I THINK I'LL GIVE THIS SHOW ANOTHER CHANCE

I WISH I MAY, I WISH I MIGHT

The company I work for just relocated a few months ago to an "up and coming" area, which for now means construction on every fucking block. Streets are blocked off, orange traffic cones everywhere, cement being hosed off the streets, its a fucking mess.

Anyway, for like the first month of commuting there, all these sweaty, muscular construction men are toiling away and NOT ONE CATCALL!! I mean what kinds of men are these, too busy working to shout something degrading and filthy at me?! So I was bitching about this lack of interest a few weeks ago and seriously, be careful what you wish for. Since I had my bitch-fest, I've run into the same construction worker that was part of the crew that was working on the building across the street from me and would like stalk me at like 5:30 am when I would go for my run, I've had men shout "me so horny, me love you long time" (I'm asian, so obviously that's how I would speak in moments of sexual intimacy), and I've had the runtiest guy on a crew follow me 3 blocks down 10th Ave. holding out his phone asking me to put my number in it.

This is not what I wanted. I'm going to clarify my wish now. God, are you there? It's me. I want the hot, beefy, hunky, porn star like construction workers to ogle me. Some whistling would be perfect. I don't need words, I don't need them to follow me around, I don't need a gang of men making disgusting noises and gestures. I just need one stereotypically gorgeous Stanley Kowalski-esque, dripping in sexuality, type construction worker, to whistle at me, do a double take, bang a hammer onto his thumb because he was so distracted by my beauty, you know something obvious but not lewd. Once a week is fine, I'm not one of those needy women who need constant validation that they "still got it". (Those women are LAME! hahaha) Is this too much to ask??

JUST KILL ME ALREADY!

I have this friend who is moving back to NY from the west coast and she is just so fucking negative and whiny about everything! EVERYTHING is a problem with her and her complaints range from:

"Do you think my boss will be mad at me when I give my notice?" to "my landlord is doing an open house on my apartment WHILE I AM STILL IN IT!" to "what if someone gives me a bad reference and they rescind their job offer?" to "I can't live on the Upper East Side because my sister lives there" to "Why does so and so have to talk so loudly on the phone?"

Ok, that last one annoys me too, I hate phone convo sharers, but you get the idea.

When I try to calm her down or be the voice of reason or just change the subject, she gets all huffy and shirty like "well I've done this and this and this has never happened..." and its like yeah but you did all that like 5 years ago!! THINGS FUCKING CHANGE! I've tried to be understanding and patient with her, I've tried counseling her through her issues, I've tried "putting myself in her shoes" but I just can't do it anymore. I've never met anyone with more neuroses and issues and problems and fucking useless complaints, in my life!!

She's driving me insane and at this point I don't even want to see her when she finally gets to NY because I can't take this fucking useless drama. I just have no tolerance for this shit anymore. Is it ok to say "enough is enough"? Do I just let it go? The thing is, she's got like two more months of serious complaining to do as she still hasn't packed up her shit, still hasn't moved out of her apt, still hasn't found an apt in NYC yet; let alone moved into one, still hasn't told all her friends and co-workers, still hasn't booked a ticket to NY.... I don't think I have the strength for this, I mean I have own fucking issues to deal with and this is EXHAUSTING! Am I the only person with friends like this?!?!?!

MY EYES!!!

I was getting my eyebrows done yesterday and I noticed this new ad in the salon. In case you've intentionally blinded yourself or you just can't tear your eyes away from this Fabio-esque Adonis, it says "REAL MEN WAX" and then "CAUTION: Slippery When Waxed".

Dear God.

SEINFELD MOMENT

Last night I had a friend over for dinner and he brought a bottle of sake which we never drank. I was just cleaning up the place now and realized that he TOOK THE SAKE HOME WITH HIM!! Who does that?! So he gets this great 3 course home cooked meal (it was great too, he couldn't stop talking about how great it was), drinks a bottle of my wine and a bottle of my Prosecco AND gets a footbath (he has some foot allergy, don't ask) and he can't leave the sake, even if we didn't drink it, as a thank you??? Why are people so fucking un-mannered these days? I would NEVER do that. EVER. ASSHOLE.

