DEEP THOUGHTS

Do you ever get so angry when reading an article/book/poster that you get all agitated but you continue to read it just so you can knowledgeably rant about it later? I do.

YOU ARE NOT "SPECIAL"

I really hate when people use the word “special” to describe things that we all know are mundane, general and overwhelmingly boring. Like “nails on a blackboard” hate. For instance when people say “our relationship is special” or “my children are special” and then last night on some lenscrafters or pearlvision commercial “these are special glasses”. What’s this crap now?! Has the whole world gone fucking gay?

I went to dictionary.com to find some synonyms for “special” because I thought maybe the meaning changed since the last time I read the dictionary, but no; see as follows: singular. Special, particular, specific refer to something pointed out for attention and consideration. Special means given unusual treatment because of being uncommon: a special sense of a word. Particular implies something selected from the others of its kind and set off from them for attention: a particular variety of orchid. Specific implies plain and unambiguous indication of a particular instance, example, etc.: a specific instance of cowardice.

I can’t see how people can continue to use the word “special” in the way they are using it now, knowing what we now know! No wonder our kids are so stupid, we can’t even use the English language properly. In order to bring some linguistic pride to our country, I suggest we punch every person who uses this word in the wrong context, in their lady-bits. You know they have them.

SEXIST DRYCLEANER

So I’ve been noticing that the drycleaner charges me twice the price to do my ladies cotton button down shirts than they do for male cotton button down shirts. Um, WTF?! So every time I need to pick up my clothes I get into an “argument” with the lady (I’m civil but seething, but with the language barrier I don’t think she gets it) and I’m just really-really annoyed now. I mean what is the difference? She says because it’s harder to do a female’s button down but I don’t see how. The only thing I can see is that because they are smaller they have to get a different thing to press them but then what do they do with midget shirts? Does she charge a diminutive man double the price to do half the shirt?? NOOOOOO! So why the fuck do I get charged double?? This is so annoying me now, because it just seems sexist. My latest attempt to get around this has been to say that they are men’s shirts but she’s not buying it, they just change the price when I come to pick them up. FUCK.

I'M OVER THESE PEEPS

What is with everyone these days? Why is everyone a complete pussy?! I am so sick and tired of everyone bitching and moaning and crying about things they can’t control. I just want to shake these people. This all started last week when a friend of mine started bitching about the office hours that her doctor keeps, apparently this doctor keeps 9-5 hours and this displeases her. According to her “doctors are in the service profession and they should keep hours that are convenient for all patients”. Is she kidding me?! Doctors are doctors, they don’t give a shit about you, if you’re sick you’ll find the time to go to them, they know that, we know that, that’s the agreement. Doctors don’t HAVE to keep later hours just because some people might find that convenient, that’s why you shop around and find one who does. Otherwise you are at their mercy of whomever you pick. And not for nothing, but its not like this was even her GP, it was some doctor that lasered a sun spot off her foot!! Give me a fucking break.

Then the whole Jet Blue thing. All these whiney asswipes crying about having to be snowed in and then JB issues a “Passengers Bill of Rights” to appease these people and they put a full page ad in the papers basically groveling at all these people’s feet. Remember when corporations said “fuck you, we’re big and rich and you can kiss my 24 karat gold plated ass!”?!?! Now they pander to these babies because they are so afraid of pissing some candy ass with a blog, off. Hey whiners, its fucking weather, planes get grounded, you get delayed, it totally sucks but it’s an act of God. AN ACT OF GOD. No one can control it. So stop bitching and think about what you can do to make it easier. I’m tired of your sob stories.

Then Jeffrey Chodorow, a restaurateur in NYC, most famous for opening that crappy Rocco DiSpirito restaurant that was on TV, spent $80k on a full page ad in the NYTimes to cry about a bad review he got from their food critic! Eighty fucking thousand dollars!! Are you shitting me?! This pompous, over-indulged, megalomaniacal douchewad spent that much money on the same publication that skewered (and they weren’t the only ones, in fact they weren’t the only ones that WEEK to do so) and he thinks that’s being mature?? Just because you spend a lot of money to open another over-blown, over-hyped, over-priced restaurant DOES NOT mean that you deserve anything more than being able to keep that place open. This is NYC, hundreds of restaurants a year open and 90% (that number is probably not still accurate but its close!) of them close within ONE year here. The fact that you can con moronic wannabe d-list celebrities and their accompanying star fuckers and fat gossip bloggers into spending $150 for a fucking piece of meat should be reward enough. Remember when money was everything? Not anymore, now everyone needs praise and rewards and 4 fucking stars. Grow up Chodorow. Take the money and run. Fuck critics. Everyone in NY is a critic, that what makes us NY’er’s. We’re not going to get suckered into liking shit just because you tell us, we’re gonna tell you its shit and we’re gonna LAUGH AT YOU. This is not done to be mean, it’s done to toughen you up. If you don’t like it, move to Kansas. In fact, do that anyway.

And all these Park Slope parents who think they have every right to infiltrate your favorite restaurants at 8pm on a Saturday night with strollers and diaper bags and crying brats, who freak out if anyone dares get offended by watching them breastfeeding an infant (who if they are being breastfed should be in fucking bed already) at the table, or if the 3 star French restaurant they are at can’t serve their spawn mac & cheese and chicken nuggets and get all huffy when there is no microwave in the kitchen for you to mix some foul paste that is all organic and gluten free and will basically turn your child gay. Give me break already, move to LI; get a babysitter if you want to go out and feel like you’re still young and hip, but you have no right to ruin mine and everyone else’s meal just because we don’t feel like countering your breeding skills. Being able to get impregnated does not give you license to take over the fucking world! When I was growing up kids never went out to restaurants and they were seen and not heard the rest of the time!

