like this. They come to you all secretive-like saying shit like “please don’t tell anyone, its soooo embarrassing…” and you being a good friend don’t tell anyone* and then you find out 3 days later that your friend told all her other friends!! WTF?!?!?!?! Stop testing my loyalty because now I will fucking rat you out! The worst is when you find out that they told someone else a different story and now you have to go to all your friends and piece the real story together but then try to remember what she told you in the first place so you don’t slip up when you see her again. But then you guys get into a fight over you missing her birthday party because you were dating a guy and it was the 3rd date and he didn’t want to go to a party but you didn’t want to cancel the date because IT WAS THE THIRD DATE and you spill the beans on the real story and she gets all puffed up with self righteous anger and yells “you can’t keep a secret that’s why I lied to you” which you know isn’t true because you still haven’t told anyone about her getting the clap from that crunchy guy in college, but now you just might assume everyone knows so you blurt it out at her sisters wedding….

This could all be avoided if these friends could just keep their own fucking secrets.

*anyone THEY know

PEOPLE, THEY'RE JUST LIKE PEOPLE!

You know, I’m not embarrassed. I read gossip magazines. I read gossip blogs (except for that fat fuck, sellout Perez). I talk about gossip with the girls (and guys!) at work, at dinner parties, at the bar chatting up men. I’m not obsessed because I like to think I look at celebrities objectively. I believe they ARE like us, in fact the only thing separating *us* from *them* (besides a pesky restraining order) is the fact that they make tons and tons and tons of money for doing stupid shit like reality TV and game shows and shitty ass movies and they have a few more friends on their MySpace profiles than we do.

So this section of UsWeekly always kind of annoyed me because it just seemed so lame. Why do we care if they are “just like US”?! And why do they get to be rich and fancy AND also be just like US??? And why would you, UsWeekly, want to ruin the fantasy for us?? I don’t want to see pictures of them with wedgies or vomiting on the street*, I want to see them looking all perfect and fancy, wearing 100k dresses, otherwise why would they be special to me?? What else is going to fuel my self hatred and rage if these people are not in fact, perfect, and I don’t need to live up the impossible standards they set for all of society?? Honestly now, if I wanted to see people who were just like me, I’d go to the mall or the DMV or under a bridge.**

This particular issue got me ire up.*** The big picture is Alicia Silverstone and her husband and I don’t know, do these people even qualify as stars to begin with?! The last thing she was in was my trash can and before that it was Clueless and that was like 27 fucking years ago. Her husband, I don’t even know - so let’s just pretend he doesn’t exist. Then there is a really lovely photo of Marcia Cross with her hair in curlers (well done lowly PA, (curlers – scandalous!) but if you’re thinking to make money taking stealthy camera phone pics, try for Eva right before her Brazilian) getting a salad. WOW, a salad, that’s so fucking crazy because you know what EVERYONE EATS FUCKING SALAD!! How is that catching them at the “omg, I do the same thing” moment? What’s next, “Angelina Jolie inhales OXYGEN!”?!?! “Jake Gyllanhal’s dogs take a shit; they’re just like OUR DOGS!!” Ok, simmer down. The last, is Dean Cain buying a large bag of dog food. WOW. First of all, I don’t buy dog food in the 44 pound region because I have a small dog and she couldn’t eat 44 pounds of dog food in her lifetime so I guess he’s not like ALL of US. However, I do know some rednecks who buy dog food in bulk as “filler” for their meatloaf, so I guess Dean Cain is just like a hillbilly. Nice insult, way to go UsWeekly, you just bought yourself a lifetime of the finger from Dean Cain AND Britney Spears’ family. Listen, this section sucks but asshole people like me read it, so try to give it a little thought, a little effort, maybe upgrade from the monkey that currently writes it to an intern or something. Just a thought.

