Tuesday, August 22, 2006


You know, I’m not embarrassed. I read gossip magazines. I read gossip blogs (except for that fat fuck, sellout Perez). I talk about gossip with the girls (and guys!) at work, at dinner parties, at the bar chatting up men. I’m not obsessed because I like to think I look at celebrities objectively. I believe they ARE like us, in fact the only thing separating *us* from *them* (besides a pesky restraining order) is the fact that they make tons and tons and tons of money for doing stupid shit like reality TV and game shows and shitty ass movies and they have a few more friends on their MySpace profiles than we do.

So this section of UsWeekly always kind of annoyed me because it just seemed so lame. Why do we care if they are “just like US”?! And why do they get to be rich and fancy AND also be just like US??? And why would you, UsWeekly, want to ruin the fantasy for us?? I don’t want to see pictures of them with wedgies or vomiting on the street*, I want to see them looking all perfect and fancy, wearing 100k dresses, otherwise why would they be special to me?? What else is going to fuel my self hatred and rage if these people are not in fact, perfect, and I don’t need to live up the impossible standards they set for all of society?? Honestly now, if I wanted to see people who were just like me, I’d go to the mall or the DMV or under a bridge.**

This particular issue got me ire up.*** The big picture is Alicia Silverstone and her husband and I don’t know, do these people even qualify as stars to begin with?! The last thing she was in was my trash can and before that it was Clueless and that was like 27 fucking years ago. Her husband, I don’t even know - so let’s just pretend he doesn’t exist. Then there is a really lovely photo of Marcia Cross with her hair in curlers (well done lowly PA, (curlers – scandalous!) but if you’re thinking to make money taking stealthy camera phone pics, try for Eva right before her Brazilian) getting a salad. WOW, a salad, that’s so fucking crazy because you know what EVERYONE EATS FUCKING SALAD!! How is that catching them at the “omg, I do the same thing” moment? What’s next, “Angelina Jolie inhales OXYGEN!”?!?! “Jake Gyllanhal’s dogs take a shit; they’re just like OUR DOGS!!” Ok, simmer down. The last, is Dean Cain buying a large bag of dog food. WOW. First of all, I don’t buy dog food in the 44 pound region because I have a small dog and she couldn’t eat 44 pounds of dog food in her lifetime so I guess he’s not like ALL of US. However, I do know some rednecks who buy dog food in bulk as “filler” for their meatloaf, so I guess Dean Cain is just like a hillbilly. Nice insult, way to go UsWeekly, you just bought yourself a lifetime of the finger from Dean Cain AND Britney Spears’ family. Listen, this section sucks but asshole people like me read it, so try to give it a little thought, a little effort, maybe upgrade from the monkey that currently writes it to an intern or something. Just a thought.

*I'm lying, I do want to see those pictures but it doesn't have to be celebrities, I'm just happy to wallow in someone else's mortification, regardless of their social stature.
**yes, I’m a troll, don’t be so fucking mean, asswipe, I have feelings too.
***actually I’m a leprechaun

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