OOO, SO YOU BETTER MISS ME BITCHES!

Hey whores! I’m going on vacay* today for a week**, but I’ll be checking in periodically*** with random youtube clips and family/vacation rants! I’ll miss**** you all*****!!

* drinking binge in the Caribbean
**10 days
*** if “periodically” means “never”
**** thoughts of you will not cross my mind
***** all 3 of you

TAKE NOTES FELLAS

this is waaaay to long to watch comfortably, but you might learn something...

SOMEONE GOT MY SATURDAY NIGHTS ON TAPE!!

This dog is hot shit, seriously this is how I spend all my free time!

CRACKHEADS

How fucking coked up is Kate Moss?? She’s either completely cracked out or she’s the worlds most insecure person. NO ONE has that much of an inferiority complex that they would not only have a sexual relationship with Pete Doherty, but then get pregnant AND engaged by and to him!! Right?? RIGHT?!?! Where are her friends?? Where are her parents?? If I were dating a publicly known drug addict my brothers would kick his ass and then mine! Someone needs to wake that bitch up and dry her out before she starts populating the world with crackhead supermodel babies.

CRAZY SHIT

Can you believe this shit that Heather Mills is coming out with regarding her divorce from Paul McCartney?! And I know, I know, I wasn’t involved in their personal life so how can I comment, but Heather is a KNOWN liar and fantasist and this is just the next logical step for her in her bid for money and complete notoriety. I just can’t see Sir Paul making her drag herself to the bathroom in the middle of the night because she couldn’t put her leg on, or stabbing her with a broken wine glass, or even saying something as ridiculous as telling her that she cannot breast feed because those breasts where “his”. WTF?!?!?!! That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Just for the sake of comparison this is a man who spent 30 years with his first wife, Linda, a devoted animal rights advocate and a vegetarian (whom Mills is now saying was also abused by Sir Paul and a woman who will use any type of sensational maneuver to get in the press. I don’t know, you decide.

ORSON WELLES

ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST

I had another crapola date last night. First of all, the guy sends me 4 text messages before the date, even though we had already confirmed things the day before, consisting of 1. Are we still on, 2. what time? (WTF what time, what fucking time did we say yesterday??) 3. what’s the dresscode? and 4. so jeans are ok? UGH, I’m already fucking over you.

So I arrive and of course, it’s the one guy not in an ironic sweater with suede patches on the elbows that I am meeting. He’s wearing a work shirt from his fire company with a stretched out long sleeve thermal underwear shirt underneath that, really old jeans that are like a faded powder blue with old dirt stains, unshaven face. I get there and he’s doing shots. SHOTS on a first date?!?! Before I even ARRIVE?? So I sit, he loudly overshares that he’s not used to “YUPPIE BARS”. Then he makes me order our food because he “doesn’t know what those words mean”. He then orders his 3rd beer and now they are out of Corona so he has to order a Sierra Nevada Pale Ale and he lets me and the rest of the bar know that he “never drank a YUPPIE BEER” as he pulls out a well worn Corona beer cozy (I shit you not, a beer fucking cozy) to cover the SNPA label and his shame in being forced to drink something that doesn’t have “High Life” or “King of Beers” in the advertising. He calls me a yuppie and then the neighborhood a yuppie (does this guy know any other fucking words??) and when I try to explain the difference between yuppie (which the bar was not) and hipster/hoofus (which the bar was) he couldn’t see the difference and then let me know in no uncertain terms that I was “geographically undesirable”. ME?? He lives in Staten Fucking Island!!! I’m geographically undesirable? The only reason I went out on this shitty date with this assclown was because we set it up like 3 weeks ago and I kept blowing him off but he worked in the neighborhood and was amenable to meeting not far from my place. (I’ve gotten so lazy with dating that now that I won’t date anyone who makes me go someplace to meet them on the first date, they have to meet me and not more than 1 mile from my apt or I don’t go. True story.).

