IT'S AN INTERVENTION, NOT A POKER GAME

Ok, this is just hilarious. Now the media (ok, just Katie Couric for now) are urging us to remember that Lindsay Lohan is an addict. An addict? Come ON! She's just a young girl with no self or parental controls and too much money. Lots of people, not just in Hollywood, were the "victims" of this. I mean look at us normal people, we went nuts, went to college, participated in wake and bakes, did coke in the bathrooms at dirty bars, drank our faces off at keg parties every night, slept with undesirable people, the list goes on and on. But I think most of us came back smarter and wiser, humbler. Lindsay needs a kick in the pants, not another stint at "rehab". Give me a break.

GEORGE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! MY GOD!

i was reading this article about ron jeremy and i realized, i had never seen a "famous" porn movie. Is this possible? When I was younger, my porn consumption came from old video's that my boyfriends at the time would have stashed in their closet or ceiling tiles and I can't recall ever seeing anything that didn't look like it was made after the 1950's and now my porn comes from the internet and you could watch for years without seeing the same movie twice, let alone stumble onto anything remotely "famous". I've never rented a porn from a video store (is that not the most disgusting things ever? Anything you touch in that place is pretty much been masturbated on, I doubt they cleaned those packages when they were brought back) and I don't shop online for video's and even at the sex stores, I don't look at the video sections, I just giggle at the greeting cards section and buy something stupid like gummi penises and pretend its for a bachelorette party. I might have seen the Hedgehog in action once, I vaguely remember a short, fat, hairy guy, doing a girl on one of those chaise lounges, outside by a pool. Anyone know if this is one of his?

I guess I could start paying for my porn, but I'm really too cheap to pay to watch other people fuck. But feel free to send me any famous porn you might have.

WON'T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR?

This morning was a bit of a doozy for me and my neighbors. It turns out that one of the brownstones on my block houses a family of criminals. I didn't realize this until today but then things started coming back to me. Like the time last summer when it was pouring rain out and there was a guy who was so drunk off his ass, yelling at someone to "STOP STARING AT ME!!". I looked but I didn't see who he was yelling at, but he kept that shit up for a good half an hour and then I thought he was maybe yelling at me! Then there were all the times I heard drunk people shouting at each other for hours on end, (seriously, hours, these people could keep up a fight). Sometimes when they fought, some feral cats would be out there fucking so the noise would get co-mingled. And then there was the time last week when the cops were out there and one woman was apparently filing some sort of complaint on her front stoop about the other woman who was standing there. The complaint kind of went like this "I DON'T TRUST HER! I DON'T TRUST HER!" and the cop basically staring off into space, wishing he was still at the bar.

Today's drama consisted of 2 ambulances, 3 cop cars, and a fire truck. I have no idea what happened but I did hear the drunk guy has been in prison for a few months now and they are very bad people.

YOU CAN GET WITH THIS OR YOU CAN GET WITH THAT

There was a debate the other day with the democrats and you know, as much as I think it's great that Barack Obama is running, or wants to run or whatever, I'm starting to get a little sick of his "well I never voted for the war" stance. I'm not on Team Hillary, but enough is enough already. I get it, you didn't vote for the war, you don't like war, you're a pussy, blah blah. But what I hear when he continually rubs that in, is "I have no other agenda for this nation". He might have more up his sleeve, I don't know, all i know is that this is what I hear when I hear him speak. Can't we just agree that the war was voted for on unclear facts, that no one really wants this, that it's been too costly, that are no WMD's, that there we can't find Osama and that we want an exit strategy before every single one of our troops is killed and that's that? I mean I think all the parties are on the same page here. Let's try to move on and fix this as best we can and lets start to focus on other things like healthcare, homeless, elderly, unemployment, gas prices, home ownership, you know, on domestic issues.

I KNOW WHO KILLED ME

Christ, I am so irritated right now, all this fucking media coverage of Lindsay Lohan's most recent arrest and here's the best part, her mother states:

"My children, my family, we are like prisoners in our own home because paparazzi [are stalking us] outside [our] home. Lindsay is in a safe place. We are waiting for the press frenzy to die down and leave her alone. And please respect our privacy."

