THE OPPOSITE OF SEXY

Rachel Ray is so annoying, I hate those Dunkin Donuts commercials, who says things like "delish!" and "fantabulous!"???? No one, that's who!

TOP TEN: WOMEN SHAPED LIKE LINEBACKERS

In the continuing series of Top Tens:



Top 10 Women Shaped Like Linebackers

1. Jessica Biel - I think we all know how I feel about this one
2. Mariah Carey - 10 pounds of sausage in a 5 pound sack
3. Janet Reno - I can't tell the difference between her and when Will Ferrell plays her
4. Hillary Clinton - CANCKLES
5. Fergie - ugh she's just gross
6. Serena & Venus Williams - great tennis players but they could easily take on Tiki & Ronde Barber and win
7. Samantha Ronson - she's just fucking ugly, maybe she's not a linebacker, but she could totally be that guy that just kicks the ball for the 7th point
8. Kimora Lee Simmons - christ, you see the neck rolls on this beast?!
9. Kim Kardashian - that ass is so ridiculous, you could park a bike in it.

As always feel free to leave your nominees in the comments section.

BOOB TUBE

I turned on the tv to listen to something while I do some work and the only show that is not a reality show is some crap on the CW and when I say "crap" I mean "shit". One of the characters is played by Sharon Lawrence who was great on NYPD Blue but her character on this show is joke! She's this aging single mom with a teenage son and from the looks of it, a teenage boyfriend who is WAY too goodlooking for her, and she's a total fucking tramp! She has loud sex with him with her son in the next room, a totally ridiculous Texan accent mixed with some breathy babydoll-ness and the lines! I can't even get into them just suffice it to say I burst out laughing at several unintentionally hilarious dialogue. I can't believe shows like this get made.

SWEET FANCY MOSES

Why can't these celebrities dance? Paris and Nicki Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan, and now, Bai Ling. In my day people knew how to dance and if they didn't, they stayed against the wall or they just didn't go out. Nowadays, these girls just lick a stripper pole and imitate an epileptic seizure and they call that dancing?! THAT'S DANCING?! And correct me if I'm wrong, but these girls don't actually do much of anything right? Sure they're in a stinker of a movie every now and then, but they spend most of their time half naked and drunk at clubs laughing at everyone else, don't they? You'd think they'd pick up some rhythm just by osmosis, right? Or at the very least they'd realize that they were terrible dancers and stop assaulting our eyes with these "moves". How are their friends not laughing their asses off when they see this? How is the person holding this camera not rolling around the floor in hysterics? Elaine with the "Little Kicks" is better at dancing than these fools.

HELL'S LAME-O KITCHEN

Is it me or are the people in Hell's Kitchen even more inept than usual?? You know you are going to be on the show, start fucking preparing for it! I mean Hell's Kitchen is the same food every season, risotto, beef wellington, spaghetti. If it was me, I'd spend as much time as possible perfecting these dishes so that Chef Ramsey isn't screaming expletives in my face on a constant basis! And Aaron. I'm sorry but that goofy fat boy had no reason to be on that show, I have no idea what their screening process is, but someone had to have noticed that he's not up for the challenge, that there was no way he'd be running a kitchen by himself, in the 3 episodes that he was in, I don't think I saw him do any work, let alone lead! Whenever he got work, he would start sweating and then pass out.

What about all the wasted food?? I mean every episode they are throwing out thousands of dollars of food and most times the people on the show are even being fed! This season is the first time that the restuarant has been closed without people being fed* and it's happened TWICE. They shut down the kitchen on the first episode and the third episode people just started walking out! How can this be? Don't these people already having kitchen experience? Don't most of them run a kitchen? I'd be fucking embarrassed if I was on this show. I've worked in kitchens before, and we wouldn't even think to shut down, the worst night we had, we'd stay as late as we had to to get out every dinner. Half your kitchen didn't show up? Tough. No meat delivery? Go to the store and get it. Run out of your entire appetizer section? Make something up. We never shut down, NEVER.