*I'm lying, I do want to see those pictures but it doesn't have to be celebrities, I'm just happy to wallow in someone else's mortification, regardless of their social stature.
**yes, I’m a troll, don’t be so fucking mean, asswipe, I have feelings too.
***actually I’m a leprechaun

GAY MEN ARE SELF CENTERED

Seriously, tell me, why do all GAY men think that ALL men are gay?? What makes gay men so self centered that they think every single male and especially celebrities*, enjoy a spirited bout of ass-ramming? What exactly is it about the glory-hole situation that is so appealing that every gay man thinks a straight man is on the other side? How long have women been subjugating their boyfriends and husbands by not allowing them to dress in drag and ride on a parade float lisping "we're here, we're queer..."?! I really want to know, someone tell me. Because its beyond my fucking comprehension and its not just a little annoying now, when you're out and you meet a cute guy, to not only have your girlfriends tell that story about you having diahhrea on vacation, but also having to contend with the added competition of a homo who won't shut the fuck up about how he's into "breaking in newbies".

*we all have that gay friend who has a friend whose ex worked as an EA for Harvey Weinstein and caught Harvey, Lance Armstrong and Tom Cruise in a 3way and now he's getting paid off by all of them but tell me, has anyone ever met this friend of a friend's ex??

GUEST BLOGGER - BEARPAW!

this is a rant sent to me earlier from a co-worker who is almost as surly as me. I thought I'd share it since it embodies all the qualities of this site, namely *rage*.

first "assface on parade through the office this morning." - bearpaw

then "i just rejected that shit, they didnt do anything right, i'm not fucking waiting for her to schlep her way through this and bug me every step of it with 'i dont know what i'm doing, i fucking hate this place, it sucks, this client is crazy'" - bearpaw

and finally "use it, i dont effing care. you can feel free to copy that and stick it up there, and by stick it up there i mean yr blog, not her ass"* bearpaw

Ahhh, taste the mountain grown rage....

* he really meant up her ass though, he's just too polite sometimes

TW HELL 2 – NOW WITH MORE HELL!

So as I mentioned before the cable box does not work. I didn’t know this but apparently the best feature of TWHell is that you are never EVER done. This is our convo:

TWRep: You have to call us to set up a signal to the box.
Me: Ok, well no one told me, can you do that now?
TWR: No, you have to call when you are home.
Me: Why do I need to be home for you to send a signal?
TWR: That’s how it works.
Me: Ok, but why? Why do I have to be home if you’re just sending a signal??
TWR: Because we need to use the same line as your home phone line.
ME: (WTF?!)* But my home phone line is my cell phone; can’t I just call you now to do it?
TWR: Yes, no... Ma’am the only thing I can suggest…
Me: (cutting in now) Just tell me, why do I have to be home? How will you even know where I am, if I am calling from a cell phone?!**
TWR: Because we need to know if it works.***
Me: Why can’t you just do it now and I’ll call you when I get home if it DOESN’T work? Instead of me having to call again if it’s not necessary??
TWR: Ma’am the only thing I can suggest…
Me: UGH, *click* dialtone….

Seriously, these guys have surpassed the DMV in shitty customer service!! I have just had it and would cancel the whole fucking thing but then I wouldn’t be able to watch Flavor of Love and reruns of Seinfeld and The Golden Girls 27 times a day. FUCKING TIMEWARNER!! I CURSE YOU FROM THE DEPTHS OF MY SOUL!!!! Mark my words, some day soon, maybe not today, maybe not next week I will have cable. You may have won this battle my friend, but I will win the war.****


*Inner monologue
**shrill, very shrill
***ok, that makes sense, but why couldn’t she just say that in the beginning? You know she’s reading through a manual of responses to irate customer queries!
****I will never win, I am in total denial. I will be forced to get a shitty satellite dish that everyone makes fun of and I’ll just cry every time Family Guy goes out and I have to climb on my roof to readjust it and then I’ll FALL OFF THE GODDAMN ROOF and have to get major reconstructive surgery and they’ll give me a new face so when I finally get out of my coma no one will recognize me, I’ll have no friends, no family, no life, no money, no cable, just this shitty blog to keep me from sobbing 24/7 . How can you sleep at night, TWHell!?!?

DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE?!

Why do people assume their issues are orginal and thus being so original feel the urge to share with every fucking person? I am probably the surliest friend you will have, quick to tell you that your story is boring, or you've already told me; anything to just shut you down. Why in gods name would you think that I would be interested in hearing one more fucking time how so and so is such an asshole for leaving you and then get sucked into a deconstruction of the last convo you two had over IM?!?!?! WHY? I am not without my own issues, but seriously, how many times can you obsess over the same thing and not make your own self sick to death?!?!!? Do all your friends a favor, take a week, go nuts and immerse yourself in whatever daily drama you're going through and then LET IT GO. Thank you!

NO MEN in SF

I have a friend who lives in San Francisco and all she does is complain about how she never meets men there and that there are no dateable men in the entire city. WTF did she expect?!?!?! She moved to the one city that has more gay men than NYC!! Its so fucking annoying to hear her bitch about this because 1. its her own choice and 2. its not like she goes out of her way to find single men anyway! She believes that they will just find her, like she sends out some fucking Batman honing system that handsome, rich, eligible bachelors can see. In addition to her not going out to places where one might find a dateable man, she has the most ludicrious list of requirements*; including but not limited to:

• he must be in the finance business, making at least a mill a year
• he must be at least 6' 2" tall, but not taller than 6' 5"**
• he must be brunette but not black hair
• he must golf
• he must be muscular but not *too* muscular
• he must not ride a bicycle
• upon marriage she will quit her job, but not to raise kids, just to not work anymore
• he must be willing to give up all decision making privileges

Now I'm sure there are men out there that actually fit this bill but are they interested in meeting a woman who is:

• completely high strung
• gets herself into the most ridiculous situations just so she can bitch about them
• complains NONFUCKINGSTOP, whether its a restaurant choice, her friends, her job, her car, the traffic, the elevator, coffee too hot/cold, the heat, the cold, (you get the picture) but does absolutely NOTHING to change any of these situations.
• is completely incapable of small talk. I mean does not know anything. No celebrity gossip, no politics except for what her father tells her, no current affairs. Every joke you have to explain to her, every story you have to back track to where you're saying things like "...and on the 7th day God rested...". Its fucking unreal that a woman her age (mid 30's), living in a large urban city, graduate degreed, can be this effing retarded!!
• is totally obsessed with an ex from over a year ago, to the point where she stalks his company's internet to look for him yet she believes that HE'S obsessed with her***!

When confronted with the sheer ridiculousness of her demands and told maybe she should try being a little more openminded, she merely goes back to the tired old "it doesn't matter because there are no men here anyway" or "so and so met someone and I'm soooo much better than them!". UGH! A Cosmo! woman she is not! I think her problem is she just needs to get laid. Maybe I'll hire her a gigolo for her birthday - if anything it will be a new story she can bitch about, I'm sooo bored with this one!!

*subject to change on a whim of course

**I swear she actually told me that one day

***he's not, he actually moved to another city soon after they broke up and has not so much as even IM'ed her since, although she stalks his IM and as further proof of his disinterest, every time she "bumped" into him in public he's been with different women.

TIME WARNER

I was just at Time Warner to exchange my cable box and seriously, is that place the waiting room for hell, or what?! One long row of chairs for those waiting and then another line of customer service reps opposite them and a guy in a security uniform at the door who's job it is to give out numbers when people come in. To set the "Hell" mood even further there are two small children running up and down the strip of space that separates the masses from the overlords and an infant is WAILING at the top of his fucking lungs. There is also a family of 4 grown assclowns staking out all the chairs and swooping in the second one gets vacated. In a side rant, why the fuck do you need 4 GROWN ADULTS to exchange a modem?!?!?!!?!? Is your life so fucking dull, going to TWHell is a considered a group outing?

