SELF AWARENESS

Why do people not see themselves in these rants? I have a friend at work who I like very much but she tends to be a little melodramatic and needy and sometimes just to fuck with her and see if she knows this about herself I'll say something like "oh this girl I know is always looking for validation, it's so annoying because she'll ask me like 10 times about an email she sent or go on and on about this guy that she met who hasn't called..." and she'll go "oh I hate women like that!" and I want to shout "IT'S FUCKING YOU I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!!"

Or this other friend with whom I have recently stopped being friends with because all her life is one fucking manufactured drama after another and I just couldn't take it anymore. She will IM me every other week or so, I guess testing the waters and I usually ignore her but sometimes she IM's with a question regarding a mutual friend's wedding that we are both in the party of so I'll respond and then when she sees my response she'll try to start in on the latest drama (her never gonna happen divorce, her mother in law, her boyfriend, her never to be ex, her job, her brother, her fat friend Nikki, jesus, take your pick) and when I shut her down and say something about not having time to deal with any more drama she'll respond with "oh I know, drama is stupid" or some other equally retarded response. WTF?!?!! How does she not see that this is her?! Am I the only normal person left??

When people say "I hate bitches" I say "I'm sorry, I can't help it" because I know I am a bitch. When people say "God it's so loud in here" I say "yeah, sorry, I'm a loud talker". When people say "that girl is such a whore" I say "Hey, don't fucking judge me!". I know myself, I can see myself in these comments, why can't anyone else?!

WHO'S THE BITCH NOW?!

I work with a girl who seems to embody several things I find annoying. For instance, she's tall, very tall, one might even suggest "statuesque". And she's friendly - but only to men, unless she needs something, so one might suggest "bitchy". Inexplicably, after months of ignoring me she has made it her business to be friendly with me and for some perverse reason I cannot allow it. For instance she seems to always compliment my dresses and when she does I'll say "oh this thing, I don't even like it, I just had nothing to wear today" or my new gold embroidered ballet flats that I love (well until that fucking dog I was sitting ate them) and I'll say "omg, these cheap things, they're garbage" as I sail out of the bathroom. When I pass her desk or see her in the pantry she always looks over and smiles and says hi and I usually just grumble something under my breath and keep walking. I feel like I am sticking up for all the women in the office that she snubs every time I throw a compliment back in her face. How sick is this? I don't know what it is, I just cannot fucking stand her.

ILLITERATE HELP

I am working from home today since I've been sick since Monday and finally this morning I get the energy to go out and get some nice hot tea to soothe my throat and maybe a plain bagel because I haven't eaten since Tuesday afternoon. So I go to the new bagel place and I ask for 2 large green teas and 2 plain bagels, nothing on them. I get home and find he had given me 2 medium peppermint teas and 3 everything bagels. WTF?!?!? I guess the green labels on the tea bags signalled to him green tea and the bagel thing, I don't even fucking know. I mean I'm not even surprised anymore but seriously, if you can't understand basic english you really shouldn't be serving the public. Anyway I was too tired to go back so now I'm drinking tea that tastes like old mints and trying to rub all the "everything" off my bagel. Pity me. LOVE ME!!

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS??

People who wear giant sweaters or blanket sized pashminas in the summer. So annoying and not a little bit dramatic. Pansies.

SUCKY TRAVEL

I just got back from some business travel and it was the worst trip in a l looooong time!! First I wake up at 4 am on Monday and realize that I am getting the sniffles but I thought it was just allergies so I take a Claritin and leave for the airport. At the airport I go to use the ladies room and it is fucking filthy. I mean I know it's an airport but it looked like homeless people were camping out in there. All the doors were broken, every toilet had unflushed waste in them (UGH), urine on the seats. I had to walk to another terminal to find a different bathroom. Then we are on the plane for 45 minutes when they come on the PA system and tell us that the pilot is "sick"* and that we would have to de-plane and wait 2 hours for another pilot to come in. So then it's 3 hours later and still no pilot. Finally at 3.5 hours they tell us there is a pilot "parking his car in the employee parking lot. Now he's putting a jacket on. Now he's walking towards the terminal. No wait, he's going back, he forgot to lock his doors!". Nice commentary but just tell us when he's on the fucking plane already!