I think they need to to do a better job of getting people on the show, I know there are better chefs out there, I'm sick of the stupid rivalries, I want to see some fucking cooking! I don't want to see your ass crying all day because you can't fucking assemble a caeser salad and you got yelled at. That's fucking kid shit, I want to see you butchering a cow or making cheese from scratch. I want super reality Hell's Kitchen. And for all you people saying "oh he's so meeeeeean", grow up. I once had a chef throw a butcher knife at me. Let's see Ramsey top that.

*To my knowledge, I took a very informal poll of people who watched earlier seasons and no on can remember this happening.

I LOVE A FREEBIE!

FRESHDIRECT, WHY DO YOU TEASE ME SO???

You know it seems like every time I order from FreshDirect they are out of one thing on my list. And the thing is, what they are out of isn't even that big of a deal - but once I find that I can't have it - it becomes the most urgent and important dietary requirement I can think of. Once it was Abbeye de Belloc cheese, I can get that at Stinky up the block from me! And it's CHEAPER!! Another time it was organic avocados. I was so obsessed with having those fucking avocados that I actually went out and bought avocados. What happened to them you ask? I just threw them away this weekend, 4 weeks after I bought them, so rotten that the skin was barely keeping it all together. Today they are out of the blueberry scones I ordered. I DON'T EVEN EAT SCONES!!!!! They're too dry unless you put butter on them and then it needs like a pound of butter and that's too much butter to be eating all at once and I only ordered them because a friend of mine wouldn't shut up about how amazing they were and how she had a "sleepover" with a "friend" and she popped them in the oven the next morning and they were so good and her "friend" was so complimentary of them. So basically I bought them hoping to lure a man back to my place when everyone knows I'm just going to end up throwing them out in two years. I can just see it "hey, do you like butter or jam?" "Why, you ask?" "Because I want to know how you take your scone in the morning." I'm pathetic.

BEWARE: GUARD TURTLE

This turtle is hot shit, I want to hire it as my bodyguard!

PLASTIC SURGERY NIGHTMARE

If I see one more fucking picture of Heidi Montag frolicking on the beach in a bikini, I am going to start paying a visit to all these gossip sites headquarters with my friend, Remington 12 gauge. Her, and that fug ass boyfriend and those cheap ass implants and the rest of her stupid plastic surgeries. How much self loathing does a person have to have to get a nose job, chin job, boob job (and god knows what else) in one sitting?! She might as well kill herself because she's never going to be pretty enough. Also, for someone who seems to spend days on end at the beach, how is she so pasty?? And now because I can't bring myself to post a picture of her nasty ass (which would actually negate the power of this rant) please enjoy this video of a monkey giving head. Smooches!

HA - HA

YOU'RE THE GREATEST!

You know, everyone gives Bush a hard time about the Iraq war (we won that*, right?) but let’s give credit where it’s due, he’s responsible for so much more trouble than just the war. Like for instance, apparently people think that because the village idiot can be elected to run a nation, why not them? The sky’s the limit for some of these buffoons. No janitor positions for them, no driving a cab! Just because you've heard of the Declaration of Independence, have some money and belong to a protected minority doesn’t make you presidential material (does it?). Here’s a halfhearted recap of some of the rocket scientists that want to run our country. I can’t wait to see the brain trust that comes out of this.

Hillary Clinton – wants to be the first “Menstruating American” running the White House. Who are we kidding, more like the first “Menopausal American”. Peace treaty summit talks will break down completely when Hilly gets a hot flash and starts rubbing up against Kim Yong-Il. And Bill, I love you Bill, but come on, are we really to believe that you’ll be relegated to picking out china patterns and curtain samples and setting up dinners for 200?? What a come down, I feel for you Bubba, you better start lining up some tail so you don’t feel completely emasculated when you see your wife sitting in the chair you used to occupy. I mean seriously, do they think this will work?? It’s like when the husband makes less money than the wife. You try to be big about it but fuck - that smarts! I think this is how serial killers start out.

Barack Obama – I think it’s great that he wants to be the first black president, but here’s a tip for him. Lots of votes come from Middle America - which happens to also be where lots of racists live, now I’m not sure if they’d vote for a white woman over a black man because they’re also sexist, but here’s a surefire way to say “hey, I’m a dude, just like you!”. Get photographed making sexy time with an Asian woman. If you a pick a white woman they’ll lynch you, if you pick a black woman, they’ll just confuse her with your wife. Trust me; nothing is more presidential than sleeping with cheap Asian hookers. Unless Paris Hilton is around (and then the white thing is moot), I think she could be the next Marilyn. Do you have a brother who likes to share women and a boat??