Is she for fucking real?! Is this not the SAME person who invited cameras into her daughters last stay in rehab?? Who turns every public appearance by her kids into a gimmick to sell herself as a celebrity?? I totally agree with celebrities who have the "I'm a person, I need my personal time" but people who fucking invite media and cameras and attention and then complain about it when its not flattering to them, should get the "Swimming With Sharks" treatment (papercuts, lemon juice, salt, hot pepper sauce) with their press releases. Who does this bitch think she is? I'm not a parent and I definitely think kids need to grow up at some point, but this mother has done everything in her power to make her daughter the mess she is today, she should be in jail for neglect. How is Lindsay ever going to learn consequences when her mother condones everything thing she does? If she devoted half the time she spends on marketing herself and taking advantage of her kids, maybe they wouldn't be so fucking screwed up! Ugh, I don't even know why I care so much, this shit just drives me nuts.

SHE'S PERFECT 1O, BUT SHE WEARS A 12

Someone just told me about these flip flops that help you lose weight and it got me to thinking about these pants that I heard about that also help you lose weight. Are we so gullible that we'll believe anything these days? Here's a good way to lose weight, STOP EATING SO MUCH. Take a little bit of excercise. There is no magic potion, pill, diet plan, special clothing, etc that will help you lose weight without changing your diet and exercising more but that seems to be too much work. It's situations like this where I can understand other countries getting the idea that we're all "lazy americans". That being said, I am totally ordering these, I have no problems with being called lazy, I am lazy. And I like to eat food. And I don't like to excercise.

PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN

I wrote this Harry Potter rant last week and it got deleted by accident because my computer is a fucking asshole and I was so pissed I couldn't rewrite it then but I have calmed down now and will put it up.

I saw on the news last week that Scholastic and JK Rowling are planning on suing the NY Times and other publications and websites for printing reviews and selling copies of the last HP book before it officially goes on sale and come ON, who fucking cares?!? Rowling states that printing a review before the book comes out shows a "complete disregard of the wishes of literally millions of readers". Seriously dude? Ok, some points here, first of all, most of her readers are kids and the last time I checked, kids don't read the NY Times, hell most of my adult friends don't read the fucking NYTimes. So I doubt any kids are getting all suicidal because of it (and for those adults who read HP books, get a fucking life, this a story about wizards, the main characters are 11 fucking years old and they're smarter than you, don't you feel a little foolish reading this book?? I imagine you are fat and lonely and reside with several cats and most likely do not read the NY Times any more than the 8 year old who lives next to you and is 200 pages further into the book than you).

Secondly, why does it seem that every fucking time a new book comes out this same old shit happens?? Haven't they learned their lesson from the last 3 or 4 times this happened? The bottom line is if you are going to ship something out early but then hype up all the secrecy, people are going to fucking take advantage and start selling it and giving away plotlines. As HUMAN BEINGS we like ruining things for other people! It's our nature! I don't need a fucking degree in biology or rocket scientology to know this, all I need to know is that this whenever you try to keep something a secret, it gets out even faster than if you had published it on YouTube. Try to remember this the next time you have some shitty book launch so that the news that is broadcast all day actually consists of news and not this whiny bullshit from someone in the UK who is making millions of dollars off of Americans.

I know I had a 3rd and possibly 4th point, but I'm so irate, I have forgotten them. I'll update later if I can remember.

WE JUST CAN'T "LOVE" OUR PETS

I was reading UsWeekly on the train today and there was this lame article about Paula Abdul and her new boyfriend and there was a line in there about how her dogs have accepted him, inferring that if her dogs like him, he's a decent guy and Paula should drug and marry him ASAP (and televise it, of course). I know that I've seen this before about other people and I'd like to just clarify this way of thinking. I have a dog, so I think I am speaking from a pretty good place when I say that yes, using your dog can be a test in dating, however, it's not to see if the dog will get along with the man, it's to see how the man gets along with your dog! I don't buy into this whole "dogs are prescient" bullshit, I know tons of dogs that if a psycho came into your house and brought it a steak, it'd lick his hand and go to town on the steak. I have to yet to see a dog ignore a steak or even a squeaky toy to attack someone robbing you, let alone start barking out messages that the guy you're currently sleeping with is a "bad guy". Can we just let dogs be dogs instead of using them as another lame and pathetic dating ritual?

THERE ARE NO WINNERS, ONLY LOSERS

No winners in last weeks contest, lets see if there are any this week.

YOU HAVE DERAILED!

