EARTHLINK INTERNET NERDS

The earthlink commercial that shows "real people" instead of a server is really retarded. Frankly I'd prefer a server to these dorks. And of course, because it's something I'm looking for on the internet, I can't find the video.

GIVE THEM THE BAMBI TREATMENT

In Page 6 today:

"DISNEY honchos still plan to turn their made-for-TV hit "High School Musical" into a real movie, but they may have to do it without the TV version's major stars, Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens. A tipster says Disney is "only offering them $1 million each. Zac and Vanessa aren't going to do it."

This is pissing me off. These two were nobodies last year and Disney swept in and made them famous with some stupid ass formulaic song and dance bullshit yet they think they can start demanding more money? These KIDS are being offered 1 million dollars each to do a stupid fucking movie that's already had a sequel to it and is aired on TV and that's not enough for them? Is everyone losing their minds??? Is 1 million dollars now nothing, has the economy tanked that bad? When does a fucking teenager get so fucking uppity from doing FUCKING DISNEY MOVIES, that they think they can start making demands like this, like they run the show, like they're Harvey fucking Weinstein?!?! Disney made them famous in one movie, they can certainly find another pair of bland wannabe Lindsay Lohan/BackStreet boy kids who would happily take their spot and be a little more fucking grateful about. If I was Disney I'd tell them to "GO FUCK YOURSELVES" and then I'd also tell Zac Efron's mom that he's gay. REALLY gay. Like HOMO GAY.

TAPPITY-TAP

Some mornings I come in and I hear my staff typing, typing, typing away and I KNOW it's not work related typing. And it really fucking irritates me.

PARIS FOR PRESIDENT

Why are people (I mean people who write TMZ and celebrity blogs and shit) acting so surprised that Paris Hilton is back to partying and not reading bibles and self help books?? Doesn't this say more about the gullability of the american public than Paris Hilton? Losers.

I CAN'T EVEN THINK OF A TITLE FOR THIS

My boss is kind of foreign (french-canadian) and she pronounces everyone's name wrong. Nadine is "NED-dean" and Corinne is "COR-inn" or "CO-reen". It's really fucking annoying because I don't think you'd pronounce these names this way if you WERE french or were speaking french.

I DON'T THINK YOU CAN RETURN AN ITEM FOR SPITE

One of my guy friends is really annoying me, I've been ignoring him for a few months because I was pissed off at him for judging me and then I randomly ran into him at an event a few weeks ago and I couldn't ignore him but now I've been blowing him off, but he's getting increasingly needy: over the weekend he sent me a text that said "wish you were here" and "missing you" and then he sent me an email this morning that was like "call me, cupcake". WTFF?! I'm not your cupcake and even if you felt it was appropriate to call me that I would have to punch you in the vagina as that is the most offensive nickname you can give a person! UGH. So I ignored it out of spite and he's been IM'ing me, but I've been ignoring those to and really, what can I do to get my point across these days?

My ex, the one where we broke up over text and then he continues to check in every few weeks is still texting and emailing me, even after I told him that us being friends "is not going to happen". And one of the emails he sent me was a reply to an email that I sent him telling him we should go our separate ways!!!!!! How much clearer can I get with these assclowns?? I have just HAD it!

GAY ROBOT

I *heart* gay robot!! xoxo

WE'RE GONNA MASH POTATO TO A JUKEBOX TUNE

I'm going to Mexico in a few weeks for vacay, which is great except it was supposed to be a family vacation but now my whole family has backed out so its just me and my mom. UGH. I'm trying to get some friends to come with me, so far I have one nutjob on the fence, its actually her wedding anniversary so she said she might have to spend time with her husband (they're estranged or whatever it's called when you don't sleep with each other anymore but you share a house and you have sex with other people. Oh, roommates, that's right.)

Anyway, I'm bracing myself for more of the antics outlined in the previous post, the only thing saving me is that she doesn't speak spanish and she doesn't understand their money, so this will work in my favor as she's less likely to be insulting if she doesn't understand "those savages" and they're not likely to understand the "loco gringa".

I could see my mother having slaves.