YES, I WANT IT BLACK!!

When ordering coffee at my local place, the woman always asks me "milk or sugar" and I always say "none" and then she ALWAYS asks "you want it black?". WTF??? If I say no to milk then I want it black, isn't that obvious?! What's with all the goddamn questions?!

AMY SKANK-HOUSE

Amy Winehouse is fucking disgusting. She looks like a homeless person with a crystal meth addiction, infested with fleas, carrier of scurvy. Looking at this photo makes me shudder. I actually downloaded her album and liked some of the songs but I immediately stopped listening to them and deleted them off my ipod when I started seeing pictures of her hanging out the with skank trifecta of Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian and that fat Osbourne chick. UGH.

READER SUBMISSIONS

A faithful reader sent me this photo today, I had to post, I'm still laughing my ass off at it!

I'M SO EASY

I find that when I hear an English accent I just believe whatever it is that is being said. It just adds a bit of gravitas to everything.

I'm not normal.

SUMMER SHARE

So this past weekend I spent my first weekend at my share house in Fire Island. Here is a breakdown of all the fucking losers sharing my weekend.

The Owner - total stoner, ex-lawyer who in lucid moments likes to grill people like they are on the stand. In not so lucid moments likes to grill corn without cleaning it (husk, grass, all of it on still on!), shop at flea markets/garage sales/dumpsters, and smoke weed. He smokes so much skunk that when I first got into the house, I actually asked him if there was a skunk under the porch!!

The Manager - a still practicing lawyer, his latest client is High Pitched Eric (or whatever) from the Howard Stern Show, whom he saved from getting evicted (for not paying his rent, what a lowlife). Brags constantly about how the b-list from the HSS are spending Memorial Day at the house. Also has VERY long fingernails which just creep me the fuck out and wears the same red sweatsuit constantly!

Toothy McToothsom - a nautical attorney who when she speaks and smiles, bares ALL her fucking teeth! TM likes to speak really sloooowly and enunciate each word and takes about 40 minutes to get a fucking sentence out and she constantly is fluffing/adjusting/flipping/touching her frizzy hair. She also packed 6 bikinis and a beach towel for a weekend in mid MAY at a house that is located on the water. Needless to say she was cold and wore the same pants every day. She is UNTOLERABLE!

Chatty Cathy - CC is a nurse who speaks in medical terms when she gets intimidated by all the lawyers and and has an endless supply of inane anecdotes and aimless pointless stories. She is also the house groupie, she's there like ALL the time and she does things like the laundry and setting up wifi and buying groceries for the guys out of her own pocket. She is semi-tolerable.

Hilary Swank as a man - HSAAM is actually tolerable. She has a good sense of humor but huge veiny thighs and an extremely manly resemblance to HS. She told us several stories of how people are mean to her (saying she looks like Steve Tyler, asking her if she runs why she's so fat). She also knows how to put a drink away, I'm sure we'll be fast friends.

Sales Guy - SG has a really annoying habit of breathing and being alive. He constantly brags about working at Maxim and how cool the parties are and pretends to be too cool for school but you can tell he's terrified of being found out to be a loser. He is the person that told me about the house, so you might say he's a friend of mine, but I can't seem to stand him when he's "showing off" to everyone else.

No Shows - there were several because the weather was supposed to be bad, so I'll have to update this when I do meet them.

Overall, there are redeeming qualities; we're right on the beach, easy access to weed, my dog can come. I guess I should have to come to some of those meet and greets beforehand. :(

GOOD TIMES

You know what's a fun game?? When you see woman strolling with her baby(ies) in a carriage (the baby should be facing out) and they are totally oblivious, chatting on the phone or with their friends or getting lattes and causing scenes at restaurants, put a look of real concern on your face and in low tones say things like "is that baby dead? It looks purple, what's wrong with it?!" and give the mother a really dirty look, stand back and then watch the panic happen. It's great. If you're afraid of death you can say "is that kid retarded??". That works too.

