MANOREXIA

I'm trying to give this guy at work an eating disorder by constantly telling him that rats are under the vending machine or roaches were found in one of those disgusting "honey buns" that he loves to eat or asking him to check the wrappers on his snickers for mouse bit marks. It was going ok, a few weeks ago, he was hardly ever coming to the vending machines and annoying me by trying to make eye contact, but I've had to cut down on my mind fucking because I got busy with WORK, and now he's been coming back to the vending machine a lot more. He must think its safe. I'll have to get back on this once work slows down a little, I don't like to slack off on my pointless torture of weirdos of the world.

ENGAGED! (NOT ME!)

My younger brother just got engaged to his beastly girlfriend. I went home last weekend or the one before so my family could take me out to dinner for my birthday but what it really was was some kind of cheer up intervention. My mom actually told me "don't worry, it will happen for you" and also "when your time comes, the man will have to ask my older brother for my "hand" since he's the oldest male figure in the family now." Is she fucking HIGH?? First of all, what the fuck am I supposed to be worried about? And please, when it does happen, there will be no time for niceties such as asking for my hand in marriage. Those roophies wear off pretty quick, we'll have to get to vegas and get the deed done before he wakes up and realizes what is happening, no time for side trips to LI for formalities!! So this was pre-engagement talk. Now that he actually got engaged (this past weekend) I'm getting the "do you want me to bring you some wedding magazines too?". WTFUCKINGF?! They've set the date for 9/2008, I won't be able to take almost two years of this bullshit, two years of "do you want to start acquiring china for your wedding?" or "do you want to look at the destination weddings catalogue?" or "are you sure you arent getting drunk when you go out? You know men don't like drunk women." These two better elope or break up or something, if they stay on this course, my mothers focus will constantly be on the fact that I am disappointing her.

K-FED'S COMMERCIAL

Is it sick that I kind of like this commercial, rap included??

SOMEONE NEEDS THEIR GED

Apparently TMZ.com, got some IM's from Anna Nicole Smith to Larry Birkhead, and seriously, they're exactly what you'd expect IM's from Anna Nicole to be like.

Anna Nicole quit trash me at the casino

Larry not at a casino

Anna Nicole go f**k my mom to

Anna Nicole Yall are sick

Larry show up for the test with the baby\

Anna Nicole don't think so

Anna Nicole u wish

Larry everybody just want u to do right thing is all

Anna Nicole in your dreams

Isn't it about time we passed that law regarding sterilizing retards??

FUCKING FRIENDS

Ok, I'm in a really pissy mood today so pretty much anything will annoy me, SO STOP BREATHING, OK?!

I had this convo this morning with this guy that I am friends with (we went on a couple of dates and I wasn't feeling it but we're "friends" now). One of the reasons it didn't work out is because he's needy and over-excitable and just kind of annoying. Sales guys, what can you do?! Anyway for about the 4th time since I have known him, and twice within the past two weeks, he lost his cell phone and asked me for my phone number AGAIN!! So I gave it to him all 4 times, the last time being this past weekend when he emailed me for it. So he has the fucking nerve to email me AGAIN TODAY for my phone number. So I pretty much flipped out and was like "this is so rude, if you are going to lose your fucking phone every other fucking week then you best put everyone's phone numbers in some sort of rolodex because its fucking obnoxious to ask your friends every goddamn week for their phone number!! Did you lose all your business contacts? Oh you keep them in a book, BECAUSE THEY'RE IMPORTANT?! WELL DO THE FUCKING SAME FOR US, ASSHOLE" I mean COME ON! Well I didn't use quite so many caps or "fucking's" but you get the idea. Anyway he's trying to be all coy and "funny" (and when he's "funny" he's even more annoying) and inviting me to rollerskating at the Roxy but I was not to be appeased so easily. I was so fucking pissed off at this, I couldn't let it go. So then later he IM's me trying to be all nice and saying he wants to go to this restaurant I want to go to, with me, blah blah but I wasn't having it, and I told him to settle down because he was getting all over-stimulated again (he tends to send IM's like 12 in a row, without waiting for a response from you) and then he told me to SETTLE DOWN and that was fucking IT. I was like "don't talk to me for a few days, I need to be "you" free for a while" And I know that was so fucking mean, but seriously, I just can't take it anymore. How do people not know that they are being annoying? How can they believe that sending a person 7 random excited IM's throughout the day that consist of 22 different statements each, is not annoying? How can they think that asking a person for their phone number every week is not fucking annoying? How can they think that telling me to "SETTLE DOWN" is going to be received well?! UGH. I've fucking had it with people, seriously, this is the end.

I REALLY HATE THIS ONE

Kathy Griffin is one of THE most annoying people on this planet. I mean do people actually find her funny?! Her nasty pancake makeup, overprocessed hair, high pitched voice. And her comedy. Is she fucking kidding me?! All her "observations" are like 2 months old. If your comedy is going to be based "topical humor" then keep up with it! Fuck, shit changes every day. I wouldn't be surprised if she's still incorporating Screetch sex tapes and "Firecrotch" into her comedy. What a waste of oxygen and botox.