So at this point I am just trying to figure out an out because he’s started hinting about getting some gum so “we won’t have garlic breath” and really, there is no way that we are going to be in a position to worry about our breath, I’d rather make out with the bartender who btw knows that this is a “blind date” because this moron has been telling her all about me whenever I go to the bathroom and in between his shots of SoCo and Lime. Finally after his 9th beer and 4th shot I tell him that I have to go home to be up early today and then he doesn’t even offer me a ride home!! He brings his motorcycle with the one seater which means he had no intentions of being a gentleman at all!! It’s just as well though, because I really do not want him knowing where I live but still, saying “you ok to walk home by yourself?” isn’t getting you a second date. So now I am walking home and he has texted me 5 times. FIVE FUCKING TIMES. He wants to go to Coney Island and get a Nathan’s hotdog and ride the Cyclone, he wants to go see an IMAX movie, he wants to go the Botanical Gardens… Is this guy for fucking real? He shows up in dirty old clothes looking like he may have a problem with hygiene, then he makes derogatory comments all through the evening about me, my neighborhood, the restaurant, the food, he drinks WAY TOO MUCH for a first date, and then he makes me walk home by myself and he thinks we’re going out again? Don't hold your breath, assface.

WTF?!?!

CHEAP AND TACKY

I recently got an invitation to a wedding of a friend of friend, and I was appalled to see that it would be a cash bar. CASH BAR FOLKS!! Are you fucking kidding me? I am going to spend hundreds of dollars on your bachelorette party, bridal shower, wedding gift, dress and shoes for the wedding itself, transportation to and fro, hotel room for the night and various other expenses and you can't even buy me a fucking drink?! How tacky is this?? And what is even more galling is the fact that this couple has rented one of the most expensive wedding halls in the area!! This fat bitch who I don't even LIKE, is so pretentious and competitive, she buys Tiffany jewelry because her friend buys it, Coach handbags because another friend collects them, Jimmy Choo shoes because I wear them and now she needs to rent a hall to act like she's so "classy and trendy" but fucking makes her guests pay for their own drinks!! This is going to have the complete opposite effect than what she is going for because instead of people talking about how wonderful her reception was and how thrilled they were to be there, they are instead going to bitch about how cheap the cash bar was. Good, this tasteless cow deserves nothing better. In any event, I'm not going, I am going to save my money and send her the cheapest gift on her registries (she has 3).

KITTIES

I don't know why I'm posting these....

Probably because I have ladybits (vagina).

PLEASE STOP THE MADNESS

Can someone please put a stop to all these celebrity adoptions?! If Britney Spears goes and adopts an African kid like she's been threatening because Madonna is her hero (her fucking HERO), I am going to flip the fuck out. I am a product of adoption and I support it 100% but come on, you can't help but think that adopting a child for celebrities is the new teacup yorkie and not just any child, a child of "color". Hello, RACIST anyone?! If you really want to help these people, why don't you adopt one of those Eastern European kids that are forced into the sex trade at age 3 and now are so fucked up, they can't function and could use your money for therapy or how about a Mexican kid, or better yet, how about one in America, what too "real" for you?? Are Africa and Asia the only continents with orphans? Or how about this, instead of taking a kid that has a father AND a grandmother Madonna, why don't you just give $1,000,000 to one of those orphanages so ALL the kids benefit. Do you have any idea how far that would go?! Or how about making a trip out there every year to teach these people to farm and evolve so they can get out of poverty? Or hey, what if you even donated money to have full time doctors out there to help with the disease that runs rampant from poor diet and irrigation?! I know people adopt children all the time and for the right reasons and I applaud that, but most celebrities do everything with a cold calculating PR person whispering in their ear. These self righteous assholes act like they are bringing the plight of these countries to everyone's notice but all they are doing is garnering publicity for themselves.

AM I TOO OLD TO GET THIS??

What is with these ridiculous names that rap and hip-hop artists affect? I understand that celebrities/artists/assclowns like to have a stage name but I really don't get it, so maybe someone can help me out. Below is a random sampling with their real name as well. They're imaginitive, to say the least.

