WARNING, WATCHING THIS WILL MAKE YOU LOSE 40 IQ POINTS

WTF?? First of all, The Tinz looks like a cheap Vegas call girl in this shoot, what's with all the eyeshadow? And can socialites try to not be so fucking vapid?? And secondly, who the fuck was that interviewer?? Her slow way of speaking, the way she stared into the camera and did that pause right before she would turn away, it's like she just got out of interviewers school.

THIS WOULD SO BE ME!!

Call this number: 415.856.5286

AMERICAN IDOL AS TOLD BY SNL

COMMENTS TO THE COMMENTS: RESTAURANTS

Today I was reading some of the comments section on citysearch, looking for a restaurant for Dine In Brooklyn week and this one restaurant had so many user generated reviews that were so ridik, that I decided to do a new segment called "Comments to the Comments". Aside from the numerous spelling and grammatical errors, here are a few that I had to highlite. In order to preserve some dignity to the original commentors(ers?) I didn't put their screennames on here, even though they had no compunction to keep it secret themselves. Anyhoo, enjoy the rage.

"Nestled away on trendy Smith Street in Brooklyn, NY, [this restaurant] stands out with the wonderful aromas of fresh sauces and the sounds of very satisfied locals. Conveniently located between the Bergan Street & Carroll Street on the F/G Line [this restaurant] offers a cozy and relaxing atmosphere complete with a out door garden sheltered from the horns and sirens. Whether you roll up on a Harley or a Schwinn take a load off and warm up your taste buds to a glass of Sangria and a plate of Bruschetta."

Hey listen here faggola, its a comments section, not open mic night for wannabe writers. You're better off doing this shit on craigslist, no one gives a shit on restaurant reviews!

"Interesting menu; excellent preparation served in a cozy familial atmosphere; genuinely attentive, personable ITALIAN staff. Second time we travel from South Jersey to experience a taste of Itay. Well worth the trip!!!!!!! We'll be back!"

Are you fucking kidding me bitch?? We don't need your kind in BK, stay stinking up Jersey. Also could you be more racist, "ITALIAN staff". You dumb cunt, keep your bigoted comments to yourself.

"There are many italian places in this area. But, the PIZZA is superb here. The wait staff, all authentic italian, is wonderful and helpful with questions you may have. The best part is definately the pizza that the old italian man is working on in the back. Worth a try!"

Now it's Italians AND old men!? What's next, the jews?? Fucking bigot.

"The food was amazing. I reccomend the Pacherri w/ shredded beef and the seafood soup. The staff was very friendly, which you don't encounter often...Really the most satisfying meal I've had in NYC and I've lived here for almost 2 years."

Really?? Almost 2 WHOLE years?! My god, you must be a fucking expert then! I wish I could I follow you around in all the comments sections just to see what you, Mr. I Know What's Good Because I've Lived in NY ALMOST TWO WHOLE FUCKING YEARS, thinks about everything!!

AIDSWALK

Why should I care about the AIDSWalk? The money that is raised goes to the GMHC, which only benefits the tri-state area. Am I wrong in thinking if that if you live in the tri-state area and are still getting AIDS, then it's your fucking problem?? I mean in this day and age, if you're still having unprotected sex and shooting up with dirty needles, it's your problem that you are literally too stupid to live. Why should I reward your idiocy with financial donations when there are people in Africa who are dying of AIDS but have had no education/condoms/health benefits etc, to know better?? I'd rather give money to a person who got it from having sex with a monkey out in deepest Africa, than a crackhead out in Jersey. Also, are people in Africa actually having sex with monkeys? Did that ever get proven/unproven?? Anyway this whole rant came from friends of mine who are doing the AIDSWalk and are literally strong-arming me to donate with emails that start off with "Don't you care about AIDS?". And the answer is "NO". Stop annoying me.

IT'S CALLED "MAPQUEST" DUMMIES

Have you noticed that people are increasingly lazy?? For instance, what is so hard about reading an email and clicking on a link that will tell you where everyone is meeting and then it will even *magically* provide an address and directions and/or even a map?! Why do you have to call me 10 minutes before we're supposed to meet and say "where is this place again?"?! I mean do you think I have special powers that allow me and only me access to destination locations?? Am I the only person on the planet that knows about Hopstop.com?? And then when I say "its in the email" they say "oh I can't find it" or "I think I deleted it". SO?! Why is that my fucking problem?! From now on, if you can't click on a goddamn link, then you're SOL. I'm not fucking telling you anymore.

Also, stop being late. It's fucking rude to never be on time, there is a reason why things start a certain time, for instance, reservations.

And stop asking me for the link to this blog. If you like it so much, bookmark it, assface. You know who you are.

HOODIA SCHMOODIA

I was in the drugstore the other day (do they still call them drugstores?) and I noticed an entire section dedicated to appetite suppressants and the like. I can't tell the difference! There's Zantrex, Trim Spa, NV, Relacore, Green Tea, millions of them! Which is the one that will kill you? Can you use it for a little while to dump weight and stop before it kills you? Why is green tea an appetite suppresant? I've been drinking green tea for years and it's never suppressed my appetite! And how hilarious is that Relacore commercial? The one with the belly fat. It's so gross!

WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO?!

OMG

OVERTURNED TRACTOR TRAILERS

What is with these overturned tractor trailers that are always fucking up traffic in the mornings? How do they tip over? I always imagine them as all top heavy like Anna Nicole and getting tipsy and falling over. How do they get them back up? How come it takes HOURS to do that? I don’t even drive and this annoys me.

BOTH SEXES SUCK

Why is it that men feel like they have a monopoly on relationship issues? Why is it an acceptable excuse for men to say “I have a commitment problem” like it’s a get out of jail free card? Women don’t have fucking issues?! New flash: women are just as fucked up as men when it comes to relationships.

MISTER BIG HOT PASTRAMI

The Subway commercial featuring the new Big Hot Pastrami Hero™ is so annoying. First of all, it’s on every channel like 50 fucking times a night. And the people in it, could they be more lame?? “I like mine with extra cheeeeeeese!”. Good for you Timmy, see your mom was right, functionally retarded people are good for something! Too bad it’s shilling for a sandwich shop. Hey it could be worse; you could still be getting raped by your uncle! And could it be more phallic and sexual?? It’s a fucking sandwich, but it’s called the “BIG, HOT, PASTRAMI HERO” (or maybe it’s “sandwich”). Either way, a bunch of construction men, fondling a foot long sandwich filled with meat, bragging about how “14 feet below he’s called Mr. Big, Hot Pastrami” is kind of disgusting and totally makes me hate Subway for making an innocent sandwich sleazy.

And look at that picture. After all that bragging, it's so small. Typical.

IT MAKES THE WORLD GO 'ROUND

Do you ever look at people and know, just KNOW, that they live a generic existence? Like they get their haircuts at SuperCuts, homemade mani’s and pedi’s, Kmart/Sears wardrobe, all-you-can-eat buffets for “special” occasions. They watch the UPN and talk about the plotlines to Wicked Wicked Games, they’ve never heard of Showtime or any TV shows on the pay channels, they have a dial up internet connection; their cell phones are like 5 years old.

I was on the train the other day and I saw a group of people like this (read: Midwesterners) and I just felt pity for them. But then I realized that they were happy and shit. So I started thinking, maybe money DOESN’T buy happiness??? But then I woke up. The bottom line is that if you have no money, what can you do? You can’t go out and that means the chances of you meeting a potential mate go waaaaaaaaay down. And not just a mate, but no friends either! You think anyone wants to be friends with a person who can never go out! You can’t eat out, you can’t travel, you can’t have kids (one man’s poison, right?!), you can’t go to concerts or museums or galleries. All the things that people profess to make them happy! What’s left that’s free? Watching a sunset? Walking around the city? Finding a nice subway grate to sleep on?!

I am aware that there is a difference between being rich and being middle class and being poor, and we can adjust our lifestyles to each level, however you need SOME money to survive and maintain dignity. To all you warm and fuzzy, “life is wonderful”, feel/do-gooders: NOTHING IS FREE. There is always a price. And frankly I’m prepared to pay it. I’m impatient, so I like knowing that if I pay a little more, I’ll get it faster. I don’t like to drink Coors lite, I like something that’s been fermented from a grape, comes from France and preferably with bubbles. I like knowing that I make enough money that I can go to Vegas for the weekend or treat myself to a fancy dinner. Granted I don’t do this all the time but I can do it sometimes and it’s because I have MONEY that I am given the freedom to do this. And isn’t freedom, happiness??

I was telling a friend of mine the story about the people on the train and she called me “cruel” but I prefer “elitist”.

p.s. before you go getting your panties in a bunch, understand that I make my OWN money, I don't live off a man, my parent's, a trust fund or anything else. So fuck you, if you don't like this.

FUCK

I just lost an entire post. I'm so fucking pissed now. I can't even be bothered to recreate it. It'll become one of my "lost postings" like the honeymooners episodes that always seem to surface at Christmastime.

I SMELL SEX AND CANDY

This is the most ridiculous list you will read all day!

WHOA!!!!!!!!

I AM NOW LESS TALENTED THAN A CAT

Who am I kidding, I was never AS talented as a cat.

BREATHTAKING IGNORANCE

Why are ignorant people allowed to interact with people? Is it just to illustrate how smart I am?? If that's the case, ok, but I'm secure enough to not need the constant validation. Take this example: the other day I was talking to someone about food allergies (I am allergic to raw shellfish) and he was like "but you eat shrimp cocktail." I was like "yeah, aaaaaand??". He's like "well that's raw". I was like "are you FUCKING retarded?! Shrimp cocktail is cooked and chilled, you can't tell the difference?". Anyway, I don't know why I let shit like this get to me, it's just always the small things that drive me fucking batshit crazy.