Rudy Giuliani – Um, apparently if your only political experience is being mayor and also doing things like marrying your FIRST cousin are no longer deterrents on the road to the White House! God Bless America! What makes this all the more ridiculous is that he is currently the GOP front runner! Are you fucking kidding me, what happened to good Republican morals and repression and hatred of all things 21st century? Marrying 3 times, having a wife who was married 2x, living with gay men, being pro-choice, are we sure this elephant isn’t an ass?

John McCain – Didn’t this clown die in a war? I know most of America is stupid but I really can’t see them electing a corpse to be president, senator I can see, but President HA - that’s more a premise for the next “Weekend at Bernie’s”. Oh that’s a good idea; I’m going to sell that.

Mitt Romney – Let’s give it up for Mormons! Besides the polygamy practiced in this “religion” does anyone know anything else about Mormonism? I know more about Scientology and that’s just from reading gossip, I mean for all we know they could endorse bestiality and line dancing! And just because Big Love has a few viewers it does not mean America wants you in the White House, marrying your wife’s sisters and having 50 inbred brats sacrificing chickens. Although I bet the parties would be pretty cool.

John Edwards – how much you want to bet he’s hoping his wife dies of cancer before the elections so he can count on the sympathy votes (and my marriage proposal - hubba hubba!)? Huh? How MUCH????

I know there are a lot more of these idiots, Russ Feingold (I went to kindergarten with a kid named Russ who ALWAYS yanked my hair really hard (thanks for the fucking pigtails, MOM!) and whenever I would complain to the teacher she would just say “oh he just likes you “ (yeah, enough to fucking assault me on a daily basis, bitch, I should have sued you, you dumb cow) and then one day I had had enough and I hauled back and punched him in the face as hard as I could and of course I get into trouble and my mother has to drive me down to school to see the teacher about putting me into the afternoon classes and as we are driving to the school I’m leaning against the car door and I FALL OUT and my mother KEEPS GOING until the end of the block when she realizes that the door is wide open and I’m laying on the street…) and that’s why I hate you Russ, Bill Richardson, Joe Biden, Tommy Thompson, Chris Dodd, but these guys have no chance of making it, so why even bother making fun of them? They’re like Prince Harry, sure, they COULD be King, but you’d have to smite your father and brother to get there first and I don’t think these guys have the nuts to hurt anyone, let alone kill them. Besides, Hillary is built like a brick shithouse, I’ve never seen stouter ankles on a “woman”.

Frankly, I’m going to vote for Fred Thompson, even if he ends up not being on the ballot I’m going to write his name in, I love Law & Order, he looks presidential (just look at that picture, stern yet patriotic) and he seems like a stand up guy on TV and if you can’t trust what you see on TV, THEN THE TERRORISTS WIN**. Even though we already won*.

**As I was putting the finishing touches on this post someone sent me a picture that someone they know, drew, and it had the “then the terrorists win” line which means this is now as annoying a phrase as “don’t you know you there’s a war going on?” (to which I say no, since we already won*) and I was going to take it out of my post but then I figured fuck it, he didn't invent the phrase but now its annoying me so when I use it, it will simply be to irritate myself. That’s right, irritate, like a hot rash. Or pepper in your nose. Or allergies. That's it, irritate me baby, right there, that’s the spot, ooooooohhhhh yeah, if this is wrong, I don't want to be right....

DUBYA WAS LOOTED!!

OMG, I just read that GW Bush had been pickpocketed in Albania, someone stole his watch while he was gladhanding! Why do I find this hilarious? It's up there with him choking on a pretzel and hitting his head, or falling off his bike and segway (see above).

See the link for pickpocket pictures.

WHAT HAPPENED?!