ITS JUST MOM AND WHORES

My mother is losing her mind, I just got back from a few days alone with her and trust me. Here are some examples:

Exhibit A - Cars

When driving her vehicle tends move at a pace either 20 mph less or more than everyone else. When other vehicles move slower or faster, mother tends to rant about "crazy drivers on the road".

Parking consists of always being in at least two spots at once, despite her recent ticket for doing so and her claim that "I didn't even buy anything at that store" which apparently did not work as a legal defense.

Changing lanes is done without signalling and at the most inappropriate times such as a double line or car coming in the other direction.

Exhibit B - Dining out

Arriving at a restaurant will loudly exclaim "see, its not empty" to whoever is directly behind her. If it is empty she will ask the waitstaff "why is it so dead here?".

When asked if she had made reservations she responds "I didn't think we'd have to make reservations here" with a laugh.

Loudly asks "is this fresh?" within earshot of at least 2 patrons and an employee of the restaurant.

Exhibit C - Miscellaneous

Repeats her stories over and over and over and as if she had never told it before. If she has a phone call she will repeat the entire call at least 3 times, regardless of whether you had been sitting there and heard the entire thing already.

Asks you at least 40x if the "corn is fresh" or "what time is it" or "what kind of wine goes with wine" or "how much fat is in it" or "what is the internet".

Lusting after men that are at least 30 years younger than her (EW). I think we have to get her medication checked.

SOOOOOOO CLOSE!

Ok, I'm pretty much turning this blog into an anti-cuteoverload, but I just can't resist animals that are doing disgusting things!

TUBBY TABBY

who's a chubby wubby kitty cat??

SUCK ON IT, CUTEOVERLOAD!

I'm feeling slightly better than yesterday, that typing is still annoying me, but I've so far refrained from setting her on fire. I found this picture of my dog last night, I figured I'd share it here since those bitches at cuteoverload won't post any of the 8000 photos I've been sending them since last year. Stuck up snobs. Like snails are cuter than this??? I don't think so!

CLACKETY CLACK

Ok, I totally realize how ridiculous this is, but I am so irritated right now (today, always) and the person who sits to the north-west of me is typing so loudly that I want to scream at her to go somewhere else.

I want to throw a fucking keyboard at her.

I want to leave and not come back.

But I also want to set her computer on fire before I leave.

THERE ARE NO WINNERS, ONLY LOSERS II

I'm suspending the contest for a little while, I'm kind of bogged down at work and I'm not able to write as much plus there were no winners so I don't think anyone will miss this. However if you do see a title that you think is from *something* feel free to leave it in the comments and I'll still send you something.

IT'S AN INTERVENTION, NOT A POKER GAME

Ok, this is just hilarious. Now the media (ok, just Katie Couric for now) are urging us to remember that Lindsay Lohan is an addict. An addict? Come ON! She's just a young girl with no self or parental controls and too much money. Lots of people, not just in Hollywood, were the "victims" of this. I mean look at us normal people, we went nuts, went to college, participated in wake and bakes, did coke in the bathrooms at dirty bars, drank our faces off at keg parties every night, slept with undesirable people, the list goes on and on. But I think most of us came back smarter and wiser, humbler. Lindsay needs a kick in the pants, not another stint at "rehab". Give me a break.

GEORGE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! MY GOD!

i was reading this article about ron jeremy and i realized, i had never seen a "famous" porn movie. Is this possible? When I was younger, my porn consumption came from old video's that my boyfriends at the time would have stashed in their closet or ceiling tiles and I can't recall ever seeing anything that didn't look like it was made after the 1950's and now my porn comes from the internet and you could watch for years without seeing the same movie twice, let alone stumble onto anything remotely "famous". I've never rented a porn from a video store (is that not the most disgusting things ever? Anything you touch in that place is pretty much been masturbated on, I doubt they cleaned those packages when they were brought back) and I don't shop online for video's and even at the sex stores, I don't look at the video sections, I just giggle at the greeting cards section and buy something stupid like gummi penises and pretend its for a bachelorette party. I might have seen the Hedgehog in action once, I vaguely remember a short, fat, hairy guy, doing a girl on one of those chaise lounges, outside by a pool. Anyone know if this is one of his?