In order to keep us from flipping out, TW offers such amenities as flat screen tv's showing sports and computers with internet (also I think an effort to prove to their customers that their products actually work). I go to one of the half dozen or so computers and go to log into my email. Of course it immediately freezes once I log in, so I try to exit the program but that feature has been disabled according to the pop up that also froze on the screen. Now I'm getting annoyed because that fucking kid won't shut up and I can't find the the shut down button on the computer (turns out that was also disabled) and the computer screen is frozen on my inbox with emails that have subject lines like "Massive Cokk you ordered..." and "ci@lis will fix your problem" and they're getting closer to my number on the PA system but I don't want to leave my email inbox on a computer screen so I go to our number hander outer guy to ask him to help. Of course what I am really looking for was a lecture on how I shouldn't open my email on those computers, and he did not fail me. WTF do you offer free computers and internet if you're not supposed to check your email? Any time a person is given free internet access and an imposed waiting time they are going to do things LIKE CHECK THEIR FUCKING EMAILS! Isn't that half the reason computers were invented anyway?! Seriously, WTF!?!

Anyway after he was done condescending to me, I told him he should put up a notice that says "don't check your email on these computers" because to illustrate my point, everyone at the computers were checking their emails. Except for that one guy, who was finding out more about Oksana, the russian hottie who's been waiting for him to contact her.

ps, the new box doesn't work :(

MOUTH OPEN EATER

Recently, I was on this date with a guy I met online. Distinguished looking, good job, seemed witty. But I should just give it up. Every guy I've met on this site is ridiculously unacceptable dating material (which is why they are on this site). First annoyance; after telling him that I do not travel into the city on the weekends, he suggests we meet in the city. Ok, whatever, he's illiterate, not a crime -YET. I meet up with him and the first thing I notice is that he is old. The first thing he notices are my breasts, which he stares at freely (which normally would be ok with me, I don't have much in the way of personality so breasts have to work overtime) which is creepy because he's so old. And his hair is completely sticking straight up and all over his head. Own a brush, brother?? So, I'm here, he knows its me, I can't duck out, I suck it up with the consolation of a couple of free drinks but now annoyance number 2 - he's a loud talker :( and his conversation consists of:

1. that we're on online date (thanks mister subtle, I'm pretty sure that group of tourists heard you but yes saying it AGAIN at a higher decible is a great idea! They ARE tourists.)

2. a date he was on where the woman was "smelly". Like BO/halitosis smelly. He clearly does not know how to censor his stories because even though she was smelly they went back to her place, made out, and then he had another date with her.

3. his roommate. Here is a guy who is got to be in his 50's WITH A FUCKING ROOMMATE.

4. his asian fetish

5. how his asian fetish is not a fetish, its a preference. Riiiiiiiiight, I see the distinction now, its totally less creepy.

After about an hour of this nonsense, I'm ready to go. But OOOH NO! Not Mister LoudTalker! He's just getting warmed up. Seeing that there would be no gracious exit from this date, I tell him I'm going to the bathroom to see if maybe I can make a run for it (that last part I kept to myself). No such luck - MLT has followed me. WTF? Can't a girl even ditch a date with dignity anymore?! I return, with him in tow, and I feel like a chastened schoolgirl who has been caught showing her knickers. After another hour of inane chatter that touched on asians "running things", his dead cat, the Iraq war, the smell in his car and me needing to be up early (its 3 in the afternoon) he decides he wants to eat. This is by far the most repugnant annoyance. As it turns out, not only is Mister Loud Talker, a loud talker, but he's also an open mouth chewer! Does he have any idea how repulsive half masticated ravioli shooting out of his mouth onto my salad is?!?! Fucking infants have better table manners! Tell me, how the fuck does a man get to be his age without learning some fucking etiquette?!