I'm flipping through the channels and since the battle I've been waging with Time Warner is still ongoing, its a grand total of 4 of them, not including several Spanish channels which I watch even though my Spanish is limited to ordering cervezas, tacos and the occasional margarita. Anyhoo, I landed on NCIS and what the hell is going on with Lauren Holly these days? She looks like a recovering cancer patient*. Her lips are so thin and her skin is so papery looking, I think its going to start tearing and that hair!! Who the hell is her hairdresser, Britney Spears?! It looks like someone hacked at it with switchblade! (btw, that picture is kind of old, the hair is much shorter now.) Wasn't she hot once??

*I'm going to feel really bad about this post if she actually is recovering from cancer, kind of like Rosie O'donell did after she ranked on Anna Nicole and then she turned up dead that day.

TOP 10: LIES

I'm starting a new series that will be published erratically, and not always consist of 10 items. The first in this series is:

Top Ten Lies

1 - What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. - um yeah, this doesn't work so well when your friends have big mouths and you have a marriage license that comes back to haunt you!
2 - I'll call you. - do we even have to list this one?
3 - It tastes like chicken! - please, if it tasted like chicken it would be called chicken. Something called "beaver ass" is NOT going to taste like chicken!
4 - Don't worry, they'll love you! - nope, they won't,what they will be doing though is judging you and talking about you behind your back.
5 - It's easy, if I can do it, anyone can! - no, its never that easy, because if we all could do it, then wouldn't we already be doing it?!
6 - Some assembly required. - yeah if "some" means 3 weeks of you frantically trying to match up that pile of sticks on the floor to the picture on the box and then crying into an empty bottle of Jack Daniels that you're useless and then putting an ad on Craiglist that says "Free Sticks, you must pick them up, look for the house with the sticks being thrown out the window."
7 - Your newborn baby is so cute! - ugh, newborns are not cute, they all look like wrinkled, red, old men, regardless of the sex. And the ones that are born with a full head of hair are even scarier!
8 - I read the Wall Street Journal every morning. - ok, even if this is not a lie, it's so douchey that you don't want to believe people you know actually say things like this.
9 - I never look at porn. - Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, you have a computer but you've never "accidentally" let your mouse click on any porn sites. I may have been born at night, but it wasn't last night!

That's all I have for now, but feel free to leave your top lies in the comments section so I can snigger over how stupid they are!

TEXT MESSAGE LUNACY (Con't from previous post)

Going through my text messages as per my earlier posting, I came across these ones. Some background: I was dating this guy for a few months and we broke up about a little over a month ago over text message (its ok to break up like this if you're an asshole like me, I looked it up).

Me on Weds: hey, what are you doing this weekend, do you want to get together?

Him on Weds: not sure, might go to LI to see the fam.

Me on Weds: ok, I’m going to make plans then, have fun!

Him on Fri: hey, did you make plans for the weekend yet?

Me on Fri: I have plans for tonight and tentative plans for tomorrow. Why. What’s up?

Him on Fri: I thought we could hang out, I’m not going to LI.

Me on Fri: Well let’s hang out tomorrow then, I’ll cancel my other plans.

Me on Sat: hey it’s so nice out, do you want to go to this Chinese festival downtown?

Him on Sat: I’m buying a treadmill.

Me on Sat: um ok, so what are we doing tonight?

Him: I think I’m just going to lay low.

(Me, totally fucking fuming because WTF is this shit?!?!?! You make me cancel plans to DO NOTHING?!?! My annoyance level is at RED.)

Me: Why don’t you lay low for good? I don’t need your passive aggressive shit.

Him: Fuck you.

(ok motherfucker, you want to play that game?! Well Fuck YOU and fuck your MOTHER too!). I didn’t text that, when people respond like that, the immaturity of it wakes me up and makes me realize that “I’m so much better than you and this is why I’m dumping you”.

So three weeks go by and I get a text from him one night:

Him: Hey kiki, what’s up? Just wanted to say hi!

Me: *delete message*

Then another 2 weeks go by (and that brings us up to this past weekend) and I get:

Him: Hey kiki, how are things?

Me: (mild annoyance now, don’t you get it, I’m ignoring you?) Hey, I’m fine.

Him: Oh good, how’s work?

Me: Look, not to be presumptuous here, but if you think we are going to be friends, I just don’t see it happening. You were extremely rude to me, last we spoke.