This post is gonna sound weird and contradictory to my post earlier about the contest I am having on this blog, but what is the deal with commentators that comment every day on every single post like its their job??? There is a certain blog that I read almost every day and I find that the same commentators over and over again, post multiple comments on every posting, every day and they have comment wars with other commentators and the thing is, the blog updates and posts like 50 times a day!!! And now today (the last straw) a commentator bids all the other commentators adieu by writing a 3 paragraph comment!! WTF?! Who cares? All day, these people are reading and commenting and fighting amongst themselves to be the most snarky and it's kind of sad and pathetic. Ironically, if this was happening here, it would actually be cool and I would reward these commentators with fabulous prizes. But it's not, so I'm bitter and angry and I hate them and they don't deserve to have all this traffic and wait... I'm not sure if I'm angry with the commentators or the blog itself now. This rant has gone nowhere.

ECTOPLASMIC RESIDUE.

I'm so annoyed right now by the press coverage of this "steam pipe bursting" activity in NYC, mainly because even though none of the "victims" has said it or even thought it at first, the media keeps bringing up "terrorism" and planting that in everyones heads. Of course we have the few people who were like "it was so surreal, it was like 9/11" but those people are idiots and the fact that they don't get hit by buses every day is a testament to the idea that God protects the simpleminded. But for the media to continue to press this issue, even to state "it is NOT an act of terrorism" is just fucking foolish. Not every fucking thing is terrorism. Not every blackout, burst pipe, car accident, drunken brawl, airplane delay is a fucking act of terrorism. Let's have some common fucking sense here people, don't be a fucking moron.

Oh and if I hear "spewing" on more time, someone at Fox5 is gonna pay. Dearly.

DID WE WIN?? NO, BUT I GOT MY APPLE TART BROUGHT OUT TO ME.

I've noticed through SiteMeter that I have like 3 readers and I'm pretty positive that all 3 of those readers are me. So in a sad, desperate, vain attempt to gain some audience on this blog, starting today, I am hosting a contest every day, YAY! Some* of you may have noticed that the titles of my blog postings (including this posting) have been lines from movies or tv shows. So going forward I am hosting a contest where if you guess the right movie, book, tv show or song on a posting you will win a fabulous** prize!!

Now the rules:

1. You must enter the name of the movie, book, tv show or song that you think the title comes from in the comments section*** in addition to your email address so I can find you to deliver said fabulous prize.

2. The first person with the correct answer will win the aforementioned fabulous prize.

3. You can enter for each posting, if there are 5 postings and you win all 5 then you get 5 FABULOUS prizes!

4. No fat chicks. Just kidding. Kind of.

So have fun, enjoy the rants and most importantly, tell your friends to read Rantasticdaily.blogspot.com every day for their chance to win a fabulous prize! Note, since I have no readers, let alone sponsors willing to send me swag, the fabulous prize will consist of a item that I manage to steal, shoplift, pickpocket, swipe****, etc. I will post the answers along with the winners names the following day and maybe a monthly Hall of Winners post or something, I'm not sure, it depends on how much work that is.

*Some, meaning just me

**fabulous prize not guaranteed to be fabulous

***yes, the comments section, comments are love

****Rantasticdaily.blogspot.com is in no way responsible for any legal ramifications stemming from the acceptance of a fabulous prize. But seriously, ,it's not like you're getting an iPhone or something, that shit I keep for myself. You'll get whatever I can I fit in my pocket.

BOOBS, FOOTBALL, DOG

Here's Tara Reid stuffing her bra. In her defense, these will look more natural than what she's currently passing off as breasts.

GIMME, GIMME, GIMME

I'm kind of annoyed because the person who has the "Rantastic.com" URL in Blogger has only blogged 5 times and not since 2002. Also they are on the first page of results when I do a search on Google or Ask.com, and my blog is like on the 3rd page of google and not even a result on Ask! I really want that url, shouldn't there be some kind of law or statute that states if you you don't use it, you lose it? I wonder if I can email that person to get them to give it up. They'll probably want some fucking money or something. Asshole.

"WE COULD LIVE OFFA THE FATTA THE LAN'"

Enjoy this recipe:

1 cup carrots, diced
1 cup celery, diced
1 cup potatoes, diced
1 small shallot, diced
2 tablespoons Mrs. Dash
3 tablespoons olive oil
1 big ass, gigantic, filthy, dirty, dead rat that you found on the street next to your office

ARE THOSE BALLS? THE LAST TIME THEY WERE BALLS.