Someone, PLEASE, tell me why I continue to do this??s

PET PEEVES 1

I was at the dentist today and I saw that stupid fucking "Dr Z" car commercial (dentist has cable) and I started thinking about my pet peeves, of which I may have mentioned, I have a lot. So here you go, in no particular order and not at all a comprehensive listing:

Dr Z car commercials
really obese cats
people who dress their animals up in wigs and kerchiefs and shit. That's abuse buddy!
people who don't control their kids in public places
people who don't drink but still go out to bars
rosanna "blotto" scotto
tall women
perez hilton
paris hilton
swamp ass
AOL speak (LOL, LMAO, ttyl, kewl, you get the picture)
reality tv except for anything with excessive cursing or the british version
Friends the tv show
homeless people
getting a crotch in your face when you're sitting down on a subway
people who hog the whole fucking pole on said subway
hairy balls
indecision
monkeys who act like people
people who think sex and the city references are still relevent - let it go
pushy shot girls, i don't need your tits in my face
fake myspace pages
protesters - get a fucking job you wasters
tourists
americans in paris
lesbians that look like dudes
hipsters
"billy"burg
ironic t-shirts
dvd's with no special features
smug mac users

Ok, thats a good starter list, be sure to check back, I have more!

EVERYTHING'S FORGIVABLE

Has anyone noticed that everything is now forgivable? People are so easily able to forgive and forget that it makes me sick. Now I know the following all seem to have the same relationship theme, but isn't this the big one? If you've already been betrayed by a lover how can you ever trust them again?? When I first started out in the city, I knew a girl whom you basically could not leave with your man. She wasn't even shy about it, she would get hammered and totally proposition him in front of you. After several embarrassing encounters I finally decided enough was enough and cut her out of my life. I bumped into a mutual friend of ours last year and she was still hanging out with her, even after she had found out that the whore had slept with a guy she had been seeing. Is she so desperate for friends that she'll still hang out with a skank who slept with her guy?? Makes no sense to me, but read on dear reader, more mindboggling bullshit ahead!!

Exhibit A –

My ex-friend, we’ll call her C. is a recipient of this ridiculous obsession with forgiveness. C is married but also enjoying the added fun of having an affair with her husband’s (Z.’s) best friend (D.). She has been having this affair for a year now. Her husband knows this and does nothing, content to be a fat, lazy cuckold. D. also allows C. to walk all over him, but he’s so “in love” that he forgives all the shit she does to him. I have witnessed C. get her husband thrown in jail and then go to her boyfriend to bail him out. Now truth be told, both of these “men” are, in fact, pussies. They are both in their early 30’s, not exactly prime specimens (Z is fat and lazy and D is best described as as high strung and emotional as a menapausal woman), both had maybe one girlfriend before C. so not exactly familiar with the concept of dating and they clearly have not been clued into this thing called "self respect". They are both so afraid of being alone that they would rather have a selfish, overbearing, lousy drunk shrew treating them like shit every second of the day. Personally, I’d like to punch her in the tits.

Exhibit B

N. is a friend of C.’s and is engaged. She recently found her fiancée watching porn that consisted of one female human being and one non-human being donkey (from what I heard this was not a first time thing - a stash of similar porn was also discovered). Now, while she may resemble a farm animal (she’s kind of a pig) it’s not enough of a turn-on for M. (the fiancée). N. had an excrutiating week to tell all her friends and think of random scenarios like "does he want me to fuck a donkey?" Now, I certainly watch my fair share of porn, not donkey porn, that's gross, but whatever, guy is a freak. What pisses me off about this is that she was so appalled that he was keeping this secret from her, and that she could never trust him again, blah blah. After calling off the bridal shower and making a lot of people lose money on it, she made a decision. The wedding must go on! What a trooper.