CRAIGSLIST ABUSERS

In between my hard day at work today reading Gawker and TMZ and sending out my resume, I took the time to read some of the "Best of's..." on Craigslist. Now I love CL. I'm probably one of the earliest readers/users of that site, I've been addicted to the MC's for years, so I have plenty of love for that fat fuck Craig who went and sold it and got a shitload of money for it. But I have to say, I am getting really annoyed with all these people that feel they have to write a 7000 word dissertation on their neighbors/sex life/jobs/rude people etc. Its fucking CL! You write a short two sentence appeal for NSA sex on this site. Maybe a job posting if you've already rubbed one out that day. But not this shit or I don't even know WTF this is about, or even this crap, I mean who the fuck doesn't know the difference between bed buddies and one night stands, in this day and age?! If San Franciscans spent less time convincing themselves that they moved there for the internet bubble and not the gay sex, maybe they would have caught on to these "definitions" a few years ago. Thanks Mr. Day Late and Dollar Short. Or this assclown, hey fuckface, by taking the time to write and post this UNFUNNY and completely unoriginal list of annoying people on CL YOU have turned into 'AN ANNOYING PERSON ON CL". Congrats cock. Lets bring CL back to the sex freaks and crap like this, save your shitty writing for your own blog.

BLOG ETIQUETTE

You know what I find so annoying?? When people design their blogs with a black background. Don't these people ever look at their blogs?! No matter what color font you choose for the writing, it will fucking KILL YOUR EYES!! I can't read more than 5 seconds before I start having headaches and seizures! I'm not going to call any blogs out on this by name, mainly because I don't look at them long enough to read the name of the blog, but also because I have a shitty blog that I'm sure people have issues with. So listen, if you're reading this and you have a blog with a black background, understand that aside from your (probably crappy) musings, you are physically harming people with that shit.

I'LL NEVER HAVE THIS AGAIN

Better on your leg than my nuts!

CONCLUSION TO DATING DILEMMA

Update:

We broke up. We talked and it turned out that he wanted kids and since I didn't want them he wanted to continue to look for someone to be an incubator which is fine and good. I think I'm going to take a break from dating right now though, I'm so tired of it, and I'm having some personal issues and I just can't deal with having to be nice and polite and interested in some guy that will turn out to have a roommate/live in NJ/be a momma's boy/vegetarian/criminal and/or overall douchenozzle. I think I am burned out from dating so I need to re-think my life and recharge myself. And its not like I'm gonna miss any sex, in the past 3 months, I've had it once. ONCE. With a boyfriend (he travelled a lot and we lived too far apart to make it easy for either of us to stay over). UGH. Fucking kill me now.

I WANT TO BE THIS HAMMERED TONIGHT!!

DEBBIE DOWNER

wah, waaaaah....

No wifi, I think its down for good, it's never been down this long. :( I would have been able to post some shit last night because I was going to borrow one of the many data cards my company has, but at the last minute the effeminite MIS guy reneged on the deal, telling me he couldn't give it to me because it belonged to the company, blah blah. Whatever missy. I'll show you, I'll just up my post-it and white out thievery to make up for it. Anyway, postings will be erratic until I get some internet at home, to say the least....

STARVEILLANCE

"You know what's a good diet? Gum."

WIFI PARTY IS OVER (MAYBE)

I’ve been utilizing the “free” wifi from somewhere in my building the past year or so, because, well because it was there and that shits expensive and if you aren’t smart enough to protect your connection then you deserve to get hop-ons. But last night it went down. This is bad because it potentially means 1. I have to patch things up with time warner cable 2. I have to get one of those data cards that enable you to have internet access anywhere, or 3. I have to start doing my blog entries from work. All of these have their downfall. If I patch things up with time warner then essentially they win. I have to get cable again and suck it up and get financially raped every month for crappy service and obnoxious phone support. But then I hear those data cards are costly, plus my computer at home is not all that current, I’m not sure it will even support one. And I can’t blog from work because I’ll get found out and fired and that will be the end of EVERYTHING. I’ve never been fired from a job (well except for that pennysaver route I had when I was 11 and instead of putting together new pennysavers, I just delivered the leftovers from the week before. I can’t believe so many people would have the time to call in and complain about that, it’s a fucking free service! Cocksuckers.) Anyhoo, I’ll see what its like when I get home tonight, maybe it was just a temporary thing.