Young Leek - Talik Baker
Beenie Man - Anthony Moses David
B-Legit - Brandt Jones
Droop-E - Earl Stevens Jr.
Gangsta Boo - Lola Mitchell
Killah Priest - Walter Reed
Kurupt - Ricardo Brown
Lord Finesse - Robert Hall
Oowee - Walter Tucker
Peedi Crack - Pedro Zayas
Sticky Fingaz - Kirk Jones
Young Bleed - Glenn Clifton Jr.
Young Real - Rajal Wisdom II
Yukmouth - Jerold Ellis Jr.

A DOG'S REVENGE

I forgot to take the garbage out with me this morning and when I got home of course my dog has eaten through it all day and now she is farting and it reeks. Not really a rant, it was my fault for forgetting to take it out, a dog's gotta do what a dog's gotta do, but seriously, since I've gotten home she's just been crop dusting all over the place. There are very few things that are more rancid than a dog passing wind.

I WON'T LIKE IT, TRUST ME

Why do people think it's appropriate to impose themselves on other people?? I have a friend who has the worst taste in movies, I mean seriously, I watch some crappy movies (Rob Schneider comes to mind) but this person is alway recommending some shit with Tara Reid or Robin Williams and you just KNOW that the movie is going to suck without even seeing a preview but they insist that it was "so hilarious dude, fucking laughed my ass my off, you gotta see it you'll love it, I promise". And even after you tell this person that you hate the movies they are always recommending they still have to do it.

Or my friend who is always telling me to try some half assed, about to be shut down restaurant in some random place in Queens or some "amazing" new Ethopian place that's always "in that place that looks like an abandoned luggage factory but really isn't". Listen asshat, the last I checked Ethopians eat rice that we send over there in air cargos and like dingo meat, why the fuck would I want to risk my life by getting botulism poisoning to go to a place where even cabs don't go?!

Here's a tip folks. I don't like anything. Just because you feel the need to be so *trendy* it hurts, leave me the fuck out of it. I have trust issues, so the minute you start in about me liking that movie, that restaurant, your doctor, your nephew who takes shits that look like dead presidents, your friend(s), your outfit or anything else where I have not been directly involved in the decision making process, believe me it guarantees that I will hate it, so save your breath and our friendship by never recommending anything to me again.

ME TIME

I was talking to my one *friend* at work today (well basically ranting as usual) about how everyone I work with are mentally challenged and how I'm so much better than them (I am, trust me) and listing out today's retardedness and then she chimes in with her "oh I know, like earlier blah blah...". Dude, WTF?! This is my rant, my anger, my expressiveness!! Don't fucking interrupt my unconstructed diatribes to give me an example of your shitty co-workers!! I don't care about you, this is MY TIME motherfucker. If she does this again, I will have to find another person to rant to, teach her a lesson on interrupting.

WINTER'S COMING

Time to find someone special to snuggle up with!!

NEW PHONE

I just bought this new Treo smartphone and this thing is so fucking smart that the text messaging does not work. Oh way to be a genius there smartphone, you're so busy showing me how to connect to the internet and record videos that you forgot how to do basic functions like fucking TEXT MESSAGING!! Don't get me wrong, it's a hot phone, but it pisses me off when phones get too fancy and then you can't do all the things you used to do on them - like you have to find other ways to do them. I'm already fucking evolved, if this phone thinks it's gonna have me do things "smarter" it's got another thought coming. Although it did take me a like a fucking day to figure out how to turn it on. So maybe it wouldn't hurt if I read that 200 page manifesto it calls a manual.

EBAY

I think bidders on ebay have to be some of the stupidest people alive. I mean you get these people together in a room with the retarded guy in my neighborhood who walks around shouting gibberish and with his face and shirt covered in drool and the retarded guys' IQ goes up 50 points. It drives me nuts when the auction is lasting 5, 7, 10 days whatever, and some asshat starts bidding like he's fucking Rockefeller on the second fucking day!! Or the people that ask stupid questions like "is that the real color of the item in the pictures?" or "what's the shipping charge to Kansas?" Read the fucking listing you morons, all this shit is there! I'm convinced that these people are people that online food delivery and universities, were created for. Stupid, lazy, porn and cheeto addicted fatasses who can't think for a second or it might burn a calorie, they need to troll ebay bidding on shit that they can never afford and asking random questions so they can get a response and feel like a functioning part of society. Well you're not, so stop driving up the price of the crap I want and annoying me.