GERM FACTORIES

Why do people still use phone booths and water fountains? These are probably the two most disgusting germ harbors around! The CDC should shutting these things down! I know you're not supposed to, but I always see people put their mouths on the little metal piece that the water comes out of. GROSS. And phone booths, I mean homeless people live in them!! I saw a man urinating in one. How fucking desperate do you have to be to use these things? Ugh, just nasty.

CALIFORNIA DREAMING

So I was in LA last week for work and here are some random observations:

1. Rick Dees' commercials for his radio show are retarded. It's basically the camera focused on women's asses as they dance. It sounds benign but it was on during every single commercial break and it drove me insane. INSAAAAAAAAAAANE!!!!!!!!

2. Bail bondsmen advertise. On TV.

3. Most of LA isn't all pretty people. You have celebrities and the rest are all bad boob jobs and they look like they were styled by Mariah Carey. As an LA friend said "take away the earthquakes and you're in New Jersey".

4. They have a department store called Mervyns. That's the ugliest name I've ever heard for a store. It reminds me of that Seinfeld where Elaine has to go to the board meeting on the water merger for Mr. Pitt and she is disgusted to find out the water is going to be called Moland Creek.

Once again, I have been reminded about how much I love NY. BTW, I did a google image search of "bad boob jobs" and this was the first picture to come up!

I AM GOING TO BE THIS DRUNK ON SATURDAY!

Cinco de Mayo!

CELEBRITY REALITY CHECK

I just had the best idea for a reality show. It'll be called "Celebrity Reality Check" and basically what happens is that when a celebrity gets really out of control or so completely fucking annoying, they get a "reality check". Now it can happen in all different ways, for example with Britney Spears, we'll get a really intimidating woman to force her to stay in and wear clothes and work out and be a mother to her kids and put out a decent album so we can all fall in love with her again and if she doesn't conform then the woman will tie her up and lock her in a closet. Or beat her with her bare fists, whatever she deems appropriate. Or all those anorexic weirdo girls, put them all in a house and force feed them for a month and if they rebel or throw up, they get beatings (we can get a celebrity to administer these if we need the ratings). And since these "reality checks" will last a season we'll have an extra special beatdown on each episode, like during intermission. We'll get someone like Paris Hilton and just beat her to death because I think that's what America wants. I think these intermission beatdowns will be highly coveted so we'll have a raffle or eBay it, to see who gets to be the one to administer them, we can give that money to charity so we look like humanitarians. I really think I have something here. And it can go forever because we have an endless supply of douchetards and emo freaks and losers. OMG, $$KA-CHING$$

CITRUS FRUITS: THEY'RE JUST LIKE ME!!

I was peeling a tangerine today and it kind of hit me, citrus fruits are the anti-socials of fruits. They hate the rest of the fruit so much that they cordon themselves off into their own little sections. They're not like apples, those big, happy, asshole-y, self centered fruits! They're citrus fruit, dammit! Anyway it kind of struck me, that fruit can sometimes be so sick of itself that it makes it own home within a home. I'll never look at a lemon the same way again.

OH MY LORD AND FUCK!

As I was looking for a "dog sniffing a butt" picture for the last post, I came across this. I am shocked beyond words.

GROSS!!

My dog just put her nose directly in another dog's sphincter!! Disgusting! I had to swab her down when we got back home.

SOMEONE NEEDS TO GET LAID (AND ITS NOT ME!)

Last night I met up with some peeps for drinks and this guy who had recently moved to the west coast was totally bragging on his Lexus SUV (even after *someone* so nicely pointed out that that was a soccer mom's car) and he stated "driving that car gives me orgasms!". Do I even need to describe what this guy looks like, or how many dates he has NOT had in the past few months??? Why do I hang out with such losers?!