ESQUIRE SUCKS

Unbelievable. I was trying to enter a contest on Esquire to win a trip to Vegas and as it turns out, what I was signing up for was a fucking subscription to this magazine (it was very misleading, I'm sure this is illegal)!!! When I saw the page for "Payment" I realized what was up so I exited out of it but they still got me because I just got an email confirming my subscription. Assholes. And another thing, it says that you have to wait a week to cancel to "ensure you are entered into our system" which just really means "wait a week and forget you were scammed into subscribing and by the time you get the first issue and bill, you'll realize that it's impossible to cancel ANY magazine subscription! SUCKER".

HELLS RETARDS

Ok, I caught up on the last two episodes of Hells Kitchen last night and I have to say thank god Ramsey got rid of Melissa. If I had to watch that frizzy hair and listen to that horrible, whiney, demanding, obnoxious voice of hers, I'd kill myself. Anyway, I'm pretty disappointed by this season, no one is a real star in this group, I really feel like they were going to for ratings rather than an actual hunt for an amazing chef.

I don't mean any offense but does Ramsey honestly believe that Julia is going to be running his kitchen? I think she's really great but she has absolutely no background in fine dining, all her ideas are comfort food related (fish and chips, grilled steak) and all her skills are waffle house related (cooking eggs, sauteeing scallops, doing prep work). She complains that no one wants to listen to her ideas but I'm still waiting to hear one! Actually that's not true, her idea to put steak and shrimp on the red teams' menu was a good idea, if not actually inspired. When diners are faced with a whole lot of fancy shit, sometimes they're gonna go for a steak. Not every diner is sophisticated enough to want to eat donkeys brains and pig entrails. They just want a steak. And since the other team didn't have a steak, it's sure to be a good bet.

Rock is just a lazy asshole. He acts all pissed off when other people try to take the reins, but I have yet to see HIM try to take the reins. He just gets all pissed off and then blames them for everything that goes wrong. I think he gets kicked off in the next episode, they showed him crying like a bitch saying "I let down my family". Ugh, go already.

My prediction to win is Jen. She actually has fine dining experience and she seems able to handle herself and a kitchen and she doesn't have the insecurities of a Bonnie ("are you mad at me?") and as for Josh, I don't even know why he's still there, unless it's so Ramsey has a whipping boy for a few weeks.

I know this is from last season, but I love when he tells her to get her breasts off the hot plate!

ALL TOGETHER NOW, AWWWWWW

This dog was born in Japan, with a heart shaped patch on his fur. Yeah right, this is natural. The Japanese would make a dog shaped like a hello kitty backpack (trust me, they have the technology) if they felt it was cute enough. I'm not knocking it, I'm just saying I wouldn't be surprised if you start seeing more than one of these. Anyway, its still too cute for words and on this note I will leave you.

THE ALIENS HAVE LANDED...3 MONTHS AGO

What is all this shit about the Beckhams landing in the USA over the weekend? Correct me if I'm wrong but haven't they already been living here the past few months? Has Posh Spice not already filmed a shitty reality show that shows her buying a house and talking to neighbors and sucking up to Tom and Katie, that will air TONIGHT on NBC? Don't tell me that she can manage her time that well!

NO RERUN, NO ROGER NO RENT

I'm really annoyed right now because I lost my security card that gets me into my office and they are going to charge me $10 for a new one even though I have another one that is deactived. I think they're they're trying to teach me a lesson or some shit, but it's retarded. It's not like I go around losing my card willy-nilly and make them make me new ones every week. I think I might just go on a protest and work from home until they give me a new card for free.

IS SHE A ROBOT??

Do you ever listen to Hilary Clinton's speeches? What is the deal with those? I can't describe the assault on my eardrums, it's like an old timey politician or like she's just gonna break out "NO. NEW. TAXES.". The way she enunciates each word, I guess that might be considered proper english, but when she starts getting louder when she's making a point, the rising volume, it's like she's yelling at me (or the listener) to pay attention. I don't know, I was going to post a video of her making a speech to illustrate my point, but I just can't. Maybe you can listen to one and describe it better.

HIDEY HO!