[On a side rant, the movie on the plane was "Poseidon". I'm not sure a movie about a ship getting wrecked and everyone drowning is the best material for a turbulent plane ride above an ocean. I mean I know one's a plane and one's a boat, but the image is the same. Screaming, drowning people, smoke, water, death. Nice images, but I'd prefer Snakes on a Plane to this crap. It wasn't even a good movie!]

By the time we arrive, my "allergy" has turned into a full blown sinus infection complete with clogged ears, bright yellow jello-like snot and assorted drips and sneezes and grossness that comes with being sick.

I get to the office, 5 hours late the whole purpose of the trip now rendered meaningless due to the alcoholic pilot and I have missed 3 meetings and gotten one nasty email stating "if you are not going to attend the meeting you should let me know ahead of time..." Ugh whatever bitch, I don't need this shit!

Then the flight back, I'm even sicker at this point, totally doped up on over the counter medicines that work for 5 minutes and then you have to take more - so I pretty much spent the entire time in a Benedryl induced fugue state and don't realize that we land 20 minutes late. Of course my car isn't there and when I call to find out where it might be I get "be patient". Are you fucking kidding me?!?! Be patient?! WTF is the purpose of hiring a car to pick you up at a certain time if they aren't going to be there?? And why do I have to be patient, it's YOUR fault that you're not here on time, everyone else's cars are here, they walk out and they see their car and they leave. Not me, I have to another 40 minutes on top of the 20 minutes late the flight was and then another 25 minutes to taxi to the terminal, and get my bags and then I have to listen to this driver's sob story about how it took him almost 2 hours to get to the airport because there was some construction on some bridge, like I should be sympathetic. Does he realize I could give a rats ass?! Then just because I'm not already in enough misery, we get pulled over because a fucking headlight is out on the car and we have to wait 20 minutes to go through the whole license and registration, here's a summons etc bullshit. By the time I got home it was after 2:30 am. I now need a vacation from this travel!

*drunk(!)

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS??

People hosing down their sidewalks when you are walking through. It's so fucking annoying, all that disgusting water spraying everywhere and everyone has to walk through it getting wet and sometimes even damaging your clothing when they so intelligently mix it with bleach!! It's so negligent. I mean jesus, can't you fucking do this at like 6 am instead of at 9 am when normal people are trying to get to work!! Mostly these are restaurants and this morning for sheer fun, I counted 7 different businesses hosing down the fucking sidewalk on my walk to work. SEVEN FUCKING BUSINESSES!!! I would call 311 but that hotline is for fucking whiners and everyone knows I'm no whiner!! But it's getting close buddy, VERY FUCKING CLOSE.

TURD FERGUSON

Yesterday I received an email from a very special suitor. Apparently this is no joke, because being intrigued, I had to look at his profile and I was quite alarmed at what was on there. Let me also say that this guy is no looker, in fact he bears a very striking resemblance to this guy. He also claims to be a writer, yet he had several pretty obvious spelling errors and a quirky way of turning every sentence into a title, eg. “I Am Very Good Looking and Looking For A Hot Chick to Turn Me On”. Hmmm, interesting. Anyway, here is a tidbit from his profile and I have to say - points for honesty but kicks in the nuts for outright douchebaggery.

"The Woman Must Be Very Attractive. Sorry No muts. See I'm a Cute Guy and walking around with a chick that looks like she just got hit with a frying pan ain't cuttin it. Really Strictly Hotties or Cuties. She has to have a brain too. No dip shits. I'd rather talk to a telephone pole than a ding bat."

I have to say, I’m torn between being flattered that he finds me a “Strictly Hottie or Cutie”. But he’s obviously a total asshat and again, I wonder, why me? WHYYYYY ME, GOD?! Would it kill you to send me one half-way decent, slightly normal guy?!