Him: Well you’ve said things to me that have hurt my feelings in the past and I didn’t say anything.
WTF?? Is he kidding me?! What kind of man is this? How is it I attract these momma’s boys, these losers, these men that are children still?? This is a grown fucking 40 year old man texting me about his hurt feelings from months ago!! GET OVER IT, YOU FUCKING 'MO!!!

Oh and *delete message*.

THE "L" WORD

I think I may have found someone who might be more losery than me (yay!). I was deleting text messages in my phone the other day and I came across like 50 in a row of them from my friend who is moving from CA to NY. Here’s a random sampling, you be the judge (well I’ll judge her too; being judgmental is my “thing”):

“Stupid bird won’t stop singing” – received at 5:35 AM, her time. On a SATURDAY!! Who is so alert on a Sat. morning at that time that a bird wakes them up?! And unless you need some advice on how to kick out that possible herpes infection you invited home last night, there is no reason you should be texting ME at that hour! I mean its 8:30 here; I’m still sleeping one off!

“Ugh, why is tomato on a BLT?” Um… seriously??

“What kinds of clothes do you guys wear there?” She means to the office, she has a new job in NY and she’s apparently lost her fucking mind in CA and cannot understand that people just. wear. clothes. to the office, JUST LIKE IN CALIFORNEEEEEEEE! So I respond that it’s pretty fucking hot and basically people wear anything that’s acceptable and she texts back the following:

“Like cotton pants? Can I wear those?” Are you kidding me? (You know once I asked someone if they were kidding me as a rhetorical question, mainly to underscore the idiocy of her request and not only did she respond but the response was “no, I’m not kidding”. Totally deadpan and like she was about to cry. I don’t ask that question out loud anymore, I’m afraid of getting another response.) I mean first off, WTF are ‘cotton pants'?! and secondly, how does a 34 year old woman who has always lived in urban areas and claims that Barneys is her “happy place” say the phrase “cotton pants”??? HOOOOOOOOOW, Dear God?!

GAY!!!!!!!!!

Are you kidding me?? There is actually a reality show called Pirate Master. This is the most ridiculous thing I have seen so far tonight. Why didn't I have this idea?! I'm stupid, STUPID!!

THANK YOU FOR BEING RUDE!

I was out with some friends the other night, having drinks, laughing it up, hitting on gay men, all the normal things that women do these days. I go outside for a smoke and I come back and the girlfriend of one of my friends goes rooting through my bag which I am holding on my lap (because someone is sitting on the seat next to me where I normally place my bag, selfish slag, can’t you see this bag costs more than your life and deserves to be sitting on its own seat more than you and that cheap Strawberry tube dress do!) and when I’m like “um, can I help you?”, she’s all like “oh I just want to make sure its here” and I’m like “make sure what is here?” and she pulls out $30 and says “Ernest* put money in your purse while you were away and I wanted to make sure you didn’t lose it.”

Oh so let me get this straight. Ernest is stuffing money in my purse when I am away and can’t see it but you feel it’s your job to let me know in no uncertain terms that it’s there and we should all acknowledge his generosity?? Well thank you Miss Fucking No Manners, nothing makes me more warm and fuzzy inside than knowing that you are selfish bitch who can’t even let her boyfriend do a good deed, even if its not that good of a deed considering a) I paid for almost his entire going away dinner and party because his family and friends were too cheap to pony up some dough, b) I just paid for all your food that you gluttons just ordered and that last round of drinks and I don’t even know you, and c) I’m always lending him money for cabs and shit at the end of the night when he’s done buying drinks for women who are not greedy euro-trash skanks (ie not you).

Thanks PiggyBack Money-Whore, but next time, if you’re going to draw attention to the fact that there is money in my purse either let it be your own money or let it be more than $30, seriously. My dog shits out more than that. Come ON!

*not his real name, and yes, I hate my friends enough to give them the worst names I can think of.

WAS IT BECAUSE I SHIT ON YOUR DESK??

I was out the other the night with some ex co-workers and found out that someone is throwing me a good-bye party from work! Now this is a nice gesture, I have to say, I'm really pleased, but unless I got fired and wasn't told about it, I'm not leaving my job. Oh and how is it I wasn't even invited?? It's like waking up and reading my obituary!