You know when you're at work and you HAVE to poop but there is someone in there and you're sitting on the bowl being polite, just waiting for them to leave and not making any noise but they know you are there and they are taking their sweet time and washing their hands and doing their makeup and looking at their ass in the mirror and shit and its like "GET THE FUCK OUT!!". What are they waiting for? I don't want to go because then you'll tell everyone you heard me (we're like 5 years old here) and what if it stinks (yes mine stinks....LIKE ROSES!). I mean they have to know that you're waiting for them to leave because its silent, but you're sitting there and maybe you cough to let them know "hey, i'm waiting to shit, can you get the fuck out?" and they still don't leave. They're torturing you. Plain and simple. I hate those people.

IF MISS NEW JERSEY DID IT....

Am I the only person that feels like Miss New Jersey was asking for it with those “stolen” pictures?? How come no one has said “hey dumb-dumb, you post pictures (or anything else) on the internet, it’s OUT THERE! Just because you set a page to private doesn’t mean people can’t see them. Um hello, the people with a password can still see them! And please, like its too hard to hack into anything these days, look at how many times people are hacking into Paris’ phone or Lindsay Lohan’s MySpace, this shit happens.

I feel like this is all a publicity attempt though, first of all, her platform is Internet Safety for kids. Now as someone who chooses this platform wouldn’t a modicum of internet savviness be a prerequisite??? Like, um, knowing that anyone can find out anything about you on the FUCKING INTERNET SO STOP MAKING IT EASIER BY POSTING STUPID NON-SEXY PICTURES???

And now she’s all embarrassed and shit and she goes on the Today Show and not surprisingly she’s kind of a moron (she is from Jersey). How does she go on TV and show a picture of her boyfriend biting her breast and her caption is “but he’s really intelligent”. WTF does that mean? I think we can rest easy that she’s not hatching a more complicated scheme to get attention. I think we’ve hit maximum brain power here.

And finally, the *ransom* demand. No one knows who is behind this which is odd because I can’t imagine a rocket scientist was behind this lame attempt at bribery (she has to give up her crown or else they go public?!) and if they do find out who did this I bet it’ll be because the person behind it was laughing their ass off in a bar and spills the beans. But seriously, something tells me this is going to be as fruitful a search as OJ’s search for Nicole and Ron’s killer.

In conclusion, just like OJ, SHE DID IT.

ps, is anyone else also bothered by how self serving her *message* has been lately? Oh poor me, don't be like me, I'm a victim. UGH, just die already.

iPHONE CRAP

Don't you want to hurt this butt pirate??

A KETCHUP POPSICLE?!

Ugh, why am I seeing things like “Paris served more time than Scooter Libby will” and “Nicole Ritchie could serve 5 days in jail, why was Paris’ sentence longer” and its like “enough already!”. Doesn’t this lazy, entitled, useless, no-selling waste of space take up enough of our thoughts and time?! Now we’re going to fucking idolize her as the Nelson Mandela of our time? Like she’s the fucking Gandhi (not fucking Gandhi, but like fucking Gandhi, oh forget it!) of our generation?! Give me a fucking break, send this bitch back to her shitty “mansion” in Hollywood and leave us alone. I can’t take her fucking busted up wonky face, or her baby doll voice or her stupid "thoughts from jail" any longer. Consider this your warning Paris, if I see you, I will get you and make you pay for being you.

UPDATE: Ok this is ridiculous, I just noticed on my Hotmail inbox, where it shows you how much space you are using it says "Supersize your Inbox - Thats Hot!". this is just too much, now companies are actually using her phrases from 3 years ago to market email inboxes?! What kind of world is this?! I'm so shooting something right now.

HOW MANY ABODIGINALS DO YOU SEE MODELING?

I was out the other night doing some light socializing (10 vodka & soda’s/1 tequila shot/2 PBR’s) and one of the people in the group I was with was this Australian guy and I gotta say, pretty disappointing. Not once did he say “g’day mate” or a "let's put another shrimp on the barbi!" (even though we baited him by talking about Aussie restaurants and eating alligator) or order a Foster’s or even show us his machete which we all know from the movies he carries in his boot! WTF? If you can’t live up to the stereotyping of your nation and culture then how am I supposed to know how to insult you correctly?! I didn’t know if I should give him shit for Tony Blair being such a pussy or ask him why his people keep raping and pillaging the Aborigines! (We settled on the Aborigines but apparently we were actually talking about the Maori’s so I still insulted someone. New Zealand maybe?) Anyway don’t expect me to learn pesky things like “facts” about your country, like most patriotic citizens; I prefer to get my knowledge from things like TV commercials and maps that double as placemats at IHOP.

America, FUCK YEAH!