WORK NON-ROMANCES

This dickweed I used to work with IM'ed me today about his leaving (like I could give a rats ass) and then he hamfistedly brought up the fact that I could "have" him if I wanted to now, since we don't work together anymore. Is this guy fucking kidding me? His one attempt at wooing me consisted of him saying "let's go back to your hotel room" when we happened to be in the same city one week and me laughing because no grown man could possibly think that that would be an acceptable come on (esp. when both of us were totally sober) but when he corrected me and said that it WAS a come on, I was just embarrassed for him and prayed we would never speak of it again. Surprisingly, this happens to me a lot. Another example of an awkward work come on was this guy who was so fucking annoying because he was constantly trying to overcompensate for the fact that he is totally FUG and would speak to women in a condescending and patronizing tone, and say shit like "the origins of organized religion started with..." or "the true translation of the pickle is..." like anyone could give a shit - tried to kiss me in a cab one night after a work event and when I pushed him away he proceeded to tell me how as soon as he left the company he would ask me out "proper" (so I guess fucking would be ok for now though, right asshat?!) and then when I said I wasn't interested he proceeded over the next 5 minutes of the cab ride to try and align his disgusting (smelly too) beard on my face to the point I literally had to grab his face and shove it against the window of the cab! WTF?!?! Another guy that I was actually set up on a date with (he worked in another office) turned out to be the biggest douchebag EVER! The night started out with him showing up in a dirty and aged and wrinkled button down shirt, then proceeded with him disparaging the fact that I am literate enough to read books, and then followed up with him hitting on the bartender when I went to the bathroom and for the big finish, it turns out that I had been charged for all our drinks! Jesus Effing Christ!! There must some work rumor that I am some kind of pity machine for losers or something. I guess the problem is that I am just too nice. I should work on that.

I HATE PEOPLE

I really hate this girl in my office who now sits near me because we had to do an office reshuffling to accommodate more people moving in. First of all, she doesn't shut the fuck up, all day long, chatty fucking cathy, and then she INVITES people to come down and chat with her and THEN when she's not talking she's listening to that shitty Justin Timberlake album and I swear if I hear that goddamn Sexy/Back song one more fucking time, I am going to stab her with a blunt instrument!! What is it with people who think everything is about them?! This girl moves in the space where it's just my department and now we have to gossip through IM because she's so fucking nosy and gossipy, we're afraid she's going to tell people. She moved to us, she should respect OUR rules! Ugh, another issue I have with her is that she's one of those people who is always fucking happy. It's really annoying to hear her sing-songy "HIIIIII"s all day long but you know what, just the fact that she is breathing so close to me is annoying. I wish people like this would just die and leave me alone. Is that too much to ask?? IS IT?!

I DON'T HEART DATING

Seriously I am just sick of it. I used to love dating, meeting someone you liked, getting to know them - all that jazz. Now all I meet are pathetic losers who are afraid to speak to women, or who who have no social graces or are so fucking obnoxious, NO ONE would have them! I've always relied on my instinct with men, first impressions were very important to me. But then I was getting to my late 20's and still nobody I'd really spend more than a weekend with. So I decided to change my outlook and give guys more of a chance instead of just writing them off because they are bestest with their ex or are a little too "relaxed" when it came to working. Perhaps there are hidden depths and I was being too hasty?? Well you know what, NO. Turns out there are no hidden depths to men (I know, shocker right?!) and my first instinct was right and I wasted my time with some pretty obvious losers. So now I started doing the "date everyone" tactic, and I can't recommend this either because "everyone" consists of (amongst other things); criminals, STD carriers, nerds (and not those hipster nerds, REAL nerds with pocket protectors and Star Wars collections and calls to mom every 10 fucking seconds), meatheads, swingers, exes and friends of exes, spit talkers, hypocondriacs, lawyers and other assorted douchebags and asswipes. So since I'm already pretty much single and lonely I say FUCK IT. I will not spend one more second on anyone who does not meet my stringent* set of of rules. I don't give a shit if I am single forever, I am just not doing it anymore! No more uncomfortable dates, no more awkward the next day IM'ing where you have to say things like "you're a really nice guy but there's just no chemistry" when you really want to say "how dare you make me pay half!" no more giving up that 3rd drink so you won't look like a lush, no more "I LOVE internet poker too!", no more bullshit. Fuck dating and fuck men. And no, I'm not bitter, I'm just sick of wasting my valuable time on idiots. FUCK!

