I WANNA BE A HO!!

GI JOE PSA

DENIED SUCKA!!!!

THE SHAFT

Thanksgiving just passed and it highlighted probably the most consistent thing in my life and that is: getting The Shaft. Just one (more) self pitying post about how I always get screwed. Thanksgiving Shaft was the whole divvying up of leftovers. Apparently in some backwards way, I get nothing, since I am single and don't need to feed other mouths (except mine). So basically everyone (including my Mom who lives alone and claimed to be making a plate to take home but will give to my little brother who is making his own plate for him and his g/friend and because he's not quite fucking fat enough) got leftovers except me despite the fact that as a single person I should be subsisting SOLELY on people's charity leftovers, not left to starve on the street on THANKSGIVING! Below are some other ways I have gotten The Shaft.

Crappy ass public school education because my older brother got the "good" schools while we still had money to pay tuition

Always drawing the most obnoxiously large and clumsy gift/suitcase with no wheels/floral centerpiece/cut fruit arrangement despite living furthest away, being the smallest in size and having no car, than everyone else

Always having to sleep in the "cold" room at my mother's house because she "forgets you [I] am staying over and I put all the Christmas decorations in the other room". Believe it or not this excuse is the same in July, when the cold room becomes the stifling hot room and I'm sleeping in the backyard pretending I'm camping.

Always getting my Christmas presents last (or not at all in the case of 2 Christmas' ago, thanks very fucking much MOM!) because Christmas is all about the "babies" now (the babies which seem to also include my younger brother who is now 28). And my stocking is NEVER hung by the chimney with care, in fact, it's just not there at all!! Fuckers

Always getting the middle seat on airplanes when flying with my family because "you're the smallest". Never mind that I specifically noted AISLE FUCKING SEAT when purchasing my ticket.

And last but definitely NOT least: never celebrating my birthday because its 3 weeks after Christmas. If I hear one more goddamn time that that ugly cream colored ribbed turtleneck from the Gap that you seem to get me every year now, is for Christmas AND my birthday, I am going to fucking poison you, you old fucking bag, you. And please, let's stop with the fake "oh you come out here and we'll have your dinner" or "just tell us when you want to go out" because if celebrating birthdays with dinners or cake counted as years I'd still be young and not quite so bitter.

Merry fucking Christmas

I JUST NEED AN EFFING SAMMY!!!

I was at the deli the other day getting a sandwich and there was a woman there getting her months worth of groceries in the form of cold cuts. So while the line is expanding she's ordering shit like "1/3 pound of honey ham, 2/5's of turkey ham, 3/4 of a pound of low sodium swiss cheese..." WTF lady?!?!?! While we're young, ok?? I swear every time another person came in she ordered something else "2 pounds of macaroni salad, 1/2 pound of cole slaw, 2/3 of LEAN ROAST BEEF..." FUCK. All the while my dog is outside shouting obscenties and people are forming a crowd asking "is this dog abandoned??, oh the poor thing, has anyone seen its owner?" and that lady is still going on about "1/2 of roast turkey, 1/2 of smoked turkey, oh what is that? are those roasted peppers? I'll take some of those, WHAT? Oh, 1/4 of pound is good..." Jesus fucking christ. After another 10 minutes of this, I left and got chinese next door. Now they know how to move a line!

LAUNDRY WARS

I used to do my laundry Sunday mornings at 7:30 because there weren't that many people there at that hour, I mean who the fuck gets up that early on a Sunday to do fucking laundry besides the woman who works there, right? WRONG!! Now there are like 10 people in there, with their fucking blankets and kids clothes and bath mats and you literally have to fight for machines and then always like 25% of the dryers are out of order so you have stand in front of the ones that are finishing - much like you do when you're waiting for a table at a restaurant and the hostess makes the mistake of pointing which group won't get up so you can get a table and you stand there glaring at them until they get the fucking hint - and even then you have to make sure you have all your stuff (quarters, dryer sheets, the wet clothes) otherwise if you move some other asshole swoops in and when you say something, they could care less because they WON. They will have clean dry clothes before you because you blinked and missed it!! Stupid, how could you have been so stupid(!) you rage at yourself and then you start all over and hope that old lady doing her grandkids laundry gets distracted by the news on tv and you can grab her dryer (what does she have to do all day anyway, right?!)

So now I started going on Saturday mornings and it was heaven because NO ONE is in there, even the lady that works there is usually off somewhere getting breakfast and fighting with her kids, so I can watch cartoons and read magazines and not have to worry about anyone bothering me until I leave. But recently they hired this new girl and she fucking uses ALL the machines to do the laundry that people drop off, and now I find myself fighting HER!! Doesn't she get it?? Those machines at that hour are for MY USE and only when I have got all my laundry in, can she use the remaining ones. Someone needs to school her because there are no other days I can do laundry and it's pissing me off. My only consolation is that people don't last there very long, so hopefully she'll be gone soon and I won't have to deal with this every frigging week.