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THIS MESSAGE

When did it become standard for all these politicians to "approve this message" on their commercials? I noticed it a few years ago, but now it seems like all of them do this. What is the reasoning behind this?? Obviously you'd have to approve it because you're in the fucking ad to begin with and otherwise it wouldn't be airing, correct? I mean I can't see some rogue campaign staffer putting up a TV ad without it being approved, like it wouldn't trace right back to him? Who the fuck cares if you approve the message, they're all lying, closeted homosexual, money grubbing bastards anyway.

ACT OF ALEC?

What the fuck is with people?!?!? As soon as Cory Lidle's plane crashed into that that apartment building on the UES, the first thought that came out was "was this terrorism?" or "no word whether this was an act of terrorism" or "no link to terrorism found YET" or the best - courtesy of Wolf Blitzer "How could this happen just five years after 9/11?". Are you fucking kidding?! Give me a goddamn break, a man farts on the the train these days and its a fucking act of terrorism! Sometimes idiots are flying planes and they crash, that's it. I mean seriously, terrorists figure they would shoot down a 2 seater airplane and launch it through an UES apartment building in the middle of the morning when normal people are at work. Yes, that's giving us pause. You knock out a few hack writers and actors and POTUS takes notice and wants to negotiate. Are these *terrorists* Polish?! And what the fuck is with all the "witnesses" they have on video? Did they find the craziest people living in NYC to interview? Do they all just congregate on the UES to begin with?! All I can say is thank God we can still make fun of the gays, because if you can't laugh at a homo, then THE TERRORISTS WIN.

SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SING

Why do singers have to go on stage on and act the fool? What do we care what your political leanings are, Dave Matthews Band, sing fucking Crash and shut the fuck up. Babs Striesand is the latest in this whole retarded bullshit drama, going so far to bring out a fucking Bush impersonator at her SECOND final concert, so she can humiliate him, I mean give me a fucking break already!! Who gives a shit?? And hello, 2006 called, bashing Bush is soooooo 2002. Leave the political statements to the people who actually live here and vote, we don't need some hasbeen celebrity to tell us what to think, we have the Daily Show motherfucker. So let me reiterate, this is NOT the Sonny and Cher Variety Hour, its a fucking concert, so sing the songs everyone paid waaaay too much money to hear you sing and get the fuck out my town.

MOZZYS

There are like a million mosquitos in my apartment this past week. I have gotten like a dozen bites, and every night they wake me up, I find it, kill it and go back to sleep and then an hour later there is another one!! WTF?? I hate closing the windows because I like a breeze but what can I do?? Wear bug spray to bed?! Plus my dog is up all night trying to catch them, I'm fucking exhausted from getting up all the time! I'll have to sleep with the fan on until Mother Nature comes and freezes those bastards to death. Fucking biting assholes!! That buzzing drives me insane. INSAAAAAAAANE

MISERY & HER COMPANY

What makes people so miserable? I was chatting* with a co-worker today about this girl who we have now dubbed "misery" and her stable of wannabe japs "company" and its just like what the fuck makes her this way?! Twice today I got caught with her in the bathroom and she's just staring into the mirror looking at herself with her makeup bag. First of all, if you're not "going to the bathroom" then get the fuck out. This is not your private bathroom for you to be staring at yourself moonily for hours on end! And then WTF is with the makeup?!?! She looks like a wet poodle on a good day, with her stringy hair and pursed up face like she's always supressing a fart. Makeup ain't helping sister! Maybe a personality lift would help?? And then we have Company who follow her around twittering and talking shit all fucking day, like lost ducklings. Jesus, get lost will ya! I hate these sour grapes people. Can't people find a happy medium between medicated happy and annoyingly cunty?! Fuck.