*no fatties or fuckfaces

FRIVILOUS LAWSUIT OF THE DAY

A woman is threatening to sue Toys R Us because she was asked to take her breastfeeding to the private area they set up ESPECIALLY for nursing mothers. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! First of all, why should whipping out an engorged breast and having an infant "feed" like some disgusting parasite, IN PUBLIC, be a civil liberty and be allowable anywhere the mother goes?? Why do these women who have had unprotected sex get more benefits than someone like me, who takes precautions and does not add to the overpopulation of the world? I'M A GOOD NEIGHBOR! Who the fuck does this woman think she is, suing people, for simply asking her to do it someplace else? Now we can't even approach people who are making us uncomfortable, we have to just sit there and take it?? FUCK THAT BITCH. Hey Miss I Can Get Knocked Up, I hate to tell you this but sometimes life is just difficult and it doesn't always run your way. Instead of suing over something ridiculous like this, why don't you worry about your kid, it turns out - I'm psychic and I can see its going to have an eating disorder and be on anti-depressants in the next 10 years because its mother is such a fucking shrew. And I'm also sick of these asshole cunty lawyers who always have something to prove and act like they are going to be the next Sandra Day O'Conner and change the "law". Fuck that, get a real job.

SELFISH ASSHOLES

You know when you go out to your local bagel/coffee/bakery shop and they have those benches outside?? You know what fuckers?? They're not meant for you to move in for the day and save seats for all your friends!! You sit, eat and leave so that other people can sit there. And if you didn't buy anything, then get the fuck up! I fucking hate it when this happens or how about when you're sitting there quietly eating and drinking and like a family of 12 comes and sits down and takes up all of the fucking oxygen and basically make you move because you don't have a family of 12 to counter theirs. Is it really necessary for you to take out the fucking 3 seat stroller with 6 diaper bags and assorted toys and kids and pets for a FUCKING CUP OF COFFEE?!?!! That's why you have Chuck E Cheez dickface. I'm not saying you aren't entitled to coffee or outdoor seating, just not when I'm there. Get it? Got it? GOOD!

I HEART THIS CRAIGSLIST POSTER

Perusing craiglist today and came across this. Since its a male who seems to share my same pet peeves, it's not surprising that some other hussy has already sunk her claws into him, but I thought I'd re-post his surprisingly (for a guy) lucid and helpful advice for all, no editing.

Ok, first of all I'm a guy. I know you asked for women's advice but I thought I'd throw you a couple things that worked for me. I was on Match.com and found a great girl, etc, etc... I have no idea what you are like or who you would like to meet but here's a couple pointers:

1. When picking out a picture of yourself to post, wear a shirt, don't flex and don't look like you are preparing to slip her a mickey and drag her back to your basement apartment at your mom's house. In other words, look friendly and genuine.

2. When describing what your interests are, lay off the obvious. We ALL like to spend time with friends, cook dinner, go out to a bar and sometimes stay in and watch a movie. Be original! If you have no original interests, show some humor and joke about that fact. It may get you somewhere.

3. Speaking of humor, be funny enough to keep their interest but don't try too hard. You will come across annoying.

4. DO NOT WINK. Did you hear that??? DO NOT WINK!!! Women get hundreds of winks a week, or day depending. You will not stand out among them, I assure you. Drop a QUICK line. Not your life story, but not something creepy and short either like, "I think I love you".

5. If someone does not write you back, forget it. Here's why: They are not interested for whatever reason and if you hound them, you are automatically the weird match.com stalker. Most women on there join in packs of dozens. They trade stories, send each other the newest match.com rejects/psychos/stalkers... odds are that you will piss one off and then try to write to someone who is their best friend. You just ruined your chances with 2-12 women. Not good. It's slim pickings on there to begin with. Especially if you're looking within 5 miles of your area code. Oh, that also goes for using the ol' "copy and paste emails", too. Keep them personal, original and pertaining to something they wrote in their profiles. It shows you did more than look at their picture and think they are hot. They compare these emails with each other's and the last thing you want is carbon paper ink all over your introductions.

6. When you start talking with someone, make the emails a little more personal and longer as you go. Do not keep writing, "So, how was your day today?" after the 10th email. That gets played out real quick and they will most likely move on to another guy.