DATING DILEMMA

You know I think people are on this planet for the sole reason to disappoint others. I know that sounds really cynical and I will be the first to say I have a jaded view on things, but really. Almost every time I think someone will fail me, they do. And sometimes spectacularly. But lets take for instance this most recent disappointment. I started seeing this guy a few weeks ago that I met through friends and he seemed great, in fact good enough to become my main source of dates. Nice guy, good sense of humor, good looking, smart, good job, likes dogs, seemed to like me(!). And so it goes, we go out a bunch of times and its all good. At some point we talk about match.com and he says he used to have a profile on match and blah blah, whatever and then one day he emails my profile from his and when I went to email it back, his profile was down and he told me that he doesn't use it anymore. So a few more weeks go by and today what do I see during my routine cyber-stalking of everyone I ever came into contact with in my life, but his profile. On match. Active within 24 hours. UGH. So what am I to think of all this? He starts dating me, profile down. He gets to know me, profile up. I don't see any other conclusion than the obvious. So what do I do? Obviously he's dropped a few pegs on my list, but to be quite honest, the list isn't very competitive. I'm torn between jokingly dropping the fact that I know its up, which would potentially make me sound insecure and needy (and duh, a stalker!) or not saying anything at all and pretending I don't know, and hope that he doesn't meet anyone less annoying than me. What do you think? Any other conclusions I can come to? I toyed with the idea of putting up a fake profile to see if he's really looking but it just seems like too much work for someone I just started dating 2 months ago. Did I ever mention that I am lazy? I'm lazy.

ANNOYING CO-WORKERS, PART II

I know I bitch about this all the time but really I do work with the most annoying people. Like the girl that over-enunciates every word. Or the guy that will most likely date rape you and then tell the guys about it the next day in the bathroom. Or the cow that looks like a pig and is always trying to get you in trouble behind your back. Or the guy that is bald and pale and a complete dick and is having an affair with the girl that will sleep with anyone and then thinks no one judges her for it. Or the guy that is so hyper he can't sit/stand still. Or the foreign guy who is so foreign and who's accent is so weird, that no one knows his nationality. Or the girl who wears sweater dresses. I don't know if that is weird, I just don't like sweater dresses, they're really not flattering. I don't know, I basically spend my day trying to not make eye contact with these people but it's getting harder and harder. I mean I have to be polite and professional but I really just want to tell them all to go fuck off and bore someone else to death.

ANNOYINNNNNGGGGG

The company I work for supplies us with free transitchecks which is nice since they don't do dick for us otherwise but now it seems that the subway stations no longer accept them, you have to go to some random metrocard dealer redeem them. And it turns out that the metrocard dealers are like fucking kiosks on the street and check cashing places all over the effing city!! There is not one near me at my home, so I have to go and search all over manhattan for them and then they don't give you names of places, its just addresses. Or these dealers are so shady that they don't have names, so REALLY easy to find. What a effing pain in the ass!!

PSA

Connie Chung Singing

I thought of this today.

KY JELLY

Ugh, I just saw a commericial for Valentines Day. Is there no end to these fucking holidays?? It was JUST Christmas and New Years. And how lame, it was for KY Jelly. I mean like you need a reason to buy that shit?? I can't believe they even need to advertise it. The occasion for personal lubrication can come at any time, I don't think you need a holiday to sell it. I don't know why this annoyed me so much, just the combo of being single and not needing this product coupled with the fact that I am exhausted from holidays, I guess.

BANNED WORDS FOR 2007

With the new year comes resolutions. And this year I think we should all resolve to stop using the following words:

Paris Hilton
Britney Spears
Brangelina, TomKat and any other blending of couples' names
bling-bling or the shortened "bling" - ever notice that it's always old people that use this phrase?
celeb
canoodle
allegedly
brewski
accessorize
fabulous (unless you're a queer, then it sounds funny)
douchebag - try douchetard instead
christmahanukah or any word that blends 25 holidays into one
myspace

I'm sure I can find more words that annoy me, but that's all I can think of right now

DOUCHEBAG SPOOF

If you don't know who this is spoofing, you're an idiot. And ugly too.

GAS ISSUES

People are so disgusting, really sick. Yesterday and today, two days in a row, someone farted next to me on the train and it fucking stank!! STANK!! Do people think that if you're on a train, you don't need manners? Hold that shit in, instead of stinking up a whole goddamn car.

HOLIDAYS AT HOME

So Christmas was spent at home which is always a recipe for disaster for my family. I do all the cooking and prepping and cleaning at my mothers house and she spends the entire time second guessing whatever I am doing, turning down all the burners when I'm not looking, yelling whenever the microwave/tv goes on/I smoke a cigarette/the dog jumps on the couch, making me wrap my own Christmas presents, complaining about how no one does anything for her and silently accusing me of being an alcoholic/lesbian. It's a busy season for her.

Anyway that's over and I did get a 5 pound sack of gummi bears for my troubles. Soooo, YAY.

I'M BACK BABIES!!

Sorry for the no posts in December thing, I really don't have much of an excuse other than I was taking a beating at work and too tired to even vent by the time I got home. So deal with it.