I guess I could start paying for my porn, but I'm really too cheap to pay to watch other people fuck. But feel free to send me any famous porn you might have.

WON'T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR?

This morning was a bit of a doozy for me and my neighbors. It turns out that one of the brownstones on my block houses a family of criminals. I didn't realize this until today but then things started coming back to me. Like the time last summer when it was pouring rain out and there was a guy who was so drunk off his ass, yelling at someone to "STOP STARING AT ME!!". I looked but I didn't see who he was yelling at, but he kept that shit up for a good half an hour and then I thought he was maybe yelling at me! Then there were all the times I heard drunk people shouting at each other for hours on end, (seriously, hours, these people could keep up a fight). Sometimes when they fought, some feral cats would be out there fucking so the noise would get co-mingled. And then there was the time last week when the cops were out there and one woman was apparently filing some sort of complaint on her front stoop about the other woman who was standing there. The complaint kind of went like this "I DON'T TRUST HER! I DON'T TRUST HER!" and the cop basically staring off into space, wishing he was still at the bar.

Today's drama consisted of 2 ambulances, 3 cop cars, and a fire truck. I have no idea what happened but I did hear the drunk guy has been in prison for a few months now and they are very bad people.

YOU CAN GET WITH THIS OR YOU CAN GET WITH THAT

There was a debate the other day with the democrats and you know, as much as I think it's great that Barack Obama is running, or wants to run or whatever, I'm starting to get a little sick of his "well I never voted for the war" stance. I'm not on Team Hillary, but enough is enough already. I get it, you didn't vote for the war, you don't like war, you're a pussy, blah blah. But what I hear when he continually rubs that in, is "I have no other agenda for this nation". He might have more up his sleeve, I don't know, all i know is that this is what I hear when I hear him speak. Can't we just agree that the war was voted for on unclear facts, that no one really wants this, that it's been too costly, that are no WMD's, that there we can't find Osama and that we want an exit strategy before every single one of our troops is killed and that's that? I mean I think all the parties are on the same page here. Let's try to move on and fix this as best we can and lets start to focus on other things like healthcare, homeless, elderly, unemployment, gas prices, home ownership, you know, on domestic issues.

I KNOW WHO KILLED ME

Christ, I am so irritated right now, all this fucking media coverage of Lindsay Lohan's most recent arrest and here's the best part, her mother states:

"My children, my family, we are like prisoners in our own home because paparazzi [are stalking us] outside [our] home. Lindsay is in a safe place. We are waiting for the press frenzy to die down and leave her alone. And please respect our privacy."

Is she for fucking real?! Is this not the SAME person who invited cameras into her daughters last stay in rehab?? Who turns every public appearance by her kids into a gimmick to sell herself as a celebrity?? I totally agree with celebrities who have the "I'm a person, I need my personal time" but people who fucking invite media and cameras and attention and then complain about it when its not flattering to them, should get the "Swimming With Sharks" treatment (papercuts, lemon juice, salt, hot pepper sauce) with their press releases. Who does this bitch think she is? I'm not a parent and I definitely think kids need to grow up at some point, but this mother has done everything in her power to make her daughter the mess she is today, she should be in jail for neglect. How is Lindsay ever going to learn consequences when her mother condones everything thing she does? If she devoted half the time she spends on marketing herself and taking advantage of her kids, maybe they wouldn't be so fucking screwed up! Ugh, I don't even know why I care so much, this shit just drives me nuts.

SHE'S PERFECT 1O, BUT SHE WEARS A 12

Someone just told me about these flip flops that help you lose weight and it got me to thinking about these pants that I heard about that also help you lose weight. Are we so gullible that we'll believe anything these days? Here's a good way to lose weight, STOP EATING SO MUCH. Take a little bit of excercise. There is no magic potion, pill, diet plan, special clothing, etc that will help you lose weight without changing your diet and exercising more but that seems to be too much work. It's situations like this where I can understand other countries getting the idea that we're all "lazy americans". That being said, I am totally ordering these, I have no problems with being called lazy, I am lazy. And I like to eat food. And I don't like to excercise.