7. Try planning to meet up or just talk over the phone sooner than later to show you are interested. Give her YOUR number and put the ball in HER court. Women don't like to give out their number over the internet and I don't blame them one bit. HEY! NOW WHO'S LOOKING CONSIDERATE?? That's you, big guy!

8. When picking a name for yourself on there, stay FAR AWAY from names like, "Flexing4U", "GoYanks", "84TransAm", etc etc... Basically, don't come across like a meathead. Even if you happen to be one.

9. Lastly, you see that picture of Lawrence Taylor you attached to your CL post? Yeah.... lose that. No pics of your football heroes, car, triceps, weight bench, pets, you kissing a little baby (they aren't going to think that you are the sweetest guy going.. you'll have to prove that later on after you meet her).

10. Wait, I lied... one more. Be sure to spell EVERY SINGLE WORD CORRECTLY with full knowledge of the English language, punctuation and grammar. Learn to use spellcheck and/or make friends with someone who does. Remember, "Their" is completely different from "There"...

IDIOTIC COMMERCIAL

I really cannot stand these fucking retarded Yoplait commercials. I hate that girls' rat face and stupid "chocolate" comparisons. Obviously some fat-asses (see image) "connect" with these commercials, so they keep making more of them but its fucking ridiculous now. "Trying on chocolate shoes while getting a foot massage, good"?!?!?! WTF? Chocolate shoes?! That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Between those asinine GAP commericials (which seem to be on every 10 fucking seconds) and these moronic Yopliat ads I can't watch TV anymore. Someone pull the plug on this ad campaign or I am going on a shooting spree and starting with all things Yoplait. It is not "c'est ce bon".

EFFED UP KIDS NAMES

I really hate these retarded names that celebrities are using on their kids. I mean seriously, why would you do this to your kids?? Do you not remember how merciless kids were when you were young? Did you not see that Simpson’s episode when Marge and Homer were thinking what to name Bart? I know this is not a new rant (none of mine really are) but it got set off tonight when I was reading the new UsWeekly and there was a picture of Tea Leoni and her son, Kyd. KYD! WTF?!?!?! That is the most horrible name ever! I mean I hate when people name their dog, Dog, but your kid, Kyd?! That’s just fucking mean, lady.

FRIVILOUS LAWSUIT OF THE DAY

UGH, I just saw this on the Today show, Kitson the LA fashion boutique (double ugh for actually typing that) is suing UsWeekly, FOR NOT SAYING THEIR NAME ENOUGH IN THE MAGAZINE!! What the fuck world are we living in that we now sue people for not giving us enough free advertising? Who the fuck do these Kitson people think they are?? First of all, these people call the paparazzi themselves when celebrities are shopping there which causes a complete clusterfuck, which in turn causes people like Nicole Ritchie to cry so there, you're job is done, fuckers. The story is that UsWeekly is not "crediting" them enough in photo's (because the giant fucking bag that says KITSON'S weighing down the celebrity's bodyguards' arm isn't enough) Kitson's says they lose $10k a week in sales when they don't have their name mentioned. Give me a fucking break. If some judge doesn't laugh in their face and throw this out, then I don't know what the fuck has happened to our legal system. Frankly I don't know why anyone shops at fucking Kitson's, all they do is make a money out of your personal pain so why the fuck should anyone care about them?? And how long before the "Team UsWeekly" trucker cap comes out??

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS??

Bisexuals. I just don't believe such a thing exists naturally (I know it exists though). If, as the gay community would have us believe, that being gay is part of a person's genetic makeup and not a personal choice, I think being bi is something that is 100% a person's choice. An extremely selfish, self centered, childish person. Don't even try to tell me a person can't help wanting to fuck the entire planet! I mean why the fuck should you be allowed to have sex and relationships with men AND women and no repercussions because you're bi?? And for the people who date them, how can you ever really fully trust them?? I mean here is a person who is basically telling you "the whole worlds' my oyster - for fucking!" How can you know they're not sleeping with your brother and your sister?! I mean give me a fucking break, do you really think we are buying into this bullshit? Like you agonize over a decision to be with men or women and just can't?? :( Poor little insecure you. Fuck you, pick a sexuality and stick with it but I'm not buying the "bi".