Exhibit C

N2 is dating a lawyer. First mistake right there, lawyers are douchebags during work hours because they get paid to be, but they are douchebags for free to the women who they date. N2 is thinking things are going ok (if a little slow) until she sees his wedding announcement in the NYTimes. Two months later she runs into him (they never spoke after the announcement) and all of a sudden she’s going to Cabo with him on vacation. This girl is seriously fucking damaged.

Now me, I can forgive, but I never forget. Fuck with me once and you better sleep with one eye open. Two years ago, I caught my ex J. on an online dating site the same month that he proposed to me. I set up a sting operation to catch him (I didn’t want to accuse him if it was an old profile) and lo and behold he was snared in my e-net. I dumped him immediately and never looked back. Even though he still emails and calls me, I’ve never looked back. I recently did a google stalk on my exes and what comes up but a profile on a 3some and fetish site that he put up the month before he proposed (for some reason its dated). Seeing him on that site just reaffirmed what I always thought, “thank god I am a vengeful bitch”.

WELCOME TO RANTASTIC!!

Hello and thanks for stopping by! This is my inagural post so I will just explain a little bit about this blog and myself. I am a single, (early!) 30 something female with a lot of pet peeves. A LOT. A few years ago, my older brother who was happily married and starting his family was musing* about my still being single with no viable prospects on the horizon. One of his "suggestions" was that if I wasn't "so aggressive"** maybe I would find someone (not that I was even looking...). So after thinking about it for years it occurred to me that while my rage and loosely controlled ranting may or may not be my cause for singledom***, it is still there and in need of a healthy outlet since I**** tend to frown on rants at dinner at expensive restuarants, so here we***** are. These rants are not intended to insult anyone******, they are just my inner thoughts spilling out. Enjoy the rage!


*hammered after drinking for 6 hours and shouting at the top of his lungs
**such a bitch
***some men actually like bitchy women, we'll get to that another time
****society
*****hopefully it won't be just myself reading these
******unless you are one of the people doing one of the ranted against things and if so, take note, you're pissing people off.

ONLINE DATING PHOTOS

For those of you reading between the lines on my first entry, you probably realize I am single. As a single person in NYC our only alternative is online dating. Forget meeting guys at church, hardware stores, the library (who the fuck goes to the LIBRARY?!) or your friends. If your friends are like mine the last thing you want them to know is that you're looking to date because at this age, you're getting set up with their random (friend of the catcher's g/friend on the company softball team!) single guy friends and as any normal person will tell you, these are not the pick of the litter. I find myself more and more at weddings of friends getting nudged together with a guy that is shorter than me (I'm short, ok, let it go) and a backstory that consists of "in college there was this masturbation thing in the locker room but I'm sure no one remembers it now" as they proceed to tell you the entire story and laugh hysterically. Once they gather their composure, its all "but he's sooooooooo nice and he really REALLY likes you!" with a fixed toothy smile. WTF kind of friends are these?!?!

In any event, I'm noticing a weird trend on a certain popular dating site that I am a member of. No longer content to just lie about themselves on their profile, men (I only view guys so I don't know about the women, this isn't scientific) are starting to put up random photos of people who are not themselves in order to a) be cutesy (not a very good trait in a man) b) stand out (oh thats happending, all right!) or c) are just fucking clueless. I'll shut up now and let the pictures do the talking.

This first one gave me nightmares (still does). Its so horrific I cannot look at it for more than 3 seconds before I start to freak out. I'm sure its probably some photo from a movie or something random*, so if anyone recognizes it, let me know. FYI, you've been warned.







This one is what? I'm pretty sure I'm not on twink.com. If you're wondering why you aren't getting any responses its probably because girls think a guy in a pink ballerina/butterfly costume is GAY. This is NYC, after all. Stop being such a fag and change your photo.



So the point of this whole rant is that unless you are looking for ugly and/or gay mates, stop posting ugly and/or gay photos. And if you are looking for ugly and/or gay mates STOP EMAILING ME. I'm not interested.

*I know its not him because I had a friend look at his profile and she said there were other pics on there that were "normal".