*ranting

FRIENDS ANNOY ME

I have this friend who is really starting to annoy me because all she does is bitch about not finding men to date and now she went to this wedding over the weekend and she got jealous because all the guys were so nice to their g/friends whatever so she's bummed out. So I'm like "well what do you do to meet guys" and it's always the same old thing "I never meet anyone blah, blah...". So I suggest she try an online site (she hasn't read this blog so she doesn't know how bad it sucks) and she gets all huffy and offended!! She was all like "I wouldn't like any guy who would be on an online dating site" and I was like "well sister you'd be surprised how many are, just because you don't meet them online doesn't mean they aren't." She didn't like that. Whatever, it's not my fucking problem, I just want her to stop whining already.

NEWS SUCKS

I hate the news. You turn it on and its always "shocking photos!" "don't let your kids watch this segment" "the unthinkable has happened" "the world is coming to a fucking end but I'm Rosanna "Lushbag" Scotto and I'm here to tell you how to save your soul from burning in hell for all eternity!". Give me a break here, just read the fucking news and leave the fear mongering and panic attacks and editorializing to the general public. Christ. Oh and while we're at it Today Show, this is a morning program, I never want to hear the words "bloody diarrhea" on your show EVER AGAIN! That's disgusting.

REMEMBER WHEN DOCTORS WERE DOCTORS??

You know, what the fuck is it with doctors these days?? I go to my asshole doctor (who really isn't an asshole, I'm just annoyed) today because I've been sick going on 3 weeks, but I thought I was getting better last week, but then it got worse this weekend, just looking for some sympathy and maybe a nice antibiotic prescription and a stern warning to not go back to work for a month and instead I get "it seems like the tail end of the flu, you should be good to go back to work tomorrow". THAT'S IT?! What happened to the days you go to the doctor with a bug bite and come out with 3 months of Vicodin and OxyContin?? Where is the humanity?? I should get something just because I trekked all the fucking way there!! Not even a lollipop for my troubles. I get "don't be such a pussy" and two Advils instead. I hate you.

GHOSTS OF EXES PAST

This has been the week of exes past (redundant, i know). First of all my ex-fiancee whom I broke up with when I found out he was cheating on me, finds my profile on match.com and of all the gall, sends me a goddamn WINK!! I immediately blocked him, but WTF is that?! A WINK?!?! After thinking about it for a few days the only conclusion I can come to is that this numbskull doesn't realize that it's ME! I mean we broke up 2 years ago and since then he emails me (to all my known addresses) or calls me, at least twice a month. I delete his emails and VM's without even listening to them and I certainly never call him back so what is with the fucking wink?!

Then this clown I went out with on two drunk pity dates (a year ago!) calls me out of the blue. Another one direct to VM. Then he sends me an email to tell me left me a VM. DELETE. How do I get the point across that I am not interested?!

Then this guy I went on a couple of dates with a few months ago, continues to call and email and IM and its like dude WTF?? I had to actually break up with this guy because he wasn't getting the "I'm too busy to hang out (with you)" speeches and it looks like I will have to have another one of these speeches but with more vitriol and anger. I mean really, he works in SALES for chrissake. EW. I just can't take this anymore, why do all the losers attach themselves to me?? I think I need to invent some type of "nerd be gone" or something, like anti-pheromone spray. Ohhh, I could be rich!

STUPID NAIL LADY

Why am I cursed with being such a pussy?! I go to the salon today for a much needed pedicure and eyebrow wax and as usual, the technician wipes out the descending arch part on my left eyebrow which basically makes me look retarded and really, you don't need to know that until it's too late. I try not to advertise it so openly. So when I point this out to her I get "oh yes, it's too thin, not enough hair". WTF??? The reason there is not enough hair is because you fucking waxed it off!! Instead of using the same piece of wax and hair encrusted cloth and randomly yanking, take some time and care so your customers are not running around with half eyebrows!! And yet she's so friendly and nice and she does an amazing pedicure that after this I still tip her 25%. I can't help it, I really am too fucking nice. I have to get over this.