CONSTRUCTION

Ugh, the school across the way from me has been under construction for almost TWO YEARS now and it's so fucking annoying!! It's all outside facade work and now that school is back in session, they have to work at nights so they are there from the time I get home from work and they work until midnight EVERY FUCKING NIGHT!!!! It's all drilling and scraping and hammering and knocking shit off the scaffolding and pouring water all night and it's literally driving me INSANE!! And then they work weekends too!! Saturday and Sunday. It's just a constant din all day and all night!! Shouldn't I get a rent reduction with this? This is completely ruining my lifestyle!! So fucking annoying!

STUPID PANTS FASHION...

I'm really hating this whole skinny pant trend that we are currently being bombarded with. Apparently the deal is we spend 2 years proclaiming that Nicole Ritchie and Kate Bosworth et al. are TOO THIN(!) and then we start an entire seasonal trend catering to this .00001 percent of the population that can actually live and breathe while suffering from an eating disorder?!?! What about the rest of the planet that actually eats a meal?? Now we are basically being punished for being normal, while the anorexics get new fashion? That's bullshit!

And while we're at it, GAP, WTF is with the "Audrey" pant??? Highwaters with white socks and loafers are "in"?! Isn't this just the Michael Jackson look anyway?? Are we bringing back pleather jackets with multiple zippers to go with them? UGH, you know what - I fucking hate the GAP anyway. Their most recent campaign before this ridiculous Audrey one, just reminded me of my Jr. Prom with the "Under the Stars and/or Sea" theme, I mean they've seriously resorted to stealing ideas from 14 year old girls and not even original 14 yr olds either!

SALESGUYS ARE LIKE OPEN SORES

So I haven't posted in a few days and I'll tell you why. I am dealing with the biggest asshole salesperson at work and he's totally turned a simple thing into a gigantic fucking mess, and has somehow gotten the CEO, GC and both VP's of Sales, involved and now I am forced to do shit like have meetings with everyone, finally culminating in a meeting with AS (Asshole Salesguy) and CEO to discuss "our issues" and now I have to spend my days leading up to that glorious event pulling all the nasty emails AS has ever sent to me as evidence that I don't have a fucking issue, that it's AS who has issues and I don't need this shit all fucking day long. Suffice it to say, I spent many many hours the past few days on calls with my boss and their boss and everyfuckingone, discussing what to do and it's taken up all my valueable blogging and drinking time! :(

Anyway after world war 3 erupted over a simple sentence in an email, and after talking to a lot of different people, the consensus is that NO ONE LIKES AS! They all want to see him fired and this includes his bosses, but they are too much of pussies to do it themselves so they are waiting for me to do the job for them. WTFF!?!? Salesguys are a dime a fucking dozen, fire the asshole. No one gets along with him, he's not bringing in sales anymore, and he's a complete fucktard. WHY is this person still employed and WHY do I need to do the dirty work for you??

UGH! I fucking hate sales. Anyway, I hope to do better on the posts.

WHO THE FUCK WOULD DATE THESE WOMEN??

So last week we did the men and now we will do women. I will say that men who date these women probably do it because they actually like them, not for money, or celebrity status, as women are apt to do with men. Which begs the question, 'WHY??' It's a serious question, I'd really like to know what it is about these women that draws men to them, I need all help I can get!


Chloe Sevigny - I really dislike this person, it's irrational, I know, I just can't seem to find one thing to like about her which of course means why would anyone else?! From her distastrious fashion choices that are just so desperately "look at meeee!" to her choice in movie roles and attitude (if you're going to give someone, Vincent Gallo no less!, a blowjob in a movie you better be prepared to fucking talk about it!) to her questionable hygeine "My mother and my brother were so thrilled [about her cutting her hair off] because my hair had always been so greasy, and I always wore it in my face." But also, she's just really homely and bland. I don't find her attractive at all, not that she even tries! And isn't it all about impressing me?!?!


Anna Nicole Smith - jesus, could you imagine waking up to this drink and drug addled amazon every morning?! I kinda of feel like she deserved that money for being with that corpse but seriously, she is fucking frightening herself!!