PS there was a man in there today that smelled of farts so bad! He stunk up the whole place and ruined the whole "fresh from the dryer" smell for me. He also had a really bad attitude and may be keeping people locked in closets while he goes out to flirt with middle aged women because at one point he yelled at the lady he was with that "I locked Stacy in the closet to come here and hang out with you!!" (WTF, doing laundry is "hanging out" now??)

EFFING COMPUTERS

Sometimes I really hate technology. You get all hooked and dependent on it, like crack, and then it's gone and you're back to using an abacus and scratching characters out with a stick in the dirt and flinging feces at your neighbors. Like tonight. I figured I would do some work from home but not bring home my laptop, I would just use my home computer. Well GREAT FUCKING IDEA!! It turns out that my home computer doesn't have all the programs that I need to use so I have to download them, but then I get error messages that say shit like "wrong path, click ok and download again" or "no resources" or "fuck you, you're screwed" and really, that's just fucking mean. So I finally get the most important one downloaded but because I can't remember my password to the one at work with all the bells and whistles, I have to download the ghetto version and I'm using it and pop ups are flying everywhere and I cannot delete pages as a range of pages, I have to delete INDIVIDUALLY!!!!!!!! There are like 9000 pages on this document! FUCK. Anyway a job that would have taken 45 minutes has now taken 2 hours and I missed dinner and Prison Break and it looked like a good one too.

SOMEONE'S GOING THROUGH THE CHANGE

I hired this contract admin for our west coast office and I totally think she's unstable. First of all, she's like 100 years old. That in and of itself is enough, old people scare me with their stories and ideas and advice that's as old and irrelevent as they are. But then she seems completely oblivious to working in any speed that isn't "low impact". When you try to rush her she's like that idiot assistant Bubble, in Ab Fab who gets all short circuited if she gets more than one thing to do at a time. And now apparently it's become normal for her to call in me slobbery tears every time she's under "stress". WTFF?!?!!?!?!?! We all have stress, we can't all get bogged down in mini meltdowns every other fucking day. Christ, I really am the only sane person left in this company.

MY BRAIN HURTS

I detest these commercials, this isn't even a real one but it's so eerily spot on that it freaks me the FUCK out. All those kids with their giant fucking heads and precocious speaking voices, UGH!!

PS don't a lot of those kids look like Damien?

IS THAT HOW THEY GET THE HOLES IN IT?!

What is American Cheese? I mean as an American, it's kind of embarrassing that our cheese is so generic that it just tastes like goo, and that it comes individually wrapped. And the white variety, that one doesn't even have a taste!! Come on, swiss cheese has those cool holes and that nutty flavor and English cheese is nasty, and French cheeses are stinky and Greek cheese (feta, it might not be just Greek but I associate it with Greece because it comes on my Greek salads) is salty and crumbly. Why is our cheese the pussy of cheeses? Is it the individual wrapping that makes it American, saying "I'm too busy to actually slice a piece of cheese, I need to have this pre-cut, pre-sized and ready to melt at the snap of a finger so I can get back to wheeling and dealing and making love to the ladies!!" Or is the blandness of the cheese itself a commentary on the boring, pre-fabricated lives we live? Can you believe I am now reduced to a rant on cheese? I should maybe not drink when I write these. Actually I think this is a fascinating topic and I would like to get a town hall or something together to discuss this very real and hard hitting topic. It's a matter of national security, only communist would not attend this. And you're not a COMMIE, ARE YOU?!?!?!!

STANDOFF SUCKS

Is Standoff the worst show on TV? Does anyone really take that guy from Office Space seriously?? I don't watch the show but I accidentally caught part of it the other night when I couldn't change the channel (the remote got kicked under the couch and I didn't have to get up at that point to get a snack so I just left it on until I needed something, I'm what is known as a multi-tasker) and I see those commercials all the time and it just sucks. I mean its not even one of those so bad it's good, guilty pleasure things. It just sucks. Please do not watch this show.

JUST SAY NO!

You know what I hate? People who are always whining things like "we have to get together, we have to hang out, I never see youuuuuuuu" EVERY fucking time you accidentally bump into them at the store or some shit. And then they never call and you never call. Haven't we as a society evolved enough to say "no. I don't like you, you don't like me, lets not pretend that we're bestest and waste both our times." I want to say that because I'm tired of caring about people's feelings. I've just had it, I'm done. I'm gonna say it the next time I randomly get an IM from that fat cow Nikki or get a drunk dial from some ex from 3 fucking years ago.

MY NEIGHBOR CAN KISS MY ASS!