I do agree that media (and therefore the public, me, you, US!) feed this cranky beast. I can’t watch the news for news anymore because I end up getting the newscasters opinion and the channel/station/corporation slant that they want to give the story and its exhausting to have to pick through that and get the news itself. And the news now isn’t even news, its tabloid reporting on celebrities that makes me sick. I don’t need to see Britney’s breakdown or know the contents of Anna Nicole’s fridge in the Bahamas. This isn’t news, yet this and other similar “stories” are on every channel, every day, every night and its enough already, I mean isn’t there a war going on somewhere? Did I hear something about starving children in Africa? And then in order to keep some semblance of reality and gravitas, news channels report on people’s complaints (Help Me Howard on ABC, Shame on You on Fox, etc), or they talk to the man on the street, or they report on local “news” stories (woman with fat cat, kid that count backwards, you know what I’m talking about). This kind of “reality” reporting coupled with the incredible amount of reality television on the air these days makes EVERYONE think they should be famous, everyone thinks its their RIGHT to be recognized and catered to, and elevated to “better than you” status and they don’t even have to have to have talent or even DO anything! It’s just ridik now. It wasn’t too long ago where you got recognition from working hard, being responsible, dealing with your problems quietly and with a minimum of fuss. You grew up and became an adult and took care of yourself and your family. You busted your ass, you made and saved money and then you retired and then you could enjoy life. And that was that. So no, I’m sorry but you don’t “deserve a break today”. You don’t get to have it “your way”. You don’t get an “easy button”. You have to earn these things. We as a society have to go back to basics and that means starting with the kids and parenting and learning the value of hard work and the satisfaction of doing a job well and not needing to have an audience every time you give a homeless guy money or forget to wear underwear. I’m tired of people complaining about how hard life is - that’s life, and it IS fucking hard, deal with it.

So to wrap up this super lengthy, soapboxy, rant here my words of wisdom: pets die, service is shitty, not everyone loves your kid, boyfriends and girlfriends cheat, there will be traffic, people will lie to you, you will not get recognition for every good deed. Let it go or go fuck yourself but please stop crying about it.

24 Hour Pizza Delivery

JET BLUE BLUES

The latest from Jet Blue is that about a quarter of their flights today were still cancelled due to the fallout from the storm last week. Apparently they aren’t bouncing back very quickly, which seems odd, it’s not like they are some dinky one plane operation. A part of me is definitely enjoying the schadenfreude, all you ever hear is “Jet Blue is so great, with their TV’s, and satellite radio…”. Blah blah, fuck you asswipe. But now all these people are crying on TV about how they have a cat at home and they hope it’s not dead, and they’ll never fly JB again. I mean give me a break. Yeah it fucking sucks that you’re stranded, trust me, I know, I’ve been stranded at airports overnight, I’ve been stuck in 3rd world countries (if you count Mexico City), I’ve been delayed 10 hours, I’ve sat on tarmacs for hours on end, I know it sucks. And I know JB fucked up at certain times, that seems obvious. But would you rather they threw you on a plane that’s still frozen and shot you into the air not sure if everything is working or would you rather they waited a day or two and got you on something that you know is safe to travel in? Come on, what’s the big deal, they don’t tell you this on TV because then you might not sympathize with these babies, but they give you free hotels, food, travel vouchers etc. They’re not making you stay in the airport, people stay there of their own volition! You can easily get a confirmed flight in a day or two and then leave the airport and go enjoy the city! Then when you finally get home you have this story to tell to EVERYONE thus securing the sympathy of all your friends and family AND you get out of work and responsibilities!! It’s a win-win!

PS, did you hear the CEO of JB? He’s “humiliated and embarrassed…” that the flights are not fully operational. A little dramatic???

WHERE THE PARTY AT?!

Is it me or are people less social these days? No one has parties anymore, no one goes out in groups, and everything has to be coordinated like a rocket launch. I know there are plenty of times when I don’t want to deal with drama and just want to get a beer, but seriously, where is everyone these days? This weekend, I’m calling all my friends, no one around, everyone doing their own little thing. This is a 3 day weekend, everyone should be drunk off their asses, why are they all doing nothing?? Are we really that old? Did we forget to how to have fun? Are we too old to have fun? WTF?? I’m now relegated to civilized outings, such as having brunch or meeting for a drink before dinner. I want to party my ass off! I want to get drunk and kiss strange boys and eat breakfast at 4 am at the greasy diner! Come on, who’s with me?!?!

GET READY FOR SOME CRAPPY PRESENTS

I was IM’ing a friend of mine the other day and she told me about this friend of hers who was getting married and who had set up a website for it (totally cheesy site, complete with Hawaiian music and cornball action shots of them “in love”) and on this site they listed their registries. All kind of normal things but then she starts complaining about what is on the lists and how she doesn’t like anything and she’s gonna just buy them something off the list. This bothered me to no extent because it’s not about what YOU like, it’s what THEY want. People put these registries together to avoid idiots like her buying them 4 fucking toasters. They’re not supposed to be suggested gifts. I would be really pissed if people, especially my peers, just went and got something else that I didn’t want because they don’t like the list!! I can understand old people doing it, they don’t know how to use the internet or have access to stores other than Odd Lots and 99 cent ones, so they can’t be expected to do the right thing. But my friends?! Because they don’t like my list?? How effing selfish is that?? Anyway I told her that I didn’t agree with her and we got into this “heated discussion” with me being totally annoyed at her attitude about it and her being irritated that I don’t agree with her.

Jack Cafferty is AMAZING!