Fergie - I just don't get it! She is dating one of the hottest guys out there and she's a fucking mess! Her face is busted, she pees in her pants, her music is HORRENDOUS!! CHRIST! If I have to listen to that fucking idiotic "London Bridge" song again, I am going to have to burst my own eardrums! I will grant you she's got a hot body, but is that all there is in life*?!?! PS, isn't that band guy in that picture cute in a like an ethnic leprechaun way??

OK, well my rant kind of ran out steam because I couldn't upload any more pictures, but we'll pick this up another day because I have more.

*don't answer that

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS??

Starbucks. The whole experience is just soul crushing and demeaning. First of all, you have wait on a line that is like 20 fucking deep and it doesn't move fast either. Then you finally get close enough to one of those douchebag barrista's, and what the fuck is that?? Is EMPLOYEE too common for you?! Now you're a fucking "barrista"?! But now, they don't say anything, they just RAISE THEIR ARM when they're ready to take your order! WTF?? First of all, there are always like 4 or 5 of them in a row and I can't see past 5 - 6' tall men to notice if you're raising your fucking arm, and I don't need the cunt behind me sighing loudly and sirening "NEXT" in my fucking ear, so you know what, give a number or a shout or something. And then sometimes they ask your name and sometimes they don't - which to me is like Radio Shack asking for your home phone number. Obviously you can operate without it, and half the time its spelled wrong anyway, so mind your own fucking business, MISTER BARRISTA. And then you're herded down to the other end to pick up your drink and there are always like 10 people milling around and always one or two people that mosey on down and park right in front of the table where the drinks come out, effectively blocking everyone else who's already waiting and HELLO dickfaces, those other drinks are coming out first! So now everyone has to angle around you and listen to you giggle "oops, that's not mine, saawwy!" as you manhandle everything that is put down on the table. THEN you have to wait on another frigging line to put milk or sugar in your coffee and there is always that one woman in her Alfred Dunner career-wear and tragically sensible shoes, desperately trying to hold on to her 3o's and acting like a kick ass corporate whatever, who needs to put her splenda's in one at time and stir it and taste it and add another and WTF BITCH?!?! You know you take 3 every day so put three in at once and get out of the fucking way.

And all this is for an overpriced, CRAPPY cup of coffee and a refrigerated muffin. I don't know why I do this every day, I try to break the habit and I've realized that I just forget how sucky this is until I am on that goddamn line!

PEOPLE WHO ANNOY ME

You know what I really hate? These people that go running and feel it necessary to jog in place at intersections. ITS TWO FUCKING SECONDS! I really don't see how its prolonging your workout and frankly, I find it patronizing. I like when the light turns red because I get a mandatory 30 second break! It's just so annoying that you feel you're better than me because you can jog in place. Oh yeah buddy?! You think you're better than me?! IT'S GO TIME!*

Oh and for that matter, little miss "I have beautiful long flowing blonde tresses", put your hair in a goddamn ponytail, we all thinks its the bee's knees but you're fucking RUNNING, you asshat!!

*mandelbaum, mandelbaum....

BABY STROLLERS

I fear my neighborhood is being taken over by these things and I'll tell you right now, I don't like it. I am so sick of going out to eat at a nice place and then having to hear some fucking kid screaming its head off, or finding crayons on the table, or having to maneuver around some fucking 8 person carriage contraption when you're on the sidewalk going to the next bar! Why do we allow this? Instead of us trying to keep out the blacks and the gays, why don't we focus on what we all really hate - kids?! I mean nothing brings your single and lonely status more into focus than your deadbeat friends, the last 2 holdouts, the ones that make bongs out of fruit and eat something called "leftover casserole" bringing home a baby but not moving to LI like all good people should do. Now you have them in your face all the time, wanting to bring the kid everywhere you go but you can't complain because you're friends right? But then because these "friends" want to stay hip and cool you're required to be the 3rd wheel at every event even though these events were made for single people like YOU!! Where does it end??? I for one am taking stand! I am no longer going to put up with crying kids, if I hear one, I'm complaining to management. If I trip over your stupid ass carriage I am going to sue you, motherfucker. I really just long for the days when there were crack pipes and used condoms on the floor, not cheerios and "ba-ba's". And I will not rest (from complaining) until that happens again!!