My neighbor is such a pain in the ass! I usually don't see her because she travels to Africa or Jamaica or somewhere, for months at a time, teaching forms of birth control or some shit, but when she is here, she always has some lame comment like "can you take your umbrella inside, I think it's dry", or "are those your shoes outside your door" (like who elses would they fucking belong to??) or "I think your cable guy disconnected my line". I mean who gives a shit, then just call them, wtf do you want me to do? Anyway today she's like "did your friend give you my message?" ("Friend" being my dogs pet sitter that stayed here when I was away.) "No" I said. "What's the message?" She wants me to move my tv that is in the hallway off the little table because that's her sewing table. The same table that's been in the hallway for like 6 months!! And the tv is like some 13 inch thing, it barely weighs anything, she can fucking move it if she wants to sew so fucking badly. Anyway it just totally annoyed me, and then she started in about how if I didn't want the tv I should call the Salvation Army to pick it up, blah blah. I'm just gonna leave it next to her door for a few months, see how long it takes her to bitch about that.

FUCKTARDS

I'm super pissed off today and here's why. An attorney I work with is a complete nutjob and total wannabe ladder climber and everyone that works with her hates her. She's always talking over people in meetings, trying to take over the entire meeting and talking shit, and competely disregarding all common sense just to hear herself lecture everyone (who I might add have much more legal experience than she has) and everyone is just sick of her. I myself have had a couple of run-ins with her but I always called her on her shit immediately because that's just how I roll. Anyway, other people see the way I don't take her crap and they have started to push back on her as well and now they have finally started complaining to our general counsel on how she sucks but here's the rub. Instead of them saying "so and so is complete cunt" and give him examples of her ridiculous behavior, they use me! So they are always like "I stuck up for you" or "I told him about how you feel" or "I let him know that you wouldn't like her managing you" and shit like that and it's like if you have an issue with her it's your issue. My issues with her I can handle fine and have been. It's completely fucking innappropriate for you to use me without my fucking knowledge to prove your point! I don't even give a shit about this woman because she knows not to fuck with me anymore, but they keep dragging me into their stupid war and its pissing me the fuck off. Anyway there was WW3 earlier and it just set me on edge because its just not my fucking problem and I don't want to keep getting dragged into it, I could give a shit and I hate this goddamn drama every fucking day with these prima donnas. Fuck.

I GOT A BRAND NEW PAIR OF ROLLERSKATES

you love it too, don't lie!

SPECIAL OLYMPICS

I honestly believe the people I work with get stupider everyday. This guy is smarter than them, he at least got a medal and even though he appears to be not dressed I bet he could dress himself without asking me 8000 questions that are completely unrelated to getting dressed.

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS?!

Air travel with connections. I hate it. I can't fucking stand it. Last year I went to Puerto Vallarta and of course you have to connect in Mexico City. Apparently the fucking burro that you connect on only leaves once a day and we missed the connection and had to spend the night in MC, which if you've been there you know it ain't exactly Paris.

And then this trip last week, going to Freeport, you have to connect in Miami and guess what?! I missed my fucking connecting flight AGAIN!!

So that's it. No more connecting flights. If I can't get a direct flight I am not fucking going. I don't give a shit anymore, I'll stay at home and drink if that's the only destination, this'll actually give me one more reason to drink, so win-win!

I"M BACK, BAY-BEEEEEEEEEE!!

Too many ridiculous happenings this past week so I will just narrow it down to a few choice observations made by my family, the blanks can be filled in with copious amounts of drinking and alone time.

MOM
on the native bahamians - "boy they're really dark down here, do you think we're close to the equator?" and "they really are a jovial type people"

At every fucking meal "oh they have grouper here, that must be their native fish, I think I'll have the grouper, the grouper is so fresh, it must be their native dish, the grouper, grouper fucking grouper..." Also can substitute "conch" for "grouper".

Younger BROTHER
"do I look fat in this tank top?"

"the rum here tastes so much better than the rum at home." (he was drinking a jack and coke.)

Younger brother's miserable GIRLFRIEND
on having to wait 30 minutes for our entrees at a veeeery nice restaurant "lets dine and dash"

"If you want jewelry, you should follow the ladies that sell them, sometimes they drop necklaces in the sand and you get them for free!"

"Don't walk to the soda machine by yourself, you'll get raped."

"Watch out for bug bites, you'll get malaria."

"Don't get a sunburn, you'll get a fever."

Older BROTHER
"Doesn't (younger brother) look fat in that tank top?!"

"Who the fuck charged $200 at the bar to my room before I even arrived?!"

3 year old NEPHEW
"(his younger brother) did a poopie and I sniffed his butt!"

"Nana did a poopie!"

"(his younger sister) did a poopie in the bushes!" (don't worry she did it in her diaper but apparently she likes privacy for these moments and had to wander over to a shrub to push one out.)

ME
"I won $8.30 in nickels at the casino!!"

The NATIVES and everyone else
on me, the one non caucasian in the group - "Are you the nanny?" or "I saw your nanny on the beach earlier." or "That's your daughter? I thought she was their nanny!"

I can't wait for Mexico next year!!