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS??

When guys on match.com post as their main photo, a picture of them with an obvious (ex)
girlfriend. I mean you can see her right there in there in the picture, long blonde hair flowing, nice pert rack in a tube top, long legs and then a squiggle over her face! It's like yeah, I'm going to be compared to that?? I don't think so. Or the one where half the face/body is cropped. Hey douchy, if you can crop half of her you can do the whole thing! I get it, women better looking than me liked you at some point, you're desirable, I'm soooo lucky to be getting a wink from you, blah blah you cock. Get the fuck over it, and post a picture of just you in the main photo.

EARL SUCKING

I really liked "My Name is Earl" last season but seriously dudes, this season sucks so far! Each episode is more bizarre than the last and let me just tell you, bizarre doesn't always translate to funny. So far this season we have Joy stealing a fucking truck full of inventory from a Circuit City type store, Catalina worked at a strip joint but instead of stripping she jumps. Literally jumps up and down in the air. Thats her act. And of course, she's the number 1 act at that particular strip joint. And now the carnival folk. I mean come on - seriously what kind of fucked up town is this that instead of the travelling circus, its just a circus, this is where they live, all of them together?! And now it seems to be infused with a smarmy, self righteous, preachy tone at the end of each episode that frankly I don't think Earl would approve or even get. So who the fuck is writing is this, a monkey? Please someone at NBC do something about this terrible writing, you're wasting amazing talent with this storyline. It's just depressing to not laugh for a full 30 minutes.

PARASITE BEATDOWN

So as you all have heard by now, someone finally had the nerve to punch that bitch Paris Hilton in the face and as much as I am an enjoying the schadenfreude, I can't help thinking that its not nearly enough. I mean this girl makes it her job to steal her friends boyfriends, show her pussy at every possible public event, talk shit about everyone she comes in contact with and generally act like a fucking 12 year old cunt and this is it?!?! One punch?? Not even bruising. I need more. I need someone to take a baseball bat to her skull and wipe that smug look off her face or at least bloody it. I need Joe Pesci to administer a beat down worthy of Goodfellas. What do you think someone would charge for this? Nothing life threatening, just a little jolt to bring her back to reality.

CHEAP FUCKS AT CONDE NAST

I just received my October issue of Vanity Fair, and I have to say for a magazine that went to such great lengths to keep the cover photos (Yes Suri!) private, going so far as to post guards at the facility that prints the magazine, they certainly didn't waste any money on my issue. First of all, it was late, VERY late. The only reason I have a stupid subscription is because I get a certain sick satisfaction out of getting my issue before the rest of the sweaty masses, not 4 fucking weeks later! And the second thing was that they didn't even bother to shrink wrap it like they normally do!! So now every anthrax dusted postal worker and the slimey fucks in my building, have pawed their way through MY Suri pictures BEFORE me. Now I have to go get tested for cooties and shit because I think that girl on the 1st floor has something, I saw some prescriptions in her trash when she moved in. Fuck. Thanks for herpes, Vanity Fair.

FUCKING VEGETARIANS

You know I just don't get these vegetarians who eat food that tastes like meat. I've been noticing the ever growing trend of vegetarian and vegan food that proclaim to taste like chicken, bbq beef, hamburgers, sausage, bacon(!) and other sorts of delicious meats. Now I know that vegetarians and vegans are protesting the inhuman way animals are treated but if they're eating food that *tastes* like meat does that mean if farmers started coddling chickens and cows and pigs like pets, that they'd give up their annoying self righteous preaching to everyone and start eating meat??? I don't get it, if you're going to throw dead raccoons and road kill at people to protest their enjoyment of meat, isn't it kind of retarded for you to be eating something that claims to taste just like it?! I mean it just seems too easy for them, if you don't want to eat meat then don't - but then your only choice should be vegetables that taste like vegetables, not vegetables that taste like farm raised, corn fed perdue goodness. And while we're at it, get a fucking job, no one is going to stop eating meat because you happen to be on your soapbox - annoying people - when they're trying to get lunch.