WHAT IS THE EFFING POINT?

The other night I was out, at a bar. I noticed that the bar had a whole line of generic clear vodka bottles across it so when the bartender came over to take my order I asked if they had Stoli and he said they did and I ordered a Stoli Oh and tonic. When the drink came I noticed that it was kind of cloudy but it tasted ok, a little sweeter than Stoli oh but whatever, obviously they "make" their own vodka and even though he lied to me I let it go because it was an aussie bar (I feared a bloody brawl if the bartender thought I was questioning him) and the drinks were pretty cheap, and the bartender was cute. But then after eating, I started getting a little drunk and a little flirtatious (not pretty) so when I ordered another one, I confronted him on the fact that that it wasn't really Stoli and that he shouldn't say it is and then he proceeds to tell me the most ridiculous line that has now totally convinced me that eating kangaroo makes you retarded. His line is that IT IS Stoli but they infuse it themselves with oranges (which is illegal he informs me). WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU INFUSING A VODKA THAT ALREADY COMES IN A HANDY INFUSED FORMULA?!?!?!!? WTF kind of happy horseshit is this?? Do they really expect me to believe that they take a top shelf vodka, then mix in oranges and god knows what other garbage and it comes out all cloudy and shit and people actually prefer that?! And lets face it, does anyone really believe that its STOLI?? We all know its some random shit that comes out of a koala bears ass. What pisses me off is that he knows goddamn well its not Stoli but he lies to me (and presumably everyone else) and then has the nerve to keep a straight face while implying that people actually like it better!! I may have been born at night, but it wasn't last night, buster!

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS??

People who read the NY Times on the train like they are in their house, on their couch, with the tv on and their feet up. WHAT the FUCK dude?!?! Do you not realize that holding a newspaper that measures 4 fucking feet wide across - open - is disturbing people?? Have you not had the lesson where you are supposed to FOLD the fucking paper to the column you are reading?! Do you think the entire row of seats around you all want to have your arms and hands in front of their face?? How are you this fucking self centered?? Look around you numbnuts, NO ONE else is reading like that. Have some goddamn courtesy if you are going to ride the fucking train, you rude motherfucker.

NO FUCKING MANNERS

People these days have no fucking manners!! Its just digusting. I'm not Miss Manners or Emily Post or anything, but seriously, WTF?!?!?! On the subway, there is always someone that hogs the entire goddamn fucking pole when there are like 3000 people trying to cram inside and we're all left to try and wedge our hands on a spot and still not touch your fat ass or disgusting soft, mushy, cellulite-y tits. Its so fucking annoying, I'm sorry, did you just buy all the rights to this pole?? And how fucking oblivious are you that you don't see your entire fucking body blocking 45 people trying to hang on?!?! And for that matter, if the train is packed, its FUCKING FULL!! Stop trying to cram your fat fucking ass on the train by yelling at people to move in. Because seriously the next time you do, I'm gonna fucking shiv you and push you out as the doors close. I've fucking had it! I'm a small person and I always get stuck with some fat black dude shoving his cock against my hip and his undeodorized armpit in my fucking face.

Or how about the people who have no table manners. They chew with their mouths open, and/or they talk with food in there, both of which force food to fly out directly ONTO MY FACE AND FOOD!! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!?! How do you get to be an adult without learning some fucking rudimentary table manners. And why is your napkin filthier than your plate, its goes in the hole asshat, not on your face, its not fucking paint!! And why is there food floating in your goddamn wine glass?? Do you not know that you're supposed to swallow after chewing? I can't eat a meal like this. I'd rather see my 90 year old aunts teeth floating in a glass than your fucking half masticated veal paillard!

Or the people who sneeze/yawn/cough without covering their mouths. WHAT THE FUCK DUDE?!?!?! I don't need your fucking hepetitis or herpes or HIV. If I am going to get a disease, I want to get it the old fashioned way, unprotected sex and dirty needles. Don't try to convert me to your airborne disease infection way. UGH, just writing this is making me sick, I'm starting to gag. See what you've done!

I don't get it, these are basic manners that you are taught as a child. Who the fuck raised you, dingos?? Jesus christ!